Friday, May 16, 2003

during the lunar eclipse, amber was talking to me
about how we, as women, are
connected to the moon
which is why her cat can't stop licking herself
and why my period came early
and why i feel like shit suddenly
not even chocolate can make me better this time
i tried that
and sucked down so much mocha that
i burned my tongue raw
and rediscovered that i don't like raspberry
everything that i normally find mildly annoying
or just something that happens
is magnified tonight:
the guys at the cashier talking LOUDLY over the open-mic poems
hey, you work here. you fucking host this event. shut up.
and yeah this goes to everyone:
i can't stand it when people refuse to pay attention
unless it's one of their friends reading
or they take their own poem up
that really makes me question why they want a turn anyway
they can't expect to get people's attention
i guess they just like the sound of their own words
echoing through the mike
oh, is that the case, then? how nice + selfish of you. shut up.
so tonight, because no one else would, i. shut up.
it had been going great like usual
but you know it's this damn lunar eclipse
that makes me delve into my coffee
as my people pair off
it's weird, in the middle
with familiarity still so close inside and friends across the street
amber stops blurring because for once she's standing still
lecturing me on the moon
i have had similar talks from mom and several authors
this is different from mom's abrasive loudness
and different from black print on a white page
because they've got it all wrong
the moon needs to be white print on a black night
but amber makes it okay
and paul finds a couple seconds to say a few words
before they've disappeared
that's okay, i've got Lisa Marie in my mug
and i can stare into the sky some more
and pretend not to be looking around to find out
what's going on inside, across the street
better check up and see how they are getting on without me
i ask Lisa Marie why
no matter how hard i try
we keep coming back here
and i know it is just me
and i know it's in my head
but doesn't someone notice that i'm missing?
jealous: his arms around her and teaching her to salsa
when all i get to hear him say is "stop touching me"
abandoned: she can't take the time to
string 10 words together for me
when that is all i am asking for
asking + asking + asking + i have nothing left to give
i tried to give her laughter and hugs
but my throat is just burned and empty
and my arms are just pale and empty
so she can't say i didn't try
pissed off: if making other people happy is what makes her happy
maybe she could have us on her mind a little more
and maybe when she asked "again?"
she should've stuck around for the answer
i missed a lot of what happened above the surface, back on land, tonight
i think i will only remember Lisa Marie
and maybe Laylee's lap, amazing perfect hugs, and
the most comforting words: just "i love you" over + over
because coming from her
it has to be true
and i believe her and i trust it
when it's time to go
i almost get left behind without a ride
because no one remembered to tell me when they started piling in the car
because, by that point, they didn't remember that i was even there
thanks, guys
your consideration has made my heart so happy
Lisa Marie loves you
in the car they ask in between words, like breathing up for air
backwards -- under the surface
"are you okay?" punctuating every few minutes
actually not really but what kind of question is that
and since i'm not okay why should i want to be interrogated
i appreciate the thought ––
in fact i'm glad you noticed me at all
and am i okay?
"yeah"
because questions are too complicated
and if you can't tell
then you can't help
it's easy for me to blame this on the eclipse, you know
a weird spell, never again, etc.
but wouldn't i be lying, at least in part?
because i'm too familiar with this place
to pretend that a natural phenomenon alone can send me here
look how dirty the welcome mat is
where i cried tears in my head that will not come for my eyes, will not comfort me
look at the paint chipping off
where i threw lamps and plates at the walls, like in a movie
look at the deep dent in the big couch
where i sit in my mind all alone every day
and i am fully aware that i'm exaggerating
i guess my friends love me
but right now, with the doors closed and the windows sealed, i can't remember
and no one has knocked yet to get in

Monday, May 12, 2003

she was trying to tell me
about this certain kind of Hebrew flower
whose name she had misplaced
she had it written down but
she took it out of the pocket
of the jeans she decided not to wear
and she put on this white dress instead
and she forgot to zip it up
so i noticed her white slip underneath
before i offered my stumbling hands
to the aid of her exposed side
she had forgotten the name of this Hebrew flower
because she didn't think
she'd be encountering one tonight
she said this flower hardly ever blossoms
rarely -- so it's an event when it finally does
she didn't really describe it except
that it's so beautiful
so beautiful
she said i was like that flower
and sensing a running theme for this month
i wanted to laugh
but instead i hugged her
because it means so much that she would say so
and she (so beautiful) means so much to me
i wish i could tell you about how she is
a smiling star in white cast on the cliffs
of everything wrong in the world
but she keeps shining every night
she always comes back to tell me
how i am like a beautiful flower
that i look gorgeous today
that i'm a wonderful person
that i deserve to be breathing the same air as her
that i exist and it's okay and so am i
funny because
i'm hearing that fairly often lately
so maybe it's not such a radical idea
i think most of this bad stuff is just in my head
and what isn't, maybe the people i care about can get around
the people who care will find a way around
i'm learning that i am not so alone
so maybe i should just suck it in and blossom

Sunday, May 11, 2003

okay this is supposed to be funny. in one of those true yet exaggerated ways.

where is my sunset?
i've only got the thunder
and airplane noises overhead
where the fuck did someone hide
the lovely kids who are
SUPPOSED to be falling
head over heels in love with me?
friday night i was slightly part of this conversation
about who weird it was
to think about some bo(d)y out somewhere
having a crush on you
and no joke, kids, there is no one for me
no no not even any creepy freshmen
the only guys i ever see are either
too busy hating me
dating my friends
strictly platonic
gay
so i would be fucked
if i was only thinking about guys
but by this point
i would take anybody who came along
i am so sick of being the only one
and some of you will say
"oh alanna it's okay you'll find (t)him someday"
but fuck that, i don't believe you anymore
your words are empty
nobody has ever even so much as
had a little crush on me
and that is the honest truth
straight from mother's kitchen
and some of you will say
"oh alanna i'm not dating anyone either"
but hey that is probably your choice
or you at least have had someone interested in you
or you at least have some standards
do not deny it.
katherine, you have a fucking stalker, for god's sake
i DEMAND to be stalked
where the fuck is my high school sweetheart
my maybe baby
my "we're not dating but we might as well be"?
the lights just flickered
to match the thunder + my mood
i think Shakespeare wrote this scene
or maybe the fact that it just started raining again
is a sign from god? (haha)
"oh alanna you are thinking on the right track
like you always have been
keep up the good work!"
very funny.
nice one, god.
well since you're listening
let me not get sad at sweet love songs
just because they can't apply to me
let me not relish in seeing my friends in great relationships
and hearing their romantic stories
how you two are
perfect
so in love
really happy
friends with benefits
obsessed
great... when you're alone together
just having fun
shit. lightning. i've lost my train of thought now
because i have a 50-track mind
i guess it can be seen from far off
a warning before somebody gets too close
just like the pale bald tracks running down my body
my sanity is slipping out through them
and i am running really low right now
especially since it's late saturday night
and you know what that means
yeah that's right girl you go on
and remind yourself
why they don't like you
i guess nobody wants to keep up with
my 50-track mind
my mood swings
my depression
my loud
my obnoxious
my ugly
yeah that's right girl that one is a real esteem booster
well this isn't big enough to kill myself over
(even though i'm in the bathroom -- my official suicide place)
because i can always get cats
plus i'm too hideous for the prostitute route
i don't want to hear you tell me that i am a beautiful human being
and how great + funny i am
and how stupid everyone else is for not seeing it
what the fuck will that do
shut up talking and date me, if i'm so cool
....see?
i told you, muthafucka!
you are empty words!!!

Saturday, May 10, 2003

"there's is an important "official announcement" to be made, this saturday night, approximately 7:35......before the beginning of our shorts program, which will include two Do you know where your children are productions.....be there, or be squashed avacado. Seriously, and your whole board should be there. SO DON'T MISS IT ON YOUR LIFE, and, EVERY PERSON YOU KNOW SHOULD BE THERE, because, if they aren't they'll all miss out on a special announcement.



ok"



this is a message from the lovely morgan jon fox. i call on everyone to obey his demands and be at First Congregational Church (1000 S. Cooper) at approximately 7:35 tomorrow night.





media co-op

Friday, May 09, 2003

it was just another friday night
and my party got a little slow
nobody else was available
and it was just 3 people eating oreos
so me + laylee + robin went out on the town
well
down the street anyway

we hung out in the Smart Mart
that those nice koreans own
and even after Sonic
we still don't want to go home
we even tried Texaco
we tried Midtown Foods
and after it all we know
the one thing we have left to do

loitering in the laundromat
loitering in the laundromat
robin's playing mortal kombat
this is where i always wanna be at
just loitering in the laundromat



photo of robin, taken by laylee
hey, you called me bitter
but you can't just call me bitter
and leave without my laughter
so i told you that you don't matter
yr ideas are so outrageous
you think homosexuality is contagious
you have a mind but you don't use it
i don't wanna hear about how you lose it

I TOLD YOU SO
WHY WON'T YOU GO
FUCK UP MY DAY
this is NOT okay
and i will NOT just sit here
and listen to you say
that i'm the mean one
i'm the bitch
success won't have
any part in my mess
so i am evil
i'm unclean
heartless little motherfucking
stone-soul machine

yr a pathelogical liar
i can't trust a thing you say
and even before i found out
i didn't like you anyway
you said you were raped and you bragged about it
well the girls who really were sure don't shout it
go back to the depths from whence you came
oh my god you are so lame!

