stick it to the m-a-n, man

anyone want to drive to houston to see modest mouse on the three-day weekend? of course you do. now if you WILL, it's another story. ho hum. i tried. had a nice weekend. a lot of at-home time that didn't bother me. i got a lovely knit hat from brittany in the mail. what a great birthday present! it's so soft and nice. friday was a half day. i learned a LOT sitting in the gym while the beauty pageant happened on the other side of the school. puhlease. i can't say enough about how much i hate that bullshit. so brock and i people-watched (trevor, where are you?) until jeff wagner introduced himself to us. after school, sallis, katherine, brett, eileen, lena, and i went to (east) memphis pizza cafe. i love that shit. then sallis, brett, and i had milkshakes at java. mine was cinnamon and, of course, glorious. then sallis took me home and i sat around. brett showed up at our house right before we left for the play. i got a chai at starbucks. mom got coffee so that she could stay awake for the play haha. she didn't even get to see it, though, because she had to run the house and didn't want to come in late. it was fun though, i had a nice time. afterwards no one could decide what to do, so we just danced at theatreworks for a long time. i came home and bumbled. on saturday i had a hummus pita and a grilled cheese for lunch with my lovely mother. in fact, i bumbled quite a lot. at 5:45 brett came over and we bumbled simultaneously. finally we called brock to make him decide what to do. he was about to see finding neverland with alice, so we showed up for that, although we couldn't sit with them because we got there so late. the movie was good although brett and i nearly starved to death. and then, of course, alice and brock had already eaten, so we starved some more. we then drove to theatreworks in the rain and, after (to brett's dismay) some dancing, we got together a group of 11 people and walked over to ihop. when i discovered that over half of our company wasn't going to eat, i ordered THE BIG BASIC to make up for it. despite everything, our waiter was very sweet and patient, and we had a lovely time. then i came home and bumbled. a late night phone call made me happy. today was nothing at all, i've forgotten it. except for spending two hours at the library hanging out with lauren d, my favorite person. we got chais and she checked out some books from the classics section, for fun. it was nice and we didn't even attempt the math project. ho ho ho. nothing else happened. june bug ate my fucking shoe, and chewed up some computer cables so now we only have the internet on one computer. DESPAIR. proving thoughts are cyclic, i've again been thinking about how much i hate fake shit. especially when people pull that stuff. it has just been bothering me more than normal. almost everything seems forced, even most music that i usually like. so mostly i can only listen to pixies and kristin hersh. in an attempt to better my world and yours, i ask you to PLEASE DON'T BE FAKE AROUND ME. for one thing, i can't handle it anymore. it's really trying on my emotions, to be constantly puzzling over what people actually think about me. the past few months have been rough sailing, partly because of that. i don't want to be someone who's super concerned with what people think about me, but i'd like to be certain that my friends like me. when i don't feel like my friends like me, things are not good. if you don't like me, go away. that's something i can deal with on my own. actually i'd rather have no friends than false friends. it's a really sad thing to witness... i guess in a lot of groups there's someone people don't really like, and just keep them around. everybody's too fucking insecure. anyway i know that i'm a really irritating person, so i guess i don't really need that pointed out so much as i need people not to pretend i'm not. if that makes any sense. mm i want community, not selfishness. i just want reality, nothing false anymore. as keats once gushed, "beauty is truth, truth beauty." i used to have a big purple button that said "beauty is truth" but it broke. i loved that pin. i tried to keep the pieces, but i lose everything. ooh i just found an arrowhead in the deep clay dirt of the computer desk. is that lucky?

still ain't got no driver's license

to blog... is pain. agowpihgpwohei. i figured i'd update because i find myself strangely lacking in things to do. i'm sure it's a lie. tomorrow is queen of clubs, plotted perfectly on a half day. so we have no class. so i have no homework. i finished frankenstein. it is a good book. i recommend poetry by adrienne rich. i recommend "the score" by fugees. i recommend listening to minnie proctor's new mp3s. and while i'm at it, i should go ahead and plug our BEAUTIFUL cd swap site by mentioning how well it's going. especially the big list which i finished messing with last night. if you haven't sent me your list, please do it. because i love you. and to those of you who know about the site and have already made some requests, don't worry. i'm on it.

listening to: themselves - paging dr. moon or gun

i hate you, blog.

i guess only a little bit. i've been busy doing nothing this weeek.... sort of i just didn't want to write a detailed post about my birthday so i avoided it and i'm not going to. but i had a GREAT GREAT GREAT time and thanks to everyone who showed up. i got some amazing gifts (ohhh thank you), ate a lot of cakes, smoked some nice cigars, and generally indulged in happiness. this week has been okay. i'm still alive thanks to the thoughts of margaret and meg's no judgement day party tonight. YES!
CD exchange is in full swing. thanks to everyone who's brought copies of their list around. laylee had a brilliant idea that this would work much better online, so here is what we have so far. if your name doesn't have a link on it, please email me a copy of your list sometime soon. and test out the search engine, take a look around. who knew so many people owned "jagged little pill?" anyway. i'm excited. let me know if you have any trouble or if i can change the site in any helpful way.
i had another paragraph planned but i forgot what it was going to say. so here it is.

drawn up in lights

i got accepted to loyola!!! last night i was on their website trying to figure out when i would know and trying not to start looking too soon. and today as we were walking towards the house, there was a big envelope and i was like "haha maybe it's my loyola letter" and it totally was. so. that was a nice way to start the afternoon.
then morgan and foot sang that scary song about "peanut peanut butter and jelly and jelly" to me. i cry.
now they have kicked me out because they are working on a project, and i'm probably going to work on my cd list some more. i hope you are all doing the same! there's no more option, everyone MUST participate in the mega cd swap. or i come to your house and take everything.
tonight we might go to young avenue deli, and i hope we do. i'm not even hungry, but oh i will be.

listening to: tori amos - glory of the 80s

i heard you drove a silvery sports car

today was pretty good for a monday. but any day that i get two tests pushed back and only go to three and a half classes is awesome. we had a speaker, edward mitchell, who was one of the first men to walk on the moon. and now he does this stuff called noetic sciences about humanity's collective consciousness, basically. it was pretty interesting, and i liked him. he said some good things. it was too bad that so many people slept through it, but i guess it can't be helped. i had a headache for a large portion of the idea, but i MADE chai when i came home (katherine and i bought some tazo mix from starbucks on saturday) and i am now headache-free. ah the joys of living. right now i should be writing my research paper, like always, but of course i am not. oh well. i'm hoping that last year will repeat itself, and when i sit down to do this shit, it'll sort of flow and i'll end up really enjoying myself. i do like papers. and i finally fixed my thesis to something that i like, so it should all just sort itself out now. hope hope hope.

listening to: bandits - catch me

you know you can follow my voice

between picnics, movies, quesadillas, and late late nights, i have had a nice weekend. so that is nice. i don't really have time to elaborate, what with research paper shit being due tomorrow. woe, woe is me. instead, i will use this time (while this article on the sense of nonsense prints) to introduce the brilliant MEGA CD SWAP. that is brock's title, it's a little inaccurate. but whatever.
WHAT TO DO:
1) Create a list of ALL your CDs. Even the really shitty ones. No lying or false advertising. (You can put your siblings' stuff too, if you'd like. Mine is an all-encompassing Stewart-Jacobs family catalog.)
2) Slap your name on it, make some copies (please try to conserve paper), and pass those babies out to whoever wants one.
3) Collect everyone else's CD lists, write your name on them, and highlight the albums that are yearning to belong in your collection.
4) Return the highlighted list and the appropriate number of blank CDs to the list's owner.
5) When you get your own lists back, burn away. Love illegality. Track lists would be helpful but are not required.
6) Exchange. Listen. Weep.

you are all invited to participate. because i want as much shit as i can get my hands on. if you're interested, let me know so that i know how many copies to make of these things. or, you can distribute your list via email if that works better for you. also, if you're borrowing any CDs from participating kiddies, be sure to return them so that they can get their lists together. any questions? thank you, i love you, good night.

listening to: tommy gnosis - wicked little town

oh, hey

HOW IS IT SO GOOD?????

listening to: tracy + the plastics - what you still want

you always were a queer one from the start

yesterday i didn't blog or get on AIM at all, and i went to sleep at 11:30. do i feel like i accomplished more? fuck's sake, no. i just piddled around doing OTHER nonsense things, like eating junk food with sara and reloading the same web pages over and over. i spent forever and ever and EVER doing ridiculously stupid physics work just so that i could get an easy 100 homework grade to make up for the test i fucked up today. then i read "the rime of the ancient mariner" for english class. it's a silly poem, i like it. then i started reading "alice's adventures in wonderland," which i finished in class today. it is nice. and i'm glad to have a better understanding for the writing of my research paper, which will take place this weekend. moan moan. i hope i can make my thesis work right. brett, can i get my books back soon? thank you.
this week is faster than i could've imagined, but i've been silly and really nonchalant about school. and everything else. but it's been nice. does anyone want to help me make the weekend nice?
i love music.

listening to: belle and sesbastian - expectations

i disappear! i disappear!

today was too long. i had two tests i'd completely forgotten about. my research paper research doesn't exist. i'm trying to stay silly. that is all.

