dream story

i checked myself into the asylum. i don't remember why. 

you'd be surprised how many names you'd recognize from the roster there. kids from high school, a couple famous artists: one refused to talk about his old work, and the other lived in it. 

the women's ward was a long corridor of open doors, almost felt like a public restroom in that way. our rooms were small little cubbies but i didn't mind that. i didn't bring anything much with me and i don't take up too much space. we all got dressed with the doors open, leaning out into the corridor to gossip and glance. you start to feel almost normal in a place like that. 

my room was at the end of the hall and the girl sam across from me was the sweetest one there. she took me under her wing a bit, looked out for me, and made sure the men steered clear. 

 the days do go by. mom calls, worried sick, but i tell her this is really for the best. i have time to focus now, maybe i'll even write something.

sometimes i forget why we're all here. the danger under the surface. sometimes it's just like being off at school.

so and so displays his drawings, flashes that grin, show off. some of the girls are giddy from swooning, but these aren't my friends so i don't bother with it. i couldn't care less. instead i try to get the other to talk, the poet that was. he's dizzy with anxiety, won't remember, won't forget. i'm sorry to see him in such a state but i secretly promise not to give up on him. i'm sure he has some scribbles up his sleeve.

an outing. a drag race. three drowned, dead in a car in the river. we're all in various states of shock, depending on our remaining faculties. those of us with an appropriate power of empathy (neither hauled off wailing, nor nothing in the eyes) set out to organize a little something to commemorate these tragic young people, "not so unlike ourselves, mister director." we get an evening out.

somehow it's all too much, i have to slip away. find myself at a gazebo by the shore, find myself wanting, needing to flow underneath like the tide, to writhe and curl into the sand and let it out. now i feel it all: belly big with child, how he still hit, how he pricked, the getting it out, the whole thing happening to my body again forever here in this sand. i gave her to the sea. 

they find me with my teeth loose, my clothes gone but for this wrecked slip. the pearl green streaked with blood. sam knows everything, i don't know how long she's been standing there. they carry me off to the theatre, everyone is there, but why are we here when they can't help. i can't go in here like this, clutching bits of my teeth to my chest through the rip in my dress. what will they do with me now that they know?

the hospital upstairs tells us that the dentist is out. i'm still bleeding, clutching, i can't wait. put my teeth back in and make me well, and i'll be on my way. the handsome young man in the butcher's apron claims to know a thing or two about teeth. then he sees who i am with, "say, everything i know, i learned from you! why can't you do it?" she scowls and shows again my mouth, full of metal and blood and broken bones, all exposed. the wires scare him off.

a woman in the basement knows a thing or two. she has her own shop, it's astounding to a group of well-dressed male customers who try to tell her she's selling too cheap. she puts on a wonderful show with a spinning cat that multiplies and tiny pigs that really fly. she just grins at the men, takes their money, and shoos them on their way. she's smiling till they turn their backs. she's tough and terrifying but i like her. sam holds my hand.

she is going to drill out my teeth but somehow i know we'll be alright. 

lessons learned from being sick

• can't sing
• can't yell
• can't make silly voices
• can't talk back or instantly criticize everything/anything
• restlessness. as soon as i begin to feel well, i'm ready to hit the streets. this is where the cycle starts.

so there's time to analyze. why am i not doing doing doing.

listening to: molly nilsson -- hey moon

you don't even own your own violence

​when i spill a full glass of water across my antique dresser and remember that nothing is mine, or good, i find your clover, dry and intact, until i try to touch it and its leaves disappear, crumble useless in my fingers. ​​
there will be no nonsense.

​how many times i tried to make you feel this. how even now i am slipping, how hard i am missing. i tried pouring it out for you, a silver stream from the cup -- how even then you missed it. not again. how my stomach still sings, toes tingle. it is all glamour, the imagined beauty of it all. ​​

it's been long enough that i can smile when i think of the park, the beach, the wedding. but at the thought of your face, my teeth clench, the truth of it makes the vision go sour.

But you don't even own your own violence
Run away from home-- your beard is still blue

we all kill butterflies

​No animals were not harmed in the making of this film, or any other. there is not a one we can name, there is not a vegan film.
from the successful slap deaths of mosquitoes on our own sweaty bodies to the crickets we accidentally crushed in the moss, from the birds on skewers that nourished our bodies to the bird in the box that arrived frozen at our door, there was never no harm. ​​

nothing like a birthday to remind you to be cooler than your friends

fragments for the new year

on the shortest day, i rose to greet the dawn, drove east to meet the sun. i had not planned it, but i rose in the pitch dark before morning and drove with nothing in the rearview but black. anything is possible when you're in motion. for the first time, i'm pulled over for speeding but escape with a warning. i'm not sure how to take this sign. which side of luck am i on?

on the day after the shortest day, i woke to the sound of a pig grinding her teeth and pawing at the gate. the world was supposed to have ended but we knew it wouldnt and we passed through unchanged (though we hoped that we and it were all better and new).

on the pizza place patio, i watch a white bristle hair terrier sidestep its owners, who try to corner it back into the fenced yard behind the house. i laugh at the show, their dance, and forget after the shouting stops. an hour later, i'm leaving little rock and in the center of the four lane 430 is a white terrier, dead.

on the day after the day after the shortest day, i have been home less than 24 hours and already, everything has settled exactly as it was. i'm falling into the rut where the house is and i see no way out.

on christmas eve, i'm crying in bed for hours, wondering why i bothered to make it this far. i've already stagnated and my greatest fear comes true. i lay heavy on the curses and make plans never to see my friends again. everything i've ever done is useless.

christmas is the usual pile of books and wrapping paper and everything you'd expect. chocolate coffee. stockings full of soap. fruit and cheese plate. the appropriate fir needle coating over almost everything. why do my cats prefer the tree's water? eventually i force myself out of the house for wine and friends and spin a yarn so long it nearly swallows me. this is the only night i will see them before they shove off for nashville, new york, japan. the small set of hours disappears in an instant and i'm shocked to find the outside world turning white, soft snow floating in the air. sometimes the earth will glitter and the bed will be warm and not too big for you and your cats.

on the day after christmas, i wake up puking. this seems unfair since i really didn't overdo it and played it safe with fruit, cheese, and only a little wine. they will always trip me: every time i find some good, it goes. any time i think i'm finding footing, it slips.

on the day after the day after christmas, it's time to go again. my mama and i trade off for the drive to her parents' in south georgia, and we don't even have to talk with the audio book playing.

these days are a pleasant stretch in the limbo of family. we busy ourselves with the business of being agreeable and intervening when the grandparents try to do anything beyond their chairs. we challenge the cousins in scores of smart phone games; we watch most of 3/8 of the harry potter films; we just barely drink to excess but generally we contain ourselves.

on new year's eve we discover there is no bonfire planned. the female cousins rally our forces to gather every scrap of torn wrapping paper and decently dry pine logs, and we feel proud of the growing burn pile till we get luke's truck stuck in a mud patch where grass becomes field. it's my fault for mentioning the time we ran into this tall grass unsuspecting, and sank from house slippers to pajamas. the fire is not the finest, but our effort is the thing, and i'm glad to drink cider topped with the ash of christmas present turning past. 

on the first day, we are in transit. i can't remember a new year that i didn't greet from the highway, rushing away from and towards the old and new, praying to every dead thing. 

on the first night, i come and curl around myself three times, receiving and giving back, giving back. 

on the day after the first day, i scour and purge, determined to make a temporary space comfortable for perhaps the first time ever. i shock myself by staying up all night here, not unusual but for the words and the recollection of hours lost typing. there is comfort and the dark is more than half done. 

break

after hours flailing on the screaming windy highway, the i-10 rest stop is eerily quiet. everyone stands beside their cars smoking, unspeaking. a sign outside the squat brown building warns, WATCH FOR SNAKES. another, LOOK TWICE FOR BIKES, depicts a four-eyed cartoon head, bodiless at the wheel. i barely pee anything; i'm thinking of the narrative of my life and whether i could make it as a any kind of artist, or anything at all. somehow i'm thinking of maine in august last year in lawly's tent where bowen courted and sported us both. how she kissed me with just lips, how his mouth found its way under my shirt, the hot bright orange tent heat, their red and yellow hair. how all i could think was: this must be something that people do. no one asked any questions.

now, a woman interrupts my careful handwashing: "what do they do when it's pouring?" i hadnt even noticed the open sky, blue with thin wisps of white clouds. texas winter is summer hot at 80 and rising. "Yeah!" i agree too loudly in this quiet place and all my jokes fail. in the mirror my face looks back worried, lonely, and pale except for the fierce red bumps covering my chin. at 25 i still look 13, hormones angry and unbalanced after recently quitting nine years of HBC. i have always hated mirrors and today is no different except that i've really fallen now, all dreams dashed down on the brown ceramic tiles in the open air rest stop, ready to be snake bait.

i started driving on the new moon. i wanted to say i left full of duck eggs and stolen goods but no i left empty and opening undone. it's never done, always moving.

you never really tried

phew. finally finally finally sent the last email to TM. thank goodness i got that off my chest!

