Friday, July 27, 2018

lost on the ride

i haven't been writing. that's no good. i think this adderall helps my brain to not be a pinball machine but instead i am constantly hyperfocusing (??) i don't know if that' sthe right word to use for what is happening. i'm forgetting that i put a string around my finger. i maybe lost hte string before it even got to my finger. oof. i'm getting lost in the internet ALL THE TIME. this week i made a bunch of internet IMPULSE BUYS which is a new thing that i've never really done and it was a little too easy. i'm trying to do some research, or what i am doing turns into research, but i am just amassing a bunch of links and articles that i have not read. it's all stuff that's very exciting to me, about clown and performance and activist art, but the deeper i go, the more overwhelmed i am. first of all, by the amount of information i've already gathered that i haven't touched, and second, by the sheer amount of people in this work. is this kinda why i fell off the train last year? when i realized there are thousands of clown troupes roving around the world, living my dream??
BUT REMEMBER - if them, why not me? don't forget that xmas revelation!!! that was a big one. if people are doing it, why can't i be one of them?? because i'm afraid of not being as good as them OR of not being original enough. it seemed like a better idea before i realized there were thousands of theatre clowns. BUT ALSO REMEMBER - as we learned from our trip to dell'arte, much of what these clowns are doing is not exciting to me. they're doing a different thing, they're on their own journey. that's why i keep coming back to POCHINKO and the CLOWN FARM and canada and i know i have to go there. i have to write to john, said donna. i have to call donna back. why am i avoiding these things???????? fear of failure, probably. goddamn that one.


i just got lost on a goodreads trail for like 30 or more minutes. what hte fuck. i didn't want to and i don't want to. i have nO SELF CONTORL!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 03, 2018

damn dumb

i've opened a beer but i'm out of lives on candy crush and also on two dots and that means i have to find something new to look at on the phone or try to be in my body in 20 minutes or however long it actually takes to drink a beer - does anyone know?
i'm sick with shuffle playing love songs. i want the passion but not the subject.
i tell myself it's okay, today is so and so, this isnt time to quit or even abstain. as if the day exists. what a fiction ! does adderall make my memory worse? could it get any worse?
(maybe i didn't know before... i'm not good at remembering the specifics but i can feel changes - or maybe i was always doing these physical things but my brain was pinballing so fast i didn't take the time to observe the physical stuff except every now and then? (oh wait your toes have been crunched up for maybe 30 minutes and it doesn't feel so great.))

Saturday, June 23, 2018

run with the wolves and make art

respond !

be wild

be stupid

if you're thinking too much you're not able to be creative

don't use fear to avoid the river

work EVERY DAY no matter what

notebooks. pens. pockets.

get the fuck off the internet

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

fucking today why

saw on the calendar that today is the new moon. it's june. which means that today is the one year anniversary of chris cheating on me (to my knowledge) and also leaving me. no wonder i have felt like hell all day. and now my heart is racing and my mind is fuzzy and all the other stupid shit that happens when i get triggered. my throat closing. my eyes blurring. the whole deal. i just want to lie down but i have so much to do. i guess it's better to stay busy than to wallow.


also my cat has been gone since before the storm last night and i'm very worried.
why in the fuck do i think i can be everywhere at once
why can't i pay attention when people are supposed to listen to me
why can't i pay attention when i'm supposed to hear anyone



what the fuck is wrong with you.
why do you sound miserable and whiny all the time.
no one wants to be friends with a depressive or someone who is constantly complaining. this is not news.
you look back at the night, the day, the week, the month, and you remember conversations but not where you were. like your mouth just opens and the shit flies out without you intending it to.
maybe medication can fix this.
how the fuck do you fix this? being unintentionally negative whiny complaining. being never in your mind or body. being automatic fool forever. how the fuck do you fix something so far gone

Tuesday, June 05, 2018

to try to write a line

i've made a home out of my chair
a cave in my room
it's not as if i don't care
it's just i can't move



i get mixed up
i feel fucked up


i put the pressure on it. i thought maybe if i got to this place after two beers and some smokes and a bug collaprsing on my shoulder and a possum in the bush and the smoke in my eyes and the bugs dancing around the light i thought i could set the mood and the keyculator would work its magic. it doesn't hmake the magic. the smoke blows back into my nose and eyes while i type and it's not very fun. this is not a glamorous life. why does this bug want to keep dying on my shoulder? flailig on the pavement, then my shoulder, and repeat.
i'm astounded by the things i don't notice. i think of myself as an astute person but i'm barely awake and living. there's so much in my head i can't stand. i've made my own undoing.

