Wednesday, April 09, 2003

i accidentally said out loud “i'm gonna kill myself next year” and the guidance counselor two feet away with her eyes on me didn't offer any guidance and looking at ms. ennis yammering on about how we are all going to competitive colleges because we have goals for the future and we know what we want to do with our lives we want to be doctors lawyers successful and think how terrible we would turn out with no AP classes. looking at ms. ennis and my schedule -- the product of adult and peer pressure -- brings me so close to sobbing that i can't answer her questions because i know my voice will split into a thousand glass splinters and i will shatter in my tiny shell. i hate myself for the courses i'm taking i hate myself for the study hall i'm justifying and it's not even about the grades. i want to please the people i love i want to be with the people i love i want to be doing what i love i want to learn to love myself and, ms. ennis, you are not helping my self-esteem and i hate your pathetic shit-driven shit-ridden guidance. you and your society have shot down my dreams like little geese in the sky because hunting is not a crime here in the south and it's funny that i should mention geese because remember when they would land in the courtyards in middle school and we would watch them instead of class? i remember watching geese and squirrels and leaves but not the blackboard. now i don't know what to do because this classroom is in the basement and we don't have any windows and i don't know what to do because i am not old enough to make decisions for myself. if it were up to me i'd just take some honors classes and i'd sign for Astronomy and German or something and if it were up to me i wouldn't be so nervous and i would be making films daily and it wouldn't matter what some “guidance” counselor thinks (or what she's telling me to do, classes she's telling me to take, how she's telling me to live) because i'd have a strong-minded person to listen to instead. plus i can't stop thinking about the choices i've made because i wrote “classes” on my hand to remind me that i had to decide today and now that it is done i can't think long enough to rub ink off my skin. i have planned myself some amazing hell. it was not supposed to be like this. i'm shaking under my jacket and tears have been pushing their way out of blinks slowly over the last two hours and i can't think straight and i'm fucked up and i hate it. i am mad at myself for not being satisfied with AP/competition/lawyer. today i only want a hug from someone i love, to hear that i am still beautiful and now that life is sort of constantly like that, metaphorically, i thought i would get the literal thing easily. nah. i only get the gift of “LOOK AT THAT UGLY GIRL” in my ear drilling into my head. and no wonder i have no confidence, huh? don't worry, this thing is only a matter of time, right? time until i get over my stupidity until i get over my choices until the year of hell is over. hey i'm just jealous of your good day.

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

i can't hold anything up
and i'm taking in all the water
inside is too empty
and i need to know i still have
contents
so i am only full of water
full of water and bullshit and
the me that i can't stand
because look we're back to this old theme again
self-hatred
and where did all of this go for a while?
except before i just hated my mind
and my body for being my body
not for being female
i remember this
sitting on the cold sobbing bathroom floor
my paper and words cloaked in cat hair
and it's much too late
because if i had gone to bed an hour or so ago
these thoughts would not have been born
so it's late
and i'm even more insulted this time
again i've been unconsciously rejected
only this time i thought it might not happen like this
because he likes you
and he's trying to show it
he likes you so much
he talks his verses through to you
and i wash my face hard
but soap roughly over my skin
will not take off what i am
and i am waiting for the call
that isn't coming
because my wings are poking you
my angel wings are sticking you in the wrong places
and it hurts
so i'll stop
and when i go the feathers will disappear
because i didn't have wings
until you saw them

Monday, April 07, 2003

"you like her?"
yes of course
how could he not when
she gives him what
no one else does
when she is
exciting and
brand new as
tasting pink rain of a
cloudless day
and electric silk shocks
of laughter and smiles
and the kisses of her eyes
and i want her to see me
and have her be the one
to get questioned
"you like HER?!"
because if you like me
i won't mind
and if you like me
they'll probably call you crazy
hey, Love
i'll see you around
at your next appointment
slide into the slot
of your allotted time
i love these moments we have, Love
and you know that, don't you?
do you think we could fix this
to three times a week, at least?
i would say that we both deserve it
we all deserve a little more
beauty fit into a tight place
and somehow there is room for me
in the space between
your shining and my smile
karma macchiato
come on get in
the car is waiting for you
laughing and lying
egyptian style
on the pillows who are your friends
and when we start singing
i swear there are
more voices than just ours
i am crushed when we quit rolling
dragging myself up and out
put on a smile for them
smile crushed by the weight of
not carrying someone
but the doorknob in my palms
turning
they are waiting
but you're sped off
i hate for a night like this
to end
and i want to preserve it somehow
roll it up in a jar for the top shelf
take it down and stir it up sometime
so that i can remember
and the noise of our dreaming
over the sound of our breathing
and how your laughter surrounded us
splashing through a waterfall
showered and enveloped
with what you taught me
and it is just you
armed only with words and laughter
and an impossible aura
that is swimming to meet me
and in moments like these
we really do become one
we really are beauty
and we dance tonight
i feel this poem still needs some help. please give me advice. the end is a reference to brock's "panacea" poem. written today, march 19, 24, and 25.


he's too big for his body
and some definition
some words
boring weird male enigma
he will prove himself he will prove them wrong
because Goddess is on his side
no he will not be afraid of dancing
he will not be afraid of his beauty
no no no he doesn't need them
he doesn't need ridiculous comments
he doesn't need you
all walls down
he's too big for this school
where he is dwarfed by a big empty
big status
big possession
he's too big for that house
and the bobble-headed boys
in his bare living room who
might just never grow up
might just nod through life
when i've got a headache
his noodle day makes me better
and i wish we could go hunting for rolly pollies together
i want to transfer a tiny sphere of life
from my palm to his
i want his happiness
he is cutting down on coffee!
he is slowly killing his tea addiction!
boy, you are beautiful
i'm glad that we met the kid at
Sonic who used to go to school with you
and he left hating us
but he left hating us as ourselves
he drove away maiming us mentally
not having never known that we exist
because
we exist
LOUDLY
we are
ALWAYS US!
you
boy
you
have to admit that you enjoyed that
and look at what we can be all together
one big big being
what makes him tick?
a big big heart
classified enigma in
a big big world
scrawled in black ink-paint all over his keen hands
not your boy
and he laughs
and the whole big big world laughs
i promise that boy
will find a flat and fill it full of beauty
things and people
surrounding himself with wonder
he will go to Bombay, India
and try to get into a bollywood movie
by belly-dancing through the streets
waiting to be cast as an extra in a dance sequence
singing “VAYASHIANAYLADYAEKEAGOIA”
at the top of his high high voice
with that high high note sitting in the top shelf
one day he will be fulfilled
he won't have to keep searching for friends
when he is brooding at Paris street cafes
he will be approached by dead-thin artists
and love-sick poodles
and teary-eyed middle-aged women bearing pastries
who see him for what he is
he will be satisfied
when he lives in a nutshell house
with me and our beauties
he will be satisfied
as a gypsy dancing under a white-toothed moon
life is beautiful
and so is he
he is up in that smile
constructing constellations
fixturing the stars
i can see him on a ladder
palette in hand
painting the clouds on
i can't wait to see his sunrise
i can't wait to see
where this is going
he wants to be
free
frisbee-throwing
psuedo-pot-smoking
brooding, intellectual
loving and loved
gypsy boy
don't be upset
we love you too much to know you are unhappy
look at the moon smiling at you
as pixies we sprint over silver grassy fields
in the pale silver light
see the beauty of the night?