listening to: frente! - jungle

you are asleep

I AM GOING TO BE SO STRONG.
i am gritting my teeth in preparation for the battle ahead. everything will turn out great. alone means nothing. i don't care about everyone who doesn't care. i hate all humanity. die die die die die or at least leave me in peace.
i have to find a bubble.
why am i posting this.

listening to: placebo - bulletproof cupid

a symphony that's you

i hate having to update when it's been a long time. i hate catching up. so this is what you are going to get:
i had a really good week.
now that that's over with.... i am so fucking stuffed full of curry turkey pita. sweet godddddd. morgan and i are more full this weekend than we ever are because our parents are in boston. sarah is staying with us, and we go out for every meal. what the hell else would we spend the weekend money on? well it is nice. i'm not used to so much food, though. on friday we saw the life aquatic again. i think i can safely say that IT IS EVEN BETTER A SECOND TIME. if you haven't gone, you are missing out. last night we saw the house of the flying daggers, and it was not so good. maybe i am really picky. but the plot was ridiculous. there were some pretty visuals, i guess... i liked the choreographed fight sequences, but that's about it. it was pretty silly. but i think it's necessary for me to see a silly movie once in a while so that i can remember they exist. i am spoiled rotten sometimes.
also. i know i've talked about it before, but recently i have not really had a chance to RAVE about how much i love last.fm. i encourage all of you to go get an account on it so that i can stalk you and look at what you're listening to. and you can stalk me.
i'm a loser.

listening to: kings of convenience - love is no big truth

you and me will be whirlwinds of danger

wriggle.
forgive me if i don't post much this week.
today is too long for me to be writing now.
i must flee.

listening to: kimya dawson - nobody's hippie

i sleep with one hand on my heart

WOOHOO I'VE SENT IT IN SIX COLLEGE APPLICATIONS! i am very proud. it took me fucking long enough to get them in. but whatever, it's done and i'm happy. now i just have to write two more essays and i'll be rolling in daisies. hoorah, hoorah.
katherine better win the scholastic writing competition.
today was fucking awful. many things were said. but everything worked out, i think. things happened that needed to happen. things were accomplished. the day is finally over, and i am so glad. this week will be better.

listening to: throwing muses - no way in hell

it's too warm inside your hands

friday was great. ada came to senior out to lunch at atlanta bread company with alice, brock, katherine, laylee, and me. the place was a bad idea, but it was pretty fun being loud and irritating to the east memphis stiffies. we screamed about sex and drugs. after school brock and i went to starbucks then davis-kidd to hang out with margaret. we called alice but she decided she didn't want to hang out. ada met us there, we spent forever standing in the cold parking lot trying to keep warm. fire and ice, babies. we made plans to see tarah, and in the meantime went to visit sick laylee at her house. we ate ice cream and looked at baby pigs. ada called LA for the second time that night, but she also pulled out. nothing was really going the way we'd planned, and i thought ada would be irritated, but she was not. which i am glad for. anyway, ada, brock, and i left for tarah's but on the way she called us and said something had come up but she'd call us when it was over. we wasted time and money at sonic, but listened to good music. stopped by my house for a bit. brock had to go home, so me and ada went driving. tarah never called, so we ended up outside atlanta bread company again smoking cigars. margaret called and said they'd missed their movie, and shortly thereafter, she, christie, and elizabeth joined the party. elizabeth couldn't stay long, and the rest of us went to ck's for a quick cup of coffee. christie had to get home, but margaret invited ada and i to come hang out at her house for a while. we cuddled up in her lovely room and talked for hours. we all lost track of time, for sure. ada finally dropped me off at home around 4:30, and at that exact moment my cell phone started ringing. my dad had discovered that i was not in bed. i made up some weird lie about being outside and talking on the phone. i'm not sure he bought it, but he didn't bring it up today, so i'm not worried. this morning i woke up at like 11:30. had some pasta. watched a lord of the rings special feature with morgan and mom. talked on the phone for a little bit. took a shower. went back to bed until like 6:15, at which point i ate some backyard burger. dad got me a cheeseburger. it was a cooked burger with grated cheese sitting on the top. unfathomable. then morgan and i went to the american musical review at our school to see newman in all his magical glory. i am totally in love with him. in contrast, everything else about it was very shitty and high school as expected. everyone was either showing off or just boring to watch. i spent a lot of the time laughing silently to myself. no offense to anyone in it or anyone who enjoyed it-- it's nearly impossible to have a good high school show, and i'm super critical about them for some reason. almost everything about those things pisses me off, from stoned, self-important techies to selection of songs to irritating people in the audience. oh man i can't help it. afterwards, dad picked me up. we had to drive duncan home. i like her. i watched yellow submarine with my parents. it is not anywhere near being the best beatles movie, and this time i enjoyed it less than i ever have before. i guess i was just in a really critical mood tonight. oh well. then i talked to brandon on the phone a while. i meant to go to bed right afterwards but look at this. here i am. i've already brushed my teeth and everything. sometimes i wonder why i keep this stupid blog, it just wastes my time and yours. now don't you feel silly for spending all that time reading this silly thing? yes you do. good night.

listening to: sleater-kinney - turn it on

smoke that tumbleweed

who drew the best research paper topic EVER? oh it's me.
"Sense and nonsense in Lewis Carroll's Jabberwocky and Alice in Wonderland."
fuckin a! oh yeah! i am really excited about it. i hope i can focus on it and be good.
in psychology, DJ, who graduated last year, came and talked for the full goddamn hour about being a student at univeristy of georgia. i learned so much psychology, it was amazing. who knew that georgians were white and republican? not me. i'm being dicky, it was pretty interesting. but really badly timed. the rest of the day was okay. school this week has been okay, which means pretty good, considering that everything's usually unbelievably bad. so i am in a good mood.
ALTHOUGH I TOOK ANOTHER FUCKING NAP TODAY AND SLEPT PAST 7 SO NOW I MISSED THE DAMN SCHOOL MUSICAL. I AM SO SORRY NEWMAN AND EILEEN. I'LL COME ON SATURDAY OR OSMETHING. I AM SORRY.

listening to: afroman - colt 45

singing songs till morning comes

today psychology was a nice nap. i wish i cared. ada showed up in school halfway through our lunch. she makes me incredibly happy. she is going to come with us for senior out to lunch on friday because she's just that lame. which i love. and hopefully after school we'll hang out and watch harold and kumar. if she makes other plans i will be sad. on thursday night i think i will go to the musical review at school to watch newman be adorable.
katherine, morgan, and i had lemongrass chicken and noodle thingies at pho saigon after school. it was nice. katherine has broken her fast. my fortune cookie was brilliant. it said, "a surprise treat awaits you." in bed. i am very excited.
i definitely didn't do any work yesterday, and i was supposed to catch up this afternoon, but i have an awful headache so i think i'll take a nap. woops!

listening to: cowboy junkies - blue guitar

living out of a box

today we want back to school. the first two classes were so fucking long. i don't know why i'm still alive after that bullshit. but english was nice because ms. wyatt brought us tea, and we might possibly be starting something interesting in psychology. of course, this is no cause for me to be doing any of my homework right now. instead i have piddled around all day. i had an oreo sonic blast, went to therapy, took a shower, bumbled. the usual. i guess i should go do something. and finish my college applications one day. why do all my posts read like this? everyone should go see the life aquatic because it's amazing. and has great music. i have a heart-shaped hole in my thumb.

listening to: liz phair - johnny sunshine

i'm a computer

taking a break from college applications, i remembered my true and undying love for these babies. thank god for cheap humor and the internet.

i want this to read like a letter

HAPPY NEW YEAR.
we got home a few hours ago. i opened the blogger window and stared blankly. now here i am again attempting to speak.
jackson was nice and awkward as usual, but it only lasted 1.3 days. alma, georgia and its inhabitants are the same as ever, too, but i had a better time than i usually do. i wonder why that is. i've decided i'm exaggerating. at least it leaves me with a nice memory. you can see pictures by my cousin rachel, morgan, and i at this location shortly.
i hope all you babies are having a great break.

listening to: weeping tile - in the road

hey dude

this is just a hello from my cousins' computer. i am in georgia. the sun is setting and the reflection in the not-pond is very pink and lovely. i'm alive. so are you. i hope everyone is having a great holiday break and will continue to do so. they're stealing me.

listening to: shitty madtv for some ungodly reason

have fun with my family and friends

the minnie proctor show last night was amazing. maybe i can post a little bitty sound clip of it for you later since so many people missed it. i'll have to ask for some permission though. and it depends on how my little files came out.
this morning my family celebrated christmas because we're leaving town later this afternoon. even if it didn't feel much like christmas, the night before was sort of normal. i crawled in bed around 1:15, couldn't sleep, phone call from 1:45 to 3:20, couldn't sleep until maybe 4, and then only got about 3 hours. woke up freezing cold and harassed the parents until they got out of bed. it was nice and classic. i made out with new pajamas, nail clippers, a beaded purse, a cLOUDDEAD album, frank black francis, the yeah yeah yeahs dvd, a russian movie i've never heard of called house of fools, and a muthafuckin laptop. hell yes. i am very happy about these things. and now i'm uber-hyper.
check out this creepy shit... stalkers scare me.

