Monday, February 28, 2005

i can't consider

i feel like hell. i stayed home again today, and i'm glad i did. i don't have anything to say except for that i had a good weekend until about 7:30 last night at which point my stomach became my enemy. i got in bed and couldn't fall asleep until like 11 or so. and then i slept badly all night. i'm very sick. i hate life.

listening to: interpol - PDA

Thursday, February 24, 2005

sprint across the wire

i love kristin hersh. i love music. i love life.
isn't this the coolest thing ever created? someone should buy it for me. or at least contribute a dollar to the why-the-fuck-is-it-all-the-way-in-london fund.
i know i asked already but has anyone thought of a book to start off the book club with? katherine sort of suggested the bell jar, but obviously i finished that. i'm really restless and am in no hurry to read chapter 7 of the ap psych book. i feel like there's a thousand things i should've been doing today. usually if you're absent for two days in a row you have a bit of make up work. but my assignbook is sickeningly (gloriously) empty. ah well. i was so bored in school today, i almost shot my face open. the past week i'd been reading every chance i got and today i felt tired and dead. and sick. i forgot to take my day-quil, which was a bad move.
i got invited to another pono party tomorrow night. i don't have anything to wear though, so i might not be able to go.
i know this is weird of me to be asking, in a way, but is anyone going to bonnaroo? i might actually go.... seriously.
brandon saw modest mouse on sunday. he shook isaac's hand. tomorrow he is seeing blonde redhead and interpol. we aren't on speaking terms.

listening to: 50 foot wave - your ghost

it's safe to say

yesterday i stayed home again. i was so bored, i read the entirety of "the bell jar." i hate being so critical, but i was admittedly pretty disappointed. anyone care to discuss? please say yes before i forget the whole thing.
katherine (dohan) called and invited me to dinner with her and katherine (warren) at pho saigon. i had some lovely soup and we tried to think of things to do for the "hamlet" parody. it was going badly. we went to ck's for coffee and cloves. i somehow came up with the concept of setting the whole film in a grocery store, which katherine latched onto as genius. well i sure hope it is genius, because i'd like to do a good job with this movie. anyway, i was so proud, i ordered another coffee and a grilled cheese to fuel my brain. now we are on a roll. i'm worried, though, because katherine is leaving for st. olaf tomorrow and will be leaving for oberlin a couple days before hte project is due. so we have to finish early and i don't know. i hope we survive.
today i went back to school. i was really dreading it, having not gone to school in almost a week. but it was okay.
i've got no plans whatsoever for the weekend. oh yeah, pink floyd light show on saturday night. the last one ever in memphis, run by our own brett hanover. we've all gotta go. tomorrow is senior out to lunch. i think we're going to quizno's, then gibson's. i'm excited. although i'd rather go to young avenue deli. anyone want to venture over there with me sometime soon? say yes.
my report card is surprisingly good. isn't that hysterical? i'm about to go to baskin robbins with mom and morgan. weeooo!

listening to: sonic youth - candle

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

ain't got no use for your red apple juice

i feel like crap. i'm trying to eat pizza and drink chamomile tea. you'd think this would be a disgusting combination, but it doesn't really taste like anything so i'm not minding. today i felt like crap. my head is clouded up and i can't think. i hope to be better soon. fuck this shit.

