whining and pining is wrong

this morning i scheduled my first job interview since my last one a month ago at the humane society. just a minute ago, i called back and canceled it.
i'm still depressed about the humane society not calling me back, but i have decided that this is the week to get over it. i almost applied to starbucks a couple days ago and realized that i need to GET REAL.
part of me wants to catch up on here and write about everything that's been going on, but in some ways it doesn't really seem worth remembering. for instance, i embarrassed the life out of myself on friday night, and now i wonder why i ever leave the house. i need some new hobbies. pbrs and music tagging aren't cutting it. but did they ever?
yesterday my parents found cosmo in their bed gnawing on a baby turtle. the top front of its shell was bleeding, and i cupped the turt in my hands while mom dabbed at the wounds with betadine. then we made a house out of a big plastic storage container and a feast of tomatoes, grapes, collards, mushrooms, and the rest of the schnuck's produce aisle. although seemingly healthy and doing fine, turt won't eat and seems pretty stressed. the vet says just to let em back into the wild, i.e. the backyard, but now it looks like there's more blood and i'm afraid.
also morgan is here for fall break. hurray for fall break! finally fall.
now i'm going to the pho hoa binh buffet YAYAYAY

listening to: the magnetic fields - busby berkeley dreams

me: yr always running me off

Jerel: well
I don't know what to do
I'll feel bad either way
but one is more in your interests than mine so I go with that one

just discovered that i can look at statistics about who reads this blog, and i realized it isn't only me... most of my readers use windows..?!
i know you are out there, and you better start commenting.

can you see the means without the end in the random frantic action

violent dream. beat up (or maybe just verbally abused?) brandon's girlfriend, then went to someone's house where i got shot, then went off and proceeded to slice up my own tongue.
last night i just sat at home after my horrible day and moped by myself. i ended up hanging out with my parents, who were watching wonderfalls and drinking dad's beer of the month club beer. more correctly, my dad drank the whole huge 9.3% bottle by himself, except for the half glass i snatched for myself. i got jealous and started drinking white russians. we proceeded to get more ridiculous until we were all talking to the tv and dad could hardly follow the show. brock appeared suddenly while we were standing in the backyard pointing mom's ipad at the invisible stars. it almost feels like true fall...
blah blah blah. in the end, i was up till 6am yet again. and cutting my own hair, which looks awful. i need something

listening to: amanda palmer - astronaut

don't you go

just cut my hair for the first time. woahahhhwoah

listening to: the dodos - it's that time again

can't control thoughts of things i needed

yesterday laylee showed me this cragislist ad for a vague but cool sounding kennel assistant/dog walking thing:

Dog walkers/helpers, full-time & Part time . This will be at a kennel/rescue. Behaviorist helper and kennel helper are the positions avail. Flex hours and good pay ($12+/hour depending on job and your experience). Reply back if interested.

so of course i replied to it because i respond to ALL the vet/animal rescue ads, and around noon today i got a reponse! i was SOOOOOO EXCITED and pranced around the house and felt better htan i've felt in forever and just basked in the idea of doing rescue work. the crazy thing was that i had JUST been talking to my mom about wanting to do this kind of thing, and she was so excited for me too and saying "it's fate!" everything felt beautiful. katherine arrived and we watched the latest version of our movie trailer, and it just felt perfect. my parents both loved it and laughed in all the right places. then while katherine went to pick up her new guitar from the store, i wrote a gushy reply to the PAWS guy about how excited i was to be given this opportunity, animals are the light of my life, etc etc etc.
but THEN. i clicked the link in the email where i was supposed to fill out a questionare and upload my resume. it was then that i realized the whole thing was a scam. everything fell to pieces, i'm no longer floating around, and i remember what a cruel and horrible thing reality is. if this WAS fate, i obviously needed a reminder that people are evil and things never just work out like they should.
fuck it all.
plus now we're having a trailer crisis as well. please watch it and let us know if it makes any sense or is good. leave feedback in the comments.