the day is new and fresh with life
i've seen all my mistakes
there's no reason to return to strife
now that i know the stakes

at the end of the tunnnel
at the other side
if i can get through this
if i can keep a ride
there's nothing at the bottom
there's nothing at the top
there's nowhere like a button
to keep you in your lock
they'll try to blame you
they'll try to tame you
they'll try to change you
they'll try to frame you
you were there in the chair. you were there and you were thinking. you were thinking you were sitting you were waiting you were wanting. you wanted everything. you saw everything. the visions came and stayed. you wanted it all. and you wanted it all at once, right now, here, instant, evolution, propulsion. you were sitting and thinking and it wasn't ever going to be good enough. you had plans but you couldn't figure them into action at the same time. you had dreams but you surrendered to memes. your body sinks and shrivels into a familiar cushion dent. you know you came but you haven't went. your hand finds its familiar place picking at your head. your hand moves to your mouth and your fingers taste like lead. the crashing in the bushes creates rushes down yr spine. you tell yrself it's nothing but yr afraid at the same time. when all you want's a possum but the humans run yr mind. please be. please don't be. please be. please don't be.
i think the trick is not to look.
i think the trick is cricked crook.
i think i want a fishing hook.
yes yes it's true hte words come fast
when yr eyes arent on full blast
the light's deceptive, bright, and cruel
sending yr brain straight back to school
and what a hell and what a mess and do your best and get recess
and yes plese keep on that new dress
and wonder why yr hair's a mess
lady lady lady lady lady
wherefore art thou
lady lady lady lady lady
screaming as a cow
the sow without the baby
the screaming of a lady
the sow whose stolen baby
flown off to run rain yr meat


don't let yrself think about it
just keep going
yr in the drinking
yr into thinking
there's bugs that's flying
and bodies sighing
yr own is wanting
you feel it haunting
yr tongue is heavy
yr fingers steady

best of all i love that darling maiden
who is standing at my bed feet
best of all you laid the bed you made in
and curled up yr own bed sheets
you wish you never thought again
you wish you thought it all
you wish you couldve again began
beofre this same damn fall
now the lights have run past their scene
and scattered the critters gone
and even if it means it's time for me to leave
i'll be damn sure those lights turn off
come back my friend the possum babe
come back my friend raccoon
come back my friend the little junebug
come see if we see the moon



finally the lights are gone
andf finally w're free
and finally my mouth is open
for finally my words can sing


now here a different problem.
the woreds in the air and myh hands move along them
the clouds in the skhy and the beer in the cup
no one ever concined yyou about growing up
it all semed a plot and a ploy to fall in
why not canter, why not banter, why not never fal in
i'm still not convinced they've got more in their cup
when they're winsome, when they lose some, when the grown ups grow up

as if i can keep cracking my neck to make thw ords come
as if i can keep asking the mirror make me handsome
my pants could light a fire but never if i got some
imagine if i wasn't the loose change that makes you choose one
what a bitch what a bitch to epxect others to seelect
what abitch to expect others will select
what a bitch to insist that someone edit
what a bitch in our midst ther's no closer you can get
alright ibreahte you
alright i hear you
alright alright
there's no going over

ifthe truth is that everyone is borede with you
how are you going to wake up
if the truth is that you have nothing to say
how can you
how can you
be better
be better



i've made a home out of my chair
a cave in my room
i've cradled something i can't bare
i've shoulderered too soon
i've gone off the goose
but you know there's no pan



and in the screams of the night
how can i make it right
my hands clack along
i cant write a song
i cant find a way up
i cant find a way out
my fingers crack and coil
my mind shuts a shout
there's nothing i can hear
there's nothing i left out
if i could only stand up
i'd know what i'm about

if i can' tbegin
if i can't begin
if i can't begin

some days i dream i have it all
some nights i dream i never fall
some skies i scream to build a wall
some times i know i scribble scrawl
some things i know i can't recall

i had teh memory ocnce but it's gone
i had the mission once but oh god
wishing i was just living now
stood up once but then i sat down


listen i saw it
lithe light i saw it
listen i remember a thing no one taught
listen i learned a new thing i forgot
if i can see it i can be it
if i can know it i can go tehre
if you can see me that could be me
if you believe me i can be me
keep kissing keep kissing all the hard joints
keep missing keep missing all the true points
th
i've seen the light and i want that bright
i want that shine and i'll make it mine
it's easy now that i've tried a line
this greasy cow and its medicine
just give it hope and i'll give its shine
the ducks apluss with turpentine
you well remember tasting old wine
you wish you weren't so serpntine

how how how
if only if only if only
a click to say the longest feels
a clack to replace healthy meals

