Friday, October 31, 2003

CANDY ON MY WINDOWSILL!!!!!!!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!

shit i forgot to blog about chris earlier. remind me someone.

Thursday, October 30, 2003

hooray for every day better than the last! it was just a kind of slick lay-back day. the sky is sooo blue and the clouds are so beautiful. we spent time observing them at lunch. lovely. brock and i sang "i color the sky with you, i let you choose the blue!" a few times. kevin loved it. i love kevin.
whitney and amber sat at the table again today, so that was different. plus, katherine is still sick and nisha sat with other people, so the set up was very different. i guess the change was nice and all. i've decided i don't like sitting with so few people, because then there's usually only one conversation happening at one time. if there were other people i could escape into something else when talked turned away from my interests. brock is very big on being involved, so he always wants to stay in the large group conversation. he and i talked a little bit alone, because amber and whitney were mostly talking to sallis. i remember that they said one thing that really bothered me, but i can't remember what. ah well. maybe i should start doodling.
in chemistry i just barely finished my test. in algebra i was nowhere near finishing my quiz. it really pisses me off that i know what i'm doing and i couldn't finish. why am i so slowwww? oh well.
mr. munter apologized for calling me robin. AHAHAHA.
robin forgot her glasses today. she is so damn cute! i want to marry her. also things with brock were really nice today. nice boy.
wenli gave me a turtle's gift card for $10 just for helping out with her french video. WOW what a nice girl. thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou to wenli. jesus christ.
in a time when i've felt like a really evil, selfish person, look how bethany describes me: "You're so sweet. You're just a big, fat teddy bear." i mean wow. how's that for polar opposite? i was thinking today about how i must appear entirely different to a different people. it's nuts. anyway, bethany also said she misses my "scratchy voice and insistent debates. I miss being yelled at (not that I enjoy that), but arguing was so fun! I feel all nostalgic. Look what you made me do! Poofter." aww. i miss yelling at you, bethany.
i have had a stomach ache all day. this is not cool. i hope i don't have what katherine has.

listening to: rasputina - my little shirtwaist fire

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

brock and i had a classicly brilliant brock-alanna phone call tonight. he called because he was depressed about the stupid english project, and he wanted to forget about how he should have been working. i'm not sure when he called, but we talked for a long time. and it was one of those calls where each of you says "i have to go" like five kamillion times over the space of an hour. it's great. it made my night five kamillion times better. thank you, brock love. i missed our long talk. it's going in my biography.
WHO IS UP FOR LIBRARY PARTY?
we are doing this shit. saturday or sunday. come on kids. get in here.
there's a huge gooey spot of GOO on that little buggity bite on my chest. i finally showed me mater. woo i love her. she said she was going to send me to druggie school. i remember when i used to leap around the house in the morning, before school. she'd call me a gazelle, and i would pretend to hate it.
OH MAH GOD I AM IN LOVE WITH BRIE CHEESE
FULLY FLEXIBLE, YOU SEE. IS THERE ONE AS SWEET AS ME?
(dantier, smarter, better dressed.)
ANTIQUE HIGH HEEL RED DOLL SHOES!

pick me up for heaven sakes
aren't i your baby cakes?

listening to: RASPUTINA, MUTHAFUCKA!
i don't know yet what i'm going to do for halloween. as in, i don't know where i'm going and i don't know what i'm going to dress up as, if i am at all. well shit. i want to get out of this house. i wish i could drive. i also wish i got to see kids on the weekdays because that would just increase my will to live by a million.

