i hung out with morgan and her entorage for part of the day. they watched the second half of 'two towers' again and then lots of extras. it was sort of nuts-driving. so i rotated sitting in here downloading pixies covers and music videos, watching tv and eating cheez-its, and taking a shower or hanging out in my room. it was kind of bleggity. i talked to brock on the phone for a little, and then laylee. they came over and didn't even notice my teeth ahahaah. but after katherine asked, they kept making me smile and it was silly and laylee touched them all night. anyway we went to see "the station agent" which was pretty good. for the umpteenth time, i love movies with brock. he played with my hand a lot tonight. le sigh.
sallis left me a message on my phone. he is already in jackson, but we don't leave until the morning. i'll try to call him at some point tomorrow, and maybe we can go see a movie together like mom suggested. that would be so nice. and hysterical. hahahaa jackson with sallis how great. okay. so we went back to my house, and laylee called kevin to come get her. we hung out for a little bit in my room before they escaped. then brock was here until about 10:30. he made fun/admired the way i write "st" as one letter. i'd raved about the placebo video to him on the phone, and i showed it to him. near the very end he goes "so where's the lead singer?" meaning he had just watched the whole video and not found brian molko in the LEAST bit interesting. i felt really silly. oh well.

listening to: tuscadero - just my size

my phone works again, for the many fans who have been unable to reach me for the past few days.
brock and laylee are coming over soon, and we're going to see a movie, i believe. it will be nice. morgan is about to go to rehearsal for "red pain(t)" and my teeth feel funny. i hope i have enough money to get into the movie. aha. pixies covers slay me. help help help, laylee.

well, laylee, i knew it would happen. as soon as i burned a cd of pixies covers, after over a year of searching for as many as i possibly could, a whole new slew comes in. today alone i have gotten 8 new ones, and so far they are all good. this is insane. laylee. dear god. i'll never be able to decide. please come help me.
holy jesus one of them is a cover of "where is my mind?" done in GERMAN with tambourine, harmonica, and moaning. god i'm in heaven. and in heaven, everything is fine. you've got your good thing and i've got mine.

listening to: jonus - i've been tired (pixies cover)

how is that i never realized how undeniably HOT brian molko from placebo is? i just watched the video for "pure morning" and jesus christ. not only is he beautiful, it's a really cool video for a good song. i hadn't seen a picture of him for a long time, so when he was first on the screen i couldn't tell if it was really him or some woman. but fuck. FUCK. have i ever mentioned how hot androgyny is?
if you can't download the video, there's a whole mess of stills here. seriously guys. do yourselves a favor. fuck.

i reorganized my cds, and now they fit in ONLY FOUR CASES!!!!!!! have i mentioned that i hate today?

i hate tonight. after i posted last, i gave up on anything and went back to my room to take a dark nap and listen to sad sad jeff buckley. i didn't sleep for long, because there were suddenly the huge noises of three 13/14-year-olds invading the kitchen. even with the music, the pillow over my head, and being rooms and rooms away, i felt like they were right next to me. at one point morgan stormed in, turned on the light, and harassed me with questions. i can't remember what she first came in to tell me, but she kept asking what was wrong and i would say nothing, go away over and over. she wouldn't stop asking or bumbling around on me and i think she felt under my eye to see if i was crying. i wasn't, of course. i was just really unhappy and wanting to sleep. i hate that i can't even be alone in my house. i really want to get out of here, even if i am alone but i can't think of anywhere to go. i really wish i wasn't here.

listening to: "the two towers" and commentaries from the peanut gallery

i just pulled a total Last Year. i had another orthodontist appointment after school, so again i couldn't go with brock and alice and whoever after school. i got back at like 3, and called brock's cell right away. he didn't pick up there or at home. so i tried calling again a minute ago. he said they are at huey's. by then i didn't really know why i called. yes, i wanted to hang out. no, i didn't want to ASK them to come get me, especially if they didn't want me there enough to offer to pick me up. no, i didn't make it apparent that i wish i was there. no, i didn't say i'd try to get a ride once mom gets home.
i am really annoyed with myself. i'm going to be home alone all night.

