Sunday, November 30, 2014

step away from my light, i need shine

always you want me to forget, try to make me. I just want to talk, I have really good ideas. I believe we could write! I believe you have the vision and I have the craft! or maybe the other way around, we'll have to work out the details. but don't you want to see?? why not even try?

and so I should be done after all this. how many times I put it forward.

you are not the whipping girl unless you want to be. I feel you beg for a reaction, the one you've gotten before. I feel like I'm the creep but I know you know the game. so maybe sometimes I tickle too much and go too far. I don't mean any harm. I want the cuddles and the laughs and the silly. yes the vulnerable. and this is all you'll give me- a little bit of soft skin here and there. but it's not your tummy I really want; it's your heart. if I can find the soft parts maybe you will open up and talk to me. but always you leave, or never start.

tomorrow is a new day, as always. but tomorrow I'm moving and really things will change. I've promised Gracie Lou it will be just us two girls, and I meant it. I'm really cutting this out, unless you don't consent it: truth, honor, trust, compassion. I require so little. I have made do with giggle cuddle coffee time but I don't need it anymore. it all hurts too much without the rest.

you don't want me to cook brunch with you, you can't put me to the test.

I'm bigger I'm better I'm more than you will ever know. I have to make it so.

I am not so cruel.
not as you, not as you think.
but maybe as desperate.


yr failure is not what I want but I'm afraid of its certainty. I need you to talk and ACT and get it together before the worst thing happens. I don't want you on the street or worse. you say you don't need this house? you don't need the safety net? I would love for you to fly from here but I don't see how. not now. maybe your debt is invisible to you, maybe that's my fault. if you don't need us then go on. we want only the best.


what do you want, when you do and when you don't?  
is it just a niceness of your debt, to keep afloat?

if you are the whipping girl, then maybe I'm at fault. 
you joke and pose so pretty: your sugar makes me salt.

you juggle up to jester, and want rounds for the fall. 
you'll never say you dropped one, unless we can recall.

if you are the whipping girl, then what have we done wrong? 
we fell into a dance you threw and got lost in its song.

I know you want attention, kitty, just let me pet your throat. 
be calm and still and open up, and sing before you choke.

if you are the whipping girl, then I've confused the past. 
tell me what it said to you and make the new one last.

after nights when I give up, you call me in the morning: 
meow. meow. meow. the constant caterwauling.

Saturday, October 04, 2014

is that your glass heart clinking?

if I tend to write only when I'm alone, then I'm never gonna write anything again living in this damn co-op. sometimes in the shower or in the car, I have ideas, but there's so much jumbled into my head immediately stepping out of those places and into this confusion called my home. generally I really like living here, the hustle and bustle, interacting with so many different people on a daily basis, priding myself on figuring out these puzzles, these people, and getting them to talk. HA! it's true, I won't deny there's a little bit of skill there. but at the end of the day, who makes me talk? who wants to know my ins and outs, downs and ups, tos and fros? none of these people can read my subtle signals, though a couple can see the larger signs-- when I'm drinking more than enough, when I'm overly critical of something small, when I've been hiding in my room for days. and if and when they see it, it's so easy to run away, don't worry, it's nothing, I'm fine, I'll be in my room with the pillow and the cat. they leave me alone like I want them to. but you know better-- you understand the chase. you know the chase as well as I do. I'm practicing a small pursuit on all these people every day, how can they not understand? but they don't want to work on a puzzle, or find that the end reward is no good thing. I try so hard so often to be easy, kind, generous, considerate, patient, amusing, good. I try too much, I unwind the web so smooth, make it all gentle, and they don't see the handiwork. do you know how I am a new creature for every person? how I will mold to fit and nestle in your comfort zone? is it so well done that no one cares enough to talk when I've hit bottom? but this is not new, even though the place and people are. I insist on distancing myself (and my truth, and my heart, and my hurt) from even my friends, then I'm dead and dumb when they can't connect. did I make it one way? I'm convinced it's that they never ask, never ask right, don't really want to know, rather than that I am a closed door with impossible locks. they think animal rescue is my life's work and that I love cats maybe because they're cute or because I'm so good and selfless or because I'm a future hoarder of more than paper. they don't know that I love cats because I hate myself.
why does the truth always sound so dumb?


