so i'm going out some time soon. or i'm supposed to be. i feel like i spend the best part of the night waiting. it takes forever to make a plan, and then it takes even bigger forever to execute it. i've been sitting here for like an hour waiting to get picked up. i bet they found someone to take my place in the car, and no one thought to call me. bloody perfect. i need some lovin.

listening to: bikini kill - no backrub

IF THERE IS ANYONE IN THIS GOD-RIDDEN WORLD WHO IS WILLING TO COLLABORATE ON THE AP ENGLISH WORK...... CAN YOU PLEASE FUCKING CALL ME? I'M ABOUT TO FILE A SUICIDE.

just got back from my first session of therapy... woe is me, i am so full of angst. it wasn't particularly awful in any way, shape, or form, but you know me. i wanted to kind of filter things, and i had to focus on just trying to say everything. then she would ask me questions that i had no idea how to answer, so my "assignment" is to write down some certain things to talk about. so, yes, i am going to go back. i don't know how long i'll keep it up, though. i actually found myself wanting to say more, really irrelevant things. just about stuff that i don't really SAY to people, because it's just that irrelevant. i told her that i write, and maintain websites, and make movies. i'm really bad about talking sometimes. i guess i was nervous. but if anyone has lovely therapy advice to give me, i would be glad to have some. that's all for right now. i really need to finish my school work. i'm so ashamed of myself.

listening to: the kills - black rooster

i had a really nice night, which was surprising. brock and laylee were busy, and i hadn't talked to anyone else about doing stuff. mom got home from work, and after a while we went out to eat at cafe 1912. i had ham and *cheese* crepes, and mom had an oyster po-boy. it was nice. i actually ENJOYED eating out, for once. we sat outside, and the flies were annoying but the breeze was pleasant. afterwards, we rented some movies at black lodge. when we got back home, we put on "money or nothing" with john cusack which was not as funny as it was made out to be. that always happens when we rent damn movies. at 10, i got a call from MARGARET! she wanted to come and pick me up, and surprisingly, mom let me out. so meg and margaret came and got me. meg was hungry so we were going to stop by mcdonald's until i spotted some punk asses outside ihop, so we headed over there instead. we asked to be seated by them, but we were WAY too close so we moved into a booth behind a soundproof wall. i love people-watching with meg and margaret. it was too great for words. the punk/goth kids were great, and there were two transgender kids among them. one of them looked really out of place in his/her pink sweater, among all the black... meg had to be home by 11, so margaret took her back to my house to get her car. then margaret and i drove downtown. we walked around for a few minutes, but ended up back in the car driving and driving. she took me home around 11:45 (luckily, my mom was asleep so i didn't get in trouble with i came in a bit late) but i sat in the driveway and talked to her extra. i LOVE talking to her. i have great car chat with margaret, and i love more than anything to make her laugh. margaret's laugh is beautiful, and i always feel really really good when she laughs at something i say and knowing that i can make someone sound so happy. she makes me feel like a decent person, and she makes me want to tell her everything about my life. thank god for margaret. we better have english together.

listening to: the porch ghouls - tragic ground

well it's been a few days since i made a real post. i feel guilty. sorry, for all you faithful readers who don't exist. no, really i just decided to post because i JUST FINISHED THE GRAPES OF FUCKING WRATH (and it was terrible) and now i'm avoiding the assignment. ah well. that's life, for you. no actually that's ME for you, but what can you do? and i tried to print out the grapes of wrath assignment (i lost my copy, and laylee had to type it up for me) and the damn priner jammed. how perfect. so i'm waiting for mom to come fix it.
anyway..... last night we skipped open-mic and instead, elise brought brock and robin over to color some more on morgan's video. when brock finished painting the skirts and elise was sick and tired of watching us do things, robin was hungry so we walked over to sonic. we watched two moths fucking on the menu sign. it was a really nice night, but they left at 10 because robin had to be home. it ended far too early. but i got to drink my chocolate milkshake back at home. i wrote the shittiest poem i've written in my whole life. it was so bad i haven't been able to bring myself to read over it at all. but once the server gets back up, it will be available for torture on DOY. unless i decide it's too terrible for anyone else's eyes.
this morning, morgan and dad left for a comic con in chicago. morgan is super loud and woke me up at 7:30 in the morning. luckily i got back to sleep after she stopped clattering around the bathroom. i hope she's having a glorious time with our silly little man. they're going to meet sean astin. (i'm link crazy today. pluggin like a muthafucka. woohoo!) anyway. it's really funny how many people have blogs. blog o' mine, you are tried and true. you are the real deal. you have seen one too many layout changes. you have seen different servers, and different readers, and all kinds of nice things. sigh. how i love thee. kinda.
so i'm going to go see if anybody has posted on my regs... brock, becca, christie... ted actually hasn't posted in a while, i'm very disappointed. i'm starting to think he's moved from the location i keep looking for him in.
i really want to do something tonight. i want to do things before school starts sob. somebody call me.

listening to: belle and sebastian - family tree

"your brain is ass."