listening to: the moldy peaches - i wanna be a hulkamaniac

i wanna have all the toys

tonight is the minnie proctor show at the full moon club, in the upstairs of zinnie's east on madison. if you can manage to escape your house, come witness the mad skillz of becca, hunter, and paul. i recommend it. risk your life to support the music.

listening to: ringo starr - i wanna be santa claus

he move me and the chains changed

today is nothing but ice and misery. i'm trying to make myself work on applications, but i'm a whiny baby and i need someone to hold my hand and tell me what to say. i've been avoidantly making charts to look like i've accomplished something and tittering through things i've already finished. when i stop caring altogether, i snack on wheat thins stacked with monterey jack cheese, sip some DP, and listen to kristin hersh. i've become enthralled (again) with her early Muses work. i live in cycles. we used to be funny. one day we'll find it again.

listening to: throwing muses - cry baby cry

slide slide slippity slide

who the fuck knew chan marshall could sing r&b style hip hop? man. i'm impressed with this song... but it's true that i'm either going to marry prince paul or dan the automator. it's just obvious now.

listening to: handsome boy modeling school feat. cat power - i've been thinking

just the way the operation made me

i am eating cheez-its. i love cheez-its.
today was difficult but i bought a chai. it wasn't as good as normal. that's too bad.

listening to: the dresden dolls - girl anachronism

cmon back to me right now

it's really late. my chest aches, and i should sleep. i should finish christmas presents and shopping. i should be doing my college applications. i should finish this dr pepper.
i hate everything.
we finally got our christmas tree today. mom even started the ornaments. dad put some lights up outside too while i ate grilled cheese. LA, laylee, alice, and wenli picked me up around 1 to go get-up shopping at victoria's secret in peabody place. nobody could find anything that fit except for alice. how depressing is that when you go to a store that supposedly specialize in all that mess, and only one in five people can even wear the damn sizes. that settles it. i'm only wearing custom-made bras from now on.
i bought a chai at starbucks. soon i'll implode.
we went into some clothes store that depressed me. i'm really no good at being a girl, although it was nice to pretend for a few minutes today and talking about girly things all afternoon at chick-fil-a. one day i'll either learn or just give up entirely.

listening to: the breeders - do you love me now?

i am good enough for someone

i was late to the yuletide extravaganza because i'm a mess, and i didn't find a real ride. so i bummed with mouse and morgan to the paradiso where they were seeing a movie and then walked to alice's house. i missed the entire concert part. i did get a couple bagel bites during the after party though. katherine drove me home. we blasted "killing in the name of" and looked hot and punk-ass in our formal wear. then we watched ashlee simpson music videos. what is life?
i figured i would post the rodent carols just for old time's sake. and by that, i mean i want to come back and laugh at them in a year.

to the tune of The Christmas Song, aka Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire
Hamsters singing in a rodent choir
I didn't know your mother sews
Yet on each paw, there's a glove made of straw
Cold hamsters... we are

Hamsters stacking up the Yule-logs higher
Or else we will soon be froze
The sticks are a-burnin', but soon we will be learnin'
Not to stand too close to a fire.

Hamsters toasting at an open fire
We feel danger coming close
Move out of the way or a price we will pay
AAAGHHHHHHH, oh no.

Hamsters roasting on a funeral pyre
We are feeling rather poached
Flames lick my fur as I turn to ember
I'm a goner....
I'm toast.


to the tune of O Little Town of Bethlehem
O little mouse of Bethlehem
Tempted by the brie
Satan's wish did lure you in
Under the Christmas tree

As you were getting closer,
You saw the darker side
You thought you ordered a soul mate
You got a mail order bride

O little mouse of Bethlehem
O so sadly decieved
The Christmas spirit is gone away
No longer in pine leaves

But before you turn to druid
You must look closer now
I see a sticky fluid
Flowing from evergreen boughs

O Hallelujah, Hallelujah
This tree is for real!
It's not plastic or operatic
It's not a Wal-Mart deal

Drawn by tree of knowledge
O you can have it all!
It smelled good from over here
But that was Eve's downfall

O little mouse of Bethlehem
You finally found the source
The cheese is now within your grasp
A fitting final course

THE TRAP IS SLOWING CLOSING
ENCROACHING ON YOUR TAIL
WHILE OTHER JUDGES MIGHT BE KIND
THIS TRIP WON'T ACCEPT BAIL
*SNAP!*

listening to: throwing muses - solar dip

i'm in the fire

school's finally out but nothing feels different. at least not yet. we took our last exams today, then alice, brock, and i went to starbucks where i had my millionth chai. brock went home feeling sick, i came home to sink into a sleep. however katherine called and saved me. we talked on the phone before she came over and we just hung out a while. seeing her is so great, and i am so lucky to have such a great friend. then we went to dinner with my family at bosco's. having katherine there was a nice addition to the conversation. we're a silly family at restaurants, i guess. my mom told ridiculous baby stories and got loud and hysterical. i love it. and i love creme brulee. we came home, and katherine and i wrote some silly rodent-themed parodies of christmas songs which will be performed tomorrow at the yuletide extravaganza at alice's house at 2pm. be there babies.

listening to: pj harvey - snake

The higher he's a-getting

i just got home from studying english with katherine. she is a flatterer. i don't mind because i love her company. i have my last two exams tomorrow and i obviously should be studying right now. english won't be too bad, but i'm worried about government. whatev, mang. gather ye rosebuds and shit.

feel so tongue-tied

i should be studying. whyyyyyy can't i get up?

listening to: radiohead - myxomatosis

just keep telling me

school's almost out. things will be good soon (hahahahhahhahhahaahahahahahhahaha)
i hope i pass my exams.

religious kodak moment

so i just went to church for the first time in years. how awkward. now i feel like i have to cleanse myself.

listening to: cLOUDDEAD - son of a gun

you should be here with me

well at least i have my chai now. and little else. i don't remember why i wanted to post, but i've had the damn box open for 15 minutes. ACT is over, thank god. now all i have to worry about is my exams. not that i was worrying about ACT... whatever. i want to see a movie. maybe i'll go the machinist later.
i miss living.

listening to: darlene love - christmas (baby please come home)

tell me

today i went to ck's after school with allison, lauren, christie, elizabeth, brock, brett, and katherine. everyone was going to the library afterwards but i decided to come home early and take a nap. at 9:15 my mother called my cell phone, woke me up, and started to lecture me about how i need to call home when i'm out that long. the ridiculous thing is that both she and dad walked through the room where i was asleep and didn't see me at all. go figure. so now i'm awake and i don't want to be. it means i SHOULD be studying for ACT, rather than "oh i fell asleep, what could i do?" even though i should've been studying for this shit for weeks. i've never taken it before, and i really don't know what to expect. oh well. i guess there's nothing i can do now, and i will just do my best tomorrow. i probably won't do very well but i can't bring myself to care. is anyone else taking it? i want chai tea.

the rotten one

it's kind of nice that five people commented on the post i made yesterday afternoon, considering that i don't post anymore. i figured nobody would see that shit for weeks. i apologize for those of you who have continually loaded this page over the past few weeks and found nothing. there have been some crazy things going on (the blues ball, thanksgiving break, hellfire and damnation...) that i have avoided blogging about. for reasons unknown to me and all the world. anyway i don't know why i'm posting since i should be doing my physics project hahahaahahahahahah good night.

no excuses

i hate life. blogging is not only too difficult, it's really pointless right now. maybe later...?

wish you were here. wish i was too.

compiled for me by brandon. posting the tracks so that i can get together a playlist. you don't have to pay attention.

01) the roches - damned old dog
02) kristin hersh - flipside
03) throwing muses - civil disobedience
04) the white stripes - the air near my fingers
05) richard cheese - feeling this
06) cake - where would i be?
07) the beatles - blue jay way
08) the breeders - drivin' on 9
09) kristin hersh - silica
10) the white stripes - truth doesn't make a noise
11) pj harvey - send his love to me
12) weezer - holiday
13) the beatles - all together now
14) talking heads - thank you for sending me an angel
15) talking heads - stay hungry
16) sleater-kinney - turn it on
17) the breeders - do you love me now?
18) adam green - times are bad
19) beck - atmospheric conditions
20) cat power - colors and the kids
21) billie holiday - he's funny that way
22) squirrel nut zippers - wished for you
23) janis joplin - little girl blue

i'm going to marry dr. bob.

high in the middle

today has been very difficult. but it had to happen, and i am sort of glad that it did. now all i want is sleep but i've got pounds of homework and oodles of eggnog to drink.

