Wednesday, October 12, 2005

No matter how much I drink, I can still make it up the three flights on your fire escape and crawl back home. And falling up the walls, out the window backwards to over there. I'm gone, with a changeling baby in my place. Hey tell me, is that allowed? A changeling for a changeling? Could you tell the difference? Well don't worry, I'll be back and she'll be gone, out the window backwards, down your fire escape.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Maybe if I bought more jeans. And gave my band t-shirts away to charity. Maybe then they would like me more or at least think I was normal. Although it's probably something that is sensed rather than bluntly seen. I will probably never pass that test. Not that I'd even want to.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Do you think Tide gets rid of tear stains? It's really no matter, I know the crowds I walk among can't see them on me. It's one of the only things belongs solely to me -- the count of my weeping, the travel of my sorrow, I miss you. It comes back to that, but doesn't boil down to it. The essence is actually questionable. I've always believed that everything has a purpose. And this whole mess feels like nothing more than a mess. Is this another test of our love's strength? I feel we've already mastered distance, though. Are we not designed to be close yet? Was our fated meeting early, and now it's getting fixed? Am I supposed to feel another painful autumn, winter? Is my purpose to feel pain? Am I supposed to be discovering my own strengths? I don't see how I can, I am nothing but dependent in this stage. I have no place in Memphis with my placeholders missing.

Monday, September 26, 2005

The sheer number of blank pages here is terrifying. I have decided to begin filling them since I can't fill my stomach. To have a conversation I can't, because I have no one to talk to. Isn't it supposed to be true that you appreciate art more when you're hungry because artists usually create when hungry? I've heard that, anyway. I am not an artist but maybe I can appreciate each word and letter more this way. I see blank pages to be filled. My life is empty. I came to school today after a weekend of play and couldn't even occupy myself for an hour and a half. I am now resigned to this aloneness; before I somehow thought I would make friends. Now I do not make the effort to smile as I pass people, my classmates, and I do not want to make eye contact. My ninth grade self again, it's true. A weekend of play, but not really pleasure. I don't know how to have a good time anymore, I guess. Stupidity overcomes me and I choke. I smile, I laugh, I answer, "I'm okay" and I do not tell the truth. I'm lying to everyone and you're the only one who notices. I don't understand why you listen when they don't, why you care, why you insist, why your wind blows a different tone. My jaw aches from clenching my teeth, my smile is a stretch of hell across my plagued face, I want no one to look at me. Baby, this is the truth. I love you, I do. I know it so certainly now. I can't think of anyone who understands me better, or who I would rather stay with until I can't stay anymore. We're not traditional, we like that. When I talk to you, I know we'll be okay, no matter what I'm saying or what you're thinking of me. I can keep it together long enough for us to be okay, I promise that. It's the fifth day of fall. It still feels like summer and I'm already fucking falling apart. In 3 weeks I'll be with you. Then 2 months after that. We'll be able to live together in a city above water soon? Tell me it can happen, that we can make it and do this biggest thing. I don't know how to live, but I know where I want to be. I'm sick of people looking at my thin bird legs, hairy and misshapen, short and unwilling. I stood in a full-length mirror for the first time in years, and I saw what my mother always said was true. My ankles, as thin as bird bones jutting out and setting off the balance in the poetry of a foot.
I owe her $12.50 thereabouts. I owe her apologies and words I don't have. Say. I could not find my place so easily among your cloudy breathren, the stairway to heaven is a dorm fire escape, and I am afraid of heights. I fucked up and got fucked up, I'm sorry. I felt alone when you were there, I'm sorry. Did I push you away? Did I embarrass you? Today is Monday. The weekend was a blur of smoke, stairs, and conversations that I had no place in. Should I have fallen off the fire escape? No, it was not far enough. What is far enough: the distance I have helped create between us. The silence in the noise without our voices together. The empty corner of a couch where we used to sit. I talk to your fringe dwellers, on the fringe where I belong. I see you from across a desert, tearless and aching to be fed. (At this time yesterday I was in your bed. You didn't want to cuddle me that night, and the night before I slept alone. Remember when we had innoence, when we spooned and traded secrets? Ballet moves on the carpeted floor? I miss these things and you.) The changes here are innumerable. I think I have ruined my prospects of ever fitting in again, I feel our group has been torn now truthfully -- look at all this separate change, we will never come together again. You love them more, just say. Say. In a world where I become my grandmother, where am I to find change? There's none in my pockets and I still owe you $12.50 so it would seem I'm in a bind. Bound by time and place restrictions, bound down to the thick pavement of Memphis ground. My boots hit hard each block of pavement, this is all I can do not to cry. I read about history and write about movies. There is no solace here when the day ends, I have nothing new except the count of tears in my well, just waiting. I don't shed tears in front of people on the bus, in the classroom, on the walk home, on the phone, or even in my bed these days. I know that I'm crying but no one else does -- they can't see what isn't there. I keep smiling. I say I'm doing well, my classes challenge me, I have made friends. These could not be bigger lies. All I want is to share this, what they all have that I have been denied. Is nature trying to scream to me? Go back, this was not meant for you. This happiness was not yours to know.
Maybe I'll see him on the next train, I'm dying to skip this town. I know what and where happiness hides. I will make it one day. Baby, please wait. I am coming.
i woke up without reason to smile. i tried; i was even saying hello to strangers. little good it did me now with no hope and no soul. i yell at my father, feel nothing. push my boots firm on each block of pavement, a rush to the head. fill me stone kill me clean. i stay on track, but i don't get what i almost had. happiness evades me like tomorrow, i have done it wrong. there's no money in my pocket and i continue to make small terrible mistakes. i didn't call. i did. i fell asleep. i fell off a building. i spoke. i didn't. whatever is said and done, i'm still wrong, still unhappy, still can't drive, still not free. it's the lesson i missed although i emulate it rather well when i think no one's looking. prick me where he left whole flesh. sink the stickers in. before the prince could cut the thorns down, sleeping me jumped in.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