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

i don't feel like i'm living. i can't remember when i last did. i feel like life is just a thing that is happening to me and sometimes it feels like i can't keep up with it, and sometimes i wish it would catch up with me. my brain has been so frazzle scattered i don't know what i'm doing or what i've done. i feel like that is a main part of the problem - i am so unfocused i can't be where i am. i can't do what i'm doing. sometimes the only things i can focus on are the things that make me feel least myself, or least alive -- what the fuck is that about?? why is it easy to focus on a fantasy novel, or candy crush saga, or television, but if i'm actively doing something, the whole world scatters apart and nothing will line up in my mind and i feel insane doing anything. i can't even focus on my own feelings enough to be in them....?! like i didn't want to go to rehearsal and i was feeling awful about the play but when i got there i just turned on goober mode and acted silly but we didn't get anything done and i didn't act like i cared about it at all. what the fuck is wrong with me.

i guess saying things like that isn't going to help. i'm just so tired.

Monday, May 28, 2018

after the flower moon party, on judy's porch

i find that i literally don't have the words taht i need.
this is nothing new. i've said it 10000 times. that's part of et problem. i say it for so many situations. it is true but the nuances are hard to me to define.
right now. i want to sincerely say oh i hope you're having a good time and that's why you might not want ot talk to me but everything i try to say think of saying comes out passive aggressively in my mind, in my type. how can i be kind? can i never be graceful?
maybe i should go and work on a letter instead of waiting for a call.

other thoughts.

i came out onto the porch to find myself in the window of the full flower moon. she's behind a tree now, i can see the peeking but before, my timing was bperfect. we were aligned. i could feel her looking at me. (yes i'm that selfish.)

i have the impulse to clamber up stairs with all four limbs and i do it as often as possible - in homes only - usualy alone and unseen. so no, not as often as possible. my exaggeration makes me a constant liar.
it is the closeness of the floor and the fully body movement and
somehow
better than when i run up on only two feet, the too quick pitpat of bouncing hair and breasts.
clambering they swing, as they should, if they must exist at all.
then comes the part where i try to define my feelings about my breasts and find it imposssible because of the shifting shifting thougthts and how hard it is to think about them at all sometimes that there is no way to make a true statement. sometimes i remember that women name their own, that their connection to them is more than inconvenient sacks, and it shocks me into the remembrance that my dysphoria exists, is real, runs deep, despite how i push it to always away.

i try calling again. i'll give it two. three. four rings. i hang up and feel like a fool. why does this power have to play? why can't i feel rooted and honest in the way i feel in so many of my other close friendships? what sets this apart? what teh fuck is wrong with me?

for some reason i'm smoking and drinking. for some reason i can't quite remember.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

looking at these tiny ass photos on my phone and trying to choose which one has the best light and the best composition and the best arc of the foot i am grumpy that i'm staring at this screen and not 8x10s hanging from clothespins in a dark room - why did i have to be now - why are my retinas burning and corneas damaged from staring always at these screens
why am i always saying the same thing
somebody make me write a sonnet
how many chances can i get to say it

Monday, May 14, 2018

patterns - when i look at what i shouldn't

my skin gets cold
my vision blurs
my heart jumps
i feel fuzzy
i feel dizzy
i feel broken up
i feel useless/worthless/pathetic
i feel angry
i feel unsteady
my whole body tenses
time stops
i can't focus
my eyes dance around - i can't focus
i feel hell
i hate myself for looking
i get intrusive visuals of them fucking
i feel like the world is closing in
when i see his eyes i feel trapped
i become small
i try to disappear

rage rage rage
i hate him so fucking much
i just want to spit on his stupid face

i fear the patterns i developed because of him, the ones i learned from him

i want to change
i want to be free
i want it to be over
i feel desperate
i want revenge
i want him to hurt
i fear these feelings
i fear what this has done to me

Monday, May 07, 2018

GIVE UP GIVE UP GIVE UP
no one wants your words

Sunday, May 06, 2018

tiny fragments of a dream

the little village of fairies(?) is slowly being possessed by bad fairies / demons. you can tell by their infinite cold eyes that they're gone. i've gotta stop them without them knowing that i know !


earlier in the dream - bekka showing me their house and some kind of escape hatch out the garage door. i remember they asked for me suggestions for improvement (or something) and i said something really obvious that they already had or were working on and they laughed at me. it wasn't mean but i felt silly.