I TOLD YOU SO
YR IN MY THROES
YR UNDER MY THUMB
cause i am NOT dumb
and i have friends + love
i am NOT numb
so yr the mean one
yr the bitch
yr only as annoying
as a goddamn itch
because i don't care
what you think about me
because.... you know
i "don't care about anything"

i can't pretend to be nice to you even though
yr not the only one thinking what you do
i seem really judgemental according to ted
i think the hardcore has gone to his head
johnny told my friends i'm really "scary"
not that they don't know i am no fucking cherry
i don't need to be the one getting the most love
cuz shit like you filters thru till i get the best love

Monday, May 05, 2003

i come home from the movies
to find the bathroom sink steadily dripping water
and it makes me want to skip the hand-washing this time
as penance for wasting somebody's life source
but then i could end up with hepatitis
so i just stick my hands quickly under the faucet
turning 'slightly wet' into 'clean'
but it's okay because mom bought vanilla cokes and
brownie ice cream yesterday
forced me into a jail called "girls' night in"
and even with me having to be there
and having to gorge myself with cookies and milk
and having to watch a mediocre movie with a hot actor
so that mom can cry and cry like i wish i could
i remember the feeling of august september october
i remember the feeling of connecting with certain people
for maybe five minutes every week day
i remember weekend nights cold and alone
i remember isolation and wondering what everybody i
thought i was close to was doing right then
it's those same thoughts that are killing me now too
you know the ones
"why am i still awake and gulping down caffeine
making my throat lumpy so that i will have an excuse not to talk?
and what am i doing at this hour of the night waiting for somebody
to ring the doorbell or to call my lonely phone number?"
i really am a wishful thinker no matter what i project
and i feel guilty because i am a bad friend
who can't be told what is really going on
and i feel STUPID that i didn't suspect
because i trusted
so instead i just get parts of stories and breadcrumb hints dropped
along the milky way to the murky truth
only i can't tell if i am supposed to take the bait
but it's okay because two days ago i remembered
how beautiful some people are and learned
how beautiful some can be
and us just running through my backyard can create
threads that are stringing us together now
i'll remember it as a couple of hours when we were tied before
i flew with angels in the late sleek night
i loved that she sat in the middle seat so that i had her in my arms
playing with her curls and trying to make her laugh
and i hope her teary eyes dried on the way to getting comfort donuts
i loved him demanding that i hug him so that he could pick me up
and swing me around the driveway
twice
i learn that i am truly a bird and he is my wings
i loved holding her firm by her constant hip handles as the sun creeped out
in her bed i remember every detail that i love about her
i wish i saw her more and i wish we could always talk uninhibited like in the late sleek night
and nights should never end
but it's okay because this morning i woke up to a really loud fly
buzzing around and smashing itself repeatedly into the glass of my window
and since it was just last week when i discovered that they weren't painted closed
i opened one up and it's a real sunday morning
when i can lay there in bed with the wind on my face
and pretend to fall back asleep to the sound of the hoses watering the roses
my little insect friend doesn't realize that he is humming to the wrong window
his little serenade has been for nothing because that one isn't budging
plus there is still love that i had no idea i could contain
i don't think i am big enough to hold it, anyway
no wonder there's no room for me to be someone
i am all full up with how beautiful everything is
i smile with my eyes closed to keep happiness in stock behind my mind
and the bugs are buzzing along

may 4, 8:20-11pm, on and off. may 5, 6:30am, geometry, geography, biology

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

mark skin yellow to remind me that i am needed
"oh yeah - don't forget to put yourself in this time
don't forget to pack you"
and i think i would've
i forget that kind of thing
and god i do get jealous so easily
i need to step back
from far away the marks don't matter
we are only shadows
not a pile of words tinted by rainbows
not scars or X's or connected dots
but look at us shadows together
you're just going to have to remind me
that to be shadows we're required to have sun
in this darkness i forget
mark sky yellow to remind us that we have light
(and love, and all that, etc)
and we know that
we can't really pretend that we forget
but yeah i did lose sight
and god i do get jealous so easily
you have to forgive me
for the things i don't realize that i do
and my mistakes are just easy to hide
because i have had so much practice
and hey, i love your imperfection
so don't worry
but i'm sorry
i hate that i can't be completely raw truth
i admit it. i am a liar.
devious coniving manipulative evil
like mom always said
and she didn't even really know the whole of it
so raise a glass to mother's instinct
and cheers to imperfection
for now we can simply be shadows together
i need to make it last
and maybe, as long as there is sun, we'll be okay
actually
i really need that
and i need to be okay
i don't know how to function in the dark anymore
and i am going to be so broken
if we break
i guess i should just keep hiding lies
so that you won't see how i have to hide behind them

Monday, April 28, 2003

i walk so lightly that
i realized i'm barely staying on earth
i was stepping on glass shards
without being cut
i want to leave the pieces on the soles of my feet
and i'll walk down to the parking lot across the street
where there's always broken bottles
i will cross the whole place twice
and work up defensive glass feet
glass slipper shields that i will drop at the palace
in the garden
next to the flowers i planted with my own glass hands
green brown blue glass slippers stained red
because i had to keep them on
because i can't let myself lose them for a prince to find
i will be my own prince searching for a foothold on the world
big enough to let me in
small enough to keep me there
i'm floating away lately
i am standing in the backyard digging a hole
still wearing glass
on small feet and like shrapnel in the pale skin of my arms
i am destroying dirt and slicing roots
plunging madly into the land i barely stand on
if i plant myself here in a ground coffin
maybe i will blossom
and mom will come to press the air out of the soil
while i wait patiently
i've been waiting patiently
and all the flowers look so nice
spring fever again
and i swear this spring is the most elemental
and this fever is the most burning
i have a need to be watered in my soil
i need to water myself and the shirt of a friend/lover/stranger
while i can finally cry
and string the tears from my eyes into ropes to the sky
i have a need to see the world through salt and blurry vision
i need to see myself with cleansed eyes
i'm still only a little girl walking on glass shoes
that keep her separate from the world
and if she starts to float aways
she wants friends/lovers/strangers/Charmings to anchor her back down
even if she pricks them as she destroys her slippers
realizing that she is part of everything
her own being shattering the glass wall she put up between herself and them
recognizing love and acceptance as roots reaching towards her
she isn't really part of everything
but she's not completely separate

Sunday, April 20, 2003

i forgot just exactly what it was
that i loved about you
but you got up and said
familiar words
and the sound of you
resonating through the room
spitting ideas so fast
i don't know if you knew
what was going through you
but my heart fell off the see-saw again
you were back up there
shining in the pantheon
i held my breath
and your hands were writing the air
to think we were in the same air
to think you kissed the top of my head
to think you called me gorgeous
to think i want pink pants and a tambourine
to think i was invited though i can't be there
to think i still can't find myself in front of you

Saturday, April 19, 2003

Concerts are:
-not being able to see over the barricade of tall guys in front of me and my friends helping me push to where i can see
-red x on my hand indicating that i'm a minor and i can't go up to the bar
-a woman wearing a tight white nurse dress clutching her ass with her boyfriend's hand
-covering my own embarrassing body head to toe until i am music head to toe
-a stage cast in glittering fluorescent filtered light shedding smoke to the music
-my thighs touching when i sway
-just bodies and music
-so many people with one connected mind
-intensely quick roadies running out to fix the shit
-the drummer and the bassist singing strong even though they don't have mics
-eyeing the beautiful girl with the nose ring and the beautiful boy with pink hair
-seeing the stage more clearly than the people right next to me even though there's a huge cloud of smoke in between me and the performers
-thinking that the rhythm guitarist just made eye contact with me
-scissorkicks and swing moves and those great jumps that rock bands do
-the musician actually glowing on stage, and that is no metaphor
-remembering that the music comes from people and not photographs, that they wear clothes and have expressions
-falling in love with them for being real and having the strength to make so much sound
-the drum pound pounding right in my head and the guy is practically standing now, he's playing so hard
-finding escape and relief in the mixed smell of cigarettes and pot clinging to my clothes and skin for days after my ears start to work properly again
-a slight reverb in my ear making me think that more people are singing than there are. i think i can hear ghosts.
-touching my neck to hear my own bones vibrating to the hum of the sound and when i scream i feel it bursting through my throat because in here i can be the loudest
-all of my bones shaking with little solid stale water flying down my spine
-learning a new beat from the bass pounding my weak heart and it's trembling with sound
-not just that i want to marry the bassist that got him into my heart. he shattered my pulse and if someone were to check, i'd be pronounced physically unfit
-pumping blood coursing through my whole body and shaking up all my veins and teaching me to dance
-so loud that i can't hear myself think and this is what i have been looking for every time i turned on the stereo or put on headphones
and this is just what i need