listening to: lucero - tears don't matter much

HAHAHAHAH

this shit never gets old

i am going to try to catch up on the weekend since i'm so awful.
on saturday i woke up at about 12:30, i think, and watched two towers with mom + morgan and had phish food ice cream for breakfast. it was hella awesome. i love mama. mom started to fall asleep, so we only watched the first disc. then i got online for a little bit before laylee called around 2:30 and we got to talk for a while before we worked on making plans for getting together. it must've taken for fucking ever because laylee and brock didn't get here until like 6:30. i was sad that the day had been reduced to that sick portion of night, like every single weekend last year. it turned out okay of course. shortly after they arrived and we were trying to figure out what to do, eileen arrived to spend the night. so the five of us went to pie in the sky armed with coupons and had lovely pizza. at one point tarah called and said she would try to get a ride over to us. she didn't show up, and we couldn't reach her on her cell phone. (later i found out that her brother wouldn't give her a ride, she'd lost her cell phone, and was dragged downtown where she had a GREAT time.) we ended up being there for a lot longer than we meant to, and mom had turned into a pumpkin by the time we called home, so dad had to pick us up. we hung out in my room and i turned on lunachicks but no one understood and i played "jan brady" 3 fucking times but no one would listen to the chorus. i basically fell over on the bed so that i could listen to it by myself while other people talked, and i guess laylee thought i was upset so she came over and hugged me awww. i love that laylee loves me. she always assures me that other people do too, but sometimes i can only tell with her. i guess because she is so physical about it, i have to believe her. i do love her. oh oh oh. anyway i guess everyone else thought i was upset too, because they started to dance, to prove that they were listening and they understood the lunachicks. seeing my chance, i started "jan brady" over and made them hear the chorus finally. i hope they fucking got it. and for some reason we had on throwing muses for a bit, too, and i got to dance and it was good. and morgan made some comment about my hips agopiwhpwahgpawiogh. oh we tried to introduce brock to the suicide girls but either he didn't get it or he didn't like it or he wasn't comfortable or... something. it was sad. anyway. we eventually decided to watch "hedwig and the angry inch" which dad had bought at turtle's earlier. brock ended up having to leave in the middle, even though laylee was going to give him a ride home. he didn't really argue because he had to help his mom with something at church in the morning. i know he won't let me loan him the movie because of its subject matter, so i guess we will have to watch the rest here some time. that reminds me. does anyone want to come over and watch "ghost world" with me? i have been wanting to watch it for a long time and for some reason i have not. i mean, i own it, i don't know why i haven't. but i know that last year several people tried to watch it and they all hated it and i want to make them understand. plus i want sallis to see it, because we talked about it that once and he refused to let me loan it to him. by the way, sallis, do you still have my wasteland? i can't remember. and becca, do you still have my diane izzo cd? and frank, do you still have my heart?
laylee and i cuddled on the couch all through the rest of the movie. oh pretty oh pretty. then laylee and i listened to music and whatnot and talked to kevin online until he finally came over to pick her up. she had to go home anyway, and i wish she had spent the night here. no one has spent the night here in forever. i hate to wake up so lonely. that is the one thing that sucks about having a male best friend with anal parents. after laylee left, i just went to sleep because i wasn't really in the mood to stay up all night doing nothing, for once.
i woke up around 12:30 again, i believe. morgan locked me out of the bathroom so i stumbled around blindly until she let me in to get my glasses. eileen looked so fucking adorable all asleep with ervin the bear awwww. i had some breakfast and hung around. eileen and morgan scuttled in eventually. we had some breakfast and hung around. we watched music videos, and determined that jeff buckley has a very close resemblace to brock. actually, eileen said that if brock and i had a kid, it would be jeff buckley. now that is a compliment if i have ever heard one. she'd already complimented brock and i on her blog the day before! "They're both so sexy. I probably have no place saying this, but I think they should be radical movie-star lovers who elope to india. They'd have neat adopted kids who would all join the peace corps." jesus how sweet is that!?! i certainly wouldn't mind that prophecy coming true. here's hoping.