listening to: hop along, queen ansleis - bruno is orange

broken glass as far as we could see

worst beans and rice ever. what is wrong with me??? actually i will just blame these possibly frigerator-burned beans and butterless instant rices.
getting ready to go out with ada. but where to? probably one of the midtown dives we've been frequenting this summer... probably the lamplighter.
i put hot sauce on this beans and rice but it is still kinda inedible. time for a bunch of corn on the cob, i guess.

listening to: hop along - coney island

click clack moo

i just found out that my typing speed is 105 words per minute... surely the university of memphis will want me for their secretary!

things look better in the morning light

i really hate that i can't sleep right now. i just took a benadryl to help me out... why can't i ever sleep when i really need to?
last night after our jib shoot i picked up py from the train station a bit after 10. we hung out with john tom and co. on his last night in town until about 3, then stayed up talking and drinking in my yard until 9am or something stupid like that. we slept until 3:20 which is insane because i missed like 3092572 phone calls-- i NEVER sleep through phone calls so i guess i was really passed out. seeing py was amazingmazingmazing, and i really hope he'll be back in a month like he says. his gf is going to school in nashville now, so maybe i'll get to see him regularly for a while. what a great energy he brings to life... miss that boy.
i got some disappointing news from my dad today... looks like the public services division of the city of memphis government is being forced to make a fuck ton of budget cuts because of something that i don't understand that has to do with the memphis city schools and i don't even know. so basically a bunch of part-timers at the library are probably gonna lose their jobs, meaning that i am probably not gonna get hired by frayser and i have to start looking for something else. i can't even say how disappointed i am... goodbye, beautiful dream job. hello, ugly world.
i have been really bad about accomplishing goals this summer. i pretty much gotta get real. mostly i need to work on my time management skillz and actually doing what i say i'm gonna do. part of me wants to make a list of things on here to make this official, but i don't think i have the energy right now. for starters, let's just say i need an awesome veg nutrition/cookbook and a grocery list.
oh yeah you heard about the WIKI right?????

listening to: larkin grimm - little weeper

the lonely heart poetry droning in hearts becomes songs that all objects sing to each other

just decided to pause on the job search when i read "police chef" and thought it sounded like a great way to make money. although i'm not a very good cook, and i don't do the meat thing... still.
yes, i'm still looking for a job. yes, i turned down the offer from the property management company. i feel a bit weird about it still, but i really think i would have been doing a disservice to myself to stop looking at this point. it was my first offer, and i think i have other avenues to explore. as brett put it, "Secretary at Confederated Management is not the way to start your career as a genius." mostly he could say that because my dad had just turned up some dirt on them on the internet.

plus, i asked the runes. basically what i got is that i can't lose sight of the big picture and remember that i don't have to stick to a narrow path to reach my goals. taking that job would have lead me astray. i need to work on not settling and not being so dependent. i got really flustered about how impossible making this decision felt. now i feel a little more relaxed, remembering that not everything is under my control and these decisions are actually not so huge. and... well.
well you all know i love bugs, but this is just ridiculous. i'm afraid to count the number of them in my room right now. is it because i opened the window for a few minutes yesterday to lean out and pet cosmo's little floppy head? is it because there is apparently a huge hole in my wall with only a thin layer between me and the outside world? (no wonder winter is so cold.) or, is it because i am a fucking bug magnet and always will be? and my cats just lie here... it's really not a problem except when they decide to crawl around on the computer screen, which just confuses my eyeballs. well. except for roaches..... DEAR GOD. WAKE UP KITTIES.