we gotta blow up those things we don't understand

look out for classic alanna weekend post. starting now!
friday: school went surprisingly well. brock was out of town, on a college visit in boston. we had senior out-to-lunch, so katherine, alice, laylee, sallis, and i went to atlanta bread company, where there were surprisingly no other white station kids. laylee ordered for me, and i love her. we talked about college, which doesn't bother me anymore. i don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. we then went to ck's for the world's fastest dessert and had to zoom back to school to make it on time. of course we hit every red light and screamed the whole way back to school. i'm convinced that our excitement is what got us back to class on time. i then had to take a math test which i feel like i did really well on. so i probably failed. all in all, the day flew by. it's amazing how much psychology brings me down. fuck that class. after school, katherine, morgan, and i came home and watched "requiem for a dream" which is an AMAZING movie. it's really intense, very well done, great score.... again, i wish saw katherine more since for some reason she's so good to watch and talk about movies with. after she went home, morgan and i went over to janelle's apartment, where she, eileen, and alex had already started the making of vegan mashed potatoes and eggplant lasagna. well technically alex was being the man and sitting on the couch. or playing with janelle's adorable kitten. so morgan and i pitched in to help and in "no time at all" (read: after several disasters) the dinner was served. we settled down on the carpet with our plastic cups of sparkling apple juice to watch "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind." finally, oh finally. months after the planning. it went really nicely, though. even if i was too stuffed to eat most of my dinner... i felt bad about that. but my body really isn't used to food, and after my massive lunch, i couldn't handle it. so janelle drove us home after that. it was midnight and i was really tired. i called brandon anyway, but he was busy. so i went to bed.
saturday: woke up at 11:30 to the sound of my mother screaming. like always. basically i worked on college stuff all day. i still don't know where i'm going, but at least i've finished filling out the common app. most of the places i'm applying to (so far) use it, so that is good. i'm so ridiculously behind on this stuff. i'm pretty angry with myself. but whatever. so i didn't feel up for going to the our own voice workshop, or to see "the incredibles" with my family. i talked to brandon on the phone for a few minutes. i think that's the only human contact i had (outside my family) all day. i don't even regret it. katherine and brett helped me a little with applications. i want to die. i go to bed around 2.
sunday: woke up at 9:30 to the sound of my phone ringing. go figure. bothered around the computer. sat on the couch and talked college with mom. listened to her and dad try to calculate how much money they're going to be paying, how much in loans. that was painful. sallis came to steal me away, and we drove around the city a little. hung out around church on the river, bumbled through downtown, ate massive sandwiches at zinnie's east, bought blue sky sodas at square foods, grabbed some hopefully helpful college stuff from sallis's house, and swang at peabody park. i haven't hung out with that kid forever, and it was quite nice. when we got home, brett was here borrowing books from my mom. we talked for a little while in my kitchen before his dad picked him up. and here i be. avoiding life.

listening to: dead milkmen - big lizard in my backyard

because you're mistletoe

after school today, we had an honors society meeting where we made little packed lunches for homeless people. nobody could tell me exactly what place we were sending them to, which seemed kind of depressing. it also makes you think about the fact that we're only doing this one day, out of one whole year. what are these people eating otherwise? well, i put five cookies in every ziploc baggie, so that should make them happy. i've got to start volunteering at a soup kitchen or something before i fall apart from disuse.
when we had finished cookie-packing, katherine and i went to the library where we bought coffee and talked to margaret and katherine w, who volunteer there, for a little while. i think their supervisor lady decided we were distracting them, so katherine and i fled to the third floor. we nabbed window seats in the corner and had a long discussion about alanna and katherine things. i miss her a lot. i really wish we saw more of each other, because talking to her is really important to my life and well-being. this is not a joke. i think we have connective minds. we looked at some college books for about an hour, too, and katherine can even make that unscary. she helps me breathe better. my mom came and picked me up at around 7:15. who knew we'd been there so long? it was quite nice.
speaking of nice conversations, william called me last night. we talked for a very long time about the state of the world and our own selves. i miss him a lot, too, in a different way. although i wish i could talk to him more as well since it makes me feel a lot better. i remembered the feeling of may, how happy i was, how much promise life was about to feed me. i had forgotten how idealistic he is, which is amazing. i'm the same way, and lately it's been making me feel really silly and naive. it's good to know i'm not alone, i think. he is supposed to be coming back to memphis soon, and i really hope i can spend some time with him. fuck shit up. save something a little bit.
my neck and shoulders are really sore. maybe it's a sign that katherine is right-- we're the kind of people who try to carry the weight of the world.

listening to: luna - astronaut

keeps me from thinking

last night, laylee and brock picked me up at 10 to go to hi-tone for the holly golightly show. luckily, the door guy let us in, which was very good. my hands are still x-ed and i look hardcore. becca and christine arrived shortly after we did. the opening band, the woggles, didn't start until after 10:30 but they were really awesome. we danced, which we haven't done in forever, and i was very happy about that. it wore me out more than it should've. the band used the entire space of the small hi-tone and jumped off the stage and ran around and climbed on counters. it was great. they got a pretty good handful of indie kids up there dancing, which is way impressive considering the venue and our city. so i was really happy about that. after they ended, we waited around a while, but brock had to be home by 12:30 so we didn't see any of holly golightly, which really disappointed me. i would've at least liked to see a song. i hate that i spent all my money on that show. 10 muthafuckin bucks. which means no weakerthans tonight and probably no bella sun tomorrow. oh well. happiness costs way too much. tomorrow is senior out to lunch. i hope it is okay.
on the announcements this morning, coach owens came on backed by the indoor soccer team to annouce that a junior, okechi womeodu, died last night at a game. he was all choked up. seeing him like that was really weird. he's my silly ex-homeroom teacher, who brags about starring in an equadorian car commercial. my whole homeroom was in shock. i nearly cried. i am not exactly sure what happened, i heard several stories. okechi either died of an aneurism or heart failure. the school brought in some "mental health professionals" to talk to the people who were close to him. some of my teachers allowed kids to postpone tests if they were too upset to take them. and yet, none of my friends were upset or even effect by his death. i guess i've just been so sensitive and raw lately. is there something wrong with me? am i not supposed to feel depressed by this? today i was really angered by other people's happiness. i really shouldn't be posting this on my blog. sorry to everyone who is happy right now. i don't want to bring you down.

listening to: dykehouse - chain smoking

show's over, folks

i'm partly glad to have more free time on my hands, partly relieved that i can forget all these lines, and then i'm partly anxious now that i have nothing to focus my energy on. also nothing to blame my late nights and dead days on... although i'm sure they'll keep happening. they always do. i really need to focus on getting everything done for school and college, and also get working on some new projects. as long as i always have a viewpoint to look forward to, a realistic short term goal, i'll be fine. i hope. it's the unrealistic short term goals that really get to me. i hope that things'll be all sorted out soon. right now i'm just looking ahead to thanksgiving break. i need some time to recharge. i wish for strength to all of us trying to get through a terrifyingly slow year.

in short

today was surprisingly unawful. i debated staying home again, but decided that i need to save up my sick days. the last two periods of the day were significantly shortened because of some silly sports activity. directly after school, katherine, brock, and i went to starbucks and had a lovely talk until about 5 at which point katherine dropped me off at home. mom took morgan and i to zoe's birthday party almost immediately; her dad drove us to theatreworks; we put on a great show for a pretty big house. afterwards we had a photo call (hopefully results will be online soon...). zoe took her friend katy, morgan, and me back to her house for some barbie doll cake and naughty talk. it was a nice evening. i'm drained. tomorrow is morgan's birthday celebration, and you should come.

me and morgan-- no similiarities, right?

ode to joy

i've discovered that somehow in between the time my mother tried to call the cheesecake corner on my cell phone this afternoon and when i picked it up again, the damn thing mysteriously deleted its entire memory bank. so now i have no phone numbers, no more working voicemail, possibly no more text messages? not that i used those anyway, but i'm damn confused. it won't save the settings i put into it, and i haven't even attempted to rebuild my phonebook yet. it sort of puts your life in perspective when you realize whose numbers you have memorized and whose you don't. at any rate, the whole point of this post was just to alert people since i don't know if i can even get calls right now. but if you could also help me rebuild my friend brigade by giving me your numbers some time soon, i would really appreciate it. via email, slips of paper in my locker, telegram, fire brigade, etc. it don't matter...

give me dead

today at school was horrifically depressing. it started out with a chocolate donut, conversation with my great friend margaret, and a little bit of hope. it ended in depression and near-tears into a vanilla milkshake. i don't know what's more pathetic. i really can't believe that bush is president again, and i don't know what to do. we watched kerry's concession speech in pre-calculs from the couch, holding nervous hands and trying to be light-hearted about it. my shock and sadness surprise me. everybody is stirred to act somehow. eileen's rallying people to go to the "what do we do now?" type meeting at media co-op tomorrow night. allison says she wants to start something, do SOMETHING at our school, just to put something positive in the world. there's an intense need to create, to act, to believe in something greater. i'll get behind anything right now. i was looking forward to sudan awareness week, but it's mostly just that-- goddamn awareness. watching a video, having a speaker. i feel like there's so little action. i need to DO and there's nothing doing. i predict that the play this weekend will be teeming with passion. after that i'll have no direction, and i need to not feel useless. if anyone has ideas, please get me there.
i came home to my sister, who stayed home sick (half emotional, i think) on her 15th birthday. we tried to get happy with a massive dinner at pho saigon and dessert from the cheesecake corner. i like that the cheesecake man remembers me. morgan opened purple birthday presents; we wore hats, sang songs, and made merry. a strange conclusion to a weary day.
a girl in my psychology class made a depressingly humorous joke (which i've been repeating all day -- sorry) about how since bush has been reelected and he's going to get to appoint like 4 justices to the supreme court, they're going to reinstate the draft and overturn roe vs. wade. so we'll all be pregnant and in the army. i can't wait.