Thursday, April 03, 2003

it's not even 7am yet
there are only two cars in the parking lot
of Adult Fantasy Warehouse
i figure on belongs to the owner
and the other belong to the copper girl
standing outside the back door
getting keys?
or waiting for Boss to let her inside
now that she's given him the password
like the way she flaunts her body every day
she has her head down
trying to hide her face from the passing cars
because i'm riding on my way
to hear a woman preach to me
that abstience is freedom
and she knows!! because
she got pregnant AND married at age 17 and
she has been happy for 34 years
because apparently
at 17 she knew she was in love forever
and that she would be with only this person
for the rest of her life
but it's not okay
for us to make that decision
it's not okay
for us to go past a quick kiss and hug
because we ned to think about
GOALS
CHILDREN
MARRIAGE
well.
i know already the terible mother i would make
so i am skipping that one
and i know that i dont believe i can fit into marriage
as a stiff mediocre medium
i know my goals
and i can't see how young love would hurt them
you have come too late
we have minds of our own, now
you should have gotten to us
when they were teaching us how to conform
and i can't decide who makes me sadder
the Adult Fantasy girl
or you
with your fancy slides
thinking you are happy

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

you're always two steps ahead of me
flying along through streams of people
hard to keep up but
i'm right behind you
and you're still that milk-fed shake-head
you move and you're flying
float
pick me up in fiery skies
fly
pick me higher from these seas
you with charm-stung skin
your jumpy nerves reflect
the anxiety of your mind's eye
transmitted through your hands, your shoulders
your heart
flutters.
thump down deep
beat too hard
little bird trapped
little weak bird flies too hard
and she has got to sleep
because she shimmers through sheets in the moonlight
and this little bird cries too hard
she's up and she's lying
FINE FINE FINE
they shackled you
in the cage where your heart
beats so hard for you
it won't break
you are strong-willed but
they won't let it shine through
shape-changing for them
why
i see you like that
and i want to die
for my freedom
for yours
i want you to know what i do
feel the wind and cool breeze in the air
without monkeys having parties down our spines
i want to help flay whatever's haunting you
cast out the spirits they put in your head
because you're beautiful
and that monkey is an asshole
we'll throw him and his bananas
right out the window
and i do believe that
if we jumped out after them
we would grow wings
and sail the sky
navigate a new horizon of mysteries and beauty
let sunshine pour from thirsty eyes
into our hungry hearts

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

i don't know where imagining ends and real begins
the lines blurred between us
i'm swimming through it
and you are stuck on the bridge
the trolls underneath are telling you
not to cross
and you have never noticed them before now
now that i stand on the other side
with outstretched arms waiting
you sink back
i wait
the more this thing festers
the less it is about two people
the more it is about trolls under a bridge
and monsters under the bed
and whatever it is that you are scared of
and the things going through your head
you are deciding for the demons
this thing is dead before it can be begin
after this anticipation
and the terror of the rejection i'm saving for later
because really
i'm the hideous beast
grotesque and unlovable
what made me think
i could be worth something to you?
blind monster
lost in a river of souls
drifting amongst the trolls

Monday, March 31, 2003

crammed into a safe place
me: fit between new and newer
between the sky + the pavement
between the cartoon elf faery pixie angel
between safety i found with you
and the danger i knew was there but never saw
i love this tilted edge
i am free in the cold silk air
my heart catches fire
comfort is
being quietly stuck between love
and the jagged infinity
racing through the streets
in a car that has been familiar until now
being LOUD and firmly me
hanging into night air's cradle
over rolling asphalt
while slick yellow lines chase each other down forever
i'm in a state
in a theatre
in a lap
in laughter
in bliss
i am happy
this is where i want to be
a perfect medium
pain vs. beauty
i would rather watch you and say i wasted my time
right now we are different people
internally changed
by sparks + presence
with thick love nearby
clouds that have been passing us by
are clouds we are now lounging in
the ice we have been hanging on
melts to reveal thin shoots of beauty
stuck to the roof of
the place where our dreams are waiting for us
our bodies are heavy with our skin on tight
unchangeable we are stuck in
we are NOT stuck in life
we have places to go, people to meet
you can't define us while we are still in the making
look at where we're headed
we have creations to make, people to be
you can't stop us now

march 31 in mythology

Saturday, March 29, 2003

fallnpoet: ok i hope u stop crying soon

aLittleStarlight: so do i

fallnpoet: please dont



i like that. write about it.

Thursday, March 27, 2003

i lean over the railing to see
her initials spiraling down the twisted staircase
close cropped haircut from the top
makes me smile
and at the same time i notice
she's standing behind me
close cropped elf
staring down the back of my head
my silent statements drown on twisted staircase
she can't hear what i'm not saying to her
because of all the noise in here
i back out
into impersonal vanilla-filled flowers
and i'm sent
right back out
chasing down the girl who ran
we've got to get out of this
she's got to get out
she got out
i'll remember today as cutting class into slices with her
and chewing reality's numb bones
in our tiny white-bread white-bred teeth
until we were sick to our stomachs with melancholy melodrama
and burning constant invisible tears into the dirt of a tired world
we back in
to imperfection within stiff specificity
trying to hide our sores
even locked into sterile cubicle-boxed minds
we could still soar

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

i am looking for a glimpse of you
in the hall
by your locker
within classrooms
i memorized your schedule
and i've changed the flow of my day
just to see the wool on the back of your sweater
flying away from me down stairs
i'm creeping up behind you
breathing you in
breathing you deep
why do you run
we are just alike
we are monsters together
hearts racing secretly
hiding in cages in our chests
fingers reach out stealthily
through blackness toward each other
connect
we make red
connect
light shooting sparks
blows my cover
you are worth my exposure
we are worth this
now where is the paparazzi?

Saturday, March 22, 2003

as you can somewhat gather from the last post, elise, morgan, and i attended a DiY workshop at MeDiA Co-op earlier today, where we were hugely honored, even if they did make a mistake about morgan's age. the workshop was great. we're consiering buying final cut express and i think we are going to try using mics on our next project that will require them. which will probably be what morgan is focusing on right now -- retold fairy tale(s). everything is going great but we aren't being very tasky, which is sad. we didn't get as much accomplished over spring break as we had hoped, but we filmed a little for elise's movie, and at least we got some supplies for robin's. katherine is having ram issues with adobe premiere, so her elmer tribute has yet to be editted, and her music video is on a very long hiatus. as for me... editting rabid beaver broke my soul, and i don't even want to look at it to put the finishing touches on it. and until i get it off the harddrive, i don't really have space for something else. and some time soon i also intend to edit what was filmed of the play that elise, morgan, and i were in a month ago, country spacecraft ballerina. i'm also trying to film what i can of elise's movie on my own, and basically trying to get everyone else to remain tasky!

god, why do i have to do everything?!
The following is taken from MeDiA co-op's "Filmmakers to Study (diy pioneers)" written by Morgan Fox: (and we retyped it like he did.)

Do You Know Where Your Children Are Productions

(Memphis, TN)

This is one of the most exiting things the city of Memphis has seen in years in reference to a film scene. Do You Know Where Your Children Are Productions is a group of aspiring filmmakers ranging in age from 11 [12] to 16. Before you assume anything, watch their films. Before you ever say you can't do it, watch their films, before you ever do anything....watch their films, and watch out, because they're young, inspired, and talented as hell. "Recognized filmmakers" at the 2002 MeDiA Co-op digital filmfest, with the premiere of Romeo and Juliet revisited, an approximately 17min short film compiled entirely by the troupe was a smashing success to large audiences. With the troupes new series of music videos, each directed by a different member of the group, and all pieced together, and for the most part filmed by editing Genius Alanna Stewart, has shown their continual evolution of stylistic experimentation and general openness to growth of technique and form. Watch out, these genius youngsters roam the streets armed with camcorders and creative visions daily, waiting for their next project to unfold.

Their films are in the MeDiA Co-op archives



(WOW!)