NOW. i am moving back to the south in a week and three days. all this must happen before then:

• finish color correcting the movie
• laundry
• return library books
• order new glasses
• renew driver license
• get car serviced
• PACK UP EVERYTHING
• become unaddicted to coffee and smokes
• last chance photo copies
• goodbye party
• record new vocals for the chase song???
• go camping???
• cut my hair dammit
• chill out.... hahaha

listening to: kate bush - the big sky

the wind it blows (the door closed)

so, my long-term horoscopes from astrodienst are usually really accurate. just read this one, projected to continue from last thursday until september of next year, and not totally sure how to take it:

During this time you are able to achieve a most unusual balance between your material and your spiritual needs, and you see the relationship between them so that you can build your life upon both of them equally. This influence helps you bring your spiritual ideals into focus in the material world so that you can see precisely what role they play in your life. Consequently this is a time of sober reflection and deep understanding about your life on several planes. 

This is a time of serious thought. Your mood will not be especially light-hearted, but you will be in a position to make great breakthroughs in understanding. You will be able to deny yourself rewards that you have wanted in the past, because now you can see that if you wait a bit, your daily life will come closer to your ideals. You are in the right frame of mind for disciplined self-denial and sacrifice without being a martyr. In other words, you are realistic about what you are doing. 

Now you can work to further your ideals, such as working for religious or charitable organizations, spiritual groups or whatever. In general you will be attracted to groups of people who share your views, and you will be able to express your philosophy better in a group than by yourself. This influence has the effect of making your ego subservient to higher needs, so that if you believe strongly in what you are doing, you will be able to work hard even if given very little credit or positive reinforcement. 

With this influence there is the danger of taking your own actions too seriously. This can be a very covert form of egotism in the name of spiritual awareness and devotion, and no form of egotism, even if it goes by another name, is compatible with this influence.

so.... i guess it's time to join a cult?!


listening to: kate bush - king of the mountain

every time i drive to the bay, no matter how many times
every time i hear an accordion
every time i see your name, whether or not it's you.
every time i think of leaving.
every time i start to move. every time

i cant believe i'm making this trip alone. i cant believe that was ten months ago. i cant believe we'll never be that good again. i cant believe you own my memory. i cant believe how selfish you turned out to be.


at the end of the day, it's just sex. it's all there is and thats it. the distance killed what was already dying. you couldnt hold my small blue flame, my soft shell. i couldnt feel you hold me there, i couldnt open more than this.


i thought i'd hear from you, i thought you'd care enough to write.
i was wrong.
now i know better.

in my life, i'm not looking for love. what i crave is connection, fire, brilliance, and madness. anger and hate can have a place. love is nothing without a this. your love means nothing without respect. your love of self will break the rest.

remember how you were always running away in my dreams? the one where your songs are playing on the radio, you sang so sweetly "if you really loved me, you would be here with me." it was all true.


i imagine you floating, nothing but your love. how easy i was to lose and forget.

gonna have my fun

i can't believe i've lived in this cloud for almost a year. i can't believe it's winter where you are. i can't believe i'm about to be completely free for the first time EVER with no plans and nothing. no more job, no school, and no movie to work on. i can't believe all i have to do to get there is three more weeks at the duck house and then 3000 miles back to the south. home. free.
honestly i have no clue what i'm gonna do with myself.... but i have some ideas.

anybody know anyone i can stay with? 

or anything cool to see along the way?

or some reason i shouldn't take this route?

listening to: the white stripes - going back to memphis

by the lake with the days of rum

if, in dreams, water represents the unconscious, as well as change and renewal, what about a swimming pool? what about the biggest ever interconnected network of swimming pools, filled with giant octopi and forgotten 70s music stars, and i'm swimming through the murky 70s water the entire time, the whole dream world is this pool? WHAT THEN???

i almost always dream of water, but this is unprecedented.


listening to: marissa nadler - old love haunts me in the morning (on phoning it in)

found poem (gchat)

he said he thought he should be more patient 
and listen to him when i ask 
pointed questions about his love life, 
because they might be helpful

but i don't know 
if i'm sure 
he really thinks that

no letters in the mailbox

wrote an email to KSB tonight explaining that i am going home for xmas and not coming back. she responded ten minutes later with a very diplomatic note that everything is fine and she's not worried about training the new staff and interns but that probably they can't pay me to work remotely. it sorta sucks to be out of a job, but it's kind of a relief to be starting fresh and not being obligated to this campaign anymore.

back to the south!! perhaps the movie really will be done by christmas and then katherine and i will tour with it in the spring and then maybe i'll go to folklore school or be a witch in the woods for real.

i have exactly ten more minutes of the movie that i have to color. then i just need to get katherine to review it, make whatever changes we need, and then it'll be DONE. really done. it's hard to believe.... better get back to work.


listening to: leonard cohen - diamonds in the mine

at the dark dark dark show, i expected to be so devastated, crying all over myself. instead i dance like this: swaying, loving the moment, and the buzz of the sound. just gazing up, basking in the presence of this talent. ​ ​



i loved you too carefully; i thought i had time. i moved through the days with a love song in my heart and mirah on my lips.

i think what you meant when you said you were bad at distance:

the time and care i put into every word slipped past you.
you were waiting (not for me)
you weren't prepared to see it through
you don't know how to be patient

AND IF YOU WEREN'T SURE:
why didn't you ask?

lament for lost autumn

for a chilly moment in the Mills dorm bathroom, i'm blown back to the fresh weeks of fall in the golden blue ridge mountains: bright, full, expectant.

california has made us small, our dreams lost ever since our open hands closed around degrees into tiny fists, into a world for forgetting. the price of the status. the cost of responsibility, the rewards that never come. what did we trade for those days of dreaming? a hot november afternoon, the sun and the geese on thr lake, sober as saints, counting bugs on our muddy legs and laughing deep for the first time in weeks.

tonight will be dancing, women, and wine; we will try to remember how to love, not forget.

i need to erase the whole system.

it's sick to realize there is only one reason to mindlessly peruse the internet. i am cutting it out. it is not easy. my skills are sharp. i was born to research librarians. i find a way.

then, again:
two dead doe.

all things die.
blood will flow.



the energy of the orgasm flows out into my hand to be reabsorbed. i'm sinking in but my guts are tying up in knots. the songs on shuffle distract and dismay, but still it comes.

BECAUSE I COULD SEE THAT YOU DIDN'T NEED ME
BECAUSE YOU MADE A CHOICE THAT YOU DENY
BECAUSE I SAW IT COMING
BECAUSE THIS WAS THE ONLY WAY IT COULD GO
 BECAUSE IT WAS THE ONLY GOOD THING
BECAUSE YOU LET ME BELIEVE

because i don't deserve good things
because unbelievable joy is never real

 i couldn't believe you loved me.
i shouldn't have.

because i never felt special to you
because i could have been anyone
because i was the last one standing
because you get what you want
because you mold the world to fit your desire
because you act for yourself and revise later

between ten moons i could not give you what you wanted.

ten moons
nine lives ???
eight women, the ones you call girls, the notches in your belt
seven years since the livejournal posts
six years since our band's first performance
five more days of sun on earth (six technically)
four a.m. and i hate myself for writing
three - the men who once loved me
two it only takes two. i thought we made a pair but we were never alone in here.
one chance. one choice.

OR three is a crowd. count me out.
two men, cancers. the only loves i've known.

in some ways i blame our familiarity, our set patrerns of communication. i had learned cautiousness, distance: dont ask too many questions, never expect direct or detailed answers. i looked forward to drawing you out but i saw no rush. i fretted over not being able to ask even the simple stuff: are you seeing other people? you never helped, you never said anything first. you never asked me for more. you never even made me come. you threw it away before we had begun.

i'm sorry i was not so easy. not simple. that it was taking time to rub down these callouses and that i was enjoying taking that time. i'm sorry i was not worth the wait.

when you flew me to your parents' house for the wedding, i thought your family was rude, i was hurt by how they didnt make an effort. now i see it was you that was rude - why should they have to bother again with another one-time girl? they knew your ways better than me, they were smart and stayed detached. why didnt anyone warn me? god i loved you so hard those nights, so unapologetically open wide. it was not enough, my love fell flat, you took yours back. i cant believe i was going to write a letter to your parents singing your praises, showering them with thanks. now i'm tempted to do the opposite. you didnt tell your parents about my love, but i told mine. i always believed.


i move through these memories and letters, replacing each swoon and vow with its opposite.
this is your way, it's only fair.