DOY

finally up to its old tricks.

they call it way too rowdy

i bought the new le tigre album yesterday afternoon at last chance and i'm listening to it for the second time in a row. it's really that good. as soon as i can handle giving it up, i'll loan it to anyone who wants to borrow it.
on friday, brock, laylee, and i went to wendy's after school before heading over to the school's cross country meet in order to get pyschology extra credit points. we stayed for like five seconds before christie dropped laylee off at home and took me and allison to CK's for milkshakes and fries. i swear, i need to never eat again. jenny and will met up with us there, and it was really cool hanging out with all of them. kind of a strange group, of several people i never ever see, so that was nice. we talked high school about rumors and gay boys. christie drove me home, i grabbed my costume, and we high-tailed it to theatreworks for call. everybody was sort of jittery. we had a pretty good crowd come for opening night, including my mom, alice, brock, katherine, LA, and lots of freshmen kiddies. elise showed up too, and that could not have been more awkward. she talked to all my friends and my whole family except me. as for the play, i didn't make any mistakes myself, but there were huge problems running rampant through the first act. we skipped about half an hour of the play. everybody was really freaked out during the intermission, but the whole thing was salvaged with a fucking awesome act two. sarah was too amazing. afterwards, everyone i talked to said that they'd barely noticed anything was wrong, which was very surprising. the kids wanted to eat, which was the very last thing i wanted to spend money on, but we ended up at shnuck's buying supplies for a picnic. we split the bill, and each of us only had to pay $3. we should ALWAYS go out to eat at the goddamn grocery. we headed to overton park and lounged in the grass, bathing in the light of MCA. we dined on turkey + gouda on egg bread, chocolate pudding, and hot fries. we quaffed sparkling apple juice. it was brilliant. brock drove katherine and alice home for their midnight curfew. me and LA sat around and talked for a while longer, which was special since i haven't seen her lately. i got home around 12:10 and went to sleep pretty immediately.
yesterday brett and i ran around cooper-young. i checked out the media co-op archive which he's trying to reorganize. we went by the antique store, i had a poptart lunch at java cabana. brock met up with us and we went to last chance. he bought albums by devendra banhart and stereo total. i don't even remember which ones. i'm such a bad one. afterwards they dropped me off so that i could get to theatreworks for the play, which went better last night. personally, i fucked up a couple lines. i think everybody had a moment of floundering, so the (small) audience could probably tell more easily that there were problems than on friday. how weird. because we managed not to skip anything. afterwards, i went with eileen and morgan across the street to IHOP where we ordered nothing but water and cheese sticks. they took like 30 minutes to come and they just made us more hungry. so we then ordered some fries. again, $3 dinner. LA, alice, and brett came to pick me up. they hadn't been able to find any midnight showings of "rocky horror picture show" which we were SURE would be SOMEWHERE for halloween. but apparently not. so we had the brilliant idea of playing it at media co-op, since brett has access to it and whatnot. we invited laylee and kevin, who were sitting in the parking lot when we got there. however, brett then discovered that the co-op DOESN'T have the movie in their collection like he thought, and we had to go rent it at black lodge. they were really bitchy to brett, and they wouldn't let me rent it because they said we still have a movie out on our account. which dad is positive he turned in. so we angrily trudged off to midtown video, which was closed. blockbuster was closing, but the workers told us it wasn't checked in anyway. my copy of the tape has been broken for a while, and we've never bothered to replace it. we called laylee and kevin, who were tired and decided to go back to kevin's dorm until we found the movie. videos, movies, and more AND hollywood video were closed. we ended up driving all the way out to laylee's house and borrowing her dvd. nobody was upset since we had an extra hour from daylight savings time, and we were listening to pixies. which was awesome and creepy and halloween-appropriate. we finally got back to midtown after a goddamn hour and a half of looking for that fucking film. we called laylee and kevin, but they'd fallen asleep and didn't feel like going out anymore. and although we'd made several calls and shouted to different people on the street, no one else showed up. so the four of us munched on a box of 3 dozen donuts and slurped on milk out of bendy straws. i only remembered a few of the audience participation things, but i could sing all the songs and we all did the time warp, so that made up for everything. LA had never seen it, and it's her new second favorite movie. so. that was successful. i got in at 2:15 (only because of daylight savings) and went to bed.
this morning i woke up at 9:15 to the vibrating of my cell phone under my head. brandon and i talked briefly about our weekends, but he couldn't really talk long because he was just checking in. i'm trying to think of something fun to do for halloween but i have no ideas. if anyone knows something happening before 6:45 and/or after 10:30, please let me know. or come to the play haha yeah right. there will probably be no audience tonight. which is why, if you're not busy, you should check it out. 8pm, $8.
happy halloween.

listening to: le tigre - viz

just what god needs

everybody everybody! come see "the passion of joni dark" at theatreworks this weekend and next weekend. 8pm, $8. we open tonight. we need your support. and your sweet loving. mental, social, and political conciousness! do it up!

listening to: tori amos - crucify

bounce boo

aghhhh!!!! i want to sleep. i have lots of homework. but i am drinking apple cider. i desperately want more cookies, but i've eaten far too many today. good god. good night.

you've changed some

i hate wednesday. although we did have a meeting of the paranormal club today, which was quite exciting. an alien-abductee speaker guy came from out of town just to talk to brett and katherine's little club for about an hour. he was a nice man.
yesterday i got to talk on the phone to both katherine and brandon, respectively, which was really nice because i haven't gotten to talk to either of them much lately. i need contact.
rehearsals are going okay. we open friday, and i hope hope hope we'll be ready. last night i got home from theatreworks, did like really easy german homework, and fell asleep with the light on. which sucked. luckily it was the only homework i had to turn in all day. unfortunately, i don't know if i can catch up with all the shit i'm failing to do every night. i'm so draiiiiiined. if anyone has any pick-me-up type advice, for de-drainage, please let me know. i'm dyin, babies.

i'm having problems

last night i had nothing else to do so i tagged along with morgan and mouse to the movies. we saw i heart huckabees again, which wasn't my first choice obviously, but it was still great the second time. that's a hard test to pass in my book. so. i got home and had a real conversation with brandon for the first time all week. then i talked to margaret and she said she wasn't feeling great, that she was just going to go home and sleep. i hope she had a good birthday anyway though. now i'm in an awful mood, i don't want to go to rehearsal, and i don't want to do homework. i want to sit. and rot.

listening to: a tribe called quest - 8 million stories

i'll tear my heart out before i get out

last night i saw i heart huckabees with family as proposed. it was soooooo great, and i recommend it to everyone. it made me love movies again. when i got home, i talked to becca on the phone for a little bit but both of us were too tired to go out. i hung out for a little while before going to bed around 11. how pathetic is that? the phone woke me up at about 1:45 when brandon called, but we only talked for like 30 seconds or something like that. today i woke up earlier than i planned and just lay in the bed for a few hours, practicing patheticicity. by the time i got up, there was only time to have a quick breakfast and lounging session before rehearsal. which actually went really well. i didn't use my script at all and i only fucked up the easy scene. i always know i'm learning my hard lines best when i start fucking up the easy stuff. afterwards, me and morgan and dad roamed cooper-young putting up posters for the show, which, by the by, opens next weekend. everyone should come. i'll remind you later, but mark your calendars now. for info about the play, you can go to this site.
if anyone wants to go to the film festival, or do anything, or see the ramones documentary with me and margaret at midnight (it's her birthday!) they can call me at 4938900. i'm that desperate. i just posted my phone number on my blog. i've fallen into blog hell. well i have no more shame. i apologize. please love me.

listening to: smashing pumpkins - today

i'm so ronery

anyone up for a movie night? i might be seeing i heart huckabees with the fam tonight. although i do want to see that, i'd rather go with friends. also, the indie memphis film festival down at muvico begins today. they're showing a ramones documentary at midnight. plus i'm just plain lonely. call me?

and baby, my heart's been breaking

i shouldn't be here. i am a bad woman. i am eating cheerios. i have pounds of things to do. i guess i'm off. the next two or three weeks are going to suck ass. god damn.

question 3

since when do we have rehearsal tonight?! god damn.

question 2

have you ever heard a song you've known for years in a different context and sort of fallen over? it's absolutely insane. you know you'll hear it again like you used to, and you might not want to. what a feeling.
"oh come child, come rescue me..."

listening to: cat power - cross bones style

question

do i look like a pretzel to you? huh. what an interesting proposition. if i could spend the rest of my life as a big salty pretzel i could be happy. i'd be one of those soft ones, i think. i would tear easily.
my knees are bruised.

quite simply

i am NOT happy that this is the third post i've written since i got into town. i'm NOT happy that this is the second time i've had to write it. and i'm NOT that my college entry was longer than my main one. that's just wrong! i can't live with it! so. i'm going to write more about voodoo ask soon as i get the chance. ask me anything, i'll answer truthfully. let's fuck shit up.