help me add more to this list because it isn't long enough and help me fix this because i can't express this very well.
usually i remember trips as
drinking acid
counting 4 dead creatures on the side of the road
trying to convince my family
how good this album is
i will remember this trip because we all
(my grandmother + her son + his 2 daughters)
talked for an hour or so
we covered all the bases
she asked (as usual) if the boys are cute
and she made me tell her all about brock
even though i said over and over that he's just a good friend
she asked (as usual) how school is going
and whether or not we like it
and if the boys are cute
we talked about it all
and she said
--and this is pretty much a direct quote
from an elderly eccentric bible-thumping baptist republican woman--
"it doesn't matter how much money you make
as long as you enjoy what you're doing"
and she told us about how "[grand]Daddy never
made much money but
he did a lot of good for the forest"
i can imagine him young + dashing
with his 50s haircut, cleft chin, and dimples
(minus the wrinkles)
sitting in a tower above thousands of trees
making urgent calls on an ancient rotary telephone
warning the other foresters of a fire brewing
having drinks afterwards with smoky the bear and all the rangers
but he would just have a ginger ale, please, because he's a good christian
and i am so proud of my
elderly eccentric bible-thumping baptist republican grandparents
and i sleep soundly that night
the next day i am sitting on the patio and granny asks
if i've considered going into nursing
because of course i'm a woman, so i can't be a real doctor
and of course i'll meet a nice man when i'm just 21, almost ripe for medical school
but i won't even need to go because we'll get married right off
and i'll pop out a couple great-grandkids for granny
and i'll be able to live off his good money as a nice secure house-wife home-mom
she doesn't even give me time to answer her question
she never really wants an answer when she asks
she would rather just answer this herself
and think that i am living how she wants me to live
of course i can't tell her about
my secularity
my bisexuality
my liberal politics
my loud punk music
my artsy weekend nights
my open-mic open-mind poetry
because of course she doesn't want to know

Friday, April 18, 2003

she automatically thought about what she should be doing now
rather than singing along but
i feel bad because she can't sing along since she doesn't know the words
and i feel bad because i should've taught them to her months ago
so she is concentrating on her work
but i love it when she laughs out loud and whispers words to herself
i love the stars by her eyes almost as much as the stars in her eyes
and the click of her pen and how she had to borrow my headphones
and i wonder if he always wears a pony-tail to sleep
i love the look of him leaning on my pillow
how delicate his eyes are when they're closed
how carefully he took off his glasses
how innocent without the frames to protect him
i feel bad for him having to concentrate on holding them, and the pen
and i feel bad for the sun shining through his lids not letting him rest soundly
i am one leaf on one tree in the whole hilly landscape
with a cookie-cut splintered spine bent
over a yellow stream
i am not ready to dive in
but i keep coming back
and i can't make it clear
but i love the way
the pebbles look when i throw them in
like how i love the shapes on paper
and these specifically look worse than normal
because this is a rough road
but it's not as bad as if we had
to drive sideways on the rocky cliffs beside
he kept asking why i'm smiling
but now we can't see me grinning at him with his eyes closed
he's still carefully barely got his glasses and pen in hand
twisted over his knees beneath his arm under my pillow
his slightly parted lips during the drum solo
and his eyes are really beautiful like this
and now it's just me and dad
sharing nothing but genes and a favorite ani difranco line
but during this time we three have been one being again
and i felt so connected to two people in the dark
three voices strung together with night
three bodies connected by our hands, crushed on all sides
three faces pressed against the wind of our journey
three beings close enough to melt into
one mind singing to the harmony we have found

Thursday, April 17, 2003

i'm lost
i had the trip all planned out
i could see the road real clearly
a white path up my arm
splattered with freckles
and i was okay
until i found out where the road came from
it's not supposed to matter where the path started
when you're walking down it
but only where it leads
so look at all the things i thought i'd do
but haha fooled you
this pale road is actually black
and see the twisted skin?
and filthy obtrusive protruding bones who won't keep in their place?
and disgusting blue veins?
and the 20 white horses on a red hill
are something more like 15 rabbits strung with briars
scattered through a metal raspberry patch
and he keeps turning around
to see what i'm doing
and he doesn't look at me
like i look into the mirror
(filthy - disgusted - hate)
but he can't know what i'm hiding
and he can't know all the ugliness
that didn't leak out
he can't tell what ugliness
i keep locked inside

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

so you cough against the black green board
because you still can't turn around
eyes are always waiting
like they want Something from you
just for existing there
and Something is too hard to swallow
so you just stand around and swallow
air like it is life
that's funny
because it is, you know
it's just oxygen
so it's all you can do to breathe
and skim your bitten-down nails
over a bitter black green sea
and it scratches not any ocean
but your own surface
and waiting for some girl to drop her hanky
for you to rush in
because that's what they said
you just never thought you'd find
some tissue wet and sticky with blood
waiting on your doorstep
and this substitute won't cut it
so you'll just bend like a willow
weeping to the wind
and watch a line of ants crawl by
you see a castle in the sky
and you wonder how to get there
you found some stairs, but made of air
that's funny
because you know it's just oxygen
so it's all you can do to breathe
and step by step
you're going up

Monday, April 14, 2003

and that was you flashing by again
leaning out the window
of your shiny new ride
throwing jagged rose blades
into my tiny new heart
you don't associate with holes so you're
pouring jug after yellow milk jug full
of tipsy lisping songs into a cold soil
i am planted and full
of little wilting dances tinkling full of dew
we're asleep in a box of matches
i'll make the bed for you because
i know you have to hurry
to skirt the wet rain
i know when you get home
you'll be covered in silver dirt
and our world all yellow
like a leaf fell on top
and just crinkled for forever
because we couldn't make it stop
can't kill the veins running down the street
even though we unclogged all the gutters
we had to clear away our own cobwebs
just to get to the brooms
so we just made a huge ordeal of the whole thing
and we can peel away the orange
before it's even peeled
and strip away the red
off every apple core
we'll ship it off in a box of matches
all over the sea
because we like the clean green spring thing bare bean cold sheen shine machine we made look
at it
like i look
at it
look
didn't you want it?
and you can't leave me here like i'm
something old and moldy in the fridge
you can't leave me
i am not bread
you don't associate with wholes
but i'll be halved
without you

Sunday, April 13, 2003

she has to apologize
because you are
one damn beautiful flower
and now that she has
gone and mowed over the
whole damn garden
she knows it isn't
what she wanted
she can't get rid
of the feeling that she is
spinning on this merry-go-round
you were pushing her for a while
she was laughing too loudly
now she can't see you anymore
she's still spinning
but everything is
blurring
together
and that blue could be you
but it might be
the sky or
the sea or
someone's jeans
because right now
everything is so
upside down
and the world is just
blurry
and she doesn't want
definite lines
she just wants to know
if that blue is you
mom says it's time to celebrate
so better get ready
which translates into
get pretty
it is easier for me to break the mirror
than put the lipstick on
my eyelids are already dark
from too many late nights
and i shouldn't hide that
with a haze glaze of lying powder
even when i know what
the gazes of wolves feel like
making it hard to remember to breathe
the phone rings
it's anastasia, she's
jumping in the elevator so that
it won't get stuck
she is afraid to be bottled up
she has that kind of physical
claustrophia like being stuck in
elevators and mental --
she doesn't want to be boxed in
because she will always be a hurricane
and she's practiced lying
different stories to the same people
i quiver as i click down the reciever
i don't know how to kill the
same thoughts held by different people
and i don't know well enough how to
leave sanity without looking around
they don't let across any liars
to this side of the water
i think this is home

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

i accidentally said out loud “i'm gonna kill myself next year” and the guidance counselor two feet away with her eyes on me didn't offer any guidance and looking at ms. ennis yammering on about how we are all going to competitive colleges because we have goals for the future and we know what we want to do with our lives we want to be doctors lawyers successful and think how terrible we would turn out with no AP classes. looking at ms. ennis and my schedule -- the product of adult and peer pressure -- brings me so close to sobbing that i can't answer her questions because i know my voice will split into a thousand glass splinters and i will shatter in my tiny shell. i hate myself for the courses i'm taking i hate myself for the study hall i'm justifying and it's not even about the grades. i want to please the people i love i want to be with the people i love i want to be doing what i love i want to learn to love myself and, ms. ennis, you are not helping my self-esteem and i hate your pathetic shit-driven shit-ridden guidance. you and your society have shot down my dreams like little geese in the sky because hunting is not a crime here in the south and it's funny that i should mention geese because remember when they would land in the courtyards in middle school and we would watch them instead of class? i remember watching geese and squirrels and leaves but not the blackboard. now i don't know what to do because this classroom is in the basement and we don't have any windows and i don't know what to do because i am not old enough to make decisions for myself. if it were up to me i'd just take some honors classes and i'd sign for Astronomy and German or something and if it were up to me i wouldn't be so nervous and i would be making films daily and it wouldn't matter what some “guidance” counselor thinks (or what she's telling me to do, classes she's telling me to take, how she's telling me to live) because i'd have a strong-minded person to listen to instead. plus i can't stop thinking about the choices i've made because i wrote “classes” on my hand to remind me that i had to decide today and now that it is done i can't think long enough to rub ink off my skin. i have planned myself some amazing hell. it was not supposed to be like this. i'm shaking under my jacket and tears have been pushing their way out of blinks slowly over the last two hours and i can't think straight and i'm fucked up and i hate it. i am mad at myself for not being satisfied with AP/competition/lawyer. today i only want a hug from someone i love, to hear that i am still beautiful and now that life is sort of constantly like that, metaphorically, i thought i would get the literal thing easily. nah. i only get the gift of “LOOK AT THAT UGLY GIRL” in my ear drilling into my head. and no wonder i have no confidence, huh? don't worry, this thing is only a matter of time, right? time until i get over my stupidity until i get over my choices until the year of hell is over. hey i'm just jealous of your good day.