I dreamed you were so sorry.


the love doesn't go away.
the love dies at the wall of lies.
all these words unravel off your forked tongue.
do you even believe yourself?
this last letter tries so hard to be convincing, but i don't buy it any more than you do.
what a fool



i'm trying to unlearn your love
after realizing you meant
nothing you said.

if everything is true, then
what's left?



i've been running over all these words trying to find one thought
one phrase that might be a clue
it's killer
i can't find anything
it kills
you said you really loved me
that i didn't need to be worried or scared
that you just wanted to give life a shot
with me at your side
you made me believe
you told me to trust
to let go of what i held so tight
to breathe and open my tight fists
unwind in your arms and heart
i did it and i lost it all
why should i ever have believed
someone like you?
every small disagreement we had
rooted in this:
you only care about yourself
you live in the moment of your desire
you place yourself above the rest
you see yourself as better, deserving
you won't agree with any of this because
that's part of the game.
you can talk about the universe and
love all you want, but when's the
last time you put someone else first?

take me back to the river of dirt

go back to possum country. the house must be bigger on the inside. breathe into it, let the wind blow in. the woods will be waiting. let the sun be the light.

whats the hurry? you're not going anywhere and they're still waiting.

seek them out.

the cicadas in a song near made me cry
it's been so long since i've been home
(it's not a place i've ever known)
i dont remember going home

however

however happiness is never. the time it comes is the same that it goes.

the restless feeling makes me run to the bars, to the people, to the substance something. 
there is nothing there. that is not where i needed to be.

instead i'm trying this old tack: jam jar gin and tonics, a rollie on the porch out back. 

this isn't it. 

it isn't anywhere.

the only thing is the cat in the drawer.

the only thing is never, more.

i pretend this isn't right, that there's another place for me.

it's nowhere. 
it's nothing. 

cant even complete these sentences. all i hear is wrong.

how i see myself: fetal, constant screams and tears, gouged, heart hanging out, hanging on by a blood thread, all exposed, undone, over.

the reality: the bright monitor blurring through misted eyes, hoodie pulled up all the way, burning through queries, mark as unread mark it undone


how does the heart break? how does it all still seem the same?

this is how the heart breaks: silent and still.
try to keep pumping, working, breathing.
try to pretend there is still a living thing in here.
pretend there is a purpose.
try to pretend you will make it.
pretend to try to get better.

say, honey i am not sorry

every time you look, you get sick to your stomach, feel nauseous and dizzy, the cavern cracked in your chest, gouged. you need to lock up all the offenses in a box and get it out of sight, burn it if necessary.

don't forget: last night you felt nothing. thirty minutes on the phone, and nothing. the drop in your gut at the predictable typical "hello?" multi-tasking at the party, the ugly silence. how flippant to your low note, how ungrateful and spoiled for a charmed life.

you drink, and dream of women: cale's birthday a circus of pierced nipples, rooms full of bathtubs, and balancing acts on floating balloons. waking up is not real life, but you have a better memory of what it could be. you just want a 19th-century romance with a woman in a field.

GOALS:
--acrobalance
--herb garden
--sublet/house-sit cabin
--animate with morgan


You are Eeyore. 


listening to: joanna newsom - kingfisher

good things for today

• hot cuppa tea
• popcorn with yeast and garlic salt
• writing letters
• tearing paper
• dandelions
• baby bowl before bed
• not looking at the computer
• not giving a fuck

NEW PLANS:

--run away with morgan and be secret princesses in caves

--find some awesome artist who needs a personal assistant

--move into a roadside attraction
--don't worry about any of these fuckhead fakeys
--don't bother talking to anyone who doesn't bother talking to you
--cultivate ugliness
--every letter a suicide note

--cut it out
--love the cut

envelope words

it's the last thing i would've wanted him to say. don't ever say anything is pretty ever again.
you tell me you're working on words but if that's possible, how are you so far? do you understand i'm falling apart, crushed? NO. you couldn't. every letter a suicide note why do i bother? every dark patch bristling card calling me. i feel like i'm going so much crazier than everyone else -- of course we all are, so why? we're all running ragged on our fears and insecurities and stress of every kind. all i want to do forever is cry and creak and die and cry but i can't ever.
i was trying to think of the response i would want. i could only think of the one i wouldn't: this was that one. this was the one that killed me. i can't do this. there's nothing to change that could fix it. i just have to move on and find someone who can begin to understand. is there a person like that? is there anyone, anywhere for me? why am i so far? what can i do to find my place? i feel so sad and stupid for asking but there's nothing to cry and nowhere to go and i need to take care of everyone, i need them all to stay and live and love and make everything good, i know they can make it. i try to make them see all their good and find each other. if only we could really build it.... i wish i could believe. all i see is the razors in the drawer + the stains on the floor.

​olisten, don't worry, it's fine. i've said this before,
but i mean it this time:
i can't do this anymore.


you will not wonder what could have been. you will continue to believe i could have tried harder, when you never tried at all.
you never even said what happened.
you never even explained that the pledge was done. you broke it and you pretended you hadnt.
i can't begin to say my disappointment.

​​ i will make this because i am the only one who will. i will do my damnedest because it's all that i can do. these things are fleeting, this is what they are. i will make every letter a suicide note, a ship of leaves set to sail down a trickling gutter stream. i am the moss at the bottom of the street.

WHAT FUCKING EMAIL DO YOU EVEN KEEP REFERENCING IN WHICH YOU DECLARE YOUR LOVE OR SMOE SHIT

i was afraid to let go and give my love freely. when i did, it was given back.
​it's pretty HIGHLARIOUS that i predicted everything in this poem, by lumping you in with the rest before it was even true.
you should understand that i'm disappointed and hurt that you left me for someone new. or rather, placed me on the backburner (yes i've been there before.)
but i'm really hurt and really angry and disgusted that you didn't tell me first, that instead of checking in, you checked the fuck out. really did you care for me so little? after pulling out all my love and trust, after you told me over and over that it was okay and you were here and full of love, after we pledged ourselves to each other. why didn't you tell me that plans had changed? why didn't you tell me there was at least the possibility?
and as far as not "understanding upset or hurt" or whatever garbage, i don't fucking believe you for a second and i really wish you'd drop this holier than thou shit and get back in the dirt with the rest of us. saying that crap (and actually believing it?!) just makes you seem all the more selfish, naive, and oblivious. which i guess is what you really are, and congratulations on finding someone who buys into that.
what does "sorta" mean?
how angry should i be?
do you know how i pined? do you know what i risked?
it kills me how defensive you were. how you float away to your intellectual land where nothing matters and there's no point to anything. do you really believe that? how did we ever love if that's true? how can you throw this all away?
do you know how it feels to have your heart jumping out of you, your chest always an aching cavern, open to everything? how is it that i can feel this much?
it's constant pain. i know you don't believe.
of course i could never make it with someone who doesn't believe in anything. of course he sees my sadness rules me.

you didn't miss me. you don't need me. i should've known.... i think i did which is where the test came in. i saw this coming before you did. i saw it all. i was never your style, i could never be your girl.
just don't pretend this was something that happened to you. you are making the choice every step that you take. fate led you to the water but you didn't have to drink.
i am the desert, the place where men sink.

how could you be so naive, so selfish, so ENTITLED????
why did i believe that you respected me
why did i believe when you said about getting rejected, being hurt, the one that was left
why didn't i notice that long line of girls stretched out before me all along
why didn't i call to them
how did i not see how much you worship yourself, your disdain for human relations, your carelessness

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
i thought you knew me better. i thought i could believe that you'd grown. but you are still the same immature boy who loves the lie and the pit.
i'm too embarrassed to tell my friends what happened between us. i was so fucking excited.
you tried to get in touch in the weakest ways, so fucking polite. one text a week and a couple one-line emails. no calls, no letters; it was clear you didn't need me, miss me, didn't feel like i feel.
you wanted to silence to give you the go.
i asked what do you want, and you say you want to talk it out. what i hear is you want to make yourself feel better before you move on and leave me to my silence. i will not give you that.
you are a fucking coward. do not blame me that we never settled on a label or a name; you never tried to have the conversation. it was easy on you, you could slip out at any time. you did, i knew you would.
i feel so stupid for letting myself fall. i saw this coming from the start. but i do put my heart before my head, whatever you think. i believed in our power, the magic of us. i thought we could overcome our fears and failures.
of course i love you, that's why i am so broken. what did you think? i warned you what would happen.

ten moons. write it about how i feel, not what he did. he will not understand the blaming language. you have to make him understand through confessions and truth.

filling and refilling the bucket with water. filling up and pouring out. a branch cat​​ches my arm and leaves a cool drop of morning dew, the last one left at high noon hiding in the dark bush. a cobweb catches my hair, surrounds and tangles, a new nest.
the bucket will never be clean. the water will come out clear and pure and will muddy instantly in the stained white plastic.