listening to: xiu xiu - ale

Wednesday, August 06, 2014

nap dream

brother cats (r9 litter??) ok my dream

there are kids playing a game that seems like they're taking very seriously. everyone acts upset and weird when they "come back" and the chip they win is the wrong color.  they are actually disaplearing into an alternate world disguise as a tv show when they play ??? they're teying to hint at something but i can't digure it out.

board game and tv. they are playing at the board, they disappear, I'm watching a tv show that is really the game -- it's set up and then their solutions. i dont realize that it's not a game at all, but an urgent quest which is why they take it so seriously.

there's a group or three or four creeper dudes that keep showing up whenever the game is going on, or right near the end. they are talking about a house vote thats gonna happen or some sort of big decision. a type of "learning" or discipline or religion??? that they want to establish in the coop. i make a skeptical or negative comment and they react strangely-- calm and somewhat logical, asking so many questions and calling me a close minded business very nicely. their coldness creeps me out every time.

i am figuring out that something strange is going on but i don't know what or how to fix it. i need to talk to Ian or somebody but where ?? i ask her to come outside and she completely pounces. we start hardcore making out on the ground, shes got my shirt pushed up and were tearing at each other. I've forgotten what I came here to tell her, it's all encompassing and wonderful. suddenly there's laylee telling us that the whole coop can see us and we need to het out of there. i feel like i see the creeper dudes pale faces judging me through the window. when we get inside somehow its too late, I've missed the window to talk and now everyone's here again.

going to the theatre to pick up the kids from their show/game and its raining, they're not there, the parking lot is empty except for one car with the doors open. (or the shell if a car, a double open hooded two seat.) i walk up and find a terrified kitten sitting there on the seat, hissing and spittig and so afraid. i realize its a cat i know, Reginald, and i call him by name, wrap him up and take him home with me. bit he's not acting like himself, and where are his brothers and sisters i took to the show? i being him home and he immediately hides under a bench where another brother, tiny rajan, instantly hisses, and i think they don't recognize each other. slowly somehow the clues (there must've been more clues) come together and i realize this is not the cat i think it is, but some other brother, new, and everyone else is stuck somewhere. he starts to yowl as then actually begins speaking, mentions that rajan had a sore on his  tongue -- that's why he hissed! to show the ulcer that is not truly an ulcer but a scary magic bad thing. The lead creep is showing interest in me and this cat sufdenly and he doesn't know that he shouldn't speak. i grab him up and start walking briskly out the door, talking with him since he doesn't know to stop and this creep wants him for who knows what. i dont know where to go thats safe. i walk into my parents room but they're clumping around leaving on a trip. I'm looking for Ian and calling her nme but i can't find her. panic panic i Abe no idea how I will save the cats and not let the coop kingdom fall.


then the damn dinner bell rings. even after waking up i still have a sense of urgency, of going back to the world, of figuring it out.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Austra concerts -- at least two or three. We meet them outside the stage door in the first. In the second I am confident -- volunteer or improvize? Dancing witching every audience member -- sprinkling magic on their heads.. are they sitting down? It's weirdly calm. Somehow Brian is the most important -- the top of his head is shaved, only in the front, and green dye on the sides. Heavy eyeliner and super magic. We talk and something important happens. Third concert, somehow I miss the end. Do I fall asleep? Am I called outside by something else? All this part of the dream looks dark but feels light, good. Sparkly.