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

i can't hold anything up
and i'm taking in all the water
inside is too empty
and i need to know i still have
contents
so i am only full of water
full of water and bullshit and
the me that i can't stand
because look we're back to this old theme again
self-hatred
and where did all of this go for a while?
except before i just hated my mind
and my body for being my body
not for being female
i remember this
sitting on the cold sobbing bathroom floor
my paper and words cloaked in cat hair
and it's much too late
because if i had gone to bed an hour or so ago
these thoughts would not have been born
so it's late
and i'm even more insulted this time
again i've been unconsciously rejected
only this time i thought it might not happen like this
because he likes you
and he's trying to show it
he likes you so much
he talks his verses through to you
and i wash my face hard
but soap roughly over my skin
will not take off what i am
and i am waiting for the call
that isn't coming
because my wings are poking you
my angel wings are sticking you in the wrong places
and it hurts
so i'll stop
and when i go the feathers will disappear
because i didn't have wings
until you saw them

Monday, April 07, 2003

"you like her?"
yes of course
how could he not when
she gives him what
no one else does
when she is
exciting and
brand new as
tasting pink rain of a
cloudless day
and electric silk shocks
of laughter and smiles
and the kisses of her eyes
and i want her to see me
and have her be the one
to get questioned
"you like HER?!"
because if you like me
i won't mind
and if you like me
they'll probably call you crazy
hey, Love
i'll see you around
at your next appointment
slide into the slot
of your allotted time
i love these moments we have, Love
and you know that, don't you?
do you think we could fix this
to three times a week, at least?
i would say that we both deserve it
we all deserve a little more
beauty fit into a tight place
and somehow there is room for me
in the space between
your shining and my smile
karma macchiato
come on get in
the car is waiting for you
laughing and lying
egyptian style
on the pillows who are your friends
and when we start singing
i swear there are
more voices than just ours
i am crushed when we quit rolling
dragging myself up and out
put on a smile for them
smile crushed by the weight of
not carrying someone
but the doorknob in my palms
turning
they are waiting
but you're sped off
i hate for a night like this
to end
and i want to preserve it somehow
roll it up in a jar for the top shelf
take it down and stir it up sometime
so that i can remember
and the noise of our dreaming
over the sound of our breathing
and how your laughter surrounded us
splashing through a waterfall
showered and enveloped
with what you taught me
and it is just you
armed only with words and laughter
and an impossible aura
that is swimming to meet me
and in moments like these
we really do become one
we really are beauty
and we dance tonight
i feel this poem still needs some help. please give me advice. the end is a reference to brock's "panacea" poem. written today, march 19, 24, and 25.


he's too big for his body
and some definition
some words
boring weird male enigma
he will prove himself he will prove them wrong
because Goddess is on his side
no he will not be afraid of dancing
he will not be afraid of his beauty
no no no he doesn't need them
he doesn't need ridiculous comments
he doesn't need you
all walls down
he's too big for this school
where he is dwarfed by a big empty
big status
big possession
he's too big for that house
and the bobble-headed boys
in his bare living room who
might just never grow up
might just nod through life
when i've got a headache
his noodle day makes me better
and i wish we could go hunting for rolly pollies together
i want to transfer a tiny sphere of life
from my palm to his
i want his happiness
he is cutting down on coffee!
he is slowly killing his tea addiction!
boy, you are beautiful
i'm glad that we met the kid at
Sonic who used to go to school with you
and he left hating us
but he left hating us as ourselves
he drove away maiming us mentally
not having never known that we exist
because
we exist
LOUDLY
we are
ALWAYS US!
you
boy
you
have to admit that you enjoyed that
and look at what we can be all together
one big big being
what makes him tick?
a big big heart
classified enigma in
a big big world
scrawled in black ink-paint all over his keen hands
not your boy
and he laughs
and the whole big big world laughs
i promise that boy
will find a flat and fill it full of beauty
things and people
surrounding himself with wonder
he will go to Bombay, India
and try to get into a bollywood movie
by belly-dancing through the streets
waiting to be cast as an extra in a dance sequence
singing “VAYASHIANAYLADYAEKEAGOIA”
at the top of his high high voice
with that high high note sitting in the top shelf
one day he will be fulfilled
he won't have to keep searching for friends
when he is brooding at Paris street cafes
he will be approached by dead-thin artists
and love-sick poodles
and teary-eyed middle-aged women bearing pastries
who see him for what he is
he will be satisfied
when he lives in a nutshell house
with me and our beauties
he will be satisfied
as a gypsy dancing under a white-toothed moon
life is beautiful
and so is he
he is up in that smile
constructing constellations
fixturing the stars
i can see him on a ladder
palette in hand
painting the clouds on
i can't wait to see his sunrise
i can't wait to see
where this is going
he wants to be
free
frisbee-throwing
psuedo-pot-smoking
brooding, intellectual
loving and loved
gypsy boy
don't be upset
we love you too much to know you are unhappy
look at the moon smiling at you
as pixies we sprint over silver grassy fields
in the pale silver light
see the beauty of the night?

Thursday, April 03, 2003

it's not even 7am yet
there are only two cars in the parking lot
of Adult Fantasy Warehouse
i figure on belongs to the owner
and the other belong to the copper girl
standing outside the back door
getting keys?
or waiting for Boss to let her inside
now that she's given him the password
like the way she flaunts her body every day
she has her head down
trying to hide her face from the passing cars
because i'm riding on my way
to hear a woman preach to me
that abstience is freedom
and she knows!! because
she got pregnant AND married at age 17 and
she has been happy for 34 years
because apparently
at 17 she knew she was in love forever
and that she would be with only this person
for the rest of her life
but it's not okay
for us to make that decision
it's not okay
for us to go past a quick kiss and hug
because we ned to think about
GOALS
CHILDREN
MARRIAGE
well.
i know already the terible mother i would make
so i am skipping that one
and i know that i dont believe i can fit into marriage
as a stiff mediocre medium
i know my goals
and i can't see how young love would hurt them
you have come too late
we have minds of our own, now
you should have gotten to us
when they were teaching us how to conform
and i can't decide who makes me sadder
the Adult Fantasy girl
or you
with your fancy slides
thinking you are happy

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

you're always two steps ahead of me
flying along through streams of people
hard to keep up but
i'm right behind you
and you're still that milk-fed shake-head
you move and you're flying
float
pick me up in fiery skies
fly
pick me higher from these seas
you with charm-stung skin
your jumpy nerves reflect
the anxiety of your mind's eye
transmitted through your hands, your shoulders
your heart
flutters.
thump down deep
beat too hard
little bird trapped
little weak bird flies too hard
and she has got to sleep
because she shimmers through sheets in the moonlight
and this little bird cries too hard
she's up and she's lying
FINE FINE FINE
they shackled you
in the cage where your heart
beats so hard for you
it won't break
you are strong-willed but
they won't let it shine through
shape-changing for them
why
i see you like that
and i want to die
for my freedom
for yours
i want you to know what i do
feel the wind and cool breeze in the air
without monkeys having parties down our spines
i want to help flay whatever's haunting you
cast out the spirits they put in your head
because you're beautiful
and that monkey is an asshole
we'll throw him and his bananas
right out the window
and i do believe that
if we jumped out after them
we would grow wings
and sail the sky
navigate a new horizon of mysteries and beauty
let sunshine pour from thirsty eyes
into our hungry hearts

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

i don't know where imagining ends and real begins
the lines blurred between us
i'm swimming through it
and you are stuck on the bridge
the trolls underneath are telling you
not to cross
and you have never noticed them before now
now that i stand on the other side
with outstretched arms waiting
you sink back
i wait
the more this thing festers
the less it is about two people
the more it is about trolls under a bridge
and monsters under the bed
and whatever it is that you are scared of
and the things going through your head
you are deciding for the demons
this thing is dead before it can be begin
after this anticipation
and the terror of the rejection i'm saving for later
because really
i'm the hideous beast
grotesque and unlovable
what made me think
i could be worth something to you?
blind monster
lost in a river of souls
drifting amongst the trolls

Monday, March 31, 2003

crammed into a safe place
me: fit between new and newer
between the sky + the pavement
between the cartoon elf faery pixie angel
between safety i found with you
and the danger i knew was there but never saw
i love this tilted edge
i am free in the cold silk air
my heart catches fire
comfort is
being quietly stuck between love
and the jagged infinity
racing through the streets
in a car that has been familiar until now
being LOUD and firmly me
hanging into night air's cradle
over rolling asphalt
while slick yellow lines chase each other down forever
i'm in a state
in a theatre
in a lap
in laughter
in bliss
i am happy
this is where i want to be
a perfect medium
pain vs. beauty
i would rather watch you and say i wasted my time
right now we are different people
internally changed
by sparks + presence
with thick love nearby
clouds that have been passing us by
are clouds we are now lounging in
the ice we have been hanging on
melts to reveal thin shoots of beauty
stuck to the roof of
the place where our dreams are waiting for us
our bodies are heavy with our skin on tight
unchangeable we are stuck in
we are NOT stuck in life
we have places to go, people to meet
you can't define us while we are still in the making
look at where we're headed
we have creations to make, people to be
you can't stop us now

march 31 in mythology

Saturday, March 29, 2003

fallnpoet: ok i hope u stop crying soon

aLittleStarlight: so do i

fallnpoet: please dont



i like that. write about it.