​how how how how how how h​​ow do i feel so much

crumb + crime

some lines tapped out drunk on my phone and high in my room, in a
matter of minutes over a handful of days--

(i'm sorry, you asked.)


carrying you
the broken doubloon
pockets of deception
full and heavy with treasures
cherished or forgotten

funny how we came together as it fell apart
broken from the start, but now scattered
at least a fourth gone forever
and the other smooth slivers tried to lose
but somehow i never do manage to

how much was i holding in?
how long will it take to wash away
near nine years of constant chemicals?
no one warned me:
waves of unchecked estrogens, enzymes wreak havoc on every piece
of my system and knock me off what little stability i rocky rode,
cysts crunch tight ovaries twisting, wrecked
weeks of white knuckles, eight days of thick black blood
birthmarks bleeding and browner than ever
so sore, so much, so tired, so sad
so so done
get me gone

shedding it all
getting rid
the sticky slickness of newly opened fruit
it pains and pours
cant keep anymore
i feell down

couldnt contain it and split my sense
on the pavement spilt my whisky and my mess
but not a drop for you
and fingers that beckon but do not ask
split sick open wide
spilt self all over
cant contain--
i didnt want to
i disjt mean to
he did not ask to take the fruit

they usually dont


and where did i lose you?
between the unealked streets of our interchange
without negotiating the borders of this new land
under a haze of confusion in the cloud of uncertain substance
so how could i find you?
why shouldnt you float
in and out
to and fro
up and down
i coukdnt ever hope to stay
a mess of indecision
a cobweb tangle heartsore

that heart was whole
in my pocket all along
it missed the chance to sing our song

and now my fruit is rancid, rotten
under wilted odor of noxious lovers
who sucked on my spirits and promptly forgot them
greedy plundered all sweet offers

tasting and taking the higher they climbed
entwined in the dance called the rape of the vine

they took as they tasted the best of my wine
they took me down dancing the rape of the vine


why did i assume it was all in the mix?
that the music would speak where the silence kicks?
that they'd stay to sleep when the fruit was picked?
why i’d rather not ask than take the risk
when at every end i’m trapped and tricked

how hungry did you have to get
to try a night with me?
look past the sagging sacks and
maneuver the tangles to get the fruit
this is no courtly quest
there was no love story


and so pulled out the clot and held in my hands
nine years of clear caught love, spent seed
everything i tried to keep
a ball of blood and mucus down the drain
sent off without ceremony
now what do i do with all this feel?
without a stopper or a net
and now, not even any eyes
dumb and blind and come and cry

and what we saw on the deep dark highway
were roads of stars through layers of heavy trees
all that hanging life and sweetness
and there, ahead, still and silent in the middle of the road
the fawn, the wandering grazer, small shy and calm
not the deer in headlights
not a thing but trust
we slow to let her finish, turn and cross back towards us in the dark
not running
not away

the beauty leaves a bitter taste
i want to scream, to get her gone
don't look at us, don't believe
you can't stay here girl
you won't have time to learn

then
two dead doe
and there it is:
every sister, mother
splayed in center
the white lines
straight through
legs broken
necks cracked
i try, but i cant take it back


now the cat in my lap and the wine in my hand
hurting and working without a plan
i won’t tell you how it really ends
you’ll do your best to understand
but wonder why it’s back again


mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,mmmmmm
^this is lucha's contribution
can't say i don't agree
you asked
i'm sorry

​why can't i give myself the right to ask? am i afraid of my partners? am i too afraid that i'll upset them by being straight forward and end up hurting myself in the long run? what is this ridiculous dance?​​

words to keep for Better Critter

drowning in wonder and hunger of several varieites

i have a fever

let's sleep in a freezer

abandoned alphabet

​a is for aquarius there are no words
b is for blue fire eyes dear god i'm falling
c is for catastrophe, the only kind i need
d is for danger, disaster, delirium, deliquency, deranged, dirigible
e is for ecstatic my love
f is for face your face its shining its beauty and f my friend we'll always be and f my fool and for FURRRRR let me live in there in your forest and let's f
g is for gigantic a big big love
h is for your head, i want ot hold it forever. holding your heart in my hands. please let me.
i am working on feeling alright
j is for my jester, my joy, filling it all with laughter and spark
k
l


(edit and finish this thing and turn it into a letter/book/paper present)

critic
manager
music videos


learn drums
make zines
learn to write
herbs
acrobalance

join intnetional community
publishing internahip
animal rescue
artist residency
filmmaker in new zealand


rex will be great forever just doibg what he does. what do i NEED to do?

sawngs

1) Art Sorority for Girls - Spaceship
2) Larkin Grimm - The Butcher (Live on Airborne Event in 2008)
3) Adrian Orange - Blushing
4) The Mountain Goats - California Song
5) Diane Cluck - 4 Score Lightnings
6) Paper Bird - Cryptozoology
7) Regina Spektor - A Cannon
8) Beirut - Scenic World
9) Mountain Man - Play It Right (live in 2011)
10) Haruko - Spring In Our Lungs
11) Erin Tobey - Water Song
12) Agent Ribbons - Birds and Bees
13) Belly - King
14) Beat Happening - Dreamy
15) tUnE-YaRdS - Want Me To
16) Pearl and the Beard - Voice In My Throat
17) Zoë Boekbinder - inexorably
18) Khaela Maricich - V-Day 1998
19) Cub - The Day We Met
20) Paul Baribeau - How Could That Be True
21) Why Are We Building Such A Big Ship? - Lonesome Leash
22) Shenandoah Davis - Duet
23) Jolie Holland - December, 1999
24) Josephine Foster - Little Life

​dreamt of animals, taking care of charlie, who it turned out had been alive all along. a soft sweet creature, peach and feather fur.

sinking as a window pane

a trial

it's a night of beer and coffee on the couch of weary lonesome
and the dirty cups are stacking faster than we're pouring new ones
with the ghostly winds ahowlin through the trees, a fearsome rain storm
and the chimes clang crookedly throughout, an otherwordly chant noise


4am with nothing left
half a beer, my shallow self
i do forget to eat
but i don't forget to drink
how can we know where we stand
when the birds don't sing?


a pitterpatter pitterpat sings in the dark alone
the lonely redwood branches chant the heart of every song
i fall to catch the only thing that i know how to trust
the life that struggles in the dirt, the worm that's all of us




i'm throwing in this bit from an old song i wrote, stealing from yeats.

and this is all i know:
things come together
before things fall apart
things come together

sinking. singing. the chant of it that leaves me out. the pace of it that proceeds, as i sit , idle on the couch. the smell, the breath. nothing left. nothing to offer to wind or rain, nothing to gain. just take me, teach me, let me ride. i'll turn to storm clouds, pitch and glide. i'll become the blaze you want me to; there's no tomorrow but me and you.

and jesus christ my heart stopped when I saw it was me who left the carriage house door open

something about how the branches scraping the glass ends up sounding like the birds that i've wanted.
ugh this is terrible tom, please excuse me. but you asked me, and it's practice! practice is good. let's keep working. i wanna improve. let's go there.

​dreamt you sent me two songs. the first was about how sad and depressed you were, and the second said something lik​​e "if you really cared, you'd be here" and it made me feel awful.
and then i dreamed about being at the pharmacy with a girl i used to know when i was small.