laylee and i decided we should take a yoga class. we're too offended to take the sunday afternoon one at midtown yoga. any suggestions on somewhere else? maybe we'll look into the place sallis goes/went. also brock kept calling on and off all day. it made me really really happy. i don't think i said so. it was great, though. we had made plans to go to this silly battle of the bands at some crazy church, because it was going to be awful. it had to be. with bands featuring JR and davis. shudder. plus, i will do ANYTHING to get out of the house on sunday. sunday is the worst day ever. and i didn't even have any homework this weekend. it was a miracle of god. or mat devine. so we met at walgreen's where brock picked up some film from this summer, and his mom got us an umbrella so that we could cross the street (ahaha) and got me some tapes for my camera. it was very sweet. she said it was to pay me back for helping with brock's french video. she really didn't have to. even though i lost one of the blank tapes in their house. ahaha. so the bands were basically as bad as we expected, but we ended up staying there the whole time which i didn't think we were going to do. they were a lot more diverse than i thought they'd be. JR's band was ska, davis's was really pop, detriment was metal, rustic ruckus was jammy funk, bob sagat trio was 2 former grahamwood guys with acoustic guitars playing a stupid cover medley, and submerged truth was pop punk. plus there was a choir. the whole thing reminded me of the neil's event in that the crowd consisted of the bands' parents, the bands' friends, and the bands' parents' friends. and then there were just some people who went to the church too, i guess. even with a slightly diverse crowd, because of being mostly friends of the band, they were still really ... shitty. the first band that played, all these kids rushed the stage and then just STOOD there. like they've never been to a real show. actually, i guess they haven't. i was wanting really badly to dance the whole night, even if just in the aisle, because dancing to bad music makes it SO much better. i think brock didn't really want to bring attention to us, or he just didn't feel like it, and i'm too dumb to do it alone so we sat there. it was nice though because we got to talk and people-watch a lot. when JR's band went on, we spotted tarah in the "crowd" by the stage and went up. they started playing, and brock and i went nuts. people were so surprised, i don't think they knew how to react. they moved away, so we were left with a huge amount of dancing space. we were everywhere and it was beautiful. i love brock concert dancing. i can't even say. god. after a little bit, i noticed that hunter thompson was dancing next to brock and HAHA that cracked me up. a lot. then abby wilenski appeared and danced as well. and THEN svetlana lapova appeared out of nowhere, got in between me and brock, and basically tried... grinding with him. ewwww it was obscene and i really didn't like it. he half-assed it a little, and then left her to grind by herself. it was pretty funny, especially since she doesn't go nuts like you'd expect to some ska band. she dances pretty. like constant. it's sort of annoying, if you only have one dance and you know you look hot doing it so you do it automatically instead of really feeling the music. because that is literally all i do. morgan thinks i'm a good dancer, but she's silly and she has not been to enough shows. i made lots of eye contact with the trombonist, and after the show i said good job to the very pop-punk saxophone guy. he actually looked at me when i said it, instead of just taking it and walking off. it was really nice, and it made me like him. oh, brock said that when we started to dance and stuff he thought he heard JR say "now that's what i like to see" from the stage, and that some girls turned around to look at us. i didn't notice that though. my favorite band was rustic ruckus, because the phish bassist was this adorable rockstar kid. he was so great. afterwards, i told him he was the only real rockstar there, that he had a stance and everything. that i didn't know why i was there, but thank you. he looked really surprised, not arrogant, and that made me like him. and the church people gave us free water. thank you church people. the other bands were basically not very intersting. during davis' band, brock wiggled 4 of his toes out of the hole in his sock. i poked them. his toes are really soft, and i love them. we basically toe/hand-ed all through their set. they weren't good though, so it doesn't matter. i can't even remember who won, except for rustic ruckus. when they played again, brock and i went down to the almost-front, but still in the aisle and danced NUTS. we both had to take off our jackets and our glasses and it was funny and great. i think a lady filmed us a little. the song was really schizo so there was all kinds of different dancing available to be done. man that was great. dancing will always make life so much better. i should do it more often. i loved getting to hang out with brock. and people watch and dance. i love the boy. melt melt melt.
today was blegh except for that we only have a 2-day week and my kill hannah cd came. hoorah.