another dream working in the cattery, but there are many people who work with me. someone is missing one day and i wonder what is going on. he is the son of important people. maybe not king and queen but the equivalent? he gets blamed for a wet towel that i know is my fault but i don't say anything and then feel horribly guilty when he is gone the next day. then he comes back, quiet and reserved, having seen more harm than good.
Wendy is the queen.
someone dies or disappears in their dorm/apartment. young, tragic, horrible, a warning. we all have to be more careful.
a movie -- do i actually watch it or just know about it? bizarrre sexual undertones (or overtones) and i'm drawn to it and freaked out at the same time. another stage door area -- a man is standing at the top of the steps in an open doorway and the (hopeful?) cast is crowding around for the meeting. the part of Frog Man is obvious. what am i doing there, though?
mainly i have been an observer up to now, but strange things start happening that indicate i'm being pulled towards center. a man driving by craning to see me, with a picture of my granny taped to his sun visor.
someone gives me a locket? somehow i have a secret locket. it is not easy to open but when i do, i see two faces that are really important. i don't remember why. is one me?
someone teaches me how to get free quarters from the vending machine by putting in bottle caps and then pushing the change return button. i get $8 in quarters and i'm walking away when they all swoop in and whisk me away to a secret meeting in their lair.
wendy is the leader. the others are some people i recognize -- the boy from work at the cattery, and his brother, and some other people who i thought were strangers that have apparently been following me. we are laying out the plan. wendy introduces me as the newest member of the team. later in private, she indicates that the whole team is actually my protection -- they just don't know it yet. i am the target but i don't know why. i show her the locket but the pictures are gone. it doesn't matter -- she knew the faces anyway. she has set the wheels in motion and we're on the way. somehow i feel safer now than i did before i knew i was in danger.
there is some question with the boy from the cattery. he evades directly answering his parents and shuffles around. his brother and i are sitting separately, secret smiles and twinkling eyes. i tell him what i know: he was gone from the cattery right before that girl was killed. of course he's not hte killer but we know he knew her. the brother jumps in to add this information to the slough of accusations, without revealing that i provided this information, and i am grateful. i feel guilty again, but i also feel that somehow i'm helping him -- i want him to be safe.
i'm seeing weird sexual tensions of all kinds. trying to be a matchmaker?

I wake up from this dream a number of times, but I'm able to ease back in. I sleep until 1 in the afternoon because I don't want it to end. In writing it looks like a stressful dream, but the having it was really beautiful and calm. Everything felt right somehow -- everything was going in the right direction, I was on the right path. The last time I go back to sleep I think I'm still half awake and maybe making up some of the story, rather than genuinely dreaming it all. But that felt great too and the worst part was waking up and not being able to remember it all. This dream would be a really wonderful story if it weren't now full of holes. I wish I could imagine these sorts of things while I'm awake. I want to write it all.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

a note under a door

we are not easy, but sometimes it feels that way.
i, especially, am a great pretender.
sam thanked me for my warmth and kindess but
russ saw the demon in my right eye, the beast
let loose by the queer bomb. now there's no
looking back. i wanted to crack each shell so
slowly that its inhabitant would hardly notice
till they found themselves blinking at the sun.
i wanted to draw each one out, and in turn, be
drawn out myself. it's not easy; i am not what
i seem. sometimes i have let too much loose
without being asked, without coaxing and without
protection. how much i want to be the little
new chick in the spring sun. but instead, just
the worm. it's hard to remember to stay under
ground. i don't want to hurt, but do, and have
done. and so i remember, and so i can't stay,
but you'll see i leave a line open, just in case,
for the brave. sometimes it will be easy, and
sometimes it will not. sometimes it only gets
worse. but if i wait here, on the surface, i
will get burned, a sidewalk worm. it would be
easy. maybe i'll fry.
on the other hand, there is this egg with a cool
hard shell. (inside, there is a light and a warmth,
i know.) i would love to be there when you
hatch, but the worm does not want to be 
the swan's first meal, but can see no other way,
not from the surface. and so here is this line,
these lines, and that's it. forget, or do as
you see fit. we can't do it for you.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

NO ONE likes a depressive, despite what they tell you.  no one wants to hear about your trouble feelings, so don't say anything. you can write it down and talk to the cat. no one wants to hear how you cried when you dropped the syringes, cried doing laundry, cried for no reason except: this is the true you, wading through the sick sludge of sadness, unable to laugh or eat, cannot pretend. the fine line between the pill and the promise, the place where you will find your ultimate self and death.
retreat.
retreat.
retreat.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

1. I hate myself.
2. I self destruct with smokes and whisky. 
3. I have a problem with overdoing it. 
4. I get so gone that people are forced to take care of me. 
5. I'm lonely. I forget. 
6. I fall into the pattern of getting carried away. 
7. I hate myself. 