​the world all warm and wet, ancient and growing
all i want is the feel of your fingers around me,
inside, stiff, hardened
everywhere in complete​​

When I came, I saw the forest: redwoods, ferns, ravines. And those bats. A night full of bats.

old mix

tom sent me the tracklist to an ancient mix i must've made him in, what, 2006 ?? 

i didn't know him well yet and i didn't know what kind of music he liked, so i just threw a bunch of stuff on there. haha wtf was i thinking.

i'm down right amazed at what i can destroy with just a hammer - atom and his package
mediocrity rules - le tigre
the return of evil bill - clinic
lime house - the breeders
i was born (a unicorn) - the unicorns
nancy drew - tuscadero
the chimbley sweep - the deceberists
miss alissa - eagles of death metal
hounds of love - kate bush
the naming of things - andrew bird
bridges and balloons - joanna
neighborhood #1 - the arcade fire
the pull - the microphones
crushed bones - why?
big science - laurie anderson
not living at all - mr. airplane man
no roses no more - lucero
manhole - ani
steak for chicken - moldy peaches
love und romance - the slits
fire fire - mia
god and country - the thermals
deep wilson - kristin hersh

Finally realizing the truth. I just need to talk straight. I'm afraid of being this way: clingy and crazy and scary. I'm afraid of him being something else, something that doesn't want the same thing. What can we do.
I'm afraid that we won't be what we want. That it wont work when I do want it to work.

Put our heads together. Press mouths open. Hearts beating as one, matching breaths. Close, open. What heat, what magic! The feel of our tangle, the mess of us.

Home alone and every little noise is freaking me out. Will i ever grow up?

i do not need a light

i almost didn't go to my therapist appointment this morning. it was my first time seeing this woman, and after my disastrous experience a couple weeks ago (in which the LCSW accused me of being on my parents' insurance illegally and made me cry in the first 2 minutes), i was feeling pretty wary about whether this was a good idea. but i went, and i was late, and a very sweet dog greeted me as soon as i walked in. the session was okay i suppose; i felt pretty okay about it when i first left, but that feeling has been steadily failing since i got home. i wish i had been more firm that i see medication as a last resort, and i wish i had talked more about immediate problems than answering all her questions about my back story. and anyway i don't see what good this is going to do me if i only see her three times, which is hopefully what it will be if i can get out of town as soon as i'm planning on. SO basically probably a big wate of time and money on my end, and i'm not sure what i'm even trying to get out of this. i hate to be so negative but.. well that's just how it is.
now the day is already half gone and i have no idea how that happened and i'm mad at myself. i need to find some lunch and take morgan driving and do some errands and work on editing and finish cleaning my room, etc. instead i'm listening to an album i just discovered by an artist i really like, josephine foster-- it's all musical versions of emily dickinson poems! so perfect. how did i not know about this before?

listening to: josephine foster - i see thee better -- in the dark

happy birthday

well, old blog, today you've turned 10. i'd like to make an effort to write here more... the periods of my life when i wasn't writing have turned into weird black holes that i'll never be able to remember. and i think it'd be good to keep this up, if only for processing. definitely in a big transitional period right now, with really no idea what will happen next. if i look at it the right way, i have infinite possibilities; the world is completely open to me. but the reality is much more stressful than that, and this is the worst low i've been in for a long time. i really don't know what the hell i'm doing with myself and it's impossible for me to envision my life beyond memphis and this movie. so i guess that's where i should start?
anyway, i'll try to be around more. sorry for neglecting you, old friend.

already today, morgan saved me from a roach that attacked me while i was taking a shower AND gave me some of her old teeth. for there is no friend like a sister...

dreamt of goth and fey girls, and finding a way in the woods.

everybody is full of advice for me lately but none of it is very useful. i gotta get out of here.

i don't know why i bother going out of the house at all anymore.

i stayed up too late last night and got a bunch of road kill emails, but they're too upsetting to read.



my free will horoscope from last week:

If you want to be healed, whether from a physical malady or a psychic wound, there's one prerequisite you have to meet: You have to be willing to learn a lesson that your suffering has invited you to study. I would go so far as to say that no one, no matter how skilled a healer, can help cure you until you have taken that first step. So what teaching is it that you would need to explore in order to transform your distress into wisdom?

this scares me.

in 2010, i graduated from college and learned how to use a manual can opener.

in 2011, i will start reading my dad's book, stop smoking, drink less, write more, read more, FINISH MY FILM, organize my papers, start doing yoga, learn about nutrition, become a witch, and move out of my parents' house.

last night almost turned out to be the night.
katherine, brett, and i go out to chao praya for delicious thai and watch fast, cheap, and out of control at brett's house, which i don't think i like. after a gin and tonic and a couple of hours of channel surfing, i drop katherine off at her house and head home around 2am. for some reason i call brett, i guess to rant about how depressed i am and how awful the universe is. why did we watch that movie, that television? why is everything the worst reality it could be?
a grey cat shape is running right in front of my car. a wild sound ravages my throat, and i'm braking as hard as i can. it happens so fast, not fast enough. i open the door and poke out my head but can't see anything. i wonder if she's under the car, so i inch forward a little bit. the phone has hung up. there is the sound of whimpering, a squeaking chirping sound. what have i done how could i do this how can i go on how do i fix it. i'm rushing to get out of the car, almost forgetting to put it in park. behind the car, the middle of the lane, a raccoon, no two. two raccoons somehow saw the fallen cat and took immediate advantage. how can i help? am i capable of taking two raccoons? nature is cruel, maybe this is out of my hands, maybe it's up to them. i can scare them away, i walk towards them, three raccoons unhook themselves and scatter. no bodies, no blood. there's another car coming, it passes without slowing down. by now brett must have called back; i'm in such a shock, just start driving still debating what to do. brett says if they left the road they're fine, but i tell him that most of the roadkill i've seen is on the shoulder, in the gutter. i make it all the way back home before turning around to check for a body. what could i even do with it? i keep asking. my voice is hoarse and my eyes are dry for now. completely disoriented, i keep getting my landmarks mixed up and directions confused. the road by east high is dark, black. where did it happen? i wonder if each blemish of pavement is smeared blood.
brett assures me: i see no bodies, i felt no bump. i assure him, we live a miserable existence.

no one takes me seriously

note to self: stop talking.

while cleaning, i realized that everything i own is covered in feathers. this accounts for at least 70% of the problem that is my room.
today i voted not to make hunting a constitutional right in tennessee, to consolidate the memphis city and shelby county governments, and to put steve cohen back in office. i'll let you know how it turns out.
yesterday i got a job as a part-time receptionist at a massage therapy place in midtown, and my first day of training is tomorrow. the job itself seems pretty chill and at least slightly flexible, which hopefully will make up for the shitty salary. i'm NERVOUS as you can imagine, but oddly not as excited as i was expecting to be after a job search that felt neverending and soul-sucking. maybe it'll be a little more exciting once i'm there a couple days.
in other news, my trip to wilson was really great, for the most part. i got to see mountain man sing for free in asheville!!!! they sang for about half an hour, with me and morgan standing only about a foot away. for "dog song," molly asked us to close our eyes and snuggle up with someone, and i don't know how many people participated, but i hope they did because it was amazing to be able to just listen to the different tones of their voices and feel the direction of each sound and wowowowow i feel so lucky to have been there. i need to write them and ask if we can borrow a song for our movie. that would really be something.


you can see all the way at the front.... amazing!!

HANG ON WAIT IT'S NOT DONE

listening to:

whining and pining is wrong

this morning i scheduled my first job interview since my last one a month ago at the humane society. just a minute ago, i called back and canceled it.
i'm still depressed about the humane society not calling me back, but i have decided that this is the week to get over it. i almost applied to starbucks a couple days ago and realized that i need to GET REAL.
part of me wants to catch up on here and write about everything that's been going on, but in some ways it doesn't really seem worth remembering. for instance, i embarrassed the life out of myself on friday night, and now i wonder why i ever leave the house. i need some new hobbies. pbrs and music tagging aren't cutting it. but did they ever?
yesterday my parents found cosmo in their bed gnawing on a baby turtle. the top front of its shell was bleeding, and i cupped the turt in my hands while mom dabbed at the wounds with betadine. then we made a house out of a big plastic storage container and a feast of tomatoes, grapes, collards, mushrooms, and the rest of the schnuck's produce aisle. although seemingly healthy and doing fine, turt won't eat and seems pretty stressed. the vet says just to let em back into the wild, i.e. the backyard, but now it looks like there's more blood and i'm afraid.
also morgan is here for fall break. hurray for fall break! finally fall.
now i'm going to the pho hoa binh buffet YAYAYAY

listening to: the magnetic fields - busby berkeley dreams

me: yr always running me off

Jerel: well
I don't know what to do
I'll feel bad either way
but one is more in your interests than mine so I go with that one

just discovered that i can look at statistics about who reads this blog, and i realized it isn't only me... most of my readers use windows..?!
i know you are out there, and you better start commenting.