Thursday, March 27, 2003

i lean over the railing to see
her initials spiraling down the twisted staircase
close cropped haircut from the top
makes me smile
and at the same time i notice
she's standing behind me
close cropped elf
staring down the back of my head
my silent statements drown on twisted staircase
she can't hear what i'm not saying to her
because of all the noise in here
i back out
into impersonal vanilla-filled flowers
and i'm sent
right back out
chasing down the girl who ran
we've got to get out of this
she's got to get out
she got out
i'll remember today as cutting class into slices with her
and chewing reality's numb bones
in our tiny white-bread white-bred teeth
until we were sick to our stomachs with melancholy melodrama
and burning constant invisible tears into the dirt of a tired world
we back in
to imperfection within stiff specificity
trying to hide our sores
even locked into sterile cubicle-boxed minds
we could still soar

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

i am looking for a glimpse of you
in the hall
by your locker
within classrooms
i memorized your schedule
and i've changed the flow of my day
just to see the wool on the back of your sweater
flying away from me down stairs
i'm creeping up behind you
breathing you in
breathing you deep
why do you run
we are just alike
we are monsters together
hearts racing secretly
hiding in cages in our chests
fingers reach out stealthily
through blackness toward each other
connect
we make red
connect
light shooting sparks
blows my cover
you are worth my exposure
we are worth this
now where is the paparazzi?

Saturday, March 22, 2003

as you can somewhat gather from the last post, elise, morgan, and i attended a DiY workshop at MeDiA Co-op earlier today, where we were hugely honored, even if they did make a mistake about morgan's age. the workshop was great. we're consiering buying final cut express and i think we are going to try using mics on our next project that will require them. which will probably be what morgan is focusing on right now -- retold fairy tale(s). everything is going great but we aren't being very tasky, which is sad. we didn't get as much accomplished over spring break as we had hoped, but we filmed a little for elise's movie, and at least we got some supplies for robin's. katherine is having ram issues with adobe premiere, so her elmer tribute has yet to be editted, and her music video is on a very long hiatus. as for me... editting rabid beaver broke my soul, and i don't even want to look at it to put the finishing touches on it. and until i get it off the harddrive, i don't really have space for something else. and some time soon i also intend to edit what was filmed of the play that elise, morgan, and i were in a month ago, country spacecraft ballerina. i'm also trying to film what i can of elise's movie on my own, and basically trying to get everyone else to remain tasky!

god, why do i have to do everything?!
The following is taken from MeDiA co-op's "Filmmakers to Study (diy pioneers)" written by Morgan Fox: (and we retyped it like he did.)

Do You Know Where Your Children Are Productions

(Memphis, TN)

This is one of the most exiting things the city of Memphis has seen in years in reference to a film scene. Do You Know Where Your Children Are Productions is a group of aspiring filmmakers ranging in age from 11 [12] to 16. Before you assume anything, watch their films. Before you ever say you can't do it, watch their films, before you ever do anything....watch their films, and watch out, because they're young, inspired, and talented as hell. "Recognized filmmakers" at the 2002 MeDiA Co-op digital filmfest, with the premiere of Romeo and Juliet revisited, an approximately 17min short film compiled entirely by the troupe was a smashing success to large audiences. With the troupes new series of music videos, each directed by a different member of the group, and all pieced together, and for the most part filmed by editing Genius Alanna Stewart, has shown their continual evolution of stylistic experimentation and general openness to growth of technique and form. Watch out, these genius youngsters roam the streets armed with camcorders and creative visions daily, waiting for their next project to unfold.

Their films are in the MeDiA Co-op archives



(WOW!)

Thursday, March 20, 2003

i am watching my life as a movie
out of the picture
i see her in the hallway
we don't make eye contact
actually she didn't see me at all
i saw her from miles away
section Z up in the balcony
up there the actors can't see me
i am walking in a story book
pasted on the picture
cut out and walking through some scene
no one can touch me
i am not here
in glass beside my eye
my hair's reflected in the sky
i think if a plane were to appear
it would make more of an impact on me
than anyone down here
i sit here all fucking day just staring into space no smile on my face. what the fuck am i writing? i am trying to escape from the latin language and ms. haughton's evil eye. but it's a good day because i made a couple people laugh even though i annoyed several more. i always just wanted to create some emotion get some response as long as i'm still me. it's not that i feel like it's my duty to be happy. i enjoy it so much i can't waste this 2o minute oasis like i wasted this paper. i think this girl i know hates me now. i was always afraid of this because she is so fiercely adamant about hating someone but she is so nice when she's talking to them. there were always two kinds of food-throwing situations. friends as jokes or she's sick of that person she wants to throw some baby carrots to signify how mad she is and laugh it off. she threw fruit at me during lunch. it's kind of funny but i don't think she meant it kindly this time. i think she doesn't want to tell me to go away because for that she would have to speak real words to me. that's okay. i liked my 2o minutes.
fuck! i lied. i just smiled.
something funny happened and i didn't even see it, but cody behles who looks like a teddy bear, burst into a huge quick laugh so different from his usual giggle. plus i'm bored of gladiators and this day is too long.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

i couldn't not notice the daffodils this morning
i'm falling in love with spring
a betrayal, i know
summer season love
has always been so obviously automatic
but now
i'm falling out of my own winter
seeing beauty
sensing love
a betrayal
but hey maybe i'll find that
summer is even more amazing
now that life is
and shouldn't my favorite season
reflect my state?
environment inside and out
my inner season is starting to leak out
pouring green over trees
licking up baby violets
smell the roses
spring is coming