Saturday, May 05, 2018

why tho

i came home after two beers with a headache and i didn't care, i had two more, for the first time in at least ten and two days and is that good? am i better? i've been so miserable mad pathetic i have nothing to give. i am thinking of being dead and what ease. maybe my dream was prophetic or maybe i should be proactive. i don't need this beer that i snuck for. i don't know why i need to sneak. i crave the game. (there are so many better games)

how does everyone just make their stuff and do their things and it seems
not easy
but possible
how is it that everything to me looks like anti itself
how is it i am even still here


goddammit if you go anywhere

it takes so much strength in this state not to say it




did i write it? i don't remember.
when i came home after 2 beers after 0 for a week i felt
yuck not sleepy but tired probably could sleep but why bother when i could have another
prowled and pranced
kissed dogs
avoided questions so that old biddy wouldn't have to answer I HATED THE MOVIE I HATE THE COMPANY I HATE ALL THINGS
wasn't it supposed to get better if i wasn't drinking ?
wasn't it supposed to be booze that made my mind lo go ?
i borrowed the beer and i don't know why
i feel like all hell here by myself with: yes i did, there were two more beers, so four and i'm a wreck
the impulse is
tell yr wreck
text someone
let them know what hurt you or if it's late enough only how hurt
i'm trying to not
i'm trying to stop
if i'm true
how i have forced my sad feelings on everyone everyone everyone i know lately
- i used to be so much better at hiding -
i got it in my mind - it looked like - expressing would be better
i thought i saw it
i was jealous
all these people sharing sharing sharing and
!
there they go how
even i've seen them
so yeah okay so what's even real
so i try to let myself feel that impulse
and i'm just idiot speak a fool unhappy garbage tongues or beating down these closed doors or near nonverbal at the shore
i hate it i hate it how i could kill it
is it my turn

im supposed to back off but its hard
especially seeing f like this, yes hi, yes i drank it up
why am i nicer now
that wasn't the deal
why is it i grow meaner every day and seems like more when i'm sober


here is the feeling where i want to call them. this is probably also the thing that tomorrow i would say - why the fuck did i call them so late. how dumb. here is the thinking i will try to say.
i'm trying to keep my distance but it's hard so hard. i thought about saying something. i thought about typing true words. then i remembered im doing distance but by then i've started to open the window so i think - might as well check. and look. there is your sweet little face, you've seen and you know and still you don't speak. FUCK how it KILLS. what the fuck have i done what the fuck can i do. how can i ever make anything okay. i think - just tell them quick, the true thing, or no that's too honest or hurting or boring, no so tell another line - but no i said i wouldn't. because yes that's all i have done for two+ weeks now and i haven't gotten anything back. the method fails. i have failed. again again again.
and even still i think - if i can't have texts that work maybe i can just call and speak clear or even if not that my missed message will be a signal - the one saying i miss you and i want you around and i love you and -- pretty much the things i've tried to say with typed words on a regular basis.
they are too much or they aren't anything.
what a fucking fool.
tonight i'm glad i didn't call. did i make myself understand myself?
i'm always waking up and checking and oh fuxking gods why why why did i call at 4am what was i thinking what is wrong with me
yes yes everything yes yes kill it
i have the hardest time believing in t

Friday, May 04, 2018

death dream

visited by a brief vivid vision of Death this am - so vivid it woke me up at 730am. i only remember the very end. i had expressed the fear to them, "brett thinks when you die there's just Nothing next." they seemed to smile even though they were cloaked and had no visible face. brett and i are lying side by side on the ground. there's no pain or anything. it's almost like it's just Time To Go. we're as ready as we can be. Death tells us it's time. i start feeling different almost instantly but it's gradual, not harsh. my vision is dimming but my body is filling with warmth. the feeling is of comfort. i start to smile but say "wait!" and reach for brett. he folds into me and we hold each other, grinning, dimming. Death peers over me, the inside of the cloak is still a darkness with no face, "does this feel like Nothing to you?" and we are letting go and it feels like fading out and tuning in at the same time. my mind is joining the infinite universe and i'm saying goodbye and hello. and then i wake up !