can you see the means without the end in the random frantic action

violent dream. beat up (or maybe just verbally abused?) brandon's girlfriend, then went to someone's house where i got shot, then went off and proceeded to slice up my own tongue.
last night i just sat at home after my horrible day and moped by myself. i ended up hanging out with my parents, who were watching wonderfalls and drinking dad's beer of the month club beer. more correctly, my dad drank the whole huge 9.3% bottle by himself, except for the half glass i snatched for myself. i got jealous and started drinking white russians. we proceeded to get more ridiculous until we were all talking to the tv and dad could hardly follow the show. brock appeared suddenly while we were standing in the backyard pointing mom's ipad at the invisible stars. it almost feels like true fall...
blah blah blah. in the end, i was up till 6am yet again. and cutting my own hair, which looks awful. i need something

listening to: amanda palmer - astronaut

don't you go

just cut my hair for the first time. woahahhhwoah

listening to: the dodos - it's that time again

can't control thoughts of things i needed

yesterday laylee showed me this cragislist ad for a vague but cool sounding kennel assistant/dog walking thing:

Dog walkers/helpers, full-time & Part time . This will be at a kennel/rescue. Behaviorist helper and kennel helper are the positions avail. Flex hours and good pay ($12+/hour depending on job and your experience). Reply back if interested.

so of course i replied to it because i respond to ALL the vet/animal rescue ads, and around noon today i got a reponse! i was SOOOOOO EXCITED and pranced around the house and felt better htan i've felt in forever and just basked in the idea of doing rescue work. the crazy thing was that i had JUST been talking to my mom about wanting to do this kind of thing, and she was so excited for me too and saying "it's fate!" everything felt beautiful. katherine arrived and we watched the latest version of our movie trailer, and it just felt perfect. my parents both loved it and laughed in all the right places. then while katherine went to pick up her new guitar from the store, i wrote a gushy reply to the PAWS guy about how excited i was to be given this opportunity, animals are the light of my life, etc etc etc.
but THEN. i clicked the link in the email where i was supposed to fill out a questionare and upload my resume. it was then that i realized the whole thing was a scam. everything fell to pieces, i'm no longer floating around, and i remember what a cruel and horrible thing reality is. if this WAS fate, i obviously needed a reminder that people are evil and things never just work out like they should.
fuck it all.
plus now we're having a trailer crisis as well. please watch it and let us know if it makes any sense or is good. leave feedback in the comments.

listening to: hop along, queen ansleis - bruno is orange

broken glass as far as we could see

worst beans and rice ever. what is wrong with me??? actually i will just blame these possibly frigerator-burned beans and butterless instant rices.
getting ready to go out with ada. but where to? probably one of the midtown dives we've been frequenting this summer... probably the lamplighter.
i put hot sauce on this beans and rice but it is still kinda inedible. time for a bunch of corn on the cob, i guess.

listening to: hop along - coney island

click clack moo

i just found out that my typing speed is 105 words per minute... surely the university of memphis will want me for their secretary!

things look better in the morning light

i really hate that i can't sleep right now. i just took a benadryl to help me out... why can't i ever sleep when i really need to?
last night after our jib shoot i picked up py from the train station a bit after 10. we hung out with john tom and co. on his last night in town until about 3, then stayed up talking and drinking in my yard until 9am or something stupid like that. we slept until 3:20 which is insane because i missed like 3092572 phone calls-- i NEVER sleep through phone calls so i guess i was really passed out. seeing py was amazingmazingmazing, and i really hope he'll be back in a month like he says. his gf is going to school in nashville now, so maybe i'll get to see him regularly for a while. what a great energy he brings to life... miss that boy.
i got some disappointing news from my dad today... looks like the public services division of the city of memphis government is being forced to make a fuck ton of budget cuts because of something that i don't understand that has to do with the memphis city schools and i don't even know. so basically a bunch of part-timers at the library are probably gonna lose their jobs, meaning that i am probably not gonna get hired by frayser and i have to start looking for something else. i can't even say how disappointed i am... goodbye, beautiful dream job. hello, ugly world.
i have been really bad about accomplishing goals this summer. i pretty much gotta get real. mostly i need to work on my time management skillz and actually doing what i say i'm gonna do. part of me wants to make a list of things on here to make this official, but i don't think i have the energy right now. for starters, let's just say i need an awesome veg nutrition/cookbook and a grocery list.
oh yeah you heard about the WIKI right?????

listening to: larkin grimm - little weeper

the lonely heart poetry droning in hearts becomes songs that all objects sing to each other

just decided to pause on the job search when i read "police chef" and thought it sounded like a great way to make money. although i'm not a very good cook, and i don't do the meat thing... still.
yes, i'm still looking for a job. yes, i turned down the offer from the property management company. i feel a bit weird about it still, but i really think i would have been doing a disservice to myself to stop looking at this point. it was my first offer, and i think i have other avenues to explore. as brett put it, "Secretary at Confederated Management is not the way to start your career as a genius." mostly he could say that because my dad had just turned up some dirt on them on the internet.

plus, i asked the runes. basically what i got is that i can't lose sight of the big picture and remember that i don't have to stick to a narrow path to reach my goals. taking that job would have lead me astray. i need to work on not settling and not being so dependent. i got really flustered about how impossible making this decision felt. now i feel a little more relaxed, remembering that not everything is under my control and these decisions are actually not so huge. and... well.
well you all know i love bugs, but this is just ridiculous. i'm afraid to count the number of them in my room right now. is it because i opened the window for a few minutes yesterday to lean out and pet cosmo's little floppy head? is it because there is apparently a huge hole in my wall with only a thin layer between me and the outside world? (no wonder winter is so cold.) or, is it because i am a fucking bug magnet and always will be? and my cats just lie here... it's really not a problem except when they decide to crawl around on the computer screen, which just confuses my eyeballs. well. except for roaches..... DEAR GOD. WAKE UP KITTIES.

listening to: akron/family - ed is a portal

your daydream ends like a kick in the chest

breakfast for dinner!! sweet potato hashbrowns! pancakes! mimosas!! we should do this more often. i dont know how the fam felt, but i LOVED IT. again!!
went to see the new our own voice show. it's the first one they've done based on a book, though not a fiction of course. bill wrote and directed, but there were lots of new faces... good actors. got to see linley, alden, and grayson. so crazy how much time has gone by since i met them. coming back to memphis always shocks me that way.
i stare at my gmail inbox all day, but i dont read half of what i get and i still havent answered all the important messages i've been putting off from the last 6 months -- or more? steve cohen's newsletter always makes me tear up. what's email for again?
i'm trying to get back into music, but it's really hard. everything feels mediocre. i think i miss books.

listening to: art sorority for girls - spaceship

the life bangs and sucks

this is the fifth day in a row that i've woken up after noon. and the last two days, i've had an alarm set! that means i've been sleeping between 9 and 10 hours every night. i mean, i know i racked up a lot of sleep debt over the last semester, but this is too much... i wonder if has something to do with the fact that i can't shake this damn cough? am i still sick or something? too bad my insurance got taken away BEFORE i even graduated.
had a whole series of weird dreams, which i promptly forgot because of the millions of times that my alarm went off... lots of stealthy escapes..
i gotta get real pretty soon. this is bad news. today i will finally work on my resume! it must be done!
but first i need a black bean burger.
starting now, summer is gonna be good.

listening to: vic chesnutt & kristin hersh - hungry

is that rumbling thunder or plumbing?

bad bad bad dream after a bad day. it seems silly to go into detail now that i'm here. why would i want to remember this?
not sure if i should feel so affected by a dream.... but i really feel like shit. don't really feel like doing the things i'd planned to do today.
shouldnt have stayed up till 5 on saturday. REALLY shouldnt have stayed up till 4 last night. i really need to get back on track somehow.
looks like a thunderstorm monday... maybe i'll stay inside.