listening to: kill hannah - no one dreams anyway

MY KILL HANNAH CD + FAN PACK FOR ONLY $11.99 CAME TODAY!! GWHAHAHAH

listening to: kill hannah - they can't save us now

why do i suck at blogging and where are hte headphones?!

I scored a 67% on the "How Memphis Are You?" Quizie! What about you?

listening to: the bens - wickled little town

hooray! brock and laylee are on their way over. i'm excited. anyone can join, if you feel the need. this weekend is good, and then we have thanksgiving. weeeoooo.

listening to: the moldy peaches - jorge regula

i think my head's in heaven

today was pretty damn good. school felt sort of silly and very far off, like i wasn't actually there. the day wasn't that long. i think i did better on my math test than i was anticipating. i think i failed latin though. oh well. after school, brock and i had decided to just sort of walk around and hang out for a bit. ezra wheeler turned around and waved to me at the crosswalk. it was nice. he loaned me a pencil in algae. brock and i ended up going to the mall to get some food, because we're just that punk. right as we were walking in, the gratzes pulled up next to us to drop off lydia. it was funny. we talked to william for a couple minutes. he was on his way to have his wisdom teeth pulled. i am so lucky with no wisdom teeth... but it doesn't really count because i still had TERRIBLE oral surgery last summer. shudder. all i remember is amelie and organic macaroni and bubble fish. the point is. while we were eating, robin and katherine w showed up to steal brock's cell phone. it was nice to see them. we sort of loosely talked about doing something later, but robin never called us and we never called her. so i don't know. maybe tomorrow... after they left, we walked to davis-kidd. it was really really nice. we were there for quite a while. there were adorable japanese girls, two cute little boys, and even an eileen mushroom. it was great. we looked at language books, art magazines, photography, muscle men. we talked and split a piece of "chocolate spoon lovin'" cake. we also called laylee and becca to see if they wanted to hang out, but becca's sister was coming into town and they had to eat dinner as a family. they were supposed to call us back later, and forgot to, so we didn't see them or hear from them at all. somehow i feel like brock and i did a lot MORE at davis-kidd, but i guess not. it was very nice at any rate. i love the boy. his mom picked us up, took us to blockbuster, and then back to their house. brock translated some french magazines to me and we looked at gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous pictures (people). we were looking at this article on like. sex in cinema. and since i couldn't read it i could only comment on the pictures. then we started just discussing the models in the ads. then brock was like "oh oh oh" and got out this like. french fashion magazine, saying "there is one guy in here who you are going to love." so we flipped through the whole magazine very carefully, studying everyone scrupulously. near the very end, brock pointed to this totally androgynous little guy and says "this is the one i thought you'd like" and i squealed to death. partly because the man was beautiful, and partly becuse brock knew i'd like him. it was nice. brock said he'd never had anyone to look at his magazines with before and i was glad that we did. i love talking about people with brock, because ... we're both so damn bi. it's completely perfect. then we went downstairs and i started to get some ice cream. i noticed brock watching me, doing that adorably sheepy smile. and i was like "what?!" and he made fun of how i use the ice cream scoop. ahhahahaa. well. he does do it much better than me. we were being really silly and i think i was probably loud, and i think we were disturbing his parents watching some nuts sci-fi scary fillum. sorry, terwillegers. we had to watch our movie (venus beauty institute, featuring the adorable audrey tautou) in wesley's room. it was funny. as i've said, brock and i are very intense in movies. it's too much fun. it makes movies so much more entertaining, when you're really into them. to the extent that you're gripping someone's arm and biting pillows. and we're not talking about thrillers. speaking of. allison did her michael jackson impression english class today. it was fucking awesome. after the movie, we sat around and listened to music and whatnot. then we watched degrassi and some music videos and whosits. my dad came at like 12:45, which was awesome. today was such a great brock day. i really hope he had as good of a time as i did. but i think he did. it was pretty perfect. i didn't mind that much that we didn't get to see anyone else. i think i enjoy brock's company more when we're alone. maybe it just depends who else is around. but everyone knows i get jealous so fucking easy... oh one bad thing was that with all the beautiful models and everything, and brock's newly voiced extreme confidence about his appearance, i felt so ugly all night long. i mean, it wasn't like every five seconds i whined about being a hag. actually i didn't say anything at all. but i didn't THINK it every five seconds either, it was just a general feeling. which i obviously didn't really like. i guess i should be prettier. i started thinking 'well what the fuck alanna you sit there and whine that youre so fucking ugly and you dont do anything about it. you STILL don't buy clothes ever or wear make up or shave your legs or brush your hair. so what the fuck do you expect?' and that's about it. but it makes me feel really silly anyway. oh yeah, but brock and i did the great thing we do a lot where we both start singing the same song at the same time. like 203597 times. i like it that we are doing that again. it's insane and it amazes me every time. god i love brock. man i bet that is all i talk about. well. shit. laylee, if this every becomes what brittany and i lovingly referred to as 'the kyle blog' please let me know. shit guys. i know you guys want to read about it. fucka.
listening to: tattle tale - take ten