listening to: the be good tanyas - rain and snow

Monday, February 21, 2005

take your aim, hit your mark

yet again, i apologize for not blogging in so long. more than a week. geez. i wonder why i try. this week was okay, i guess? monday was valentine's day and therapy. after school on tuesday, margaret, brock, and i hung out at the vintage mcdonald's and marquette park. on wednesday brock and i had chai at starbucks. thursday was solely dedicated to making an interrobang video with katherine, brock, and brett; i didn't get started on my homework until really late, and after a call from william, i gave up. friday, our video didn't even get shown. after school, a strange group consisting of me, brock, brett, LA, john r, and elise (?) went to get hawaian shaved ice and spent forever doing nothing in the parking lot. the core four took a mini road trip to rossville. not exactly houston, but it was good times. we walked around a bit before breaking into this abandoned building that was at one point a school, then something like storage for a bunch of bikes and motorcycles. the most recent stuff in there were all these huge garbage bags filled with crushed soda cans. we found a lot of really cool shit, and everybody brought a little something home. i snagged a little box thing and a very cool motorcycle helmet. we got some records, letters, photos, signs, etc. we walked down a little nature trail by the wolf river until it got dark. we wanted to eat dinner at the wolf river cafe but the whole damn town was there, and we would've had to wait an hour to eat, and we didn't really have enough money. we drove a little bit out of the town and lay on a sleeping back looking at stars. my mom called and told me that she was with our cat grandpa at the vet. he'd had a liver failure and had, apparently for a while now, some kind of kidney cancer. it was so surprising, so sudden. he was such a sweet cat, huge, and with the loudest purr i've ever heard. perfect for us when we were in third grade, and carried him around in ways no other cat would allow. brittany, morgan, and i loved him because he would run to us when we snapped our fingers (brittany named him Snapper). when we found him, i secretly hoped he was pregnant. the cat we were never supposed to own. we felt sorry for him because his family moved away and didn't take him with them. we started feeding him, took him into our home in the winter, moved to this house with him. morgan and i attributed his laziness (he would recline on the kitchen floor, and pull little food bits out of his bowl onto the floor next to his mouth, and basically inhale them) to his late night adventures. who knows what went on in house basements, in bushes, under the light of streetlamps? he'd take his time coming home, and sit on the window sill meowing until someone opened the door and fed him. he had this look that he was constantly bored, above all of us, but humored us all the same. he was a fox. he got high on catnip and didn't come down from the top of the kitty condo for hours. mom says he was younger than i had calculated... only 9 or 10, although it's all speculative. there's no one who disliked that cat. i hope his life with us was happy. i hope he wasn't angry with us for not noticing his pain or for putting him to sleep on friday night. our other cat has barely left my side since then. she's fairly perceptive, and i think she knew immediately that grandpa was not going to come home. now she doesn't have a bathing buddy or a friend to venture out onto the backyard with. i hadn't really seen much of him lately, but now that i think about it, he hadn't been very active. i wonder if something could've happened differently if we'd noticed sooner. not that we could have afforded it. but maybe he preferred it this way, staying at home with his family until the end.
i debated going home after mom called me, but there was nothing i could really do there except be sad. so i tried not to think about it too much while we ate dinner at popeye's and then watched ferngully at LA's house. we had a short and disconnected conversation about philosophy. LA drove me home around 11:30. i went straight to bed. i woke up on saturday around 10 with my cat at the foot of the bed. mom and i spent a little while talking on the couch. i love my mom. we are very similar. she took me and lauren to see bad education, where brock also met us. it was a great movie and i recommend that you go out to see it if you get a chance. morgan fox had been in the theatre and we said hello briefly. he's a really nice man. we should take "much finer" to him soon, i think. mom drove lauren home, and we stopped by raffe's deli to buy some hommus. we tried to rent the motorcycle diaries, as we are both in love with gael garcia however you say it, but it was out at blockbuster. so we came home, ordered camy's pizza, and watched the discreet charm of the bourgeoisie which mom had given too me for valentine's day. it was funny and strange. mom got in bed to read, and, even though it was really early, i accidentally fell asleep next to her. i was woken up when morgan and dad got home from the play, and i was really tired so i went and got in my own bed. after that, it took me a really long time to fall back asleep. i should've taken some nyquil. my cold has been getting unfortunately worse. i guess i fell asleep at some point because i was awoken when my phone started ringing. LA called asking if she and john could come over and borrow a movie. they arrived a few minutes later, and i tried to help them find something. i hope they had a good night with memento, junior, and both bill and ted movies. i went back to bed after they left but stayed awake forever. sunday i woke up before 10 somehow, feeling more sick. made chai for morgan and i, to soothe our throats, and watched the newsies with her and mom. i sat around reading and eating hommus for a while, then took a nap for something like three hours. when i woke up i felt miserable and looked around for something to eat, but to no avail. eventually i had some reheated pizza and a vanilla coke. brock and sallis arrived at the same time to watch adapatation. has anyone seen that? want to talk about it? sallis and brock didn't see it the same way i did. i suck at movies, though. they went home at the same time. morgan and i sat in the kitchen eating thin mints while i heated up a cup of the chai that i made way too much on accident. she and i talked for a really long time into the night. we always get worked up if we talk for too long. we went to bed eventually. i was woken up abrutly, early this morning (before 8 haha) by a thunderstorm. i hate thunder. it really scares me and makes me feel like a little kid. i realized as i woke up a little more than i couldn't really breathe through my nose, and that my ceiling was dripping a little puddle of water. the drip only lasted for a few minutes, thank god, and not for the whole storm. how weird though. i got up and finished reading "the funnies" which is a book brandon gave me for christmas. it was really good. now i can't wait to start the book club!! does anyone have any suggestions for what we start off with? the tentative reading list includes the bell jar, the fountainhead, east of eden, the rainbow, franny and zooey, and brave new world. the members (whoever they turn out to be) will take turns picking the book, and my mom is going to mediate the discussions. i am very very excited. don't fuck up! right now i should probably be doing homework or something.