the atmosphere unravelling till you receive my love

had a semi-beautiful dream in which i was in love with a boy who was also a pig. in fact, i think i was also a pig sometimes too. i was scared, but when we faced each other and he nibbled my ear, it was so gentle, hardly any pressure. when he raised his hoof, i expected roughness, but it was warm and soft and comforting. this moment lasted a long time, i'm not sure how it ended. but when we're talking later, he's so comfortable and i'm finding out more about him, like that he's part cherokee, and he nonchalantly mentions that he's an orphan but he doesn't seem damaged, and i fall in love with him so hard.
turns out that we were on some sort of huge road trip with a bunch of people and had made a stop at my granny's house. she was pretty overwhelmed by all the guests and kept saying strange things... can't think of any examples unfortunately.
there is some sort of recurring section where i'm trying to remember the name of the lecture tom is giving on saturday night. i finally decide that it has something to do with the solitude of cats and how that relates to nature overall. but then i think maybe it's about roy orbison. i wish i could remember... so that i could tell him in person?? that doesnt seem right. maybe that's what i was thinking in between dreams.
everyone is supposed to be getting ready to go-- there must be a 6 people milling around the front yard by the van and 6 more that are still running around getting ready. i think, there's still time to do a couple last minute things before we leave since half these people aren't ready anyway. allie (!!!) says she'll come with me to the bathroom and i have an embarrassing moment of pee anxiety. plus my papa and a couple other people walk in on us. then i run off to some other bathroom to try to take a shower, but there's a long string of strange incidents so that i keep having to run around to different bathrooms and sinks. for example, a bunch of wet sand pours out of one of the faucets, making me even dirtier than i started. other faucets give no water at all. this whole thing takes FOREVER and of course, the more worried i get about making everyone late, the longer it seems to take. i'm freaking out about not getting to spend time with the pig boy, almost as if i knew the dream would end right when it did: before i had accomplished very much.

today i'm going to the apple store, where i will pick out a new desktop computer as a graduation present from my parents. although i'm already going crazy living back at home, they really do so much for me, and it's amazing that they give me so many things.
the rest of this weekend will be spent in my room, cleaning and arranging and sorting and discarding. i've already got two huge garbage bags of clothes to get rid of! maybe we will have a yard sale soon...? anyone want to have a joint yard sale?? that might be more fun.
on monday, i will begin my job search. this starts with a call to the census office, although i think at this point, that's wishful thinking. anyone know how to make a resume?? wish i'd had more time to talk to dale last semester...
ahhhhhhh real world go away i don't like what i've seen of you
am i already stuck??

listening to: diane cluck - telepathic desert

the best way to be is fickle and feckless and wishy and washy

so i finally turned in that last research paper WITHOUT EVEN PROOFREADING IT and believing that it was a bunch of mediocre mush. so how do i respond to something like this?!

Alanna,

This is one of the finest papers I have read. With your permission, I'd like to use it as a model in future courses. If you want me to take your name off it, I will. I also want you to know that, unless my memory fails me, your A+ in the course is the first (certainly one among very few) that a student has earned in my 20+ years of teaching.

I don't usually advise students to pursue graduate school (PhDs) because the market is so competitive. But you really should think about continuing your studies in some capacity. If you don't want to be a professor, you might consider MLS in library science, or at the very least, an MA in literature.

Best wishes,
Carol

aghhhhhhhh really what am i supposed to say to this amazing, beautiful, brilliant woman?!

i have been telling everyone that that was the last paper i will ever write. and now my head is all warped thinking about grad school. what to do?!

listening to: best friends forever - i think it would be great

to do today

• go to my last two college classes EVER
• turn in my last college paper EVER
• photocopy the Sea of Emotions map
• take a trip
• swim in the swannanoa 
• feed baby goats
• dye my hair
• graduation rehearsal
• pack

listening to: tom gently snoring

the lingering scent of fire

can't seem to get it out of my go cup.

dreamt i was pregnant. right before i went into labor, i realized how much i didn't want to go through with it, but it was too late. i couldn't believe what was happening. luckily, i woke up right as the contractions were starting, but i can still recall the feeling. it was horrible. thanks a lot, benadryl.

can't seem to get anything done. what a mess.

also, fuck the bubba.

trash

so maybe the maggots were our fault, but the plastic bag of dead rats certainly was not.

incalculable indiscreetness and sorrow

currently suffering from constant disappointments. how can i possibly turn this around?

i seem to have lost any fluency i once had in human conversation.
also, words in general.
it's just a COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN. it's always the same.

the girl from my film project mediated a q+a conversation between me and the boy i dreamt was my friend. i was floundering, so frustrated with her impudence, killing.

where do i keep going? the weekends feel like the polar opposite of the weekdays, and that's how it's been all along. except that the weekends aren't really good anymore.

i can't think of anyone i want to talk to right now, but i'm desperate for something. i'm terrified of where my existing relationships are headed and incapable of forming new ones that could be as important and beautiful.

just spilled water all over myself. only 10 minutes ago i was cleaning up the wine i spilled when i tripped on the stairs. not even tipsy.

i'm not present here anymore, but then again, i'm not sure i ever was. but then again, i'm not sure i've ever been. i'm starting to become terrified of going home.

am i even human? how can you be sure?

these lines near killed me today:

when i saw the blossoms broke after the rain
limp and sodden, when you wrote me again
made me think of spiders i washed down the drain
spiders' ghosts, thrown up and back again

blessing all the birds that died so i could live
be a woman
be a woman

all i can do is do.

Matins by Louise Glück

The sun shines; by the mailbox, leaves of the divided birch tree folded, pleated like fins.
Underneath, hollow stems of the white daffodils,
       Ice Wings, Cantatrice; dark
leaves of the wild violet. Noah says
depressives hate the spring, imbalance
between the inner and the outer world. I make
another case­­­—being depressed, yes, but in a sense passionately
attached to the living tree, my body
actually curled in the split trunk, almost at peace,
        in the evening rain
almost able to feel
sap frothing and rising: Noah says this is
an error of depressives, identifying
with a tree, whereas the happy heart
wanders the garden like a falling leaf, a figure for
the part, not the whole.

when you say "sweet dreams," is this what you mean?

i am on brett’s family vacation. he is himself, but his mother, father, and sister are not. we’re riding in a van, i’m looking at the backs of heads. we’re going to new york or some other big scary city. i dont think i’m very excited.

our rat trap hotel is a rat maze. to get to the room, i have to crawl on all fours, round and round, up and up. i’m alone, trying to squeeze around corners and read the room numbers. at one point i have to turn around. have a weird interaction with one of the other guests? where are you?

we’re all leaving the hotel down some crazy sky escalator. i think your dad is giving me directions, but i’m not understanding or i’m just nervous or something. i think i get in trouble? feel like a failure.

lots of strange, restricted travel-- multiple weird disconnected escalators into the sky. strange staircases with weird rules. i have to jump backwards down some steps, and i do one extra just in case. but the platform between these stairs and the next is shorter than i anticipated, and i land on another set of stairs. nearly fall, but somehow catch myself. brendan commends my good balance, but seems to think that what i did was stupid.
where are you? were you meeting a professor on these stone steps? i keep getting left alone in this huge city.

this part of the dream is just text on a page. i’m telling you i’m pregnant, and you can barely respond. i am desperate to get a reaction, but you can’t seem to say anything. maybe you tell me that you can’t live with me.

some weird history about a girl coming from a concentration camp in memphis.. is that my character or someone else? her face is sunken, sun-baked, sad.

we go to a ridiculously fancy movie theatre. it’s very high up... lots of escaltors to get to our seats. beth ellers, my film professor, is the ticket taker. i ask her if the film is good, and i’m hoping for a rave review. she says it’s mediocre and pretentious, so i’m disappointed of course. i think we’re finally sitting together in the the theatre, but you’re hating the film so much, i think you might have left. someone owes us a favor or something. i pull small pieces of paper from a book or a corn husk looking thing and give t hem to this usher girl, who gives them to a large man in front of us and asks for a couple of blunts. the movie is going on... i feel like it’s just a stage and different musicians performing. one song-- a guy is covering bright eyes. the music is a guitar, but he’s prentending to play a piano. at first, he plays with the music but then he just gets totally off. random people start appearing from under the piano... playing different instruments?

i know there’s more, but i can get it back right now. this was the most complex, vivid dream i’ve had (or remembered) in a long time. would like to remember more... would like to learn more about how dreams work. perhaps this has something to do with being the first 8 or 9 hours of sleep i've gotten in a long time.

film & fox dream

after not getting in bed till 5am, getting woken up by vacuums and shit at 8 or something and not gonig back to sleep till 9:30 or 10..... a brief dream.


becca johnson video? she’s watching it, or she’s listening to something... or is she playing? i thought i spoke to her. “wasn’t this the first time you played this song? you always opened up with a new one.” trying to be friendly, but she’s cold.