Thursday, March 20, 2003

i am watching my life as a movie
out of the picture
i see her in the hallway
we don't make eye contact
actually she didn't see me at all
i saw her from miles away
section Z up in the balcony
up there the actors can't see me
i am walking in a story book
pasted on the picture
cut out and walking through some scene
no one can touch me
i am not here
in glass beside my eye
my hair's reflected in the sky
i think if a plane were to appear
it would make more of an impact on me
than anyone down here
i sit here all fucking day just staring into space no smile on my face. what the fuck am i writing? i am trying to escape from the latin language and ms. haughton's evil eye. but it's a good day because i made a couple people laugh even though i annoyed several more. i always just wanted to create some emotion get some response as long as i'm still me. it's not that i feel like it's my duty to be happy. i enjoy it so much i can't waste this 2o minute oasis like i wasted this paper. i think this girl i know hates me now. i was always afraid of this because she is so fiercely adamant about hating someone but she is so nice when she's talking to them. there were always two kinds of food-throwing situations. friends as jokes or she's sick of that person she wants to throw some baby carrots to signify how mad she is and laugh it off. she threw fruit at me during lunch. it's kind of funny but i don't think she meant it kindly this time. i think she doesn't want to tell me to go away because for that she would have to speak real words to me. that's okay. i liked my 2o minutes.
fuck! i lied. i just smiled.
something funny happened and i didn't even see it, but cody behles who looks like a teddy bear, burst into a huge quick laugh so different from his usual giggle. plus i'm bored of gladiators and this day is too long.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

i couldn't not notice the daffodils this morning
i'm falling in love with spring
a betrayal, i know
summer season love
has always been so obviously automatic
but now
i'm falling out of my own winter
seeing beauty
sensing love
a betrayal
but hey maybe i'll find that
summer is even more amazing
now that life is
and shouldn't my favorite season
reflect my state?
environment inside and out
my inner season is starting to leak out
pouring green over trees
licking up baby violets
smell the roses
spring is coming

Monday, March 17, 2003

i know you are scared
me too
i am scared out of my mind
and widly thrilled
you are afraid of kissing me
i am afraid of kissing
i am trying to act calmly
i have to contain this fear
i have to prove that i am better
than what came before
i will not make their mistakes
i have to show composure
because when you sound so sad
i need to make it better
you:
beautiful purring voice raining tears into my answering machine
me:
are you okay what's wrong what can i do
you:
no i don' t know i don't know
me:
helpless
you:
dying
i can't stand to stand by
while you are drowning
i don't have any remedies for problems
that can't be named
that i wouldn't understand
that are too big for my tiny body
yes i am blaming this on my family too
my little hands are dad's
granny gave me tiny feet
hell, we're all too short
i am a greyhound
shrinking i can fit myself to you
curled up small in the curves
please keep pouring your tears in me
my tiny body is still so empty
i need to know that you
aren't keeping your Issues in
baby
i am scared to death of fucking up
i am scared of just me
i am scared that you will realize that i'm not what you
thought / expected / wanted
i am wrong
you just wait
but don't worry
i am going to leave the phone on
i am going to leave the window open
i am going to be there for you
inevitably available
your blazing fingers sing
we're on fire now
the waiter set my plate down
"thank you" as i'm contemplating
what the fuck i ordered
i rotate the plate to see if this
creature
is more manageable from another angle
mom is smiling secretly
she reveals that
she knows
she is okay with everything
like i knew she would be
but over lunch because of one
silly mistake my sister made?
while she's sipping brown ale and
i'm trying to figure out
how to bite into my sandwich
funny because nothing has happened
we are just doing what we have been doing
plus talking
it's just a proposal
i am insistent.
mom says
"my january baby's growing up
my little girl's in love"
but she's always been
such a silly woman
and hopelessly romantic
so i don't know how to act around my family
they have never known something so big about me
i am so good at keeping hidden
and when this was right in front of them
did they see?
No.
it took a little nudge from a poem
that accidentally got left in their line of vision
not even my mistake
because i know how to wipe my tracks
as i'm running away backwards
so i'm on stage melting under bright lights
EXPOSED
performing a facimile of my life
i have forgotten how i used to be
i have forgotten my act
i'm trying to seem normal as usual
i have forgotten how to be around her
and i know they can see it now
when i lay against her shoulder
i hope at least they have a memory of who they think i am
that they can reteach to me
so "hi mom!" here's a shoutout to my family
the nosy noisemakers discovering me in here
back again? who let you in?
we'll get a bouncer for this haven
"All right, people, let's go somewhere else." Ironic that he even calls us "people" because the way he says it, he obviously doesn't believe that his words are intended for actual "people." We are never "people." We don't ask so much. Every morning Coach Fucking Brooks wants us to "move along" speaking generically into the air and onto the heads a foot or so below his level. Hey Coach, what's wrong with us right here? Are we in somebody's way? Sure, we are standing by some lockers but we are ready and willing to scoot over if some kid needs his books. Where are we supposed to go? Is there a designated spot in this huge school that we don't know about where we're allowed to see our friends before homeroom? Shouldn't it be okay to just be us for a few minutes before we slide back into the daily grind, just to have this one moment? Each of us could walk to our various homerooms in thirty seconds or less. We've been to our lockers. We've got no particular place to be. So Coach Brooks, where the fuck are we SUPPOSED to be? I don't want to be listening to the gory little details of my locker partner's Floridian spring break and I know she won't ask me about mine once she is fucking done, two minutes before the bell rings. Hey I can't see my friends after school. They're busy at Bridge Builders and Mock Trial and Model UN meetings. Plus, we were working so hard on AP applications a week ago, and with all these projects and essays on the weekends... No, these are "people" who don't have time for me outside school. But remember, this is White Station! We are too busy with Extra-Curricular Activities and racking up the Service Hours to have friends! Much less, TALK to them! Heaven forbid, what if we actually got to SEE them sometimes? Oh no, what if we fell that far off our Spartanian horses? What if that happened? We wouldn't get into the right colleges, and we would lead terrible, poor lives! Lives of LOVE, not MONEY!! Because "people" are money, school is money, SUCCESS is money! And didn't you know? Success is power. Success is me in a suit. Success is my husband coming home from a hard day at the office to his loving wife and kids, and a great from-scratch Southern meal. I will be successful!! Fuck yr Princeton! Give me community!!! But look at these "people," they are beautiful individuals. We are writers and artists and we're going to make movies together. We're going to get married and move to California. FUCK YOU, COACH! YOU CAN'T COME!
on St. Patrick's Day
my homeroom teacher says that
the rule about getting pinched
if you're not wearing green
only applies if you're Irish
so he's circling the room
interrogating us
with evil fingers waiting
then he's at my desk and
i won't look up until he's in my face
i'm the only person who got asked two questions
i wonder why that is
Are you Irish?
No.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
hey what could i say otherwise?
"no i'm very not okay.
i'm definitely awful"
in front of unforgiving eyes
i'm supposed to reveal
how alone i feel
my terrible weekend
pain because i am unloved
mentally abused
unwanted
no friends
no love
i am supposed to tell that to
the bald man in the pale green shirt?
i don't think so.
but i lied anyway
Yeah, I am Irish.
No, I am more than okay.