Tuesday, May 01, 2018

dream and doings

well i did it again and took a melatonin too late so i'm having a damn hard time waking up and getting out of bed. so much for "fresh and bright" or whatever i said last night. so funny bc sometimes it feels like the melatonin doesn't do anything and other times it gives me crazy dreams and i'm groggy all morning. whaaaa. what's the perfect time to take it? midnight is too late for waking up before 10. (also i didn't actually go to bed till 2am woops)

did have an interesting dream where i got to hang out with will toledo (aka car seat headrest) at the furry convention except that it felt like it was at a commune in the woods - not one i know. maybe mostly like twin oaks. i think i approached him first but somehow he recognized me from seeing a video of me online - sounds like it was a shakespeare parody actually. we wandered around together awkwardly, trying to figure out where i'd left my clothes so that we could get dressed up for karaoke night. we found brett and bosh stationed on a low roof next to some wide tall stairs leading into a building - in this spot on the roof they could get the attention of the folks entering the building - they were giving away tiny plastic figurines and they were serious about it. we couldn't get them excited about karaoke (not yet anyway) and they clearly weren't impressed that i had befriended will toledo. of course the dream ended before karaoke but i remember i was struggling to come up with a song - something i could belt for sure but what ?

as i was waking up i kept reminding myself of the name of the youtube channel that had something to do with both furry and car seat headrest. but it got blurrier and even half asleep i realized it made no sense. (carseatfurcon?) plus willikers was standing on my head.

now i really do have to get up and do the day. i should be leaving already to walk the dogs. i keep getting to them late and it makes the whole day feel shorter. i guess maybe no melatonin tonight?? but how does anyone sleep?!

Monday, April 23, 2018

dead

i don't want to be looking at a screen in this harsh light but i don't know what else to be doing. i want paper but i don't have it. i left everything in the other room and i don't want to interrupt brett and rex bonding and talking sex stuff bc i know it can't happen if i'm around. now it seems also i have the toots. so there you go. i don't know why i'm still awake. i mean i do but do i ? i've been sick and wanted to not. jeebers cries how many of these pitiful journals can i write. how do i know if i'm even alive.

Sunday, April 15, 2018

my words feel so inadequate for what i mean to say

Saturday, April 14, 2018

this hell scream

here i am way too late reaching out for nonexistent connections when all i really need is paper paper paper. i need to share and no ones there. it's too dark actually to write right here.

some man with curly hair and mountain talk put his hands on my legs, said "you look good tonight," said, "i like your skirt," so i spent my evening being nice while putting myself at a distance. what could i do. i did my best. what could i do. couplet i have done more. what could i do better. what could i not fail at. what could i
how could i not
how could i

Sunday, April 08, 2018

keyculator dam disaster

theimmediaten probelmwith this chairn is tehs nsteeri ng wheel.. fuc,ing.

everye fucking time i close a door
every fucking time i close a door
every fucking climb i chose before
every fucking time an open door
it's here
i can't see anymore
okay
it's okay
it's better
it's better not to see but fast
but fast
the keyculator
the atic
okay
thank you dear one

i just saw january baby on my bookshelf in my room who has been there for who knows how many years somehow i just saw her for the fierst time since coming home
these are my eyes
these are my pathetic eyes
finally i was able to say
thank you
thank you
but where were my eyes before
where did i think she was
where did i think i was
how do i know what i was without her
my little external soul
well
well
arent we lucky to have so many external souls
little bits and pieces we can scatter
arent we witches lucky
let's keep mixing
this is the pot
this is the mixigt pot this is the potion
i make myself into you this is the potion
i am infecting you
this is the potion
i am inflirtrating you this is the potion


i like to sneak i like to creep
i like to hunt i like to haunt
i like to fly i like to leap
i like to sink i like to flaunt

who has a heart


whose is it

the cat comes in the car as the neighor porch light blinks on off on off every time a car passes but
but hello kitty
scratching it all up i love it
scratching it up and my fingers so faimliar
this is the only way out here to write in teh dark

i just checked and again i'm sure
this is the only way to write in teh dark.