listening to: cerveris - SPCA

Monday, February 14, 2005

stick it to the m-a-n, man

anyone want to drive to houston to see modest mouse on the three-day weekend? of course you do. now if you WILL, it's another story. ho hum. i tried. had a nice weekend. a lot of at-home time that didn't bother me. i got a lovely knit hat from brittany in the mail. what a great birthday present! it's so soft and nice. friday was a half day. i learned a LOT sitting in the gym while the beauty pageant happened on the other side of the school. puhlease. i can't say enough about how much i hate that bullshit. so brock and i people-watched (trevor, where are you?) until jeff wagner introduced himself to us. after school, sallis, katherine, brett, eileen, lena, and i went to (east) memphis pizza cafe. i love that shit. then sallis, brett, and i had milkshakes at java. mine was cinnamon and, of course, glorious. then sallis took me home and i sat around. brett showed up at our house right before we left for the play. i got a chai at starbucks. mom got coffee so that she could stay awake for the play haha. she didn't even get to see it, though, because she had to run the house and didn't want to come in late. it was fun though, i had a nice time. afterwards no one could decide what to do, so we just danced at theatreworks for a long time. i came home and bumbled. on saturday i had a hummus pita and a grilled cheese for lunch with my lovely mother. in fact, i bumbled quite a lot. at 5:45 brett came over and we bumbled simultaneously. finally we called brock to make him decide what to do. he was about to see finding neverland with alice, so we showed up for that, although we couldn't sit with them because we got there so late. the movie was good although brett and i nearly starved to death. and then, of course, alice and brock had already eaten, so we starved some more. we then drove to theatreworks in the rain and, after (to brett's dismay) some dancing, we got together a group of 11 people and walked over to ihop. when i discovered that over half of our company wasn't going to eat, i ordered THE BIG BASIC to make up for it. despite everything, our waiter was very sweet and patient, and we had a lovely time. then i came home and bumbled. a late night phone call made me happy. today was nothing at all, i've forgotten it. except for spending two hours at the library hanging out with lauren d, my favorite person. we got chais and she checked out some books from the classics section, for fun. it was nice and we didn't even attempt the math project. ho ho ho. nothing else happened. june bug ate my fucking shoe, and chewed up some computer cables so now we only have the internet on one computer. DESPAIR. proving thoughts are cyclic, i've again been thinking about how much i hate fake shit. especially when people pull that stuff. it has just been bothering me more than normal. almost everything seems forced, even most music that i usually like. so mostly i can only listen to pixies and kristin hersh. in an attempt to better my world and yours, i ask you to PLEASE DON'T BE FAKE AROUND ME. for one thing, i can't handle it anymore. it's really trying on my emotions, to be constantly puzzling over what people actually think about me. the past few months have been rough sailing, partly because of that. i don't want to be someone who's super concerned with what people think about me, but i'd like to be certain that my friends like me. when i don't feel like my friends like me, things are not good. if you don't like me, go away. that's something i can deal with on my own. actually i'd rather have no friends than false friends. it's a really sad thing to witness... i guess in a lot of groups there's someone people don't really like, and just keep them around. everybody's too fucking insecure. anyway i know that i'm a really irritating person, so i guess i don't really need that pointed out so much as i need people not to pretend i'm not. if that makes any sense. mm i want community, not selfishness. i just want reality, nothing false anymore. as keats once gushed, "beauty is truth, truth beauty." i used to have a big purple button that said "beauty is truth" but it broke. i loved that pin. i tried to keep the pieces, but i lose everything. ooh i just found an arrowhead in the deep clay dirt of the computer desk. is that lucky?