listening to: rasputina - this little piggy
today was better! wahoo. i am hoping this week is just a staircase, but i'm afraid my thoughts will jinx it... well here's hoping.
i was basically like "i'm really sick of bad days!" so i was more smily than i might have been. i enjoyed myself in chemistry, and just basically smatchetted through english. tried to do history homework, but had more fun eating crackers. hoorah! latin was bleggity because we have a quiz friday which i'm going to fail. i got a 75 on the last quiz ahahaaaa. i'm really dumb. a lot of people are like "ohh i'm going to fail" and then they get a 96. well fuck that. i really do fail. lunch wasn't too great, because katherine was absent. the poor dear is sick, i feel awful for her. i want to call, but i don't want to wake her up or anything. so basically, nisha, brock, and sallis spent the whole time talking about bridgebuilders. for a little while, tarah came to talk. i didn't have much to say, which i felt stupid for. blaghh me. oh i forgot to say this. the other day i was going to sarah's car after school, and i heard this car honk. i turned around, and it was tarah riding with one of her poppity friends and tarah had apparently made her honk so that she could wave to me. aww how nice is that? i love tarah.
anyway, the funniest thing ever happened today. ahahaohhaah oh my. the history class was waiting outside the room, for ms. ervin to come unlock the door. during the wait, kevin was walking by, and he said hello so i grabbed him and hugged him, and he did his wonderful ear-whisper thing. i love that thing. then during his classic kevin take-off, in which he just spins around and marches off, he SMASHED INTO MS. ERVIN. AHAHAAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH.
AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
oh my god. it was this amazing clash of orange and pink. HYSTERICAL. especially to me. her face was great, also. too bad there wasn't more screaming. but JESUS HAHAHAHA.
in other news, i got an 89 on the test yesterday that i was thoroughly prepared to fail, and a fucking NINETY-FOUR 94 94 94 ON MY PIECE OF SHIT ESSAY FROM LAST THURSDAY. oh my god, i was really amazed. i'm still falling apart. that's about it. brock forgot to give me back my math homework, so i got my first 0 of the six weeks on homework. and i was doing so well, too. hahah it's no big deal, whatevar. it was just funny because he found me after school, holding it, going "I'M SO SORRRYYY." what a nice boy. too bad he's sick of me. aha.

listening to: rasputina - the remnants of percy bass
let's hope today is better than yesterday, which was better than monday. woowoo we're going up!

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

i wrote this in chemistry:

today sucks. i accidentally fell asleep at 9:30 last night before i had finished half my homework or studied for the history test. genius me. as if i don't already feel like shit. aside from that, in the course of a week, i've managed to fuck up every relationship i'm involved in. i gave becca perfect reason to lose all trust in me, brock is bored to death with my company, and i don't really feel like expoudning upon the tragedies of the other ones, but i am sure that everyone hates me. i feel like such a troubled fucking teen today. mostly it's just angst, but yeah i know that to some extent there is this "anxiety" issue thing. i've really never thought of myself as an anxious person, but i guess it makes some sense.
shit, last year i was so full of hope. whenever i was depressed at all, it wasn't actually that bad because i was doing such-and-such a thing or so-and-so was around. i don't know.
i didn't get to mention this yet, but at lunch yesterday i was in an AWFUL mood. i had the piece-of-shit-iest day ever, and i just wanted to relax for a few minutes. nisha was complaining about having to do some homework and when no one accepted her proposal of getting paid to do it for her, she started reading it out loud while she worked it. just to be annoying. everyone else ignored her, but somehow i just couldn't. i was so fucking tired. just of shit. but fuck me for not wanting to listen to nisha's vocabulary sentences. i asked her to stop. i TOLD her to stop. i commanded. i threatened. i did what i threatened to do. it was really immature on both of our parts -- nisha's event, my action, her reaction.
her jacket only got a little capri sun on it anyway. it was still mostly threat. and anyway, i'm used to people who wouldn't actually take offense from that... allison and i did it constantly last year. it was just another thing to distance me and nisha, i guess. again we have been proved very different people, and it just makes me like her less. plus, she is one of the most annoying people that i have to come in contact with. seriously. she's up there with ronald.
anyway, she retaliated by trying to pour her sprite into my lap. i'm sorry, but this is very different from a little capri sun squirt. however, she was really slow about it, so i had time to move her arm out of the way before she overturned that bitch. basically, i didn't get wet. just my lunchbox slightly. she spilled more on herself and the innocent members of our lunch table (especially brock, who was between us) and their homework than on me. i felt bad for dragging other people into the childish little thing, and i think i apologized to them, but not to nisha. i'm just too much of a mean person for that. everyone who isn't already sick of me will be soon. bloody brilliant.