Thursday, January 30, 2014

birthday song

you grow older and older and older
you grow older and older and older
but you still don't grow up
you can't act like an adult
you just get older and older

you grow older and older and older
you need the heat the fire and the whiskey
you live in extremes
you need to be on the scene
you just get older and older

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

the new year requires fire and a kiss, I combined them. the ball of rum roams the room. the heating pad flat to my stomach and the tent honing its call, a bubble of pillows. my first new year away from home. unbelievable, and unremarkable. really actually alone. watch the rum roll. the ball drops on its own.

Friday, November 29, 2013

people only want me for the element of spectacle. I am eager to give and entertain and draw them out but it drains. sometimes I'm not getting anything back.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

i need to relax and listen to more groovy music and old boogie and i think that will help. i want to shave half my head and wear a cap and pants. jean jacket style. calm it down but still fun. to entertain and boggle. CAN I BE A CLOWN YET?

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

a vivid morning dream, when you almost feel awake and present in the floating. 

I'm being punished or maybe otherwise institutionalized. I'm locked into one of the cat cages from work and I can't sleep all night on the cold metal floor. 

i don't have words to explain this: a woman wants to ride around on a giant steamroller. it's luxurious and she's 30 feet off the ground. not driving, just sitting in the open air and waving and being on top. 

I'm escorted back into the cattery and someone is being pinned to the floor, getting a giant needle stabbed into their ass. the guard tells me I'm next. up to this point, I've been uncooperative but here I see my chance. I tell him I'll take the drugs without fighting, so they give me painkillers and the pills dissolve in my mouth before I can swallow them down with water. 

Since I've "decided to be good" they're gonna move me to a different cell. I'm marched through a sinister and deeply rich maze of strange objects like a carnival. huge images hang from the ceiling: a massive burger and fries, a Maurice Sendak style king's face. The colors are pale and dark and I say nothing. 

As we weave between the disheveled buildings and the shanty shacks, I am able to get away from my escort for brief moments. I'm opening every door I can find without making a scene. Filthy hairy prisoners quietly creep free and disappear into the darkness. 

I'm moved into a bigger enclosure. Is this jail for cats and humans? From my cell I can see a kitten (again in a group room from the cattery) and a woman asking questions about him. She's afraid he will be "uncontrollable" since he isn't neutered yet. (are we cats or people?)

Morgan comes to visit. She has lost a tooth and in its place, a whole new set of tiny teeth is growing in. It looks like a kitten's teeth inside her normal mouth. I tell her something isn't right. 

I'm plotting my escape. 


Monday, November 11, 2013

i read your letter

and i felt only emptiness. you can't get back what you broke. i've tried, but i don't know how to make you understand that. i'm glad that you are happy, but i have nothing for you. sometimes i miss you but i know i'm missing something that doesn't exist anymore. some days i can smile at those memories; others i'm just hurt and heartbroken. i can't forgive you if you can't understand what happened. you threw out our friendship and you don't deserve it back. i am more than you ever knew, than you will ever know.

Thursday, November 07, 2013

the last few days have been some of the most intense ups and downs in the history of my life, no joke.

thursday morning (halloween) was minerva's tail amputation and spay surgery, which they decided to do even though she'd been sneezing a bit. normally, sick babies don't get surgery, but they said her tail just had to come off, and we couldn't wait any longer. holly kept catching me peeking through the window of the operating room, trying to catch a glimpse of my baby on my way to the coffee machine. finally i asked her to let me know how it went, and holly promised she'd let me know. back in the cattery, trish showed up to pick up kittens for brodie petco, and luckily she was not in a rush, so she held cats and we talked while i checked everybody's med records and tried to figure out who to send. holly popped in to tell me that they were about to start minerva's surgery, and i literally dropped everything and ran to the OR window to watch. holly let me come into the room and told me not to touch or breathe on or even look at the stand of surgical instruments at the foot of the operating table. i was so anxious and upset to see my baby gone under - her tongue hanging out and pinched by tongs, her eyes half open and glossy, breath slow and soft. she should always be talking, hopping, purring, so as excited as i was for her, it was hard not to feel upset seeing her like that. the doctor was not someone i've ever met before. maybe it was dr jefferson, the head of APA, who i am always hearing about but never seeing. at any rate, she didn't say hi to me or make eye contact, so i'm afraid my presence bothered her. i walked down to wendy's office to ask her a quick question and then let mer know that the surgery was about to start, so she ran back to watch through the window with me. since minerva's tail was broken in several places, they started by just cutting off the bulk of it with scissors. wendy was horrified, and i was fascinated, and so happy that she'd finally be rid of that dead thing. we were kinda squealing, and holly had to tell us to shut up, which i now feel terrible about... i didn't know they could really hear us through the glass! holly brought out the severed tail and let me hold it. it didn't feel how i expected - it was like a furry finger, stiff, but the fur was like a case that could be slid up and down around the hard bone. i freaked out, loving it, getting minerva's blood on my hands, immediately wishing i'd taken a picture.