woops

as you can see, i COMPLETELY forgot to mention college visiting. i guess it feels like a very very small portion of my trip, although it was supposedly the main reason i went at all. and i know how you guys are about these things. you gotta know! so. dad and i attended loyola on friday and tulane yesterday. of the two, i definitely prefer loyola. even if it is catholic. it's more personal, and the campus is smaller and nicer than tulane. at loyola, before the tour started, each prospective student and parent met with a separate admissions consuelor to give us an overview of the school and talk about our chances of getting into the school and what major we're thinking about. tulane showed a video and gave us soda. tulane intimidated me a little, although they do have very nice facilities, but their tour guide was boring and seemed less informed than the loyola girl. what can i say? i'm a simple girl. plus i saw more interesting kids at loyola. and i'm sure it didn't help that we went to tulane on my last day in new orleans after i'd gotten very little sleep. i was really sore from the concert and walking around with dad all afternoon in the rain at the damn riverwalk, which is a big ole mall sitting right on the mississippi. i hate it. and at tulane we were walking all over a much bigger campus than at loyola, where we got a better look INSIDE buildings, classrooms, the library, and lived-in dorms. so tulane's tour was less thorough and shorter than loyola's. still, through the whole thing, i kept trying to make myself like tulane more since i know it's such a good school and everything i saw there was so nice. but i was in a shitty mood and it just really wasn't for me. the end.

it's my voodoo working

just got back from new orleans and the voodoo music experience. since we all know i've had repeated problems with confidentiality and the internet in the past, i'm not going to repeat the sex/drugs/rocknroll version here. you'll have to ask me for the dirty details. however, i CAN say: i had an awesome trip. new orleans is great. music is great. people are great. pixies cemented their place as my favorite band by putting on a goddamn amazing performance. brandon is a beautiful human being, and so is my dad for letting me spend as much time on my own as he did. and brandon's friends are fucking great. i love all of them. at this point i'm still too crazy hazy feeling to put any other sorts of general thoughts into intelligible sentences. all i want is a nap, but i've got pounds of homework to do. alas, my doves, i must away.

listening to: pj harvey - long snake moan

all in all

the weekend was very weird -- up and down and up and down and up. i'm so dizzy i can't tell how it's ended, which is probably good for now. yesterday i moped around, went to rehearsal, parked it up with LA, laylee, brock, and margaret. margaret and i ended up driving around alone for a good hunk of the night. Park is the best street in this damn city, we have decided. we found a dixie queen and had huge dipped cones. it was brilliant. i love shit and i love margaret.
i spent all of today just being pathetic in general. but i got to listen to good music while doing it, so i guess i didn't waste any time. i'm going to go to school as few days as possible in next two weeks. look out for my absence. mwahahahhaaha i'm totally going to get kicked out. i can't wait.

bipolar bear

i can feel today beginning to suck. it's not a good feeling to have on the saturday morning of a long weekend. i went to bed in a really weird mood and couldn't sleep because of that and an awful stomachache. i woke up at 6:30 to the sounds of a dying stereo, making god knows what kind of noises. i sort of got back to sleep but dad woke me up when he bumbled through the room trying to find a comic book. i've wasted my whole morning. i'm eating scrambled eggs. i'm going to spend the next hour attempting to memorize lines i should've learned days ago. i'll spend three hours at rehearsal doing the same things over and over again. and then i'll come home. and sit. someone should call me at 4pm to make my evening nice. i dare you.

i'm not alone with these stars on me

i barely remember school, so there's no reason to even mention it. zoe picked me up and i spent the entire lovely afternoon with her. i absolutely stuffed myself full of reese's cups, coffee, gum, sprite, bubblegum, apple juice, and a meal at the cupboard consisting of mac & cheese (i had a craving in government today), chicken, and cornbread muffins. sweet lord. i'm so fucking stuffed i can't even move. we hung out at a party at her dad's gallery downtown for a bit. that always fascinates me. art feels so alien to me, although i love it. i like to look at pieces without knowing how they're done. artists would probably slay me for such blasphemy, but i can't help it. i apologize in advance. we went back to zoe's beautiful home and watched a lovely mexican movie called like water for chocolate which was very well shot, even if it felt incredibly long and drawn out. i liked the magical aspect of it. i'm such a sucker for a good fairy tale. at any rate, it was a very nice surprise of an evening. although now i feel totally bloated like a beached whale. aoigighghe. fortunately, i'm wearing nothing but my granny's old pink silk nightgown and it's as though i'm about to slide away. i could really use a cigar. any 18-year-olds up for doing me a favor?
i feel very guilty that i have not yet memorized my lines. oh well, pleanty of time tomorrow!
the hairct offer still stands.

listening to: throwing muses - mr. bones

i know you know

anybody want to cut my hair this weekend? i'm dead serious. whoever shows up with a pair of scissors and a couple of eyeballs is free to snip away. first come first serve.

listening to: eisley - telescope eyes

home again

blaghhhh. i've got a constant headache, except for when i'm lying down. in the dark. with no noise. i'm okay right now because i just got up, but soon it'll be back. i've had this shit for 2 days now and i'm sick of it. how do you get rid of the eternal headache?

always on the...

another weekend comes to a close, and i have nothing to show for it, other than being about 20 times grosser than i was before. i stuffed my face with donuts, lard cookies, and coffee for the entirety of friday. i haven't done much better since. eblagioghe. i should be studying for math. i did three practice problems, is that enough to barely pass the test?

listening to: landing - fluency of colors

"we just can."

tonight i watched "the graduate" with my family. it is hysterical and amazing. what a damn great movie.

listening to: har mar superstar - cry 4 help

get in the zone of positivity

yesterday fluctuated between bad and good too many times for me to count. it ended well, though, because i got to go out to coffee with margaret. i never ever get to see her, and i love the girl to death. however, i'm grounded so i can't go out this weekend. oh well. somehow i don't mind that much.

listening to: a tribe called quest - excursions

senior out-to-lunch

have we decided yet where we're going? can someone clue me in? i'm totally lost this week.
fuck it.

ain't too proud to beg

anyone want to buy scribbler patronages from me? please say yes. if you give me $10+ you get a free copy. plus my eternal love. i'll make you cookies.

good thing we travel well together

compiled for me by brandon when he went home. posting the tracks so that i can get together a playlist. you don't have to pay attention.

01) interpol - leif erikson
02) radiohead - talk show host
03) cat power - cross bones style
04) beck - sing it again
05) diane izzo - lavender street
06) adam green - bleeding heart
07) sublime - slow ride
08) talking heads - girlfriend is better
09) kelis featuring nas - in public
10) julie ruin - stay monkey
11) kimya dawson - nobody's hippie
12) andrew bird - lull
13) myshkin - birds of a feather
14) the moldy peaches - goodbye song

you're so cute when you're sedated

so i'm told.
i had a horrible day.
i might break from blogging for a while... i haven't decided yet.

listening to: interpol - PDA

we wait for our plans to come true

this is one of those weekends that i really don't want to be documented, through blogger or otherwise. i guess it was important in some ways... but guess what? you don't get to hear about them. i leave you with but one final discovery this evening:
i could live on mac and cheese.
(and if you just GOTTA have more juicy tidbits from my life, you can read my post from a week ago which i finally finished.)

listening to: throwing muses- serene

before i die...

i LOVE that LA has been playing pixies in her car nonstop. i'm so very proud. tonight was the scribbler potluck dinner thingie, which was awkward at first but in the end, more entertaining than i thought it would be. i'm going to go see what homework i have to do, and try to avoid all of it. i haven't done a cent of stuff at home this week, so why stop now? i'm going to fail all my classes anyway. bwahahaha. i am sooooo full of food and people chow. holy god.

women continue to resist and persist

i love ani difranco. unfortunately, i don't love quite a few of her fans. people are so annoying, and i swear they're getting worse. still, the show was amazing.