Monday, October 27, 2003

today is awful. GOPWIEHAPOWHIEGOHAIOHWOEHA i want some pizza.
i have soooooo much homework tonight, so i called the memphis psychotherapy center's answering service, and told them i had to cancel for today. at about 6:10 mom walked into the house, just back from her OWN appointment, and literally forced me to go. in my pajams. wearing brandon.
i yelled at her. (quoth brock, "don't yell at your mom!" because he loves my mom and apparently doesn't understand me.) i was really upset, and when we got there we had to wait for forever. i kept complaining about what a waste of time it was. i think some of my anger calmed down in those minutes, though. if i had gone in to see her right away, i probably would've just screamed "I CAN'T COME TODAY" and stormed out. but i was cooling, so i wasn't so upset.
later on, she told mom that i looked angry for the first couple minutes of our session, and then just sad -- the saddest she'd ever seen me, she said. when she said that, mom said she had seen me sadder than that, but she never knew what to do. i was like "wow, i can look SAD?" it was something of a shocker realizing that people can tell how i feel just from looking at me. i guess it was a naive assumption of me, but i always thought that since i never cry, i was just a stone. and i'm always so shit with conveying emotions. well fuck me for not putting that much stock in other people and/or my own face.
at one point, before mom came in, she said i looked like i was going to cry. i don't know, i might have if i had tried to talk. but i was just kind of watching my shoes sliding on the carpet, and answering her questions with shrugs. when i looked at her, my throat loosened up a little, and she let me breathe. it was strange, i thought it would be the opposite. and when she said i looked like that, i just kinda shrugged it off with a smile and all that. it was really weird thinking that if i had looked like i was going to cry THEN, i have NO idea what i looked like talking to ms. ervin. shaking like a donut shop. jesus. it's so strange that in less than a week, i've had so many nuts displays of emotion. it's really unlike me, and i don't know how to react to them. i don't know what's causing the change, either, which is probably the scariest part. anyway she eventually brought mom in, and told her that i have no internal drive, that i work better with structure, and that she was worried about my level of anxiety. (it seems kind of contradictory to have anxiety problems and no drive. aha.) by the end of it, mom's eyes were wet and i wonder if mine were too.

Sunday, October 26, 2003

does anyone have any ideas for how we are going to get into rasputina?
1. go before 9, before they put the bouncer out. eat and eat and eat.
2. bring someone over 18.
3. email the band and beg.
4. hide in the bathroom.
5. sit outside and sulk. at least that way we could hear some of the music, and meet the band afterwards.

anything else?

and who exactly is coming to this thing, anyway? becca and laylee told me to keep it small, but i feel bad because i found out about it and told all kinds of people. i doubt most of them will come, though, because they're only small fans, and it's a sunday night, so. but all souls' day, what a great day for them to be here!
coming out of "blue citrus hearts" has been beautiful every time. this time i was with morgan and a big group of her friends, and they were lovely. however, as soon as we got into the lobby, mom and dad bombarded us with annoyance. their movie had finished 20 minutes before we got out, and they were not very happy. it shouldn't be my fault that our movie started 10 minutes late and had a Q+A at the end, but somehow it was. the rest of the ride home was full of the entire family being pissed off at me, so i was pissed off at them too. it wasn't pretty. it still isn't pretty. i'm annoyed that my night is no longer pretty. and i finally had a good sunday, too. and dad is kicking me off now. brilliant.