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

i am wearing your jacket
because it smells like you
so i can close my eyes
and pretend that it's you making me warm
and not this piece of cloth
that you left lying in my room
hey you left a piece of you over here
hey you left pieces in my head too
hey you are everywhere
filling me up
and i like you like that
whenever i move
you're drifting through the room
i want your hands in my hair in your lap in the park
i want always to see you when i open my eyes
i want grin-filled mornings in mid-afternoon
i want waiting for you to wake on our cloud
i want studying your elbow and your twitching toes
i want you to be there soft
like your jacket
but even more soothing and
able to return my hugs
no flimsy cotton could
beat your comfort form
the zipper here could
never giggle back with me
i'm burying my face in your scent
wishing you were here
your angel wings cover us on our cloud
your angel skin covers me in their place
warm angel, your shoulder blades are wings
beating within you
beating your heart
i could hear them when i lay there
with my ear against your chest
my own breath fluttering weakly alongside
catch myself in solace
finding us in gold
glistening star-girl suspended in night sky
come down to me
wrap me up inside your arms
your feathers will stick after you let go

Wednesday, March 05, 2003

i'm so so sorry
did i really become what i hate?
i don't want that to be inevitable
i don't want to think that happens
i don't want the breakfast club
i'm sorry i didn't approach you
i'm sorry for not saying sorry
i was careless and
i acted out of self-entertainment
this is what i hated
when their basketballs hit me
and they were too interested in the game
to apologize
and on the bleachers no one was sitting next to me
to ask if i was okay
so i had no one to lie to
i'm so so sorry
for classing myself in their ranks
for being associated with them
if i sent you home unhappy
a terrible end to a terrible day
i reassured myself that
you were fine
you were standing with friends and comfort
and you weren't
quite
crying
and even if i didn't say it then
i was so so sorry
teach me not to be like them
drinking devil coffee
on an icy, silver star
shivering and burning
sitting on cold stone
scorching though i'm froze
a place where i don't have to feel
what's in me or what is real
i will believe you!
if you make me better
just buy me coffee
to keep me sane
pour it nicely over me
when i'm not thinking i am free
freezing slow perfectly
wish i was a filthy ice queen
don't you believe me?
well can't you fix this?
i'll make you hate me!
don't want to know it
don't care for love
can't stand no pain
must numb my heart
make my soul burn
i do it nicely

Monday, March 03, 2003

i am dumb
i can't remember how to look at you
i don't live up to what i am supposed to
i don't live up to you
so i made up my stubborn mind
got some congratulations
got some reprimands
and now i have rethought myself
yeah, i'm so sure
so sure and
feeling stupid for my decision
and the reasons i gave
how i thought in my head
it made sense at the time
but spoken and
i hate myself
yeah yeah yeah nothing unusal
nothing new get on with the show
well let me tell you
i am headed for the stars
aren't we all?
this is not my path
this is not my decision
this is the closet i've come to peer pressure
so i'm caving in
who says i don't want
to be my friends?
i'd forgotten how much that means to me. how it cheered up my whole day. movies.... a little silly but it's something for me to love, something that we all connect with, put our positive energy into. with camera in hand i don't have to go to college. i can live in memphis forever -- the next digital savvy generation. i will sleep on these couches. i will exist in this office. i will survive in this theatre. imagine me editting away in that exact chair. me borrowing their tripods. (no, i will be loaning MINE to fresh-faced kids with dreams and dreams and dreams like MINE.) me popping organic popcorn, living on jelly beans, putting money into this thing i believe in so entirely that i will give up some luxuries for my cause. who needs TV and commercial cinema when there are indepedent films to be had? to be created? i would give up some baths if i could take part in making something beautiful. i'm on the road, i've already given up a meal or two just to enjoy their company. so why am i even considering making next year hell? you actually want me to give up my time to things i don't care about, even if it means missing their tuesday night workshops again? it will make my life hell and i will have no room to be free.
in 3 years
3 months
and 3 days
the date will be 666
by then
where will i be?
i want to be living with her
in California
Anaheim, San Francisco, LA
perusing gender studies
attending photography
cinematography classes
the girls who were never good at anything
finally fly on waves of film
we will flash a new light on our lives
and capture beauty in tiny darkrooms
we will make the world through a lens make sense
we will be looking at a big sky through the camera's eye
me and you

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

mom sent me off
to buy chilli ingredients.
neither of us was wearing shoes.
too cold for her outside,
but not for me?
i trek through the snow alone
leaving angry footprints
in my neighbors' perfect yards.
it takes me a couple minutes
to find the right beans.
and i never do find a
"spice pkg of cumin seeds or ground"
but i spend five minutes standing
in front of the mexican spice rack.
these two men come up next to me
(wearing matching coats, i swear)
they look like crazy indie guys.
they're also looking for some kind of chili spices.
i stall for as long as i can,
fiddling with my list and my jacket and the
products that came to my city, my tiny midtown grocery store
in order to satisfy the growing hispanic population
in the cheap apartments across the street.
here i am in my comfort.
here they are in their miniature ghetto.
here i am complaining that i have to walk to the store in the snow.
here they are having no choice, no car, no big fluffy coat.
here i am stalling next to my new favorite people,
handling the merchendise.
here i am wishing for them to be a couple,
watching their feet standing close.
they still haven't decided what to buy when
i slip away still empty-handed.
i just take the most generic seasoning up to the register
slide change into my pockets
wish change upon the world

Monday, February 24, 2003

lately i keep hearing what is good about me
but you know
i can't let myself forget all this bad
i was told that i am
a beautiful dancer
i was told that i am
full of grace
but i can't move the way i want
can't move people's minds
i was told that i have
beautifully thick raven hair
i was told that i have
good cheekbones
but i can't stand to see pictures of myself
can't stand to look in the mirror
i was asked what i have
been doing lately?
i was asked if i have
a boyfriend yet?
nope. sorry. not yet.
sorry to disappoint you again
still alanna
still a lonely little girl
i'm sorry, papa
no one ever taught me how to throw a ball around
no one ever taught me how to wear make-up
no one ever taught me to want to
i'm sorry, granny
i'm not a christian and i'm not getting married
i'm not having children
and my sexuality is ambiguous
i'm sorry, mama
i think your daughter's crazy
i think you brought your january baby
back into the warmth, in out of the cold
but in her mind she's still freezing in the snow
mama mama make me better
because i don't know what to do
still alone
wooden tiles checker the floor
ceiling too.
wet eyes for this
my wet eyes will leak and
tears will fall forever
i will soothe these ancient tiles
and cleanse old dirt
stuck like i am
stuck and i need someone
to cry warm rivers over me
i can't get myself free
you owe me tears and quickly
surviving stuck is hard on me
i am worn SO THIN
and i need not to be
clenched in the fists of
everything holding me down/back/here

Sunday, February 23, 2003

put money in your idle hole

*sob sob sob* today is the last day of country spacecraft ballerina, and as if that isn't sad enough, only a few hours after the show is over, tori amos will be stunning nashville and sleater-kinney will be rocking chicago. god knows i would have gotten someone to drive me to nashville for tori, but JUST LIKE LAST TIME, it was during a play. although last time it was more frustrating because i wasn't IN the play and people were just cruel. becca and laylee were talking about going to the s-k show, though, because it is their closest one on this tour. i want to go to 23905702357023597 concerts this summer. christ. it's not fair. why does memphis hate me? i mean really, we are not that bad. but i've recently been talking to this girl named hannaH from topeka, kansas. i mean come on. topeka! and they have a huge ani fanbase and a gay community at school that has fucking rallies and shit. and here i am in the home of rock and roll or whatever with no concerts to go to and not that many people who share my taste in music. that is probably part of what is wrong. damn memphis. we need better radio stations. well katherine and i could have supplied them with one, but NO. it is "illegal" for minors to be on the radio, even if they have an adult with them at all fucking times. that is such bullshit. don't get me wrong, memphis has a wonderful theatre community and a newborn indepedent film community and i love both of them.
speaking of, the play is going rather well. only one show left. *sob*
yesterday after school, before call, elise and i went to media co-op and hung out with morgan and josh for a little while and it was wonderful. they gave us this cd of the band they are in and some writings of.... anonymous people? co-op people? i am not sure. elise took it, of course, becuase supposedly she loves them more. but they came to see our play, and they danced even though they said they wouldn't. and and and it made us happy. ohhh speaking of happy, they made our week/month/life/existence indeterminably happy by emailing us after brittany sent them to our production company site. they enjoyed it very much, i think.
"Whhhooooooowwwweeeeeeeeee!?! - Josh
This stuff makes me wanna make movies when I grow up! - Brandon
Wow, that's revolutionary! - Morgan
Absolutely Amazing! - Denny
Ya'll Rock! - Collective Exclamation upon completion of viewing"