HOO-HA!

i've decided i really have to go to college at columbia in chicago because look what i could major in: motherfucking SOUND. do you know how great it would be to say "yes, i am a sound major." oh lord. i'm going to explode.
so i'm supposed to be finding kimya dawson (1/2 of the moldy peaches) a place to play here on november 2. if anyone knows how to go about booking a show or who to contact, could they please let me know? this is very important to me, seeing as kimya dawson is a genius and i need her in my life.
tomorrow is ani difranco. i need to go get feministic and listen to some rage. if anyone needs tickets, the only place to get them now is at the cat's in cordova. brock has to go pick up mouse's and eileen's from there tonight, if i'm not mistaken, and if you'd like him to do the same for you, give him a call.
on saturday morning while i was sound asleep, my father purchased his and my tickets for voodoo, without my knowledge. so the buying-in-one-big-clump thing is out.... whether for good or ill, though, the man is definitely going. so if you need him to talk to your parents and convince them to let you go because he's obviously a very qualified chaperone, he'll do the do. also, i'll definitely be making a college visit, although i'm not sure what day. so if you can't be there for that, we need to make other ride arrangements. let's do it up. i'm REALLY REALLY REALLY excited!!!!!

listening to: julie ruin - love letter

i don't like mondays

today was one of the worst mondays. it felt like the week should be much farther along, and it was really hard to remember that brandon was here just yesterday. he's barely been back home for 24 hours. i wish he wasn't there. nothing makes sense. i'm really unhappy and uncomfortable, and i hate talking about it. today i decided that i would like to be a more private person, but knowing me, it probably won't work out.

listening to: sublime - get ready

breathe

i've just had an absolutely crazy, very great, yet very surreal 6 days. tuesday brandon got here at about midnight, and we sort of accidentally stayed up all night. his family, who were also evacuating new orleans and heading to memphis, got into town at 5:30am and came to escort him to the house of the friend they were staying with. the plan was for him to stay there until his family left on friday, and then hopefully stay with my family for the weekend. however, as brandon found out 45 minutes later on wednesday morning, this home for refugees was also being occupied by another new orleans family, and was located in olive branch. therefore, brandon showed up at my house after school and never left. thanks to my wonderful parents, who will apparently take in any stray. he, brock, morgan, and i hung out at home for a while before heading to pick up tarah and eating a lovely dinner at memphis pizza cafe. LA met up with us as well, but she and brock had to go home before tarah, brandon, and i went to play in the park and go out for dessert. brandon and i went to sonic, where i got the goddamn thickest vanilla shake of my lifetime and we sat forever listening to the tribe called quest album i had recieved in the mail that day. which is great, by the way. back at home, i did no homework and got little sleep. brandon was feeling guilty about invading our home, so as a favor to my parents, he drove morgan and i to school on thursday. he was supposed to go to the zoo with his family, but something happened and he just wasted a bunch of time driving all the way to olive branch and back out to my house a couple times? there was some craziness that happened and it turned out that he was supposed to pick us up from school, which i didn't know, and had katherine drive me home. which turned out to be nice because she got to meet brandon for real and inhale cloves with us on the patio. that was nice although i wish politics hadn't come up... that's okay because i think they still like each other. mom took me to get my new reading glasses and also to get my regular ones adjusted. when i got home, katherine had gone home, so i bunkered down to do some homework. morgan and brandon kept me company, and made sure i got very little work done. they went to pick up some backyard burgers for us, and i managed to complete six physics problems. eventually i gave up so that brandon and i could go crazy. LA came over in the middle of it to work on something for art class, and while we loved seeing her, i think she was annoyed that it took her so long to get her stuff done. morgan also was working on an art project, and i had a hard time sitting still for her to draw me. sorry, guys. i hope you both get an A from the brilliant mr. berlin. once everybody was done working, brandon and i listened to kid a and beck and had a lovely night. he took us to school in the morning, this time because our parents couldn't. he came to lunch, and i got to sort of show him off. he let me eat half of his sonic toaster sandwich, and life was good. i think he had a good time, even though lunch is so short and i felt guilty that he had to drive all the way out to school just for a few measly minutes with my posse. i tried to convince him to come to all three lunches, but he wouldn't. oh well. he had to come BACK to pick us up. morgan had to do something with ms. kitts, so while we were waiting, we sat in front of the school listening to iggy pop and smoking cloves. it was the real punk rock. when we got home, we lay around on the futon forever waiting for plans to get made. eventually we hopped in the car, turned on the fugees, and went to pick up laylee and alice. on the way we saw about 23957023575320 cops and they stuck around to make a theme of the night. it was pretty weird, but we had a really wholesome day so nobody minded. it was just damn weird. anyway, we couldn't think of a goddamn thing to do so we drove all the way back to midtown and got milkshakes from java. everything was blocked off crazy because they were setting up for the cooper-young festival. being at java was sort of depressing, but nobody really suggested leaving. we ended up buying this cd called "nose songs" by a local guy named müller who uses melodies to bob dylan songs and writes his own lyrics. we then decided we were hungry, and somehow the collective BRILLIANCE of alanna, brandon, laylee, and alice made us decide to go to molly's where we ordered literally nothing but chips, salsa, bean dip, and cheese dip. SWEET LORD. we all felt bloody AWFUL after that, as you can imagine, so we high-tailed it home. we all lay on the futon in the dark and cuddled. brandon and i listened to the cd while laylee and alice gossiped and giggled. LA finally brought don over for us to meet him at like 8 something and we dragged ourselves out of bed to rent a movie at black lodge. it took us forever, but we finally came home happy and ready with "heathers." in the middle of it, kevin showed up with motherfucking william, who was in town for his mom's birthday. we turned off the movie and talked to them for a few strange minutes before they left to explore the city's changes. we put the movie back on, and alice fell asleep quickly afterwards. it ended some time after 1am, and we drove laylee and alice back home and saw 239057352 more cops on the way. i slept allllll morning long-- brandon didn't wake me up until 12, probably prompted by my father, to tell me that i had to be at theatreworks in an hour. the first rehearsal for the show was three hours long, but it went pretty well and i had a good time. even though i was anxious about getting home the whole time. if we weren't going to miss two ensemble rehearsals for voodoo, i would've tried to get out of that one. for brandon's sake, of course. he stayed at home and watched raising arizona and rock n roll high school. back at home, we sat around on the couch for a while before heading over to the cooper-young festival. to be honest, i don't know why we went, other than to see people. i don't think we stopped at any booth for more than a minute, and we only stopped at about three. we just sort of mosied along hoping to glimpse a familiar face. we did a good job of that, but then we never really talked to anyone for that long, unless they ended up joining our procession. it was a really weird concept to even be there that way. we eventually made it into java, after latching onto brock, eileen, mouse, and some friend of somebody's who i don't know. in java we found becca, daniell, laylee, kevin, and william who we sort of sort of kind of attempted to make future plans with, but did a horrible job. brandon and i got really hungry but didn't want to eat at the festival. with yet another craving for pizza coming on, we grabbed morgan and high-tailed it over to memphis pizza cafe where we had a strange meal because i made morgan feel to guilty to buy anything since she'd forgotten money. i'm a horrible person and i'm sorry. then she had to go home to work or something? we dropped her off back at home. we went on a quest for greenery and ended up on the metal floor of peabody park's jungle gym. so that was a failure, but we had managed to enjoy ourselves nonetheless. i love the sound of trains going by. we then rushed to studio to see garden state, which i had already seen, but brandon hadn't and he loved it. i was really glad. plus it was sort of a perfect goodbye movie. at home we listened to julie ruin and cat power before going to bed way too late. we woke up at 7:30 and layed around for a while in my tent. we went to breakfast at IHOP and pretended to be a pair of happy collegiate artists taking joy in life's simple pleasures-- coffee and cigarettes. it takes me forever to eat so we were there for an hour or so? i apologize to everyone who has ever had to take a meal with me. back at home we had a second anti-climactic ending to our surreal little venture. we sat around for a while burning cds. i mean come on. but seriously, folks, it was a good time. brandon left at about 1pm, rolling away towards union inside a round, green little car. he didn't look back, and i couldn't look on. i went with the family to see sky capitan of the world tomorrow which was a very silly, but very beautiful movie that took my mind off things until i got brandon's home-safe call. new orleans is still above water. it didn't even rain.

listening to: godspeed you black emperor! - sleep

or...

change that 3am to 12?

news

today at 5pm louisiana state university closed classes for the week. today at 6:20 brandon ledet called to tell me he was on the interstate heading for a city called memphis. today at approximately 3am, a tremor of happiness will shudder through your dreams.

winkin, blinkin, and nod

these friends did not visit me last night. i haven't slept in what feels like six years. i'm about to go take a nap though. brett and i stayed up all night talking about who knows what, and now we're going to become chimney sweeps. it's fucking brilliant. brandon and i are expectantly awaiting hurricane ivan. i can't think straight enough to write this post right now. gwahabaha.

it ain't no fair to be this worn out

you said it, ben.
i just decided i want to drink like 6 dr. peppers today. it's going to be great. i have lots of work to do that i can't bring myself to do. i want to die. thus, caffeinated assistance.

listening to: lucero - in lonesome times

update

auditions are at 4:30 today. at theatreworks. be there.

in the springtime of his voodoo

we REALLY need to discuss plans for the upcoming voodoo music fest before it's too damn late to buy tickets and shit! i want to get this together so that we can do things like convince people's parents to let them go and get a place to stay in new orleans and all those kinds of things.
1. who wants to go? we need a head count to know how many people we have to accomdate for.
2. who will drive? my dad has volunteered, and although i'd rather go without him, it will probably help the case of many of you kids whose parents wouldn't be too happy about us going unchaperoned. brandon and LA also volunteered on separate occassions to drive... are you still willing? could you make it happen? this is imperative.
3. how many days do you want to go? one day is $40. i'm sorry this is so expensive, but think about all the great bands you'll be seeing. most of them are on saturday, this is true. if you only want to go on saturday (or if, like alice and katherine, you only have time for that) we will have to make different arrangements for that.
4. i think my mom wants me to use one of my school excused college-visiting days and college-visit, either in new orleans or on the way there. whoever i'm riding with might want to also put that on their agenda for the trip. and also it will make your parents happy.
5. START SAVING YOUR PENNIES. WE ARE HEADED ON A WILD JOURNEY DOWN THE MISSISSIPPI INTO THE DEEP DEEP SOUTH. PREPARE YOURSELF.