listening to: akron/family - ed is a portal

your daydream ends like a kick in the chest

breakfast for dinner!! sweet potato hashbrowns! pancakes! mimosas!! we should do this more often. i dont know how the fam felt, but i LOVED IT. again!!
went to see the new our own voice show. it's the first one they've done based on a book, though not a fiction of course. bill wrote and directed, but there were lots of new faces... good actors. got to see linley, alden, and grayson. so crazy how much time has gone by since i met them. coming back to memphis always shocks me that way.
i stare at my gmail inbox all day, but i dont read half of what i get and i still havent answered all the important messages i've been putting off from the last 6 months -- or more? steve cohen's newsletter always makes me tear up. what's email for again?
i'm trying to get back into music, but it's really hard. everything feels mediocre. i think i miss books.

listening to: art sorority for girls - spaceship

the life bangs and sucks

this is the fifth day in a row that i've woken up after noon. and the last two days, i've had an alarm set! that means i've been sleeping between 9 and 10 hours every night. i mean, i know i racked up a lot of sleep debt over the last semester, but this is too much... i wonder if has something to do with the fact that i can't shake this damn cough? am i still sick or something? too bad my insurance got taken away BEFORE i even graduated.
had a whole series of weird dreams, which i promptly forgot because of the millions of times that my alarm went off... lots of stealthy escapes..
i gotta get real pretty soon. this is bad news. today i will finally work on my resume! it must be done!
but first i need a black bean burger.
starting now, summer is gonna be good.

listening to: vic chesnutt & kristin hersh - hungry

is that rumbling thunder or plumbing?

bad bad bad dream after a bad day. it seems silly to go into detail now that i'm here. why would i want to remember this?
not sure if i should feel so affected by a dream.... but i really feel like shit. don't really feel like doing the things i'd planned to do today.
shouldnt have stayed up till 5 on saturday. REALLY shouldnt have stayed up till 4 last night. i really need to get back on track somehow.
looks like a thunderstorm monday... maybe i'll stay inside.

the atmosphere unravelling till you receive my love

had a semi-beautiful dream in which i was in love with a boy who was also a pig. in fact, i think i was also a pig sometimes too. i was scared, but when we faced each other and he nibbled my ear, it was so gentle, hardly any pressure. when he raised his hoof, i expected roughness, but it was warm and soft and comforting. this moment lasted a long time, i'm not sure how it ended. but when we're talking later, he's so comfortable and i'm finding out more about him, like that he's part cherokee, and he nonchalantly mentions that he's an orphan but he doesn't seem damaged, and i fall in love with him so hard.
turns out that we were on some sort of huge road trip with a bunch of people and had made a stop at my granny's house. she was pretty overwhelmed by all the guests and kept saying strange things... can't think of any examples unfortunately.
there is some sort of recurring section where i'm trying to remember the name of the lecture tom is giving on saturday night. i finally decide that it has something to do with the solitude of cats and how that relates to nature overall. but then i think maybe it's about roy orbison. i wish i could remember... so that i could tell him in person?? that doesnt seem right. maybe that's what i was thinking in between dreams.
everyone is supposed to be getting ready to go-- there must be a 6 people milling around the front yard by the van and 6 more that are still running around getting ready. i think, there's still time to do a couple last minute things before we leave since half these people aren't ready anyway. allie (!!!) says she'll come with me to the bathroom and i have an embarrassing moment of pee anxiety. plus my papa and a couple other people walk in on us. then i run off to some other bathroom to try to take a shower, but there's a long string of strange incidents so that i keep having to run around to different bathrooms and sinks. for example, a bunch of wet sand pours out of one of the faucets, making me even dirtier than i started. other faucets give no water at all. this whole thing takes FOREVER and of course, the more worried i get about making everyone late, the longer it seems to take. i'm freaking out about not getting to spend time with the pig boy, almost as if i knew the dream would end right when it did: before i had accomplished very much.

today i'm going to the apple store, where i will pick out a new desktop computer as a graduation present from my parents. although i'm already going crazy living back at home, they really do so much for me, and it's amazing that they give me so many things.
the rest of this weekend will be spent in my room, cleaning and arranging and sorting and discarding. i've already got two huge garbage bags of clothes to get rid of! maybe we will have a yard sale soon...? anyone want to have a joint yard sale?? that might be more fun.
on monday, i will begin my job search. this starts with a call to the census office, although i think at this point, that's wishful thinking. anyone know how to make a resume?? wish i'd had more time to talk to dale last semester...
ahhhhhhh real world go away i don't like what i've seen of you
am i already stuck??

listening to: diane cluck - telepathic desert

the best way to be is fickle and feckless and wishy and washy

so i finally turned in that last research paper WITHOUT EVEN PROOFREADING IT and believing that it was a bunch of mediocre mush. so how do i respond to something like this?!