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAAHAAHAHHAH

if i die listening to pixies... i'll be okay. there is no one as amazing. no one no one no one no one no one.

give me help, give it hell. you can...
levitate me
then take off them rings, off them hose
levitate me
higher place
levitate me
ELEVATOR LADY ELEVATOR LADY ELEVATOR LADY ELEVATOR LADY
LADY LEVITATE ME!
if all in all is true
if all in all is true
if all in all is true
if all is true..
won't you please run over me?
shaky shake... shake it!
levitate me
come on pilgram, you know he loves you
levitate me
higher place
they kick your baby?!
ELEVATOR LADY ELEVATOR LADY ELEVATOR LADY LADY
ELEVATOR LADY LADY LADY LADY LEVITATE ME
if all in all is true
if all in all is true
if all in all is true
if all is true...
won't you please run over me?

listening to: pixies - levitate me

well i had a lovely day! i sat around a lot, and avoided the wrath. i can't really remember what i did that took up the whole day. oh i guess that's because mom woke me up at 12, and katherine came over around 4. (i totally made up that time. it was some time this afternoon.) ANYWAY. she has a GREAT haircut. it's very very cute, so it suits her. brock called about 5:30, which made me incredibly happy, as he had just gotten back in town. weee!!!! so we finished eating, and took morgan over to foot's house, and then picked up brock around 6:30. he was wearing the hamster shirt and he was beautiful. so at home, we sat around and editted/watched film thingies and talked and looked at blogs and listened to some songs and had a lovely time. brock got picked up around 10:30. katherine and i imported ALL the footage we have to work with for her "much finer" video. i'm really excited about it again now. i hope she can come back over tomorrow (today, by now) and work on it. this isn't like "untouchable face" where elise told me what she wanted, we gathered a bunch of footage, and i locked myself away and editted it all together. either, katherine needs to be here to tell me what to do, or she needs to edit it herself. the only thing i am comfortable with doing is clearing away some of the really obvious trash footage, to make things simpler. but it's going to be a GREAT video. i hope we get some things finished, so that we have more than 2 music videos in the film festival, especially with us being featured filmmakers. i'm still nervous about whatever we're supposed to do for our workshop thingie... i'll just get katherine to go talk. she is nice at talking. anyway she got picked up around 12. i just had a great conversation with zoë, and things are really nice right now. (except for when i think about school. socially i will be excited to see some kids, but i haven't done enough of my summer work at ALL. i'm going to kill myself this year.)