Thursday, February 10, 2005

still ain't got no driver's license

to blog... is pain. agowpihgpwohei. i figured i'd update because i find myself strangely lacking in things to do. i'm sure it's a lie. tomorrow is queen of clubs, plotted perfectly on a half day. so we have no class. so i have no homework. i finished frankenstein. it is a good book. i recommend poetry by adrienne rich. i recommend "the score" by fugees. i recommend listening to minnie proctor's new mp3s. and while i'm at it, i should go ahead and plug our BEAUTIFUL cd swap site by mentioning how well it's going. especially the big list which i finished messing with last night. if you haven't sent me your list, please do it. because i love you. and to those of you who know about the site and have already made some requests, don't worry. i'm on it.

listening to: themselves - paging dr. moon or gun

Friday, February 04, 2005

i hate you, blog.

i guess only a little bit. i've been busy doing nothing this weeek.... sort of i just didn't want to write a detailed post about my birthday so i avoided it and i'm not going to. but i had a GREAT GREAT GREAT time and thanks to everyone who showed up. i got some amazing gifts (ohhh thank you), ate a lot of cakes, smoked some nice cigars, and generally indulged in happiness. this week has been okay. i'm still alive thanks to the thoughts of margaret and meg's no judgement day party tonight. YES!
CD exchange is in full swing. thanks to everyone who's brought copies of their list around. laylee had a brilliant idea that this would work much better online, so here is what we have so far. if your name doesn't have a link on it, please email me a copy of your list sometime soon. and test out the search engine, take a look around. who knew so many people owned "jagged little pill?" anyway. i'm excited. let me know if you have any trouble or if i can change the site in any helpful way.
i had another paragraph planned but i forgot what it was going to say. so here it is.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

drawn up in lights

i got accepted to loyola!!! last night i was on their website trying to figure out when i would know and trying not to start looking too soon. and today as we were walking towards the house, there was a big envelope and i was like "haha maybe it's my loyola letter" and it totally was. so. that was a nice way to start the afternoon.
then morgan and foot sang that scary song about "peanut peanut butter and jelly and jelly" to me. i cry.
now they have kicked me out because they are working on a project, and i'm probably going to work on my cd list some more. i hope you are all doing the same! there's no more option, everyone MUST participate in the mega cd swap. or i come to your house and take everything.
tonight we might go to young avenue deli, and i hope we do. i'm not even hungry, but oh i will be.

listening to: tori amos - glory of the 80s

Monday, January 24, 2005

i heard you drove a silvery sports car

today was pretty good for a monday. but any day that i get two tests pushed back and only go to three and a half classes is awesome. we had a speaker, edward mitchell, who was one of the first men to walk on the moon. and now he does this stuff called noetic sciences about humanity's collective consciousness, basically. it was pretty interesting, and i liked him. he said some good things. it was too bad that so many people slept through it, but i guess it can't be helped. i had a headache for a large portion of the idea, but i MADE chai when i came home (katherine and i bought some tazo mix from starbucks on saturday) and i am now headache-free. ah the joys of living. right now i should be writing my research paper, like always, but of course i am not. oh well. i'm hoping that last year will repeat itself, and when i sit down to do this shit, it'll sort of flow and i'll end up really enjoying myself. i do like papers. and i finally fixed my thesis to something that i like, so it should all just sort itself out now. hope hope hope.

listening to: bandits - catch me

Sunday, January 23, 2005

you know you can follow my voice

between picnics, movies, quesadillas, and late late nights, i have had a nice weekend. so that is nice. i don't really have time to elaborate, what with research paper shit being due tomorrow. woe, woe is me. instead, i will use this time (while this article on the sense of nonsense prints) to introduce the brilliant MEGA CD SWAP. that is brock's title, it's a little inaccurate. but whatever.
WHAT TO DO:
1) Create a list of ALL your CDs. Even the really shitty ones. No lying or false advertising. (You can put your siblings' stuff too, if you'd like. Mine is an all-encompassing Stewart-Jacobs family catalog.)
2) Slap your name on it, make some copies (please try to conserve paper), and pass those babies out to whoever wants one.
3) Collect everyone else's CD lists, write your name on them, and highlight the albums that are yearning to belong in your collection.
4) Return the highlighted list and the appropriate number of blank CDs to the list's owner.
5) When you get your own lists back, burn away. Love illegality. Track lists would be helpful but are not required.
6) Exchange. Listen. Weep.