the day proceeded to turn into a giant mass of sickness, with 20 cats needing medicine, in addition to the already sick guys, the possible calicivirus cats, and three or four babies needing to be force fed. sandy started puking up orange foam and i freaked out that he had eaten a toy and moved him to a single and took away his food. i was running back to the clinic for the zillionth time that afternoon when i finally asked how minerva was doing -- anthony told me she was awake and doing well, just really drunk from all the painkillers and tranquilizers. i asked if i could bring her back to cattery, and they said sure. she was probably tripping hard when i took her out of the clinic kennel; she kept scooting away when i tried to pick her up. but when i got her back in her regular bluebox, she let me pet her and purred away. she was mostly her usual ridiculous self, although she was stumbling around and her eyes looked wet and weepy. i set her up with her snuggiedisc and a warm bowl of fancy feast, which she devoured while perching on the warm disc. when the transport person showed up to take her to foster, it was so hard for me to let her go. i got steve to take our picture before kissing her head and saying goodbye.

i ended up working till almost midnight, with all the sick babies and force feeding. i was so exhausted, i involuntarily stopped at a taco bell on my way home. for real, my body just took over and pulled into the drive-thru. at home, i made a list but was too tired to pack and just passed out on top of my laundry.

on friday. i woke up at 8:30 to pack, but i'm a slow-poke and i didn't have time to take a shower or eat or buy coffee for amy like i said i would, especially because she convinced me i needed to be there an hour before my plane took off. she drove me in my own car to the airport because i didn't know how to get there. watching her drive away in my car was like going through a portal - my regular life had left me behind.

after going through security, i found a coffee stand and bought a bagel and latte. why can't i seem to remember that i HATE lattes?!?! never again. over breakfast, i typed some hurried notes for laylee about the cats - i usually try to do this the night before, but i was just too exhausted and there were too many. so i'm hunched over my bagel and phone, and who should walk up but DAN who had actually told me he was flying to his hometown in mexico today for a wedding. of course! i never imagined i'd see him here, and it was pretty awkward. i didn't stand up and he didn't sit down. what do you say to someone who you haven't seen since your drunken cuddle party sleepover two weeks ago? "have fun at the wedding." he isn't so attractive in the harsh airport light, and he looks exhausted and ill. almost grey. i know he's gotta be thinking the same thing about me.

i boarded the plane next to last, and before we took off, i remembered laylee's family tradition: before traveling, take a moment to sit and close your eyes and think of all the people you love and visualize a safe journey. laylee said, "i guess it's like praying, but not."

on the plane, i sat next to a 60-something-year-old woman from Indianapolis who had been in austin for her friend's daughter's wedding. it was Downtown Abbey / Edgar Allen Poe themed, and this lady thought it was gonna be a joke, but it was actually one of the most beautiful, "impressive" weddings she had ever been to. "I'm conservative, and I was expecting it to be a joke, but this was just impressive." so old people can still be surprised, can still change their minds. another instance of me relating more to old people than to people my age, these days. and how weird it is that old people are just as confused and stumbling as me -- it doesn't get better, it doesn't make more sense with age. as the plane lands, she weasels it out of me that i'm going home for the film fest. "Be proud of yourself! This is a huge accomplishment!" okay, i'll try. "No, do! Like Yoda said, "Don't try. Do!" this makes me smile and i think she might be right.