listening to: the dismemberment plan - you are invited

so i'm not as lonely tonight as i was last night. part of it is knowing that i'm not the only one who is lonely. (thank you, brock. i love it that i'm not the only one. wahaha is that evil?) i started a post earlier today but it has disappeared.... oh yeah, i'm home now. elise came to visit me for a few minutes on wednesday night when we got back, because she left the next day for new orleans to visit brandon for a few days. i hadn't seen her since last monday (psuedo sonic poetry night) and then of course the day after that, the power went out. and yes, my power is back now. some kids i know still don't have theirs, though, which is just AWFUL. i think zoë got hers back only this afternoon, am i right? it's a crime. but let's see. yesterday was thursday... i went to a sale at lost in paradise with my mom, where she bought me a skirt. she literally forced me to try on a lot of things, including short (well, to me they were short) skirts and girly shirts and a DRESS. it was weird and i felt girly, in the imposter sense. i make for the shittiest girl ever. it's disgusting. so after we left there, mom wanted to go to the junior league and look for uniforms for school. she said she'd drop me at home, but she FORGOT. eck. anyway, the junior league has closed forever, which is a shame. i liked it there. so instead she took me to tjmaxx to buy a *BRA* and it was the worst thing in my life. i don't even know what fucking size i wear, and i was supposed to sift through miles and miles of lacy undergarmets and know what i'm doing. (i told you i make the shittiest girl alive.) it was horrifying. i basically just stood there. so mom was like "IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LOOK, WE'RE LEAVING!" and i was terrified so i said "okay" and then we left that aisle, but unfortunately did not leave the store. oh well. anyway. soooo we got home and i got to page 150 in grapes of wrath, and right as i did, LAYLEEEEEE came!! it was marvelous. she's beautiful, and makes me way happy. then dad took us to open-mic. it was pretty empty... just us and zoë. (brock is very much out of town. did i mention it? well, he is. but he emails me LOTS so it's okay.) morgan and paul were there as well. yay! the five of us escaped outside when tilden got to read. paul was cutting his own hair (in random snippets) but he couldn't reach the back, so he let me do it. it was VERY exciting and i stole some hair off the sidewalk. it's now forever going to be spread around in my purse-thing.. it was stuck on laylee's phone too ahhaah. sigh..... i cut a lilla bit of my own hairs, and it was incredibly fun. i should do it every day. anyway, amber and will also came. amber's improv was nice this week too. there was a table of kids i'd never seen before. they didn't read, but they were definitely there specifically for the poetry. they left before morgan read, though zoë and i tried to stop them. stephen showed up for a few minutes. then william and becca showed up at the very end, just to give paul a cd and talk to layleekins. but becca played with my hand while morgan read, and hugged me a lot lot lot, and it was beautiful just like she is, and the night was nice overall. laylee came back to my house afterwards but had to call her mom to come get her right away. LUCKILY, we had a few minutes to talk before she got there. i love to talk to laylee...... she's my favorite thing in the world.
today i didn't do much of anything. i watched fight club again, but i have already rambled to brock about that and i am not really prepared to do it again. i think i liked it better the first time, but this time i was paying way more attention to the cinematography because i knew the story already. and it's a really really really well done fillum. i love that part of it. and i love edward norton. *cue the music*
edward is the man!
i am a norton fan!
.... FUCK! ... ME! ...... NORTON!!!!!
when he comes a'courtin,
edward is my norton!
.... EDWARD! ... NORTON! ..... FAN!!!!!!

listening to: changing names - unsatisfied

i feel kind of weird and lonely right now. as ridiculously cliche and wretchedly stupid as it sounds, i just want to be held. i don't really have anything to say. i feel really shitty though, and i wish i was in love.

listening to: wilco - how to fight loneliness

i drew the stars into the night with a stick of thin chalk
not very well, i'm afraid
i've never been an artist
they didn't stick and slid off after a few hours
in the delirium of their fall, she came to me with only one shoe
in the wreckage i gained a freckle in the crook of my elbow
she is beautiful
she puts her hands against my forearm, to separate my fingertips from her soft stomach
i kiss us until i notice something running down my skirt
i remember the star disaster
the night is just glossy black glass and miss moon is not pleased
i take refuge in your skin
someone else can clean up

hi, all. that's a total joke, i know that nobody is reading this blog *cough* tedlink *cough* well hey i can say that because i have comments which nobody uses. i'm going to delete them soon, when i get back to memphia. exciting things of the past few days:
-watched a bunch of movies (don juan demarco, some cowboy bebop hting, banger sisters, america's sweethearts, robin hood, robin hood men in tights, etc etc etc because nobody has anything good to do except watch movies)
-ran through corn fields for no reason
-held a lovely rabbit
-held one very very tiny frog, newly un-tadpoled
-tried to catch another frog, but did not succeed
-was leapt upon by a lizard, and then he crawled all over me and into my bag. it was marvelous.
-broke a hammock
-ran about 'on the lamb', so that nobody would find out htat we broke hte hammock
-put out beer to kill slugs with grandma
-ate breakfast enough to last me all day long + two brownies
-was forced to take several pain-rides (opposite of joy ride?) back and forth from grandma's house to my cousins' house across the pond
-nearly hit a cow, ran into a ditch, forgot to slow down, forgot to speed up, forgot my turn signal, forgot about lanes, backed into grandma's tree.

that's about all i can think of for now. if i think anything else i'll come back. ho ho ho.

listening to:the movie 'legend' (the director's cut. it is way long, and the scenes are all screwed over, and the score is ocmpletely different. it really makes you realize how important a soundtrack is to every mood and every scene and all. okay.)