remember how many words we actually accidentally destroyed
and we stil feel the pain from this loss


in the dark we're still typing and still fighting the cause
not winning we're sipping cheap booze & cheap talls
instituions out there think theyre too big to fall
but they're not accounting a fight from the smalls

we trash talk we lip lock we jay walk for miles
we dumpster we live learn we long fur & smiles
don't you think yr gonna catch a crow's nest full of fools
if you think yr safe from it, the joke's on you
come into the possum den and watch how we make brew
look at what you did instead and realize yr a tool
hahaahhaha
oh boy okay

they said
it was like being in a house full of ravens
they said
people with adhd often interrupt someone else in conversation

is this response a crime?
is it a diagnosis?

listen especially because
i want to be good at listening
i don't want to be the probelm
i am trying to show my




herees the deal
heres the deal
i want to be good who doesn't wan to be good
but
it's hard
i find
i become aware that i am hurting you
even when i don't mean to
my sounds are too much
my voice is too loud
my memory is awful
my hlifes over crowd

and here is this cat that has soethinhg to say
\he's rubbing his face
all over th kays

and here is the point when i ask myself plain
can i honor my words or break them again
do i drink one last drink and keep on this train
or go to bed now to ease future pain

THE ANSWER THE ANSWER THE ANSWER WHAT IS IT
i'm not sure i heard it i'm scared that i've missede it
the truth is there's nothing there's nothing that's right
and the ghosts with the most only find you at night

have i answered myself
have i made it okay
can i say fuck it and throw it away
HOW MANY TIMES CAN I SAY FUCK IT
WHEN DOES THE BODY SAY NO
I KNOW THAT THE BODY SAYS NO
WHY DOESNT MY BODY SAY NO
i know
it's true
on some level i am a vessel
i used to think it was a secret that i wasn't allowed to say
i pretended that the messengers were the ones who would be mad if i told about their presence
when i know now it was just a cover up for my fear
my huge huge fear
indescribable fear
who gave to me this fear
it was not these friends who knew me so long and carried me so far
it was not these ones
the fear comes from this specific hell
and i felt it so long and so much and i want to be rid of its poisonous touch
and probably these rhymes which just billow and gush
and the way i am sure nothing matters past dusk


i'm sorry i cut you off. i'm sorry for all the time i wasn't listening. thank you for keeping me going even when i didn't konw it. thank you for not letting me drive off the road. thank you for not letting me kill anything (much - i know there were bugs and butterflies and i feel it too and i am sorry but i know that it could have been worse)


i pet the cat the good soft cat cat . he has a lot of demands. he doesn't want to chill here unless he has a flat lap. it has to be a flat lap bigger than mine because my hips arent wide enough and i never sit flat enough and i never seem to be able to stay still and i can never take my mind off of my fucking self and i am obsessing and fretting and horrified and diseased and there's a monster you cannot see and i know he knows theres a better lap somewhere so he'll never stay vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvcccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccx v
unless he's published somewhere

it wasn't nice bc he bit me
i don't know what i expect

i relly cant tell if yall condone this or not. but i know there's something special about sitting alone in the dark. i don't want it to be this poison that it takes to get me there. every time i feel it i dont think i'll last the year

the thing is i know there's too many messages. i don't shut myself away from them often enough. this is almost your only time to reach me. you send signs. sometimes i see them and sometimes i'm resistant. sometimes i experience the things they call "adhd" or "gad" or "ptsd" and the message dissipates. i wantedc it i wanted to hear it i wanted to see it i'm trying i'm trying. oh am i trying????
there are so many messages coming at me, and i really do want to hear them, i want to hear everything, feel everything, i want it all. I WANT I TALL. i'm listening i'm trying. i'm never going to be good enoug listener OH RIGHT ALSO I'M ALWAYS TALKING OVER PEOPLE EVEN WHEN I DONT MEAN TO. what do i do what do i do what do i do.
the question i sdo i really need another
how long do i sit witht his
okay i;m turing off teh msuc

iit's a song i love but it isn't appropriate right now.

i'm ready though
the amazing train
its always voice singing to our memphis night
to our track south night
it might be singing get out but we hear a lullaby
i've never heard anything else like those tones
those tones
like nothing else
those tones

i get this feeling like
someone some littel fool is dancing on top of my head and i can't see or feel them
i get this feeling like everything is a joke
what a mess what a mess


is the train just saying go to bed??