listening to: joanna newsom - peach, plum, pear

make the diamonds come in your hands

i'm no longer grounded, if anyone wants to hang out today.

listening to: tracy + the plastics - bury the hair

what should i not kiss?

as always, i must inform you all about the upcoming events of the our own voice theatre troupe, although i don't think i've ever encouraged someone to actually do that shit because of these little posts. oh well. to be honest, i only know that it's even happening because of my dad. i can't find any online confirmation that the auditions are even happening, but since my dad is a board member of the group, i trust him. SO without further ado:
The Passion of Joni Dark
Theatreworks, 2085 Monroe on Overton Square
Saturday and Sunday afternoon (times unknown as of right now. call me and i'll let you know.)
the play requires LOTS OF KIDDIES since it's the story of joan of arc set in a modern teenage psych ward. i promised i would bring friends. these plays are really fun! you will meet new people! you can goof around! stage fright isn't even an issue since the theatre is so teeny tiny. an our own voice show don't require a lot of time commitment, and the director will be REALLY understanding if you have to miss rehearsals. you'll only have a couple practices a week up until production week. it's great. pleeeeeeeeeeeease try to come. auditions are really fun, even if you decide not to do the play. the entire idea of an oov audition is for the actors to see if the show is something they actually want to do. and you will have fun. please come.
sorry for the desperation.

listening to: belly - red

food for thought

Lordpook1 (10:57:40 PM): cuz shes 14 has no freedom yet and i am a wild 16 year old with a needle full of turpentine stuck up my dick and a mouth foaming with semen and crack cocaine

listening to: vic chesnutt - in my way, yes

sore throat again!

i want to die. i have lots of homework. i shouldn't be online. i'm leaving now. hope everybody had a great day.

tired eyes

last night i fell asleep doing physics. dad came in and woke me up, i pushed my homework off the futon, and went to sleep. today i missed two tests, but i don't care. i feel a lot better, although my eyes are all dilated from going to the eye doctor again. i did get my new glasses and i can see a good deal better, but everything's still weird from the dilation.

glasses
Originally uploaded by elevatorlady.

they look completely back, but the frame is actually tortoise-shell patterned brown. there's green on the inside, and purple on the edges. they're very odd, and i'm still getting used to them. these are the biggest glasses i've ever had. they're only my third pair, but still.

sweet jesus

i just got back from a fucking 2-hour trip to the optometrist. hopefully i'll have my new glasses tomorrow, but they also found cornea damage and there's confusion with my stigmatism. it was all very horrible, and i also now need reading glasses. apparently VISION is the reason for my constant post-school headaches and why i can't focus on tests and why reading makes me tired. god damn it. i hate life.

listening to: björk - triumph of a heart

brock's birthday mix

it's been damn long enough! (changes might be made.)

01) the faint - take me to the hospital
02) the mae shi - vampire beats
03) miss kittin - meet sue be she
04) sarge - a torch
05) the dishes - french kissing
06) the butchies - trouble
07) the cure - why can't i be you?
08) tilly and the wall - reckless
09) the reindeer section - tout le monde
10) the microphones - oh anna
11) kimya dawson - the beer (live)
12) lucero - no roses no more
13) david bowie - five years
14) why? - darla
15) sufjan stevens - he woke me up again
16) sarah harmer - uniform grey
17) the mountain goats - cubs in five
18) a tribe called quest - buggin' out
19) tracy + the plastics - henrietta
20) modest mouse - i came as a rat (long walk off a short dock)
21) the dismemberment plan - the ice of boston
22) devo - beautiful world

so i'm grounded

my parents just found out that i left our family video camera in brittany's car over a month ago, and it's still at her house in mississippi. i should've told them immediately when it happened, but i thought i was going to get it back when the next time i saw her. that didn't happen and i haven't been down in mississippi to pick it up, nor have they mailed it back. so now i can't do anything ever again until the camera is back in my hands. i am not happy.

listening to: danny barker - st. james infirmary

bad ear

i'm so fucking sentimental and far too easily influenced by music. it should not be allowed to have such an effect over me. these things should not make me cry.

we can dance and dance

so i found out that my reasons for being angry/sad about girls' night being cancelled were the wrong reasons. it turned out for the better since laylee was feeling sick last night. yesterday sallis came and picked me up in the early afternoon. we got milkshakes at java cabana, he bought the new bjork album, and he got to meet the poor nameless puppy. alice and katherine met us at sonic and we headed downtown to the memphis music and heritage festival. we only knew where one of the stages was, and it was a little late for shopping around. we watched this goofy guy play the piano, ran around peabody place, and went back to the stage where a really hysterical rap group was performing. some guys filmed us for their public access show. as we were leaving, we passed the place where becca and laylee were volunteering. we heard a REALLY great band that sounded something like andrew bird's bowl of fire. the crazy thing is that we came in during the middle of them playing "st. james infirmary." it was weird that i recognized it, being so familiar with danny barker's version, in which he adds a bunch of awesome lines and side notes. actually everyone should hear that version because it's the ultimate. it was really great, and i hated having to leave. sallis took us home, where katherine, alice, and i had a totally awesome girly night as a trio. we stuffed ourselves with cinnamon tea, popcorn, and java chip ice cream. we talked about boyzzz and morocco and great shit. we listened to lots of music and watched some music videos and rolled around on the futon. it was great. i missed seeing LA and laylee though. we stayed up till after 5am, which was a bad idea. ah well. katherine woke up at 9:30 for church. when she came home, alice and i eventually dragged ourselves out of bed and went to breakfast at ck's. i drank too many cups of coffee with sweet-n-low. something inspired me to order the paul bunyan breakfast. do not ask me why. i stuffed myself absolutely full. after a long meal, katherine took me back home. dad immediately took me to lauren's house so that we could work on our math project-- it's a powerpoint presentation for pre-calculs about fucking PEEPS. i took a nap in lauren's super-comfy bed before katherine, alice, and brett picked us up around 7 to head down to south memphis. there's really no words to describe things that i would like to say, but there's at least this: we listened to elephunk (my new favorite album) about 5 times, ate a second breakfast at ihop, found a little piece of the apocalypse, inhaled a cornucopia of chemicals, observed the loading of a barge, befriended men of the mississippi, used a crane as a jungle gym, got covered in oil and sugar, explored a man named harley's boathouse and got sexually harassed by his creepy red neck brother. president's island is my new favorite place. i love the mississippi. i love my city.

listening to: the black eyed peas - the boogie that be

faithless, grungy, pathetic, wretched

last night all plans were somehow abandoned and alice and ended up at home alone all night. it was really great because we had time to hang out and talk and be wonderful. i absolutely LOVE that girl!!!! it was also funny because she and i were hanging out while laylee and LA were hanging out. our group of Girls was separated into the "Al" and the "La" couples. ho ho ho. i love that kind of thing. the kind of thing i do NOT love is that our girls night for this evening is cancelled. it makes me angry and sad. hopefully i'll make up for it by hanging out with sallis and katherine and alice today. hooray!

listening to: juliana hatfield - what a life

Teenage Mythology: Daphne and Apollo Revisited

This boy came quietly out of the wood work, and I was caught off guard. No one before him ever really saw me, with my unruly hair, rumpled skirt, and no trace of self-confidence. That was the life I had learned.

He stole what he could –– the minutes off my cell phone, all my days of summer, midnight in my grandma's kitchen, one desperate hug. Of course I ran. The only thing I knew to do was run. No one taught me how to be pretty, how to be loved. I became afraid to learn. Just told myself to keep my muscles pumping to keep me out of reach.

Well. I may have overdone it. I pulled back 400 miles, building the best defense: a separation of two entire states (measured by 7,877,696 people), the length of a muddy river (equaling eternity). A girl needs her space.

But he couldn't drop it. I couldn't understand why he kept pushing against my limitations, what drove him to stand as watchman of my night and day. Turns out, it was only that he knew me. He knew my legs were not long or strong enough to keep me running forever. How could I have known that he would whittle my wooden heart, gently carve away the rough places in me?

By November he was biting at my heels like an obsessive French dog, hanging on the curtain of my voice, and imagining the curl of my hip. Without my permission. I never wanted to be marked, claimed, owned. But now I look at myself, firmly planted in my sneakers and undeniably connected to some puppy of a boy. He lead me out of my darkness and pulled me into his wood. Some very needy roots sprouted out of me and met up with his –– connecting and intertwining finally at the halfway point on the brown bank of the Mississippi. My limbs fork out like awkward branches, pocked and uneven bark covering completely my milk pale skin. He places his hand on my chest to admire his craftsmanship: heart beating full and sticky with some sound resembling love.

oh please

somebody needs to come hang out with me and alice! aogpwihpghoiwe

things

1. new puppy is ADORABLE. she has no name yet, but we're working on it.
2. home at the end of the world is a ridiculously bad film.
3. "five years" by david bowie is the song of the week, and may very well be the best song of all time.
4. i love my sister and her friends.
5. it really sucks that today is amelia's last in memphis.

rejoice

morgan and mom are on their way to pick up our new cairn terrier puppy. hooray!