listening to: the raveonettes - love can destroy
today is a good sunday. having eileen over was very nice. i'm so glad my sister can have cool friends. that lucky ducky. they have gone to rehearsal right now, but we had a really nice morning. we recorded lots of music and filmed all kinds of randomness and eileen joined DOY. woohoo! i'm in a nice mood, but i have to go do my homework soon...
blue citrus hearts. 7 pm. peabody place. indie memphis. please come, kids. it's a nice film. plus i'll be there and i need to see you.
the night has gotten really nice. morgan's friend eileen is awesome. i had only met her once briefly before tonight, but i really like her and i'm glad morgan can have such a cool friend. i can hear her playing guitar to morgan in the bedroom right now. aww. i'm about to go in there. we played some really silly music, and recorded some silly things on the camera, and i feel insanely creative right now. go figure. i told you that late nights are way productive. i think i told you, anyway.
download an mp3 of morgan's poem that we sort of ... did.

listening to: eileen

Saturday, October 25, 2003

today turned out how i thought it would, but sort of through a different way. i'd thought i would spend most of the day helping brock and wenli with their french videos and not having any fun, and then me and brock would probably go do some okay event afterwards. instead, we worked on these videos literally all day long. brock called and woke me up at 11:20 and i got to his house at like 12:45. sorry it took me so long. i had to buy tapes and stuff too, though. wenli and i got there at the exact same time. we all stood around and ate nutella on crackers for a few minutes before getting started with brock's video (a commercial for his house, done in french). before too long, melissa showed up driving her dad's car, and we filmed wenli's video (a french commercial for the car). then melissa left and we finished filming for brock. at about 4:30 the three of us came to my house, ate at sonic, and finally finished editting wenli's video just after 7. i felt bad that we'd taken up so much of her time. then brock and i started to work on his video. it took forever. nobody seems to realize how long editting stuff actually takes. we had planned to finish up quickly, and take in a movie at the film fest because brock knew i wanted to go. what a nice boy.
unfortunately, that is not what happened. we spent forever trying to just get the basics done, which wasn't too bad. brock editted himself, and i helped him out along the way. that was really nice. then when we had the basic structure of the video done, we went back to add the intro and some other tidbits. for the opening, brock had planned to sing this song to the tune of a mozart piece, so i left the room for him to do it. a good while later, he came back to morgan's room, where she, eileen (who is spending the night), and i were listening to morgan's first and very infamous mix cd. we all danced around to a few songs. then brock went back to try to record the song some more. i came in a while later, and he had given up. i tried to help him some, but then morgan and eileen came in, and everything fell away to hell. we watched as much of brock's video as we had done, wenli's video, bb3, and the yeah yeah yeahs "maps" video. yes again. giowhpihwg. morgan is obsessive. then brock called his mom to come pick him up. he was obviously really tired. poor kid. it was another night where it feels like someone needs to spend the night. maybe it was just because of eileen being here and everything, and the beautiful little moment in morgan's room with all of us dancing and singing on the bed. it felt very slumber party. where is my friend? i'm all alone online, while they are partying on the other side of the house. mope mope mope.
but actually getting to hang out with brock was really nice today. some shit that has been going through my head wasn't there tonight, which i was very happy about. i don't know what's been up. oh well. but it was really funny having wenli there, because she pointed out (or sometimes her presence just made me realize) all these things brock and i do, like randomly bursting into songs and whatnot. it was just nice, because it made me feel connected to him. special and all that. maybe that was part of what made the day better.
dad just brought me a package from katie!!! katie, i don't know if you read this blog, but DEAR GOD i'm so sorry i still haven't sent you a letter. i feel awful about that. you're the sweetest kid ever and thank you SO MUCH for the sigur rós cd and the advanced copy of wasteland (which seems really short!!!). i love you katie! weeeeoooooo.
wenli is talking to me, and it is really nice. i liked getting to hang out with her today, because i haven't before. so that is very good. i like her.
eileen and morgan are coming in, so i must depart.
I GET ALONG JUST SINGING MY SONG, PEOPLE TELL ME I'M WRONG

...fuck em...

(GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG)


listening to: LIBERTINES, MUTHAFUCKA!
holy shit i'm still eating my cold french fries. i got them at like 7. they were cold by 7:01.
how is THAT for slow eating, muthafucka?!