also morgan watched elise's video "untouchable face" after being recommended it by brandon, who watched it at brittany's house while they were working a short for their film workshop. everybody thought it was amazing and are intensely flattered. morgan emailed elise about showing it with his film experiment XVII and then they would talk about it afterwards about life/art, art/life, etc. he said that our video was an "extremely mature and intensely beautiful work of art" and we could not be more overcome with joy. elise called me after she got the email and we screamed for five minutes. and then on and off for a couple hours. it was great great great and i want some damn IDEAS for some movies to come rolling into my little brain because next weekend i intend to never put down the camera. if you want somebody to make a movie of your idea or something then please. help. alskdhoashieg. i am not a terrible editor. i do what i can with what i have. sort of.
also i cannot WAIT to see blue citrus hearts which is morgan's new movie, also featuring my sister morgan for a little bit. i am very excited and it comes out next month and yayyy and if you live in memphis you should come to the screening and if you don't live in memphis but you have some sort of independent film whosits, get them to attack this movie for you. yay ok yay.
ALSO lately A Dream of You has been going incredibly well! we have had at least one post every day for like a month. it's been amazing. we have 15 members now, and mostly they are enthusiastic. there are at least three people who have kind of forgotten that they are members, i think. it's too bad. i sent out huge emails and everything. *sigh* but pleeeease check it out, we would really appreciate it. if you haven't been, it started out with just me and brittany writing poems, but then more people joined and brought with them other forms of writing and drawing and paiting and photography and creating. it's so exciting and the atmosphere there right now is really fresh and beautiful and creative and it's a great place to be. i think everyone is glad to be a part of it. those who remember that they are, anyway haha. but it is one of the best ideas i have ever had, if i do say so myself. just because it's obviously being enjoyed by a lot of people. this is the longest post i've written in forever. it's actually kind of refreshing. i remember how much fun it is to look back and see what i did on days and now i'm sad that i didn't talk about any details of the play or going to ck's coffee shop with my sister and dad and sarah and elise last night or elise coming over afterwards or going to brock's bollywood festival/party/thing that wasn't or ANYTHING that has been going on in the past few months, really!!! but uh. i'm going to go to bed now.

(i hope you can tell that i plugged like a muthafucka up in this post and all of you linkees better be grateful)

Thursday, February 20, 2003

Mutant Spacebats Of Doom, where art thou? do you guys still want us to make a music video for you when you get a song recorded? do any of you even remember that we offered? please contact us if you are out there!

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

offer up feathery wings for you to lose yourself in. am always here. am everything and am not afraid. you will be warm here where you are loved. can hold you tell you truths like the world is really upside down, that you can fly, how beautiful you are.
these are some things that i am sure about.
i am not lying but i have trouble believing what i know.
i will learn to be a clever speaker.
i will learn to speak persuasively what i know with authority.
i will learn these things and maybe not feel lke
little hypocrisies are sliding between my teeth.
offer up tattered wings for you to wrap yourself within. am always here. am nothing and am full of fear. you will have to trust me here where you are loved. think that if you believe it enough i might transform to something beautiful for you.
give me reasons to be beautiful.
i am thriving on you
sliding
love-soaked wings through shoulder BLADES
all made of light
all made of nothing
like me
wings like me for me on waves of every airy thing
wings and i won't have to carry you because look -- now you have
wings and we can get away from here
wings and we will fly

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Nabikichan086: love you
aLittleStarlight: love you back
Nabikichan086: LOVE YOU MOSTEST! :-D
aLittleStarlight: LOVE YOU MOTESTESTESTERRRR
Nabikichan086: damn!
Nabikichan086” signed off at 5:48:44 PM.
standing there
she did not see me
i smiled
those five seconds made my day complete
my arm has been around her
my head has lain on her shoulder
her arm has been around my waist
her head has lain in my lap
her face close foreheads touch
her hair in my hands
we sure fooled them
people in the store, street, cars
people that know us
people like me
how could i have known that this is
just how it goes
she is glad to have someone who
doesn't mind being hugged
while i am glad to have someone who
doesn't mind touching me
enjoys being near me
likes my loose arms light weight
turns out i forgot to pack my brain again
turns out i forgot to think
i was supposed to remember
that could never happen
love does not fit me
i may have fit within her arms
she may have fit in mine
but i do not get love
i wouldn't call it attraction
it was all possibility
and newness
the beginning of something
spring
and i love her presence that much
enough to think about her lips
my hands in her hair
counting each other's feathers
it's sick, i know
because she never though of me that way
2 girls
we could have been beautiful
yeah
i guess it's nice to know
that those 2 ok
that they are what they have been
stubborn and marching on
in her eyes, at least
did she also leave her brain at home?
i wish she had
our minds could have nested together forever
with us (without) happily delusional
so
i feel deceived
thinking back...
what was said?
same as what she says to them
the lanka girls with boyfriends
the guys who do not date
the gay boys she dances with
she knows they all want her
i am no different
left my brain off
left it out and it's melting
i wish we could say that
it is she who has been wrong
what were you thinking?
and what took you so long
to see it? see me? see us?
i can't say anything.
there was nothing to see.
there was nothing to show.
sick and she is happy
sick for wasting the words
sick i am missing something and i need it bad
i want to be fully consumed
for her to look at me
say "this is where we came from
and this is where we are
this is what we feel so
we could learn to fly."
and we will look it in the eye
we could go back to everything
just how it has been
with arms and smiling bodies
if she will tell me how to see
my arm does not belong there
my head can not rest here
there is no room for me
i cannot convince her
but i am trying

Monday, February 17, 2003

i was illusioning myself
i should have known better somehow
that is just you being you
and me being wishful
you already have him
and all of them
you already have love
what was i thinking:
you glowed in those moments
fucking beautiful
and i could shine
but here i go again
i really don't know what to think
what's going on in my head
don't know why i get upset over something so small
don't know why my movement is too wrong inappropriate
don't know why
i need to not be this
don't know why
i need you to be around
don't know what's left to say
that is just you being beautiful
and me being stained
bring on another knife
if i ask you will say no
but you will stick it in
all the same
stupid still
i am asking too much
Frozen Heart--
it's been said before
so i'm not going to say it
i am sick of being so fucking trite
i need new words for old feelings
i need new ideas for someone stuck
it's sickening that i am jealous
happening again and again
i can't stand myself
my own thoughts
i wanted that and that was there
i needed it and it was there
i don't know what happened to the list i made
all i know is that there are so many more things on it
i've misplaced it somehow
and things are not turning out so well
only all in my head.
only some of the time.
she told me it's just hormones
god i hope she is right
i don't need to be even more messed up
Daily Horoscope for Aquarius on February 17, 2003
If you are worried about someone close to you, make sure that the problem has not become exaggerated in your own mind.You could be hearing conflicting reports that make the situation seem worse than it really is. Depressing people are not good sources of information.

I must say, sometimes these things are damn accurate.

Sunday, February 16, 2003


You are Louise Brooks: sassy, smart, and oh so
cool! You are a trend-setter and probably have
a quick wit! You rock!