today i woke up feeling great, because of being done with my research paper. to some extent, today would've been better if it wasn't physics day. it meant that most all my friend-ishes were absent. but it also meant that most of my classes were really small, which was cool. that's about it. brock told me the secret of who won the scribbler "obsessions" contest but i can't tell. i feel so privileged!!! i love it. brock called me twice today. see? we really are going back to that old thing. it's very nice. i didn't have much homework, but i have an algebra test tomorrow that i am going to fail. it was pretty funny because brock tried to help me, and normally he's the one who is utterly lost. i'm worried about it, because i feel like it's not just one test... not only will it affect my comprehension on the material for the rest of the year, i feel like this is just going to be the first shit i don't get and from here on i won't get anything at all. welcome to the new pattern. hooray.

listening to: scratch acid - ain't that love?

THE GITS OH MY F UCKKING GOD

AM FINISHED. PAPER IS APRINTIN.
START TIME: 4:30
STOP TIME: 11:45
BREAKS: HALF HOUR PHONE WITH BROCK. 1 HOUR DINNER. 1 HOUR PHONE WITH BROCK.


OH MY GOD.
THIS IS THE FASTEST I'VE EVER DONE ANYTHING IN MY LIFE.
I MEAN. I COULD GO TO BED AND BE LIKE. ASLEEP.
OR I COULD DO OTHER HOMEWORK.
THIS IS NUTS.
WOW

i write a letter every day
i send it to your vein
you whisper words i cannot face
i'm singing in my chains

i'm about to start on my Day of Death and undertake the seemingly impossible task of writing an entire research paper in a single evening. wish me luck. dan ying said it would take 3 hours.... it took laylee all weekend, and she stayed up all night on sunday to finish. we'll see, we'll see. but i already have a damn headache, and i'm starving. i'm gonna get a peppah.