ugh i'm so sorry that i haven't been blogging.... this is the first time i've been on a computer for a week, though. all the power was knocked outta memphis during Super Storm 2003!!!!!!! there wasn't much to do. downtown got its power back really quickly, so we ended up eating there a lot of the time. i spent a lot of time sitting in the dark of my room on the phone (especially with brock, who is actually really great to talk to on the phone. don't let him tell you that he sucks at it. actually, he's great to talk to anytime/place. so nevermind. this is pointless. i love brock. okay.) and doing nothing. on thursday i got to go hang out at brock's house, and we tried to call laylee and becca to come see us but they're assholes. i never saw elise either, i don't really know what she was up to but maybe she'll post about it on her blog. so after sitting in the dark for a few days, mom and morgan and i drove to north georgia for a crazy family reunion on friday, where i didn't know anybody. yesterday, we left there and drove south to alma where my grandparents and cousins and whatnots live. we're coming back to memphis either tomorrow or wednesday... dad says the power's back, hoorah hoorah. i want to see elise before she leaves for new orleans (to visit brandon), and i want to see becca and laylee lots and lots and lots because they are lotiony gravy goodness. brock's in florida at the moment, and doesn't come back until saturday. too bad because we have been really enthusastic about SKINKARDCYST lately, and i really want to start recording our album. woohooooo i'm so punk. anyway. have a lovely life, kids. i wish this was a better post. sigh.

listening to: harry fucking potter and the goddamn chamber of punkass secrets

you run to me like your life's in danger
you run to me like i matter
you forgot the picturesque, obvious hug in which
you lift me off the ground in the intensity of our love
you forgot the movie screen kiss
and the director is screaming at you
while the camera rolls
you are wasting valuable film
under a sky where the dripping clouds were smeared on set
this is your cue
pause
it looks like rain
or sun
or not
so cut
they want me replaced
you can't work in this environment
means i just don't have what it takes
you've been settling for less
i can still sit outside your trailer
waiting for a chance to make you laugh
and when they bring the new girl in
will you still want me around at all?

tonight brock decided that the open-mic thing wasn't such a great idea after all, i guess, or that he just wasn't up for it. so he, elise, and i were going to go have our sonic poetry night. then he wasn't even allowed to go out, anyway, so i guess it was better that we weren't going to do something he REALLY cared about. so elise came to my house and we walked over to sonic loaded with poetry anthologies. i brought a few of my own notebooks, because i REALLY REALLY want a day where we read our own things to each other.... that just feels like a really close, personal, beautiful thing to me, and i wanted to have that day with brock and elise. anyway though. so elise and i basically took turns reading poems to each other... i read out of a few compiled books by a bunch of different people, but elise stuck with this james tate book. not that he isn't great and everything. it was an okay night... we talked for a little bit. i don't feel like we accomplished too much or anything. then i came home and brock was online, so we wrote some punk songs. i love our late nights. *claws* anyway i think i am going to try to go call elise.

listening to: lunachicks - the return of brickface and stucco

i have finished angela's ashes!! bravo for me. i'm sorry, laylee... but i really have to finish things. don't worry, i haven't done ANYTHING on the assignments, though. i just read the two books, and that's it, not a page more. let's see. tonight there is a thing at the basement with open-mic whatnots, and brock is trying to figure out whether or not it's all ages. let's see.... i'm waiting for dad to come back with my film from wolf camera, and morgan is spending the night with foot and seeing pirates of the caribbean for the 3 time as we speak. thursday is my first .. therapy. what do you call him? my first therapeutiic session ahahahahaahah damn it. i am going to be really bad at this, i can tell already.

listening to: tattle tale - sister blue

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

my answers on this thing is always different, which i think is hilarious. i like to take it over and over. i've only posted it two other times though: here and here. i can't tell which one makes me seem more messed up. i know this thing is just silly but it makes me think anyway. i mean, it obviously has some basis in reality. oh well. i'm supposed to see a therapist sometime soon. i don't know how it will go... i'm pretty freaked out, actually. i don't know.

listening to: pixies - hey (the live version that i LOVE)
(just now morgan came in to get some popcorn and i was listening to this on the headphones, so i lip-synched to her glass of milk. she could tell what i was 'singing' becuase of the faces i made. is that sad or what?!)

"well we've entered the 21st century now!!" -- my mother, upon the installation of our new microwave

i am SO eating a big ole bowl of buttery popcorn. hell yes. my life is beautiful.


listening to: dead milkmen - leggo my ego

just talked to brock on the phone for 4+ hours. le sigh. i absolutely love him. sometimes i feel like it isn't mutual or he's settling for somebody... like he'd much rather be closer to somebody else, instead of me, but i am the person who is around. and then we have lovely moments (or 4+ hours) like this, or the time he tickled my back and we invented the lobsters in the sand song. i love that kid.

listening to: tokyo ska paradise orchestra - lupin the 3rd '78

got back from visiting my grandparents in jackson about an hour ago. not too much happened... i'm about to post the interesting stuff on DOY though. so you can check that out if you care. uhmm. i'm looking forward to seeing some kids, but i doubt anything will happen tonight. too bad. i'm glad that i didn't miss too much, like brock said. last time i was in jackson, i missed the world.

listening to: desaparecidos - manana