Which Silent Actress are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Friday, February 14, 2003

wow! my second video project for school in a week! that is pretty impressive, if i do say so myself. unfortunately, however, the video is not. ermmm i editted it just now... i didn't film it, the girl who used my camera clicked the damn zoom thingie through the whole thing and it drives me insane. that's okay, she needed something to do in the project i guess. watch it.
my cat is five years old!!!!

we got her from House of Mews, which means she was a stray and the exact date of her birth is unknown but it is sometime in the first couple weeks of february. today, valentine's day, is the end of the first couple weeks of february so i picked a holiday to be her birthday.

happy birthday, silver sehkmet shadow moon!

Thursday, February 13, 2003

You are Irish
You are a Dubliner.


What's your Inner European?
brought to you by Quizilla


4
congrats!! your a stereo-typical indie fuck! your
nothin big nor special but still an indie fuck.
you are still into yourself more then anyone
else and look so damm fine. you dont get much
women but just enough to listen to a couple bad
emo records. you need a keyboard.


what type of indie fuck are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are a freeform writer. Individualistic with a
sense for the different and challenging, Walt
Whitman and his poetry lacking meter and rhyme
is just what the doctor ordered. You're quick
to write something that the rest of the world
doesn't accept as poetry, quick to separate
yourself from the average joe. An author with a
true sense of self, you have confidence in your
abilities and aren't afraid to show it. :) GO
YOU!


What's YOUR Writing Style?
brought to you by Quizilla

Fire advise goggle
You think you're deep, tortured and misunderstood.
You're not, you're just incoherent and a bit
silly. Now you know.


What Lord of the Rings engrish subtitle are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, February 10, 2003

last night my lovely family helped me make a video for my mythology class. it is pretty crap but you can watch it here. it's a sort of retold version of this myth and pretty much all you have to know is that the god Pan, who has goat legs and horns, falls in love with Hercules' girlfriend.



and my dad just referred to DYKWYCA as Do You Know Completely Where Your Children Might Be Doing Things?
i've been to three weddings
i think.
i was a bride's maid at age 6.
the flower girls tipped their baskets over
at the end of the long
l    o    n    g
long walk down the aisle in
my grandmother's backyard.
the pictures show all of us
laughing with the wind
kicking up our dresses.
all i remember
about my second wedding is long
l    o    n    g
long talk and i looked down
when he was allowed to kiss her.
my co-, ex- bride's maid gets
too much chicken.
my grandmother sends her back to
the buffet table
to put it all back.
maybe it was my co-, ex- bride's
maid's second wedding too.
maybe she felt too much like a convict
released from jail or
maybe it felt like
her last meal
before we grew up
and were pushed from the foreground.
my third wedding years later
(so many years for me
but i can hold them in my hands)
it has been such a long
l    o    n    g
long time and i dont know what i want
or what to wear
i wish for
my grandmother's itch persistence
she would have made me match
made me fit
but instead i go feeling like myself
--comfortable--
it is a wrong choice.
i am out of place and
i don't know anyone and
now that i am listening to the ceremony,
i don't agree.
i feel too wrong to sit at the tables
during the reception.
i am too naked to drink a glass of punch
or to eat all the chicken.
theif ex-convict sits in chair against wall
--uncomfortable--
wrong.
pushed to the background
by time
and me.
when i was the one carrying the flowers,
i had ideas.
ideals. dreams and plans and futures.
i would take another long walk in
an itchy dress
and make my grandmother proud.
some time in between the chicken
and the aisle
i would become clarissa and explain it all
i was guaranteed love and friends
with exactly right wacky clothes.
i think TV made it look too easy
i let everything go
and look at that
i ended up in the background
back here where there are
NO long walks
NO happy endings
NO fairytale kisses
some day my prince will come
so they say.
when he does i'll most likely push him out the window
it's not that i enjoy life more from inside the tower
against the wall
but i have got it down so well

Sunday, February 09, 2003




which francesca lia block girl are you?

(quiz created by shelle)



just thought this was interesting... i got witch baby the first time ("you're wild and mysterious you often feel like you do not belong")
i think i got weetzie because i put answers about having friends and being surrounded in love. what can i say except "thanks, genie."

Saturday, February 08, 2003

furiousXgeorgeX: you're not a nice girl. or a weird guy. you're just an abusive tyrant

Thursday, January 30, 2003

Monday, January 27, 2003

sick day and it's absolutely terrible.

Thursday, January 23, 2003

Accountability

She counted on those people to be there. It was like that trust game. The one where you fell backward and someone would be there to catch you always. That kind of crushing trust.
She'd been floating with this certain flock of swans. They would float along the water and look so nice that nobody else could make a sound. It was like trust. When she fell there was no one there to catch her. Her backwards swan dive left her cold on pavement alone in tears. Floating she was. Flock long gone she took to the sky in search of something solid. I think that she and the rest of the visitors to that ghost realm could tell you now. "Never go looking for solidity in the sky. Those clouds can't support you with your heavy dreams." But I think it was nice while it lasted.
She needed people to count on. Swans. "I am learning," she said, "that I can only count on myself." And that much was true, and a lot of things are true. Like quests are where she's headed because water and air can't hold her. She is going to the city. Solid city hard and beautiful full of bricks for her. Full and there is someone waiting to be counted on.

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

once time fell
and in the early we rang through
trees not noisy we are
dancing windless milky brain
with spin planet collide in eyes
space high we fly
flat plastered to sticky sky
floating stuck
and ride against night
on black
bareback

Tuesday, January 14, 2003

i want a genie. it's true. actually i have been looking for my goddamn genie for quite a while now. my wishes were to be surrounded in love all the time and to see the beauty of the world. i'm kind of upset because my wishes have, in part, come true but i didn't get to actually meet my genie. who am i going to thank? i don't have an address to send thank-you cards to. what number do i call up and say “ever since you saved me, my life has been exploding into constant fireworks and can we go out for coffee some time?” not only do i want to have some serious discussion with my genie about why my wishes didn't come true sooner, i want to beg for some more. since my genie doesn't seem to be coming any time soon, i will use this time and this space to extend a verbal cry into the universe: genie, you have shown me the beauty of the world and you have surrounded me with love and beings i would never have dreamed. but genie, where is the beautiful house for us all to live in? where is our paradise in the LA hills where we will grow our own food and sew our own clothes and make beautiful music and create movies to celebrate life? where are our secret agent lovers? genie, i know this is a difficult prescription so i will give you a few more years to fill the order but i am waiting and i am counting on you. until then let me bask in the glow of everything i have found.

Monday, January 13, 2003

by appearing from nothing
you made me remember
and you made me dumb
tense
awkward
my bubble i was loving it
loving in it
my bubble caved away and i am
naked in the open now
does that make you happy?
because you kept smiling
so I'm Hitler laughing nervously
you came here on your mighty, white steed
with a pistol by your side
and how does Hitler react?
hahaha thanks so much
and that's a mighty fine face you've got on
you helped me forget love
again.
but this time it was three minutes not
three years
we have become simpler and simpler
i keep finding little moments to represent
us. together.
but
doesn't this beat all?
doesn't this? you beat me
over and over this time
three minutes
i struck one hard
i hope because
i'm left with almost no confidence
but in an hour or so i will be
in the presence of people i love
because i am loved and there's nothing
you can do about it
tell me what you will
i am alive!
so you think i'm vicious?
i feel!
LOVE and you can't stop it
so i destroyed some little person's dream?
i want to build for big beauty
and i can
and i will
i am building for big beauty
and it is mighty
and i am fine

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

it is hard to be mad at the world anymore
this place seems too beautiful
what happened?
if i was ever an elitist
i guess i am not now
i have changed
what you like doesn't always effect
what you're like
i am not sorry i am different
there's only one person who would be offended
and she is gone now

Monday, January 06, 2003

today was the first day back to school from winter break... it was veeerrrrrryyyyy long. the only new class i have this semester is mythology, which should be better than etymology. i wish that laylee was coming to white station. i can just imagine her being in my lunch.
bad lunch news: christie and margaret have gone, lauren ricks and casey o'rouke have entered.
good lunch news: lauren dunn, katherine dohan, and brock have come!
after school brock and i had a hopping contest but he won because he is far too tall and i am far too short and so i died.