HOW ARE JOEY RAMONE'S LEGS SO IMPOSSIBLY LONG AND SKINNY? god i love the man.
today wasn't awful. i felt really dumb all day. probably because of shitty grades i've been getting. and then something else. i don't know what but it made me feel really stupid too. plus i finally remembered to make up my history map test, but as climbed out of the stairwell, ervin was walking away down the hall. so i ran back down the stairs. i can't believe i'm so stupid. again. aggugh.
oh yeah, it was MIXITUP day at lunch. they've been promoting it for like two weeks. it's supposed to be this day where you sit with a different group of people than your normal one. to promote tolerance or something. as if that isn't silly enough, my ret@rd*d school made it worse. when you walked into the cafeteria, you were given a little square of colored paper and you were asked to sit at a table that matched the color. you didn't have to, or anything, but rather than promoting just the concept of sitting with someone new, you were basically forced to. it was such a piece of shit. anyway, our regular table (minus nisha, praise god) sat at the color table that brock and katherine had been assigned to. there were two girls sitting there already, and we talked to them a little. one of them's name is linda and i asked to see her bag, so that i could read the pins. she had ones for atom and his package, pedro the lion, coheed and cambria... i was really impressed but she just sort of shrugged or something. it made me wonder if she actually liked the bands, or if someone just gave her the pins. also, mark fucking bolding sat down next to sallis. ho is that for awkward? poor sallis. i couldn't tell if the rest of the people that ended up there usually sat together or not. so i guess we mixed it up a little, but it was mostly awkward, and mostly me and brock talking. oh well. it seemed like the day was pretty awkward for everyone. or cruel, in some instances. it just seems like the popular people were kind of like "ooh let's mix it up and sit with the unpopular people!" the cafeteria was still segregated black/white though, pretty much. except for this asian kid sitting at a table with some black guys. he looked absolutely miserable. even more miserable was this white kid sitting with some black guys... he was so miserable, he was reading the newspaper. a lot of people were only participating because they though they'd get in trouble if they didn't. you could tell. the whole idea made me really sad. kids shouldn't be forced into an activity like this, and we weren't, so most people didn't even try to do it, not even student council. the ones who DID seemed to be mocking the whole concept. i think i did a better job of scaring away kids than i did making a new friends. i am not a racist or a sexist or anything. i sit with the kids i know because they're the kids i know i like. i don't sit with them because we're all middle class whities. and anyway i didn't like mark fucking bolding before he sat down, and i didn't like him anymore when lunch was over. however i waved at jo. that was a new experience. ahhahahaha.
therapy yesterday was okay. the office was locked when we got there and we waited outside for like 10 minutes. we nearly left, but lady happened to be walking by when mom knocked one last time. it was fortunate, i guess. she's asked mom to sit in for all our sessions recently. it's sort of intimidating but i think what she's trying to do is make it more comfortable for me to talk in front of more than one person, or something. or maybe just more comfortable with mom. well, there's some kind of point to it, i know that much. first we talked about the dad/blog thing and she had me leave to talk to mom alone for a few minutes. that was strange, we've never done that before. then we talked about how to fix shit, etc. lady said i can bring dad in any time i want, and try to work on issues better in a session. that might help, if we had something concrete to deal with. rather than just me being constantly pissed off at his ness. then she asked about my report card, and how things in history discussion went, and how my college research is going, and if i've done anything to get on my way to driving. mostly it's okay. i sounded really okay. pretty hilarious after one of the worst weeks of my life. at the very end she asked if i had anything else to say. i tried to say what a bad week i'd had, but it felt really unimportant suddenly, and there were no words that fit it right. she asked if i was stressed or sad or what? and i had no idea how to say it, so i was basically like "eahoig" and that was the end. plus mom was still there, that definitely affected things. it's harder to talk like that.
we came home, i got some ice cream, and then the parentals and i sat down for a Talk. i don't really want to go into it, but dad agreed not to look at my blog again. i made him tell me a few details, so if you're interested: he looked for it specifically on google, it didn't just happen to pop up. he has been reading it every day for the past few weeks, and before that more irregularly. he doesn't understand the privacy issue.
end. as the conversation was breaking up, he told me that brock and brandon had called ("oh, her male entourage!" quoth mom). i was afraid to call back brock because it was like 9:30. which isn't that late, but still. margaret would've been asleep, come on. there was something really really nice about talking to brock on the phone last night. i can't really put my finger on it. i feel like our relationship sort of fell out for a few weeks, but we are getting back to where we were, and i'm really glad. i couldn't stand it if brock went away. it'd be nice to think he thought the same.

listening to: rasputina - the new zero