brett has agreed to pick me up from the airport, but for some reason we can't find each other. i forget which way is out -- this airport is so weirdly small and dinky, but none of the signage makes sense and i can't figure out where i'm going, and i'm so anxious to get out of there, i just keep turning around and around. i go down the escalator, and he isn't there, so i go back up, and finally find him. the moment is a little odd, as moments in way stations often are. he seems excited to see me, but also surprised (do i look different?) and a little unsure of himself. in true brett fashion, the first thing he does is take a stop at the wiz palace. of course. on the way out, i see the Flyer in its little dispenser and i have to stop and get a copy. even though i already knew we had the cover, it's still mindblowing and surreal to see it right in front of me, in the box with a hundred other copies, sitting here in the memphis international airport. no fucking way.

so we decide to go to lunch, but first brett has to check the blu-ray of the movie at morgan fox's house, and while we're at it, i'll charge my phone for a few minutes. declan opens the door and is certainly surprised to see us, but seems happy nonetheless. we give and get big hugs, and hang out on the couch with delvy. eileen has just gotten dressed and says hello for a minute before cole wheeler shows up and they disappear. mfox gets home too and it's a real memphis reunion. it comes out that craig brewer's "secret screening" is at the same time as Concrete, and this really pisses me off. there are so few hometowner features this year -- why would they put two of them at the same time?? morgan says that craig was pissed about it too, and asked the festival director to change the times, but he said it was too late and the schedule had already been published. i'm really annoyed, but morgan assures me that the audiences are different, that it won't hurt our screening, that we're gonna sell out anyway. i'm especially upset because the movie actually looks interesting, since it's a documentary about the memphis chapter of the black panthers and actually has nothing to do with nasty ole craig brewer.

brett and i piddle for a hundred years before we finally decide to go to kwik check for sandwiches. the stoner MCA student forgets my order and only makes us one sandwich, which i convince brett to split. leila stops by our table and says hi, hello, congratulations on the movie, etc. unfortunately she can't come because she's already told one of the Invaders folks that she'd be their date. we eat our sad cheese sandwich until morgan calls and says she's just gotten off work, and she needs to do some things at home, but she'll meet us in midtown soon. me and b make our way to playhouse, where we find free beer, friends, and film freaks milling around being awkward. we make sure we've strewn our postcards all over creation, and someone maybe even asks us about the film. we sit on weird chairs made out of tires. i kind of love them even though there's metal poking into your back if you lean at all. chris has a hug for us, and craig brewer even has kind things to say about the film. he promises to give me something (a shirt or dvd, perhaps?) but we never see it. when he asks what we're up to, i make sure to get brett going on his movie, which he immediately regrets, although i think he has the speech pretty down by now. even if the elevator pitch is still 100 words strung together -- it's the truth.

we head to my parents' house to pick up morgan and make the rounds. as usual, the dogs are freaking out and so happy to see us, and willikers makes something of an appearance, as well. we end up sitting in the den for way longer than brett is clearly comfortable, and eventually he drags morgan and me to a movie that's almost over, just to get us out of there. but it was so nice to sit at home and feel so cozy and chat with the rents about who knows what. goodbye to my kitty, goodbye to everyone.

we arrive for the third act of the movie -- a heartfelt comedy about gamer nerds -- and it's not half bad. it gets some chucks from our little corner of the theater, where ben siler has joined us after we come in way late. after the film, we stand around on the street corner while morgan stresses out about bekka and how to get her to find us. i am really looking forward to seeing her and trying to get morgan to give directions that make sense. she's so anxious that bekka won't be able to get into the filmmaker VIP party at the local, but i assure her that it will be a piece of cake. why so anxious, morgan??? what can i do for her??

Sunday, October 27, 2013

every day i nearly die, and so do you, and so do you.

when i got to work, the whole APA parking lot was full because of all the games going on. saturday sucks. i shot death glares at every man, woman, and child on the stupid soccer field, plus the baseball diamond. i sure do hate children a lot these days.... but so does everyone i work with, so that's awesome.