Saturday, January 04, 2003

"inspired by alanna's constant passion" by brock

Enthusiasm beams
From your enlarged eyes
An uncontainable jolt
Zipps through your spirit,
On code red: full alert
Your spiritual cotton
Wripping your seams
Thread giving way to
The sudden bulge
Your internal flame
Roars from fuel
It's the fourth of july sky
In the brain
And thought
Loses all sensibility.
Passion overcomes you.

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

i dont care enough to post anymore guys. well. it's christmas eve. elise spent the night last night and i think her music video is pretty much done (explanation here) so go watch it. also we saw the two towers, which we all loved. especially gollum and legolas and gimli and i dislike arwen and i wanted to see more eomer. but if you havent seen it, then DO. i liked it better than the first movie but i dont know... i know that i will get killed for saying this but i didnt actually find the book all that amazing. sorry guys.... the story and the mythology behind it are definitely the best things about the book but i just really couldn't get into it at all. i feel like the movies have fleshed out the characters so much more, as well as making tolkein's land a reality. i dont know, come argue with me i guess. the comments are open to the public, you know.

Friday, December 20, 2002

so i was trying to edit "untouchable face" when all of a sudden it did this crazy error and asked me to quit. so i do, and it says "the project file is not readable" and shows me that my clips still exist but it won't actually let me get to them to edit or watch. so dad kicks me off the computer and messes around for a few hours. i lie on the couch in misery and watch Noggin in sheer desperadoes. when dad is done doing his own stuff, we get on the Apple discussion groups and try to get some help. dad makes me leave to eat ice cream and lie on the couch in more desperadoes. but everything is okay! we use BBEdit to fix some screwed up text in the file and the movie still plays like a dream. i am hoping to upload it soon but i've gotta ask the host and make sure. the movie isnt done yet but it's 8.9MB. since yesterday at noon ended the first semester of the school year and the entire DYKWYCA team is now on Winter Break, we are free to work on movies. so i PROMISE that "untouchable face" will be done by the time break is over. even if it's not perfect. that part will come later. sorry for rambling, guys, have a wonderful break!

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

one of the archive weeks is disappearing. it's pretty distressing. i'm trying to fix it. let me know if it actually exists and i'm blind, please.

Saturday, December 14, 2002

Carrie Brownstein
Which Sleater-Kinney Girl Are You?


hahahaha
12/12/02 Kill Rock Stars newsletter:

"Mary Hansen from the 5RC band Schema, and also from Stereolab, was killed in East London on Monday afternoon after being struck by a car while riding her bicycle. She was 36.

Although no-one at KRS/5RC had actually ever met Mary, we considered her one of us, and we grieve. We feel fortunate to have been able to release some of her work during her time here on Earth. Our condolences go out to her friends and family and band-mates. The world has lost a great one."

Schema - We Think We're Sane (Mp3)(site)
absolutely brilliant song. it's spinning off into another dimension and feeling very firmly rooted to the floor at the same time. i think the roots come from mary's voice because she knows just what she's saying. if it wasn't there, this song might be the soundtrack to some low-budget outer-space movie. it's amazing. i can't find any lyrics, but please listen really as closely as you can. when you hear this you'll believe that the world has indeed lost a great one.

Friday, December 13, 2002

elise's article (see post from 11/12) finally came out in the school newspaper, The Scoll, today. it was so exciting! my wonderful energy was floating around all day plus it was snowing plus things were just beautiful. i am really trying to finish up "untouchable face."

in other news, morgan was filmed in a scene for morgan fox's movie, blue citrus hearts, on monday.

Thursday, December 12, 2002

crazy week i dont know whats going on. had a nice weekend. can't really remember it. ha. it's the morning time and i am about to leave.

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

i am used to backseats
daughter/mother
sister/brother
lovie/lover
i am used to the backseat
i fit there fine
behind what is happening
i see
hearts
i am learning to sit
in between friends
i feel
hearts
warm and this is where
love is

Sunday, December 08, 2002

in the aeroplane over the sea


What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye and be gone from me
Soft and sweet
Let me hold it close and keep it here with me

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me

Anna's ghost all around
Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me
Soft and sweet
How the notes all bend and reach above the trees

Now how I remember you
How I would push my fingers through
Your mouth to make those muscles move
That made your voice so smooth and sweet
And now we keep where we don't know
All secrets sleep in winter clothes
With one you loved so long ago
Now he don't even know his name

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all

--neutral milk hotel

Tuesday, December 03, 2002

where's your full-time gear?

thanksgiving was nice. i didn't really do anything for most of the week. i went home with elise on tuesday to take care of her poor head, which is a lie. it was an excuse for me to be there. she hurt her head, if you didn't know. read her thing about it. her dad didn't want her to drive the car in her condition, which didn't really make sense to either of us, so we sat at her house and watched creepy TV called drew carey and home improvement. linda, elise's mother, fed us wonderful food and then robin came over and was fed too. linda actually offered to drive us somewhere, too! so we picked up laylee and came to my house and watched a charlie brown christmas. we sat around and cast and recast for our movie version. it was great fun. i can't really remember what all we did but it was a nice night. first robin got picked up by her mother, then elise got picked up by her sister lena who had just gotten back in town. i filmed the reunion. it was lovely. then laylee got picked up by her crazy brother who refused to come to the door but sat out in his car for like five years. it was nice. a nice night. the next day i got packed and sat around and elise came over for a couple hours and we worked on untouchable face. she left about an hour before we did. i spent most of my thanksgiving break in jackson, mississippi with my grandparents. i bought two cds - grace by jeff buckley and trompe le monde by the pixies. you should know that "letter to memphis" (the song on which this blog's name is based) is on that pixies album. download it immediately and read the lyrics. it's a beautiful song. anyway i like both cds a lot but i have only listened to each one once. thanksgiving dinner was at cracker barrel with my parents and my grandparent since morgan felt too sick to go. when we got back, we found out she has step throat. poor baby. so yes we got back on saturday afternoon and i think we mostly just sat around for most of the day. my family went to see harry potter around 4 and they liked it. i am very glad i did not go. elise, lena, and brock picked me up at about 7 to go to elise's house where we ate thanksgiving leftovers with kevin, robin, and acacia. elise's brother aaron was there with his friends so we didnt really see him. lena was making clothes and the parentals were off doing god-knows-what so they were basically absent as well. we did get to see a lot of charlie, lena's dog that's part coyote or wolf or something. i had a lovely evening. brock filmed a lot. kevin drove brock, elise (haha) and i home. he and elise broke up practically right after they left my house. i don't think elise is having a very good week. i am waiting for her to call.
i feel awkward and clumsy in these halls
because of eyes and eyes and eyes
faces i never knew
i used to watch the ground
strange taking my eyes off my shoes
to reach
strange thing my hand out of my pocket
to wave
strange in prison
to smile

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

i've started doing some editting for "untouchable face". if i wasn't going out of town in about half an hour, then i definitely would finish editting by the time Thanksgiving break is over. but since i am, i can't really make a good estimate. footage is looking great though. maybe i will make some new stills for the page. until then, have a happy turkey day!