you are all invited to participate. because i want as much shit as i can get my hands on. if you're interested, let me know so that i know how many copies to make of these things. or, you can distribute your list via email if that works better for you. also, if you're borrowing any CDs from participating kiddies, be sure to return them so that they can get their lists together. any questions? thank you, i love you, good night.

listening to: tommy gnosis - wicked little town

Friday, January 21, 2005

oh, hey

HOW IS IT SO GOOD?????

listening to: tracy + the plastics - what you still want

Thursday, January 20, 2005

you always were a queer one from the start

yesterday i didn't blog or get on AIM at all, and i went to sleep at 11:30. do i feel like i accomplished more? fuck's sake, no. i just piddled around doing OTHER nonsense things, like eating junk food with sara and reloading the same web pages over and over. i spent forever and ever and EVER doing ridiculously stupid physics work just so that i could get an easy 100 homework grade to make up for the test i fucked up today. then i read "the rime of the ancient mariner" for english class. it's a silly poem, i like it. then i started reading "alice's adventures in wonderland," which i finished in class today. it is nice. and i'm glad to have a better understanding for the writing of my research paper, which will take place this weekend. moan moan. i hope i can make my thesis work right. brett, can i get my books back soon? thank you.
this week is faster than i could've imagined, but i've been silly and really nonchalant about school. and everything else. but it's been nice. does anyone want to help me make the weekend nice?
i love music.

listening to: belle and sesbastian - expectations

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

i disappear! i disappear!

today was too long. i had two tests i'd completely forgotten about. my research paper research doesn't exist. i'm trying to stay silly. that is all.

listening to: frente! - jungle

Monday, January 17, 2005

you are asleep

I AM GOING TO BE SO STRONG.
i am gritting my teeth in preparation for the battle ahead. everything will turn out great. alone means nothing. i don't care about everyone who doesn't care. i hate all humanity. die die die die die or at least leave me in peace.
i have to find a bubble.
why am i posting this.

listening to: placebo - bulletproof cupid

a symphony that's you

i hate having to update when it's been a long time. i hate catching up. so this is what you are going to get:
i had a really good week.
now that that's over with.... i am so fucking stuffed full of curry turkey pita. sweet godddddd. morgan and i are more full this weekend than we ever are because our parents are in boston. sarah is staying with us, and we go out for every meal. what the hell else would we spend the weekend money on? well it is nice. i'm not used to so much food, though. on friday we saw the life aquatic again. i think i can safely say that IT IS EVEN BETTER A SECOND TIME. if you haven't gone, you are missing out. last night we saw the house of the flying daggers, and it was not so good. maybe i am really picky. but the plot was ridiculous. there were some pretty visuals, i guess... i liked the choreographed fight sequences, but that's about it. it was pretty silly. but i think it's necessary for me to see a silly movie once in a while so that i can remember they exist. i am spoiled rotten sometimes.
also. i know i've talked about it before, but recently i have not really had a chance to RAVE about how much i love last.fm. i encourage all of you to go get an account on it so that i can stalk you and look at what you're listening to. and you can stalk me.
i'm a loser.

listening to: kings of convenience - love is no big truth

Monday, January 10, 2005

you and me will be whirlwinds of danger

wriggle.
forgive me if i don't post much this week.
today is too long for me to be writing now.
i must flee.

listening to: kimya dawson - nobody's hippie

Sunday, January 09, 2005

i sleep with one hand on my heart

WOOHOO I'VE SENT IT IN SIX COLLEGE APPLICATIONS! i am very proud. it took me fucking long enough to get them in. but whatever, it's done and i'm happy. now i just have to write two more essays and i'll be rolling in daisies. hoorah, hoorah.
katherine better win the scholastic writing competition.
today was fucking awful. many things were said. but everything worked out, i think. things happened that needed to happen. things were accomplished. the day is finally over, and i am so glad. this week will be better.