[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[finish this later]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

sometimes, in the distance, I see beasts. 

Monday, October 21, 2013

i tried to go to sleep at 12:30 tonight and haven't had any luck. last night i got home from work at 12:30, ate a piece of alfredo pizza from papa john's, had a glass of wine, took a benadryl, and went to bed around 2. i woke up at 3:30 in the afternoon then went to a potluck party on a farm. i had yummy veggies and macaroni and lots of good beer. i got too much food and had to throw it in the woods because they had taken away the trash can by the time we left. i am sad that i didn't get to eat my hardboiled egg, but i hope a possum finds it. i wish i could sleep. i took a half a bendadryl around 5 so hopefully it will kick in soon. i wonder if my pills are keeping me awake or if it's caffeine or anxiety or what. i've just been thinking about the cats all night. and itching itching itching. i need to find out if kelly got itchy when she was staying here. i just keep thinking that it's somehow self-contained and as usual my body is a mutiny and maybe it has to do with being a mutant. next week i have an appointment to find out whether i am eligible for sliding scale health services and then maybe i can afford to go to a dermatologist. my body feels like it's breaking down entirely. i hate doctors but i don't know what else to do. i feel guilty that i haven't taken my cat to the doctor in so long. i should make him a doctor appointment while i'm in memphis for the film festival. i feel like the worst cat mama ever. i wonder if i can bring him back with me on the plane. i miss him but i still don't know where i'll be living next month. everything feels so up in the air and impermanent and sliding and i don't like it. not that things are bad in general. i do like my job, but i need to learn not to work too much. i might have a date with a lady tomorrow. i have never been on a date, so i don't know if this is one. i might be too scared to show up. i might go to a show with a band from memphis and get drunk instead. i might go get the kitten with the broken tail and bring her to my room. i wanted to bring home jekyll but i couldn't when kelly and dill were staying here. i was going to bring her home on wednesday but laylee gave her to another foster and i will never see her again. i'm sad but i shouldn't be. story of my life. tomorrow maybe i'll get minerva and maybe won't be so lonely. maybe soon i'll fall asleep.

Monday, September 30, 2013

i hope my thoughts don't pierce your dreams

just saw Walt play and felt all the feelings. i didn't get to talk with him much, but the set really overwhelmed me. the music lost and found me and took me back to new orleans days and made me think of so many friends, so far or so gone. and here i am, tied up by my own lonesome leash.


listening to: 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

"Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace is transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender."
tonight, walking back with the groceries, i thought of this quote, in the parking lot between the car and the door. i was thinking, “i cannot be happy. i have tried and failed too many times, it hurts too much, i give up on happiness,” and the resignation was such sweet relief, and it was so familiar, having thought this so many times, and i want to just feel nothing but that feeling, that empty low that owes nothing, that hollow in between the trying. and i thought of this quote, and i felt so calm, and of course reading it here now, it seemed better in my mind, though i couldn’t quite say just what is missing. and that rather neatly drives the whole thing home, doesnt it, though i hate to point it out.
remembered this quote tonight, walking from my car to the apartment, desperately hoping that the grocery bag wouldn't break. that would have just been the last straw. (i wonder what really would be the last straw, at this point.) thinking: i want to go home, but there is no home. i want to be somewhere else, do something else, but it won't help. i want to be happy, but i don't know how. i'm not capable. i have known this for a long time, but remembering my resignation tonight with the groceries, i felt such a burden lifted, and i remembered this quote. i don't want to jinx it, but so far it seems to help. or maybe it's just really late. today was terrible. this week was terrible. every time i see a bit of silver lining, or have a little moment to smile, it all goes black again. i am overwhelmed and undone by everything. it's leaking out now, without my choosing. laylee had to see me cry tonight and i felt like such a pathetic baby; i didn't want her to know. coffee, brett phone call, egg in a basket, car phone calls, craigslist, nothingness, shower, getting off x3, hash stash chills, look for place to live, couch on the car, hit the other car, crying, grocery, beer, tv, sleep. why i cling to other people: i have nothing to live for on my own. why i stay up so late: i'm allowed to be in my own world, a nothing place.