talking to sean in a little room, worrying about my exam

we watch a weird movie-- great quality but really gross subject matter-- like a college video made by hollywood

at one point we’re untangling cords... i hope he doesnt think i’m incompenet as a fellow filmmaker

at one point i look out the window and see tom! i wave, and we exchange some words about getting together later. i feel like he is carrying a bunch of gear-- fishing? photography? backwoodsmandry? see you later.

i’m overexcited, i talk over sean a couple of times -- apologize

i’m freaking out about my exam, how is it not 2:30? i look out the window and see that the river has flooded over, it is a huge and unstoppable creature rushing away first giant logs and then hoards of cars, an ambulance. i try to explain to sean what i am seeing. we go outside, and the sky is dark. i check the time but it’s only 1:40.

location: the house feels like the only structure on a vast, green piece of earth. i reconcile that it’s my grandparents’ house. suddenly there’s all these dogs running by. my family appears to tell me that there’s a fox. clearly the dogs are after it. i see them from a high angle, a huge crowd running after one orange blob. they’re driving it into the river. one dog actually drowns the creature, and i feel a pang of remorse. my family says they hope the cats were hiding, and i’m not sorry anymore.



what happens next? i feel like tom is involved, but i dont think i actually see him. maybe i just blamed him in the deam because i knew he was downstream, and i can imagine him meddling. i’m walking outside to look for the cats when the fox jumps over a fence and lands right in front of me. i freeze, but he’s already seen me moving. he pins me to a tree or silo or something, standing on his hind legs. he is clearly an oversized dream fox, more like a massive dog than anything else. his face is covered with what looks like green spray paint and his eyes are milky white, practically unseeing. i assume that the green paint happened earlier during the chase somehow. i stay perfectly still under his paws, and he eventually walks away. i feel like i may have been a little roughed up from this, but it’s not important. i need to find my cats. but every time i move, the fox suddenly appears again. at one point i try calling out. there is a horrible agony the final time, when he gets a whiff of my pussy and sniffs for a loooong time, trying to find me out. finally, a couple of dogs rush by me, and the chase is on again. before i know it, i can’t even place the fox among the herd of canids. i think i start off to look for my cats again, and maybe morgan appears, but i’m startled into wakefulness and have to write my fucking literary analysis, but i’m freaked out so i wrote this instead. the end.

the pain in my chest is maddening

everyone is driving me NUTS! right now, i cant wait for college to be over.
today's horoscope on astro.com feels pretty accurate... if i can manage to do some actual school work tonight.

"This is a good influence for heavy mental work and for tasks that require disciplined thinking. Your critical faculties are sharp and your standards are high. However, you won't find it easy to communicate with others; either you will have difficulty being understood, or you will give a more negative impression than you intended. This is not a good time for important negotiations or business transactions because communications between you and the other parties will probably be delayed or misinterpreted. Also it will be difficult to make the right kind of positive impression in such a situation, so delay personal contact until another day. Today you are able to think very practically, but do not let this practicality turn into narrow-mindedness or a total lack of vision."

i'm sorry i have been absent. but it looks like i wont be back for a while. maybe over SPRING BREAK!?
wish me luck... i'm almost there!

listening to: madeline - i waited all day

mix it up

here's the tracklist for a mix i made for katherine. i picked out the songs over several months, but only took a day or two to organize them, and i don't think the flow is very good, so i guess it's sort of all over the place. but i hope that didnt detract from the music...

1) Gore Gore Girls - I'm Gonna Get You Yet
2) Rasputina - Brand New Key (Melanie cover)
3) The Magnetic Fields - Reno Dakota
4) Zoe Boekbinder - Funeral
5) The Dresden Dolls - The Jeep Song
6) Madeline - Nobody
7) Thao Nguyen - What About
8) Whispertown 2000 - Restless
9) Regina Spektor - Reading Time With Pickle
10) Daniel Johnston - Some Things Last a Long Time
11) Julie Doiron - Shivers + Crickets
12) Laura Veirs - July Flame
13) Smog - No Dancing
14) Matson Jones - Welcome Back Mr. Audiotechnica
15) Throwing Muses - Green
16) The Ditty Bops - Aluminum Can
17) Hurray for the Riff Raff - Grocery (live)
18) Jolie Holland - Wandering Angus
19) Larkin Grimm - Get Naked with Me (live)
20) Diane Cluck + Jeffrey Lewis - Travel Light
21) Alabama Sacred Harp Singers - Present Joys
22) Josephine Foster - Three Day Days
23) Mount Eerie with Julie Doiron - O My Heart
24) Adrian Orange - Save the World

i know you and i know you need someone to hold you all the time

Statement as of 12:08 am EST on January 30, 2010
A record daily snowfall of 11.0 inches was set at the Asheville regional Airport yesterday... January 29. This breaks the old record of 6.0 inches which was set in 1930.

so i'm fairly certain that this is the only snow-covered birthday i've ever had... i am sorta bummed to be stuck on campus with no wine and cheese or delicious dinner. luckily, the queer suite is throwing a small party for another girl's birthday! with wine and cheese and grapes and cake! her birthday is technically monday, but we can celebrate our aquarianness. and somehow i volunteered myself to be in charge of music, so people better dance to what i play!!
i just went back and read some different birthday posts from over the years of this blog, which was a little strange. what a life!
since i can't really do anything too exciting today, i'm just going to relax. right now that means taking a bath and possibly reading sense and sensibility although the light in the bathroom is terrible on my eyes. i sort of just want to lie down.

listening to: the blow - gravity (pauline's response to amy)

i love a new planner. i love my new slingshot and its fresh cleanness.

there are many things i could say. i will try to say a few of them.
the most important is that my cat is missing. he has been gone since wednesday and according to my parents' craigslist ad, it was a "very cold night." he has never wandered off for longer than a night before now. mom thinks someone thought he was beautiful and snatched him up because he didn't have any identification -- he has lost or destroyed every collar. somehow that doesn't seem very likely to me, and i am fearing the worst. although tomorrow i plan to go door to door with flyers, if i have time between preparing for england and spending time with friends, family, and my remaining cat (who seems to prefer willy's absence, not surprisingly).

listening to:

walking in a winter wonderland

A record snowfall of 6 inches was set at Asheville NC today. This
breaks the old record of 3.6 inches set in 1916. With additional
snowfall likely... the total for the day will increase. Another
statement will be issued after midnight with the updated total.

it snowed ALL DAY and it is STILL SNOWING. i have never experienced this before... i just want to hole up in my room like a cave and go to bed. but i have to drive home! in all this yuck! so many people today tried to leave and couldn't... my friend was stuck in traffic for about 6 hours coming back from the airport after her flight was canceled, and i watched a van trying to make it up a snowy hill, but it just kept sliding back. go back inside! to your little cave house! i wanted to say.
the stupid health center was closed, and i didn't know, so i walked all the way up there for nothing. i almost fell down on an icy bridge. then i fell down in the snow... i predict this will be the first of many this season.

well, today i rewrote the essay i lost. to be honest, this one might be better than the original because i wasn't delirious while writing it. but, i don't really care about the grade at all... i almost didn't rewrite it because i turned in the first essay and my professor just said "rewrite it by tomorrow if you have time" and that wasn't super motivational. i feel like i learned a lot in the class, and i guess it would be nice to get a grade that reflects that, even if my essay doesn't. ha! I'M JUST GLAD THIS STUPID SEMESTER IS OVER. it was probably my worst semester in turns of taking useless classes. and i will really be feeling it when i am taking so many important reqs next time. anyway, it hasn't really hit me yet that it done.

rum nog in my belly... mmmmmm. time to pack!!

MY PAPER.

HAS BEEN EATEN.


THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.


!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?1?1!??!?1?!?! can anyone troubleshoot me oh my god

things just haven't been the same

ever since my mother joined facebook. she doesn't think i check my email anymore, so she is learning how to "chatter" and she's always leaving little messages on my wall, or sending me stuff like this:

you know, lots of peoples loves hoodies. like with bands on them. you can order a hoodie t-shirt sweatshirt with some weirdo on it, and people would loves it sooooo muches.

that's the entire message, by the way. i almost don't even believe that this came from my mother, but last night we were facebook chatting about my inability to get people decent presents.
i can't stop laughing.

manifesto against paralyzed panic

calm down about this massive pile of work sitting in front of you. realize that most of it is not so important. it doesn't matter if you don't get all the details right. don't waste time on word choice and just say it. you have one week left of school; you should be happy. this energy would be better spent elsewhere. just get it done and go to sleep.

holy shit

does this link work for yall?

i am speechless.