Alanna,

This is one of the finest papers I have read. With your permission, I'd like to use it as a model in future courses. If you want me to take your name off it, I will. I also want you to know that, unless my memory fails me, your A+ in the course is the first (certainly one among very few) that a student has earned in my 20+ years of teaching.

I don't usually advise students to pursue graduate school (PhDs) because the market is so competitive. But you really should think about continuing your studies in some capacity. If you don't want to be a professor, you might consider MLS in library science, or at the very least, an MA in literature.

Best wishes,
Carol

aghhhhhhhh really what am i supposed to say to this amazing, beautiful, brilliant woman?!

i have been telling everyone that that was the last paper i will ever write. and now my head is all warped thinking about grad school. what to do?!

listening to: best friends forever - i think it would be great

to do today

• go to my last two college classes EVER
• turn in my last college paper EVER
• photocopy the Sea of Emotions map
• take a trip
• swim in the swannanoa 
• feed baby goats
• dye my hair
• graduation rehearsal
• pack

listening to: tom gently snoring

the lingering scent of fire

can't seem to get it out of my go cup.

dreamt i was pregnant. right before i went into labor, i realized how much i didn't want to go through with it, but it was too late. i couldn't believe what was happening. luckily, i woke up right as the contractions were starting, but i can still recall the feeling. it was horrible. thanks a lot, benadryl.

can't seem to get anything done. what a mess.

also, fuck the bubba.

trash

so maybe the maggots were our fault, but the plastic bag of dead rats certainly was not.

incalculable indiscreetness and sorrow

currently suffering from constant disappointments. how can i possibly turn this around?

i seem to have lost any fluency i once had in human conversation.
also, words in general.
it's just a COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN. it's always the same.

the girl from my film project mediated a q+a conversation between me and the boy i dreamt was my friend. i was floundering, so frustrated with her impudence, killing.

where do i keep going? the weekends feel like the polar opposite of the weekdays, and that's how it's been all along. except that the weekends aren't really good anymore.

i can't think of anyone i want to talk to right now, but i'm desperate for something. i'm terrified of where my existing relationships are headed and incapable of forming new ones that could be as important and beautiful.

just spilled water all over myself. only 10 minutes ago i was cleaning up the wine i spilled when i tripped on the stairs. not even tipsy.

i'm not present here anymore, but then again, i'm not sure i ever was. but then again, i'm not sure i've ever been. i'm starting to become terrified of going home.

am i even human? how can you be sure?

these lines near killed me today:

when i saw the blossoms broke after the rain
limp and sodden, when you wrote me again
made me think of spiders i washed down the drain
spiders' ghosts, thrown up and back again

blessing all the birds that died so i could live
be a woman
be a woman

all i can do is do.

Matins by Louise Glück

The sun shines; by the mailbox, leaves of the divided birch tree folded, pleated like fins.
Underneath, hollow stems of the white daffodils,
       Ice Wings, Cantatrice; dark
leaves of the wild violet. Noah says
depressives hate the spring, imbalance
between the inner and the outer world. I make
another case­­­—being depressed, yes, but in a sense passionately
attached to the living tree, my body
actually curled in the split trunk, almost at peace,
        in the evening rain
almost able to feel
sap frothing and rising: Noah says this is
an error of depressives, identifying
with a tree, whereas the happy heart
wanders the garden like a falling leaf, a figure for
the part, not the whole.