did the train ever really mean thiat??

the train say syes jnow.

yes in response.
i don't know if i'm ready for that to happen.

and when youve scared yourself
and when youve scared yourselvef youre scared the others around you

and youve broken thee clown rules
and you've broken the rules
and now you have to say
you're welcome
because it's against the rules to say i'm sorry

and sometimes you feel so loud and you take up too much space and you want to drown
and sometimes you feel like a nothiness thing that could probably stop existing at any moment as long as enough people don't see you at once
and you're going and you're gone and you're fading and you're on and you don't know where to be except ohohohohohover on the outskirts on the edge like a cheese ball like a racket like a noise club like a sunday jacket like a hag gone ragged like yr
help okay\


are you mad at me for this
AM I MAD AT ME FOR THIS
are you mad at
AM I MAD AT
how can i
HOW COULD YOU
how can i heal this bone cold sickness
without a walk in the woods

the cord will talk to itself for eternity, we dont have to worry about it
these machines will speak and gossip just all of forever don't worry

why
why
why can't i write any damn thing without worrying about its future
katherine is sweet to tell me i'm good at being in the valley of despair
but maybe i've spent so long here that i've gone bananas
at some point the creative energy has to flow out
you have to make a thing or start over
i don't know what i've done
i dont know what i've said
i messed up when i got the beer
insteaf of going to bed

i dont konw how to stop
i dont know when to end
i dont know what to do when i hear that tarin a'comin round the bend

and i did a lotta cocaine
just kidding
thanks johnny
i just did a baby
oh what!
no
it was far less
far far less
than the weight of a baby
misicule in comparison
why did i ever say such nonsense

i hear the train a cmoin
it's comin round the bend
i hear the cars and think of bars
where they might've been and
i dont know how to be there
or how to empathize
at least not for a single
i live that 12 pack life
the more i think about it
good fuxking luck diagnosing me
i know i have tendencies in whatever symptom direction you wanna say
but how're you plannin to parse this ?shit
listen
i mean
it's not like y'all didn't try yr best
but HA how i get a different acronym for every different day i come in

it's funny haha like
i receive the diagnosis - oh yes it's chemical, it's hereditary -
and i can start to draw the line all the way back, sure
it can make sense any way you look at it
if you want it to



first of all
i chain smoke in the car
bc i don't wanna go in and out of the house.
it's not my house. i'm paranoid. i try to play quiet mouse.
sometimes tomorrow i'm so sure of my failure, my not good enough ness, my LIAR LIAR tries, surely they know and they hate it and me and there's so many secrets in this family
so i hide in my cave and i cry to my phone and the day is a waste in a trap of my own
bc fuxking of course when i finally come out
there's nothing that's changed or charged, there's no doubt
that i'm doing the best that i possibly can with all that i have which is mostly
nine books' worth of psycho prophesying
a list of letters that scramble and giggle to me

listen
look
i can see
now i know i have adhd
and those of us with this thing
have a habit of interrupting
oh
is that why my whole family shouts and sings ?
is that why our language comes out in screams ?
how we talk with each other like birds in a roost
constant, in & under, our southern mouths loose
and now that i'm out in a public environment
i'm told it's a symptom of the disease i inhabit
and oh
and oops
and duck
and
and
and
and it's true that it's happening when i don't want it to
it's true that i'm listening but my words want in too
and i swear they're only there because i think i'm only responding
not that i'm interrupting or not listening to you talking
where i come from we're talking sitting around the roost
we're yelling and we're laughing and our tongues are wagging loose
there's no such thing as silent circles or crowds to praise you alone
if it ain't loud, i don't want it
i need ravens in the home

it's not entirely true but it sure does make a good story. i'm trying to say. i'm trying to say i don't mean to be mean when i interrupt.
i see how it throws you and it makes me quake.
i see how it can feel jarring and abrupt to be what you think is cut off
or challenged or bones or piece of hide when someone's saying stuff
as you tell your story or the version that's only allowed when your audience is boring

i know
we know who you think we are

wait wait wait
no
that's not it
this was supposed to be an apology
gravy i can't believe it's already 3
but i gotta keep going
and i don't believe in morning
unless it's dark and no one comes calling



i like the sneak i like the hunt i like to creep i like to haunt