Monday, March 17, 2003

i know you are scared
me too
i am scared out of my mind
and widly thrilled
you are afraid of kissing me
i am afraid of kissing
i am trying to act calmly
i have to contain this fear
i have to prove that i am better
than what came before
i will not make their mistakes
i have to show composure
because when you sound so sad
i need to make it better
you:
beautiful purring voice raining tears into my answering machine
me:
are you okay what's wrong what can i do
you:
no i don' t know i don't know
me:
helpless
you:
dying
i can't stand to stand by
while you are drowning
i don't have any remedies for problems
that can't be named
that i wouldn't understand
that are too big for my tiny body
yes i am blaming this on my family too
my little hands are dad's
granny gave me tiny feet
hell, we're all too short
i am a greyhound
shrinking i can fit myself to you
curled up small in the curves
please keep pouring your tears in me
my tiny body is still so empty
i need to know that you
aren't keeping your Issues in
baby
i am scared to death of fucking up
i am scared of just me
i am scared that you will realize that i'm not what you
thought / expected / wanted
i am wrong
you just wait
but don't worry
i am going to leave the phone on
i am going to leave the window open
i am going to be there for you
inevitably available
your blazing fingers sing
we're on fire now
the waiter set my plate down
"thank you" as i'm contemplating
what the fuck i ordered
i rotate the plate to see if this
creature
is more manageable from another angle
mom is smiling secretly
she reveals that
she knows
she is okay with everything
like i knew she would be
but over lunch because of one
silly mistake my sister made?
while she's sipping brown ale and
i'm trying to figure out
how to bite into my sandwich
funny because nothing has happened
we are just doing what we have been doing
plus talking
it's just a proposal
i am insistent.
mom says
"my january baby's growing up
my little girl's in love"
but she's always been
such a silly woman
and hopelessly romantic
so i don't know how to act around my family
they have never known something so big about me
i am so good at keeping hidden
and when this was right in front of them
did they see?
No.
it took a little nudge from a poem
that accidentally got left in their line of vision
not even my mistake
because i know how to wipe my tracks
as i'm running away backwards
so i'm on stage melting under bright lights
EXPOSED
performing a facimile of my life
i have forgotten how i used to be
i have forgotten my act
i'm trying to seem normal as usual
i have forgotten how to be around her
and i know they can see it now
when i lay against her shoulder
i hope at least they have a memory of who they think i am
that they can reteach to me
so "hi mom!" here's a shoutout to my family
the nosy noisemakers discovering me in here
back again? who let you in?
we'll get a bouncer for this haven
"All right, people, let's go somewhere else." Ironic that he even calls us "people" because the way he says it, he obviously doesn't believe that his words are intended for actual "people." We are never "people." We don't ask so much. Every morning Coach Fucking Brooks wants us to "move along" speaking generically into the air and onto the heads a foot or so below his level. Hey Coach, what's wrong with us right here? Are we in somebody's way? Sure, we are standing by some lockers but we are ready and willing to scoot over if some kid needs his books. Where are we supposed to go? Is there a designated spot in this huge school that we don't know about where we're allowed to see our friends before homeroom? Shouldn't it be okay to just be us for a few minutes before we slide back into the daily grind, just to have this one moment? Each of us could walk to our various homerooms in thirty seconds or less. We've been to our lockers. We've got no particular place to be. So Coach Brooks, where the fuck are we SUPPOSED to be? I don't want to be listening to the gory little details of my locker partner's Floridian spring break and I know she won't ask me about mine once she is fucking done, two minutes before the bell rings. Hey I can't see my friends after school. They're busy at Bridge Builders and Mock Trial and Model UN meetings. Plus, we were working so hard on AP applications a week ago, and with all these projects and essays on the weekends... No, these are "people" who don't have time for me outside school. But remember, this is White Station! We are too busy with Extra-Curricular Activities and racking up the Service Hours to have friends! Much less, TALK to them! Heaven forbid, what if we actually got to SEE them sometimes? Oh no, what if we fell that far off our Spartanian horses? What if that happened? We wouldn't get into the right colleges, and we would lead terrible, poor lives! Lives of LOVE, not MONEY!! Because "people" are money, school is money, SUCCESS is money! And didn't you know? Success is power. Success is me in a suit. Success is my husband coming home from a hard day at the office to his loving wife and kids, and a great from-scratch Southern meal. I will be successful!! Fuck yr Princeton! Give me community!!! But look at these "people," they are beautiful individuals. We are writers and artists and we're going to make movies together. We're going to get married and move to California. FUCK YOU, COACH! YOU CAN'T COME!
on St. Patrick's Day
my homeroom teacher says that
the rule about getting pinched
if you're not wearing green
only applies if you're Irish
so he's circling the room
interrogating us
with evil fingers waiting
then he's at my desk and
i won't look up until he's in my face
i'm the only person who got asked two questions
i wonder why that is
Are you Irish?
No.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
hey what could i say otherwise?
"no i'm very not okay.
i'm definitely awful"
in front of unforgiving eyes
i'm supposed to reveal
how alone i feel
my terrible weekend
pain because i am unloved
mentally abused
unwanted
no friends
no love
i am supposed to tell that to
the bald man in the pale green shirt?
i don't think so.
but i lied anyway
Yeah, I am Irish.
No, I am more than okay.

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

i am wearing your jacket
because it smells like you
so i can close my eyes
and pretend that it's you making me warm
and not this piece of cloth
that you left lying in my room
hey you left a piece of you over here
hey you left pieces in my head too
hey you are everywhere
filling me up
and i like you like that
whenever i move
you're drifting through the room
i want your hands in my hair in your lap in the park
i want always to see you when i open my eyes
i want grin-filled mornings in mid-afternoon
i want waiting for you to wake on our cloud
i want studying your elbow and your twitching toes
i want you to be there soft
like your jacket
but even more soothing and
able to return my hugs
no flimsy cotton could
beat your comfort form
the zipper here could
never giggle back with me
i'm burying my face in your scent
wishing you were here
your angel wings cover us on our cloud
your angel skin covers me in their place
warm angel, your shoulder blades are wings
beating within you
beating your heart
i could hear them when i lay there
with my ear against your chest
my own breath fluttering weakly alongside
catch myself in solace
finding us in gold
glistening star-girl suspended in night sky
come down to me
wrap me up inside your arms
your feathers will stick after you let go

Wednesday, March 05, 2003

i'm so so sorry
did i really become what i hate?
i don't want that to be inevitable
i don't want to think that happens
i don't want the breakfast club
i'm sorry i didn't approach you
i'm sorry for not saying sorry
i was careless and
i acted out of self-entertainment
this is what i hated
when their basketballs hit me
and they were too interested in the game
to apologize
and on the bleachers no one was sitting next to me
to ask if i was okay
so i had no one to lie to
i'm so so sorry
for classing myself in their ranks
for being associated with them
if i sent you home unhappy
a terrible end to a terrible day
i reassured myself that
you were fine
you were standing with friends and comfort
and you weren't
quite
crying
and even if i didn't say it then
i was so so sorry
teach me not to be like them
drinking devil coffee
on an icy, silver star
shivering and burning
sitting on cold stone
scorching though i'm froze
a place where i don't have to feel
what's in me or what is real
i will believe you!
if you make me better
just buy me coffee
to keep me sane
pour it nicely over me
when i'm not thinking i am free
freezing slow perfectly
wish i was a filthy ice queen
don't you believe me?
well can't you fix this?
i'll make you hate me!
don't want to know it
don't care for love
can't stand no pain
must numb my heart
make my soul burn
i do it nicely

Monday, March 03, 2003

i am dumb
i can't remember how to look at you
i don't live up to what i am supposed to
i don't live up to you
so i made up my stubborn mind
got some congratulations
got some reprimands
and now i have rethought myself
yeah, i'm so sure
so sure and
feeling stupid for my decision
and the reasons i gave
how i thought in my head
it made sense at the time
but spoken and
i hate myself
yeah yeah yeah nothing unusal
nothing new get on with the show
well let me tell you
i am headed for the stars
aren't we all?
this is not my path
this is not my decision
this is the closet i've come to peer pressure
so i'm caving in
who says i don't want
to be my friends?
i'd forgotten how much that means to me. how it cheered up my whole day. movies.... a little silly but it's something for me to love, something that we all connect with, put our positive energy into. with camera in hand i don't have to go to college. i can live in memphis forever -- the next digital savvy generation. i will sleep on these couches. i will exist in this office. i will survive in this theatre. imagine me editting away in that exact chair. me borrowing their tripods. (no, i will be loaning MINE to fresh-faced kids with dreams and dreams and dreams like MINE.) me popping organic popcorn, living on jelly beans, putting money into this thing i believe in so entirely that i will give up some luxuries for my cause. who needs TV and commercial cinema when there are indepedent films to be had? to be created? i would give up some baths if i could take part in making something beautiful. i'm on the road, i've already given up a meal or two just to enjoy their company. so why am i even considering making next year hell? you actually want me to give up my time to things i don't care about, even if it means missing their tuesday night workshops again? it will make my life hell and i will have no room to be free.
in 3 years
3 months
and 3 days
the date will be 666
by then
where will i be?
i want to be living with her
in California
Anaheim, San Francisco, LA
perusing gender studies
attending photography
cinematography classes
the girls who were never good at anything
finally fly on waves of film
we will flash a new light on our lives
and capture beauty in tiny darkrooms
we will make the world through a lens make sense
we will be looking at a big sky through the camera's eye
me and you

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

mom sent me off
to buy chilli ingredients.
neither of us was wearing shoes.
too cold for her outside,
but not for me?
i trek through the snow alone
leaving angry footprints
in my neighbors' perfect yards.
it takes me a couple minutes
to find the right beans.
and i never do find a
"spice pkg of cumin seeds or ground"
but i spend five minutes standing
in front of the mexican spice rack.
these two men come up next to me
(wearing matching coats, i swear)
they look like crazy indie guys.
they're also looking for some kind of chili spices.
i stall for as long as i can,
fiddling with my list and my jacket and the
products that came to my city, my tiny midtown grocery store
in order to satisfy the growing hispanic population
in the cheap apartments across the street.
here i am in my comfort.
here they are in their miniature ghetto.
here i am complaining that i have to walk to the store in the snow.
here they are having no choice, no car, no big fluffy coat.
here i am stalling next to my new favorite people,
handling the merchendise.
here i am wishing for them to be a couple,
watching their feet standing close.
they still haven't decided what to buy when
i slip away still empty-handed.
i just take the most generic seasoning up to the register
slide change into my pockets
wish change upon the world

Monday, February 24, 2003

lately i keep hearing what is good about me
but you know
i can't let myself forget all this bad
i was told that i am
a beautiful dancer
i was told that i am
full of grace
but i can't move the way i want
can't move people's minds
i was told that i have
beautifully thick raven hair
i was told that i have
good cheekbones
but i can't stand to see pictures of myself
can't stand to look in the mirror
i was asked what i have
been doing lately?
i was asked if i have
a boyfriend yet?
nope. sorry. not yet.
sorry to disappoint you again
still alanna
still a lonely little girl
i'm sorry, papa
no one ever taught me how to throw a ball around
no one ever taught me how to wear make-up
no one ever taught me to want to
i'm sorry, granny
i'm not a christian and i'm not getting married
i'm not having children
and my sexuality is ambiguous
i'm sorry, mama
i think your daughter's crazy
i think you brought your january baby
back into the warmth, in out of the cold
but in her mind she's still freezing in the snow
mama mama make me better
because i don't know what to do
still alone
wooden tiles checker the floor
ceiling too.
wet eyes for this
my wet eyes will leak and
tears will fall forever
i will soothe these ancient tiles
and cleanse old dirt
stuck like i am
stuck and i need someone
to cry warm rivers over me
i can't get myself free
you owe me tears and quickly
surviving stuck is hard on me
i am worn SO THIN
and i need not to be
clenched in the fists of
everything holding me down/back/here