What is hurts, my love-a-dee?
Could it be this bad treaty?
We sued but still we got no peace
We take what we get on our knees
I stand you up with my hands on your hips
But still you sway, as curved as roses there
My mission was heavier than it was right
Like trees, we crash and tear
Our song inherent in the bad wind
Whistling through the tipsy limbs
Nothing stays, we’re trapped again
We learn only how to sin
I rattle the bones hung round my neck
Pull out my hair and call the dead
My marriage to this giant bends without a break
There’s sickness stuck in what I’m fed
I want back everything I lost
I take back everything I said
I have not changed, I’m still the same
I still hide in a shoebox under my bed
But please can’t I begin again?
I promise to do it right
I want to feel the flow of peace
To find a home tonight
Show me again the old red road
There’s nothing for me here
I learned to accept that what is just is
I’ve swallowed lies and beer
It’s getting colder with each flame
Can you come back inside?
I want to feel that warmth again
It’s better when I cry

Monday, June 06, 2005

REFUGE protest

this morning we protested outside of a place called Refuge, organzed by a group called Love In Action. we're going back every day this week and every day next week, and you should join us. for more information, morgan jon fox's livejournal is all you need. please help! if you want to get email updates, just send a message to cale at boylikeme@gmail.com.
and watch us on the news tonight!!!!

Monday, May 30, 2005

celebration

to celebrate the recent purchase of the life aquatic by the stewart-jacobs family, we will be conducting a wes anderson night. it will take place either at lauren henry's house or my own humble abode. we own the royal tennenbaums and the life aquatic on dvd and rushmore on tape, but if you can bring that or bottle rocket on dvd, we would be much obliged. let me know if you're interested in coming.
p.s. earlier this year, meg and i wanted to have this same party and serve food that's eaten in wes anderson movies. i was sitting here thinking and i have fucking clue what gets eaten in wes anderson movies. any clues?

Monday, May 09, 2005

it's time to love your monkey

mix made for me by brandon. just got it in the mail, and i'm posting the track list for easy access. you don't have to pay attention.

01) dave dean - ???
02) eagles of death metal - bad dream mama
03) ???
04) ian dury and the blockheads - you're more than fair
05) bob marley - nice time
06) the beatles - i will
07) kimya dawson - you love me
08) liliput - you did it
09) of montreal - so begins our alabee
10) clinic - come into our room
11) the flaming lips - take meta mars
12) iggy pop - the passenger
13) sleater-kinney - i wanna be yr joey ramone
14) throwing muses - him dancing
15) richard hell and the voidoids - i'm your man
16) al green - let's stay together
17) t. rex - mambo sun
18) the moldy peaches - jorge regula
19) matty popchart - ???
20) devendra banhart - the electric heart

Thursday, May 05, 2005

show on friday may 6!

SCANDALIZ VANDALISTZ and LIGHTAJO live at the Full Moon Club (upstairs of Zinnie's East at 1718 Madison Ave)
visit our myspace pages to hear what we sound like:
Scandaliz Vandalistz
Lightajo
Doors open at 8
Music at 8:30
Support Memphis music!!