listening to: throwing muses - no way in hell

it's too warm inside your hands

friday was great. ada came to senior out to lunch at atlanta bread company with alice, brock, katherine, laylee, and me. the place was a bad idea, but it was pretty fun being loud and irritating to the east memphis stiffies. we screamed about sex and drugs. after school brock and i went to starbucks then davis-kidd to hang out with margaret. we called alice but she decided she didn't want to hang out. ada met us there, we spent forever standing in the cold parking lot trying to keep warm. fire and ice, babies. we made plans to see tarah, and in the meantime went to visit sick laylee at her house. we ate ice cream and looked at baby pigs. ada called LA for the second time that night, but she also pulled out. nothing was really going the way we'd planned, and i thought ada would be irritated, but she was not. which i am glad for. anyway, ada, brock, and i left for tarah's but on the way she called us and said something had come up but she'd call us when it was over. we wasted time and money at sonic, but listened to good music. stopped by my house for a bit. brock had to go home, so me and ada went driving. tarah never called, so we ended up outside atlanta bread company again smoking cigars. margaret called and said they'd missed their movie, and shortly thereafter, she, christie, and elizabeth joined the party. elizabeth couldn't stay long, and the rest of us went to ck's for a quick cup of coffee. christie had to get home, but margaret invited ada and i to come hang out at her house for a while. we cuddled up in her lovely room and talked for hours. we all lost track of time, for sure. ada finally dropped me off at home around 4:30, and at that exact moment my cell phone started ringing. my dad had discovered that i was not in bed. i made up some weird lie about being outside and talking on the phone. i'm not sure he bought it, but he didn't bring it up today, so i'm not worried. this morning i woke up at like 11:30. had some pasta. watched a lord of the rings special feature with morgan and mom. talked on the phone for a little bit. took a shower. went back to bed until like 6:15, at which point i ate some backyard burger. dad got me a cheeseburger. it was a cooked burger with grated cheese sitting on the top. unfathomable. then morgan and i went to the american musical review at our school to see newman in all his magical glory. i am totally in love with him. in contrast, everything else about it was very shitty and high school as expected. everyone was either showing off or just boring to watch. i spent a lot of the time laughing silently to myself. no offense to anyone in it or anyone who enjoyed it-- it's nearly impossible to have a good high school show, and i'm super critical about them for some reason. almost everything about those things pisses me off, from stoned, self-important techies to selection of songs to irritating people in the audience. oh man i can't help it. afterwards, dad picked me up. we had to drive duncan home. i like her. i watched yellow submarine with my parents. it is not anywhere near being the best beatles movie, and this time i enjoyed it less than i ever have before. i guess i was just in a really critical mood tonight. oh well. then i talked to brandon on the phone a while. i meant to go to bed right afterwards but look at this. here i am. i've already brushed my teeth and everything. sometimes i wonder why i keep this stupid blog, it just wastes my time and yours. now don't you feel silly for spending all that time reading this silly thing? yes you do. good night.

listening to: sleater-kinney - turn it on

Thursday, January 06, 2005

smoke that tumbleweed

who drew the best research paper topic EVER? oh it's me.
"Sense and nonsense in Lewis Carroll's Jabberwocky and Alice in Wonderland."
fuckin a! oh yeah! i am really excited about it. i hope i can focus on it and be good.
in psychology, DJ, who graduated last year, came and talked for the full goddamn hour about being a student at univeristy of georgia. i learned so much psychology, it was amazing. who knew that georgians were white and republican? not me. i'm being dicky, it was pretty interesting. but really badly timed. the rest of the day was okay. school this week has been okay, which means pretty good, considering that everything's usually unbelievably bad. so i am in a good mood.
ALTHOUGH I TOOK ANOTHER FUCKING NAP TODAY AND SLEPT PAST 7 SO NOW I MISSED THE DAMN SCHOOL MUSICAL. I AM SO SORRY NEWMAN AND EILEEN. I'LL COME ON SATURDAY OR OSMETHING. I AM SORRY.

listening to: afroman - colt 45