Sunday, February 23, 2003

put money in your idle hole

*sob sob sob* today is the last day of country spacecraft ballerina, and as if that isn't sad enough, only a few hours after the show is over, tori amos will be stunning nashville and sleater-kinney will be rocking chicago. god knows i would have gotten someone to drive me to nashville for tori, but JUST LIKE LAST TIME, it was during a play. although last time it was more frustrating because i wasn't IN the play and people were just cruel. becca and laylee were talking about going to the s-k show, though, because it is their closest one on this tour. i want to go to 23905702357023597 concerts this summer. christ. it's not fair. why does memphis hate me? i mean really, we are not that bad. but i've recently been talking to this girl named hannaH from topeka, kansas. i mean come on. topeka! and they have a huge ani fanbase and a gay community at school that has fucking rallies and shit. and here i am in the home of rock and roll or whatever with no concerts to go to and not that many people who share my taste in music. that is probably part of what is wrong. damn memphis. we need better radio stations. well katherine and i could have supplied them with one, but NO. it is "illegal" for minors to be on the radio, even if they have an adult with them at all fucking times. that is such bullshit. don't get me wrong, memphis has a wonderful theatre community and a newborn indepedent film community and i love both of them.
speaking of, the play is going rather well. only one show left. *sob*
yesterday after school, before call, elise and i went to media co-op and hung out with morgan and josh for a little while and it was wonderful. they gave us this cd of the band they are in and some writings of.... anonymous people? co-op people? i am not sure. elise took it, of course, becuase supposedly she loves them more. but they came to see our play, and they danced even though they said they wouldn't. and and and it made us happy. ohhh speaking of happy, they made our week/month/life/existence indeterminably happy by emailing us after brittany sent them to our production company site. they enjoyed it very much, i think.
"Whhhooooooowwwweeeeeeeeee!?! - Josh
This stuff makes me wanna make movies when I grow up! - Brandon
Wow, that's revolutionary! - Morgan
Absolutely Amazing! - Denny
Ya'll Rock! - Collective Exclamation upon completion of viewing"

also morgan watched elise's video "untouchable face" after being recommended it by brandon, who watched it at brittany's house while they were working a short for their film workshop. everybody thought it was amazing and are intensely flattered. morgan emailed elise about showing it with his film experiment XVII and then they would talk about it afterwards about life/art, art/life, etc. he said that our video was an "extremely mature and intensely beautiful work of art" and we could not be more overcome with joy. elise called me after she got the email and we screamed for five minutes. and then on and off for a couple hours. it was great great great and i want some damn IDEAS for some movies to come rolling into my little brain because next weekend i intend to never put down the camera. if you want somebody to make a movie of your idea or something then please. help. alskdhoashieg. i am not a terrible editor. i do what i can with what i have. sort of.
also i cannot WAIT to see blue citrus hearts which is morgan's new movie, also featuring my sister morgan for a little bit. i am very excited and it comes out next month and yayyy and if you live in memphis you should come to the screening and if you don't live in memphis but you have some sort of independent film whosits, get them to attack this movie for you. yay ok yay.
ALSO lately A Dream of You has been going incredibly well! we have had at least one post every day for like a month. it's been amazing. we have 15 members now, and mostly they are enthusiastic. there are at least three people who have kind of forgotten that they are members, i think. it's too bad. i sent out huge emails and everything. *sigh* but pleeeease check it out, we would really appreciate it. if you haven't been, it started out with just me and brittany writing poems, but then more people joined and brought with them other forms of writing and drawing and paiting and photography and creating. it's so exciting and the atmosphere there right now is really fresh and beautiful and creative and it's a great place to be. i think everyone is glad to be a part of it. those who remember that they are, anyway haha. but it is one of the best ideas i have ever had, if i do say so myself. just because it's obviously being enjoyed by a lot of people. this is the longest post i've written in forever. it's actually kind of refreshing. i remember how much fun it is to look back and see what i did on days and now i'm sad that i didn't talk about any details of the play or going to ck's coffee shop with my sister and dad and sarah and elise last night or elise coming over afterwards or going to brock's bollywood festival/party/thing that wasn't or ANYTHING that has been going on in the past few months, really!!! but uh. i'm going to go to bed now.

(i hope you can tell that i plugged like a muthafucka up in this post and all of you linkees better be grateful)

Thursday, February 20, 2003

Mutant Spacebats Of Doom, where art thou? do you guys still want us to make a music video for you when you get a song recorded? do any of you even remember that we offered? please contact us if you are out there!

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

offer up feathery wings for you to lose yourself in. am always here. am everything and am not afraid. you will be warm here where you are loved. can hold you tell you truths like the world is really upside down, that you can fly, how beautiful you are.
these are some things that i am sure about.
i am not lying but i have trouble believing what i know.
i will learn to be a clever speaker.
i will learn to speak persuasively what i know with authority.
i will learn these things and maybe not feel lke
little hypocrisies are sliding between my teeth.
offer up tattered wings for you to wrap yourself within. am always here. am nothing and am full of fear. you will have to trust me here where you are loved. think that if you believe it enough i might transform to something beautiful for you.
give me reasons to be beautiful.
i am thriving on you
sliding
love-soaked wings through shoulder BLADES
all made of light
all made of nothing
like me
wings like me for me on waves of every airy thing
wings and i won't have to carry you because look -- now you have
wings and we can get away from here
wings and we will fly

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Nabikichan086: love you
aLittleStarlight: love you back
Nabikichan086: LOVE YOU MOSTEST! :-D
aLittleStarlight: LOVE YOU MOTESTESTESTERRRR
Nabikichan086: damn!
Nabikichan086” signed off at 5:48:44 PM.
standing there
she did not see me
i smiled
those five seconds made my day complete
my arm has been around her
my head has lain on her shoulder
her arm has been around my waist
her head has lain in my lap
her face close foreheads touch
her hair in my hands
we sure fooled them
people in the store, street, cars
people that know us
people like me
how could i have known that this is
just how it goes
she is glad to have someone who
doesn't mind being hugged
while i am glad to have someone who
doesn't mind touching me
enjoys being near me
likes my loose arms light weight
turns out i forgot to pack my brain again
turns out i forgot to think
i was supposed to remember
that could never happen
love does not fit me
i may have fit within her arms
she may have fit in mine
but i do not get love
i wouldn't call it attraction
it was all possibility
and newness
the beginning of something
spring
and i love her presence that much
enough to think about her lips
my hands in her hair
counting each other's feathers
it's sick, i know
because she never though of me that way
2 girls
we could have been beautiful
yeah
i guess it's nice to know
that those 2 ok
that they are what they have been
stubborn and marching on
in her eyes, at least
did she also leave her brain at home?
i wish she had
our minds could have nested together forever
with us (without) happily delusional
so
i feel deceived
thinking back...
what was said?
same as what she says to them
the lanka girls with boyfriends
the guys who do not date
the gay boys she dances with
she knows they all want her
i am no different
left my brain off
left it out and it's melting
i wish we could say that
it is she who has been wrong
what were you thinking?
and what took you so long
to see it? see me? see us?
i can't say anything.
there was nothing to see.
there was nothing to show.
sick and she is happy
sick for wasting the words
sick i am missing something and i need it bad
i want to be fully consumed
for her to look at me
say "this is where we came from
and this is where we are
this is what we feel so
we could learn to fly."
and we will look it in the eye
we could go back to everything
just how it has been
with arms and smiling bodies
if she will tell me how to see
my arm does not belong there
my head can not rest here
there is no room for me
i cannot convince her
but i am trying

Monday, February 17, 2003

i was illusioning myself
i should have known better somehow
that is just you being you
and me being wishful
you already have him
and all of them
you already have love
what was i thinking:
you glowed in those moments
fucking beautiful
and i could shine
but here i go again
i really don't know what to think
what's going on in my head
don't know why i get upset over something so small
don't know why my movement is too wrong inappropriate
don't know why
i need to not be this
don't know why
i need you to be around
don't know what's left to say
that is just you being beautiful
and me being stained
bring on another knife
if i ask you will say no
but you will stick it in
all the same
stupid still
i am asking too much
Frozen Heart--
it's been said before
so i'm not going to say it
i am sick of being so fucking trite
i need new words for old feelings
i need new ideas for someone stuck
it's sickening that i am jealous
happening again and again
i can't stand myself
my own thoughts
i wanted that and that was there
i needed it and it was there
i don't know what happened to the list i made
all i know is that there are so many more things on it
i've misplaced it somehow
and things are not turning out so well
only all in my head.
only some of the time.
she told me it's just hormones
god i hope she is right
i don't need to be even more messed up
Daily Horoscope for Aquarius on February 17, 2003
If you are worried about someone close to you, make sure that the problem has not become exaggerated in your own mind.You could be hearing conflicting reports that make the situation seem worse than it really is. Depressing people are not good sources of information.