Saturday, April 23, 2005

you might even see a murder

well, everyone, the year will soon be closing, and before it does i have to make the LAST CALL FOR CD SWAP. it's doing really well. check it. now, there are some of you who said you'd participate but never turned in a list of what you've got. if you're still up for it, i want it now!! for those of you who think that what you've got isn't anything amazing, seriously. let us be the judge of that. plus it helps to have duplicates so one person doesn't end up with a huge burden (like me. ahahah.) so please reconsider playing with us, and DO IT UP, BABY.
email me your list. yes.

listening to: marcy playground - the vampires of new york

Thursday, April 21, 2005

i ain't had much to live for...

yesterday was the greatest:
  • music videos
  • clickity clank and rooftop workers
  • walk to Sonic
  • toaster sandwich! (makes any day worth living)
  • coin change at Kroger
  • sidewalk chalk attack!
  • good deed at the gas station (i turned in a purse i found in the bathroom)
  • talked to a very interesting schizophrenic woman
  • coke icee all the way
  • drive to and escape from Cordova
  • Shelby Farms swings (spider, baby.)
  • see. saw. panties.
  • return to home base for the missing pieces (bass guitar)
  • drive through Overton to ogle at stoners
  • grassy Starbucks knoll
  • howard vance drop-off
  • quick gas station stop for sodas and candy
  • am i a celebrity or something?
  • sneak into the cemetary (very inconspicuous)
  • art critique of jesus's life and bling cave
  • crystal shrine grotto debasement
  • discussion of the credibility and vitality of the tree bench
  • jesus's life is even better a second time
  • wander through the mausoleum (there was a body out)
  • hide and seek
  • play around on the top of mausoleum (it is a hill)
  • modeling sessions
  • rooftop scene scouting
  • cordova attack!
  • Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and too much popcorn
  • nachoooooos
  • i love lauren and john

WHY IS THIS WEEK SO LONG?

listening to: violent femmes - gimme the car

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

days gone by

this picture is the proof that i belong in new orleans:

Originally uploaded by PickMeRalph.

i honestly can't believe this was only TWO AND A HALF weeks ago. it feels like forever.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

over the brainless chattering null set

friday's hamlet screening preview was a technical nightmare. but everyone still managed to have fun. thanks to each of the kids who came over to my house afterwards. although you were an awkward grouping, it was good times and i like all of you.
saturday involved rehearsal, dinner with some of my favorite people at memphis pizza cafe, and random time spent in houses. 3 and a half hours of music video watching. 16 D batteries. and a BIG FUCKIN ROACH. WITH BIG FUCKIN WINGS. at that point, you know you must go to bed.
today was (unconsciously) feminist activism day. who fucking knew? it was only spring, we were only aiming to have a good time. honking horns weren't the aim of short strappy dresses... although, admittedly, the strange eye make up did get its fair share of stares from the people of otherlands, java cabana, young avenue deli, wild oats, home depot, our own voice theatre troupe, and chuck munter. when kimberly said, "is this supposed to be some sort of feminist statement?" we took a moment to look down at our rather exposing outfits. woopsy daisy!! i'm innocent, i swear.

listening to: 50 foot wave - pneuma

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Friday, April 15, 2005

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

after today, my aquarian brain will be clear! goodbye, neptune. let's have an unclouding. bring your coursebooks, decline letters, anything pertaining to this whole college mess... we will get excited!

Sunday, April 10, 2005

it brought peace to my mind in the summertime

yesterday was completely awesome!!!!!!!! WEVL went really well. i just listened to the tape my parents made, and we sounded really good. i'm pretty irritating when i speak, but whatever. we kept giggling like the wholesome kiddies we are. i think a lot of people heard it, though. (did you? please let us know! we grow curiouser and curiouser.) the people were so sweet, and took pictures for us. they're going to send as a CD copy of the show too, which i may be able to turn into mp3s. rawk.

Scandaliz Vandalistz and Rebecca at WEVL
Originally uploaded by elevatorlady.


after that, we wandered around South Main and ate at a sports bar called The Green Beetle. ahhaha.
we got to Jay Etkin Gallery around 6:15 to set up and watch people arrive. we made silly artwork, listened to the drum circle, and greeted guests. we played at 8:30 and our set lasted longer than we expected! impressive. the crowd was really receptive and awesome. (by the way, if anyone has comments about the set or pictures to share, please email them to scandalizvandalistz@gmail.com.) the whole fundraiser was awesome and we raised over $1,000. i'm really proud of SV for being so great and OOV for getting so many people downtown. thanks so much, everyone who came. and special thanks to those of you who bought the silly art in the auction... you're awesome. the other two bands who played were equally great. Lightajo, zak's new band, asked us to play another show with them sometime, and Cale LeFevre played some really beautiful songs. again... thanks thanks thanks. you're all great

listening to: jane's addiction - summertime rolls