I must say, sometimes these things are damn accurate.

Sunday, February 16, 2003


You are Louise Brooks: sassy, smart, and oh so
cool! You are a trend-setter and probably have
a quick wit! You rock!


Which Silent Actress are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Friday, February 14, 2003

wow! my second video project for school in a week! that is pretty impressive, if i do say so myself. unfortunately, however, the video is not. ermmm i editted it just now... i didn't film it, the girl who used my camera clicked the damn zoom thingie through the whole thing and it drives me insane. that's okay, she needed something to do in the project i guess. watch it.
my cat is five years old!!!!

we got her from House of Mews, which means she was a stray and the exact date of her birth is unknown but it is sometime in the first couple weeks of february. today, valentine's day, is the end of the first couple weeks of february so i picked a holiday to be her birthday.

happy birthday, silver sehkmet shadow moon!

Thursday, February 13, 2003

You are Irish
You are a Dubliner.


What's your Inner European?
brought to you by Quizilla


4
congrats!! your a stereo-typical indie fuck! your
nothin big nor special but still an indie fuck.
you are still into yourself more then anyone
else and look so damm fine. you dont get much
women but just enough to listen to a couple bad
emo records. you need a keyboard.


what type of indie fuck are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are a freeform writer. Individualistic with a
sense for the different and challenging, Walt
Whitman and his poetry lacking meter and rhyme
is just what the doctor ordered. You're quick
to write something that the rest of the world
doesn't accept as poetry, quick to separate
yourself from the average joe. An author with a
true sense of self, you have confidence in your
abilities and aren't afraid to show it. :) GO
YOU!


What's YOUR Writing Style?
brought to you by Quizilla

Fire advise goggle
You think you're deep, tortured and misunderstood.
You're not, you're just incoherent and a bit
silly. Now you know.


What Lord of the Rings engrish subtitle are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, February 10, 2003

last night my lovely family helped me make a video for my mythology class. it is pretty crap but you can watch it here. it's a sort of retold version of this myth and pretty much all you have to know is that the god Pan, who has goat legs and horns, falls in love with Hercules' girlfriend.



and my dad just referred to DYKWYCA as Do You Know Completely Where Your Children Might Be Doing Things?
i've been to three weddings
i think.
i was a bride's maid at age 6.
the flower girls tipped their baskets over
at the end of the long
l    o    n    g
long walk down the aisle in
my grandmother's backyard.
the pictures show all of us
laughing with the wind
kicking up our dresses.
all i remember
about my second wedding is long
l    o    n    g
long talk and i looked down
when he was allowed to kiss her.
my co-, ex- bride's maid gets
too much chicken.
my grandmother sends her back to
the buffet table
to put it all back.
maybe it was my co-, ex- bride's
maid's second wedding too.
maybe she felt too much like a convict
released from jail or
maybe it felt like
her last meal
before we grew up
and were pushed from the foreground.
my third wedding years later
(so many years for me
but i can hold them in my hands)
it has been such a long
l    o    n    g
long time and i dont know what i want
or what to wear
i wish for
my grandmother's itch persistence
she would have made me match
made me fit
but instead i go feeling like myself
--comfortable--
it is a wrong choice.
i am out of place and
i don't know anyone and
now that i am listening to the ceremony,
i don't agree.
i feel too wrong to sit at the tables
during the reception.
i am too naked to drink a glass of punch
or to eat all the chicken.
theif ex-convict sits in chair against wall
--uncomfortable--
wrong.
pushed to the background
by time
and me.
when i was the one carrying the flowers,
i had ideas.
ideals. dreams and plans and futures.
i would take another long walk in
an itchy dress
and make my grandmother proud.
some time in between the chicken
and the aisle
i would become clarissa and explain it all
i was guaranteed love and friends
with exactly right wacky clothes.
i think TV made it look too easy
i let everything go
and look at that
i ended up in the background
back here where there are
NO long walks
NO happy endings
NO fairytale kisses
some day my prince will come
so they say.
when he does i'll most likely push him out the window
it's not that i enjoy life more from inside the tower
against the wall
but i have got it down so well

Sunday, February 09, 2003




which francesca lia block girl are you?

(quiz created by shelle)



just thought this was interesting... i got witch baby the first time ("you're wild and mysterious you often feel like you do not belong")
i think i got weetzie because i put answers about having friends and being surrounded in love. what can i say except "thanks, genie."

Saturday, February 08, 2003

furiousXgeorgeX: you're not a nice girl. or a weird guy. you're just an abusive tyrant

Thursday, January 30, 2003

Monday, January 27, 2003

sick day and it's absolutely terrible.

Thursday, January 23, 2003

Accountability

She counted on those people to be there. It was like that trust game. The one where you fell backward and someone would be there to catch you always. That kind of crushing trust.
She'd been floating with this certain flock of swans. They would float along the water and look so nice that nobody else could make a sound. It was like trust. When she fell there was no one there to catch her. Her backwards swan dive left her cold on pavement alone in tears. Floating she was. Flock long gone she took to the sky in search of something solid. I think that she and the rest of the visitors to that ghost realm could tell you now. "Never go looking for solidity in the sky. Those clouds can't support you with your heavy dreams." But I think it was nice while it lasted.
She needed people to count on. Swans. "I am learning," she said, "that I can only count on myself." And that much was true, and a lot of things are true. Like quests are where she's headed because water and air can't hold her. She is going to the city. Solid city hard and beautiful full of bricks for her. Full and there is someone waiting to be counted on.

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

once time fell
and in the early we rang through
trees not noisy we are
dancing windless milky brain
with spin planet collide in eyes
space high we fly
flat plastered to sticky sky
floating stuck
and ride against night
on black
bareback

Tuesday, January 14, 2003

i want a genie. it's true. actually i have been looking for my goddamn genie for quite a while now. my wishes were to be surrounded in love all the time and to see the beauty of the world. i'm kind of upset because my wishes have, in part, come true but i didn't get to actually meet my genie. who am i going to thank? i don't have an address to send thank-you cards to. what number do i call up and say “ever since you saved me, my life has been exploding into constant fireworks and can we go out for coffee some time?” not only do i want to have some serious discussion with my genie about why my wishes didn't come true sooner, i want to beg for some more. since my genie doesn't seem to be coming any time soon, i will use this time and this space to extend a verbal cry into the universe: genie, you have shown me the beauty of the world and you have surrounded me with love and beings i would never have dreamed. but genie, where is the beautiful house for us all to live in? where is our paradise in the LA hills where we will grow our own food and sew our own clothes and make beautiful music and create movies to celebrate life? where are our secret agent lovers? genie, i know this is a difficult prescription so i will give you a few more years to fill the order but i am waiting and i am counting on you. until then let me bask in the glow of everything i have found.

Monday, January 13, 2003

by appearing from nothing
you made me remember
and you made me dumb
tense
awkward
my bubble i was loving it
loving in it
my bubble caved away and i am
naked in the open now
does that make you happy?
because you kept smiling
so I'm Hitler laughing nervously
you came here on your mighty, white steed
with a pistol by your side
and how does Hitler react?
hahaha thanks so much
and that's a mighty fine face you've got on
you helped me forget love
again.
but this time it was three minutes not
three years
we have become simpler and simpler
i keep finding little moments to represent
us. together.
but
doesn't this beat all?
doesn't this? you beat me
over and over this time
three minutes
i struck one hard
i hope because
i'm left with almost no confidence
but in an hour or so i will be
in the presence of people i love
because i am loved and there's nothing
you can do about it
tell me what you will
i am alive!
so you think i'm vicious?
i feel!
LOVE and you can't stop it
so i destroyed some little person's dream?
i want to build for big beauty
and i can
and i will
i am building for big beauty
and it is mighty
and i am fine

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

it is hard to be mad at the world anymore
this place seems too beautiful
what happened?
if i was ever an elitist
i guess i am not now
i have changed
what you like doesn't always effect
what you're like
i am not sorry i am different
there's only one person who would be offended
and she is gone now

Monday, January 06, 2003

today was the first day back to school from winter break... it was veeerrrrrryyyyy long. the only new class i have this semester is mythology, which should be better than etymology. i wish that laylee was coming to white station. i can just imagine her being in my lunch.
bad lunch news: christie and margaret have gone, lauren ricks and casey o'rouke have entered.
good lunch news: lauren dunn, katherine dohan, and brock have come!
after school brock and i had a hopping contest but he won because he is far too tall and i am far too short and so i died.

Saturday, January 04, 2003

"inspired by alanna's constant passion" by brock

Enthusiasm beams
From your enlarged eyes
An uncontainable jolt
Zipps through your spirit,
On code red: full alert
Your spiritual cotton
Wripping your seams
Thread giving way to
The sudden bulge
Your internal flame
Roars from fuel
It's the fourth of july sky
In the brain
And thought
Loses all sensibility.
Passion overcomes you.