Monday, November 25, 2002

keep away from the freaks on the fringe. they only talk to you cuz you give them a good excuse to cry.

i had a great weekend. i got to hang out with robin, brock, elise, and LAYLEE! it was wonderful. on friday, brock and elise picked me up around 4(?). i think the only reason they drove all the way out to my house is because brock wanted ethiopian food. (i live next to abyssinia.) i can't remember how it came up, but we called laylee, who was HOME for once! so we went to go get her and then we got robin. by that point we were very far away from abyssinia and we were headed towards elise's house, so we decided to go there for pizza. at the last second we changed our minds and went to jersey mike's where we got sandwhiches except laylee who was practically broke so she shared mine. then we walked around walgreens and hung out outside the kroger and i pushed elise around in one of those creepy kids carts. keith appeared at some point and it was awkward, especially when i whispered to elise who he was and she couldn't stop stuttering. so he left. brock filmed people going into kroger and we got lots of Disapproving Looks. it was great. then elise and robin drove off. laylee and brock bonded beautifully and i talked to jerry (the camera). elise and robin came back eventually. they tried to make me pee in someone's yard but we ended up just coming to my house and sitting around. then we thought it would be fun if we all spent the night with elise. so while she called her mom i talked to my parents. so brock wasn't allowed to sleep at elise's house sadly, and robin couldn't stay because it was her mom's birthday the next day. so laylee and i spent the night with elise and it was wonderful. mostly we just sat around and talked and goofed off. it was great. she had to take us home before 2 so we played on the playground by Richland a little bit and then elise drove us home. it was weird, being driven home like that. not that i didn't enjoy it. i love me some lise.
so i hung out at home for a little while before we went to the screening of momo's curse at the media co-op. they had some technical problems but it turned out to be okay. wow i remember that i had lots to say about it but i can't remember anything. there were four different camera angles at all times, which was a very good idea since the play was so insane but i don't think the camera people had any instruction or anything. so there was one camera that was just a wide shot the whole time and you couldnt see a damn thing that was actually happening. one camera had no tripod and it was absolutely insane and kept closing up on random people in the audience or random bits of set. the other two were better camerapeople, even though one of them was tinted red for some reason. i dont know that anyone really understood the concept of the play. or maybe they just needed to have better planning. they mostly filmed bill. like most of the time, four cameras were on him and one (if we were lucky) was on some part of the (massive) ensemble. and as filmmakers, i think that the camera guys were very intent on detail and imagery. so you would see a really interesting image, like somebodys disembodied hands doing something, but it would be completely wrong because you had no sense of what was going on, which is fairly bad in a play. everyone in the theatre had seen the play of course, because it was just the company and friends, but it was kind of crazy. the surrealist scene looked great though. lots was missing from the chaos scene after that though. in fact lots of bits were quite disappointing, which is not to say that it isn't completely AWESOME that the co-op even did that, for free and taking time away from their own projects. thank you, co-op. we love you to death and pieces. also it was very nice getting to see OOV people again, even though not everyone came. so after visiting a bit, i went with the fam to cafe ole down the street where we had a very quick quick quick dinner before morgan and i went back to first congo to see the Lucero documentary, which was great. margaret, katherine warren, melanie, melissa, and alice were all there. it was a good time, plus i got one of those great organic sodas and morgan got those great organic jelly beans and khy shared some of his organic popcorn with us. it made up for the tiny dinner.
right now i am really regretting all the songs i never did for music log. i regret leaving but i felt like i had to and i think it's best that i did. so i guess that you guys are going to start getting little music reviews and downloadables here, if you don't mind. music log has really gone downhill though, i feel like. 11/23 post should be proof enough. as if the writing isn't bad enough, is anyone keeping up with archives? how come morgan got kicked off, if she's not even really being replaced? the only reason she was supposed to leave, originally, was because there were going to be six new people, plus brittany, and everyone would have one day. but brittany still has all her days, billy has all my days, and evan has morgan's day? it's crazy, i swear. and the music? well i have this playlist of 220 songs that have been done on music log at some point. i rate my songs with iTunes, and all the old posts have four or five stars. the new ones range from two to three stars. maybe i need to change with the times or something but i like what i like and what can i say? so i'm not impressed by these bands called McLusky and Minus the Bear and i never DID like Grandaddy or The Smiths. all these bands are so damn generic! they don't sound like anything and they don't sound unique, much less interesting. it's not that there's no good music left online. seriously, i can find tons. look at this.

Electrelane - Many Peaks (Mp3)(site)
beautiful beautiful beautiful song! it starts mellow and gets really intense and goes back to mellow. it's instrumental rock but for once it's NOT BORING!! alanna thinks that most instrumental rock is shit. believe me, guys, this song is great. there's guitar and piano but there are strings, horns, and clarinets too. it makes me want to bounce around and i would if i wasn't pretending to do english homework. plus this band is on Mr. Lady which just increases their coolness by about a billion.

Thursday, November 21, 2002

drinking tea instead of gin

this week is insanely long and ungood. i even stayed home sick on monday and i feel like we should have had a Friday years ago. but farther back... this weekend was very good. i went home with elise on friday. brock gave us a tour of his crib (which is like a hotel, i swear. there are about ten staircases. there's this balcony thing that overlooks this huge ballroom kind of place, and there's just a couch there for no reason. i don't think it's ever been sat on. i'm moving into his closet. it's huge and it smells like hamster.) elise got a call from her mom that her article about Do You Know Where Your Children Are? Productions article is going to be on the front page of the school newspaper!!! she was radiating excitement all evening. brock said he felt like he'd written the article and i felt like that too. we decided that we are one being. we went to some roly poly place for dinner but i couldn't make up my mind on what to order so i didn't have anything. we took brock back to his mansion and drove around. we ended up at first congregational church, where the media co-op lives. the door to that was locked so we went in someplace else and wandered around until we found them. i felt really weird being there, like we'd intruded (which we did) even though they said that they didn't mind. they seemed so busy too even though they said they weren't doing anything. so i left elise to talk to them and i walked around outside the building. it was cold. apparently i worried elise because she thought i was in the theatre and when she found out that i wasn't she and josh went around calling my name in the parking lot. i don't know how i missed them but i did. then elise ran around cooper-young trying to find me. apparently it was pretty scary. sorry, elise. we found each other eventually and went to elise's house to watch morgan and josh's movie, which they had loaned to her. it was messing up on her dvd player for some reason. there was sound in the first scene but then it just disappeared completely. so we had to come all the way to my house to watch it on my computer. that worked, but elise had to leave (curfew) before it was over. she came back and we finished it on saturday night. then we drove to media co-op and harassed morgan [fox] some more. they let us use their microwave to pop our popcorn. they are very nice.
sunday was pretty normally crappy. the end.
uhhh. week. monday i was sick. tuesday i was loaded with work and up really late (it was my fault for seeing a movie with the pro bono club). wednesday i went home with elise and we did homework. when she brought me home we watched the "deleated" scene in three minutes. today is bad and i shouldn't be online. this week is boring and terrible. make it end.

Friday, November 15, 2002

shot a little bitty bit for "untouchable face" today.... katherine says she has too much work, so "much finer" will probably be delayed a lot. everyone is really excited about Charlie Brown Christmas plans, and we can't wait for it to snow!! if anyone has advice on using actual mics with a digitial camera then uh... can they let us know?

elise submitted her DYKWYCA article (see 11/12 post) to the school newspaper and it is going to be printed on the front page!!! since nearly everyone in DYKWYCA is part of a Collective Being, our Self is very excited about making it on the front. way to go, everyone!

in other news, go rent three minutes (based upon a revolution of the sun) at black lodge video.

also brittany has dropped out of the company. she may come back some time, but no one is really sure when that will be.
i am not sorry i said it
i am sorry i did not say it all
i could have gone for hours
but she was slipping
goodbye and i still can't hold her attention
nothing hit the right way
did i miss my target
or did the target run?
i could have said
"you drained me dry"
to the point where i
couldn't find comfort in similarities
needed to find separation
i needed
something beautiful for myself
something she could not
steal/perfect
they would not have loved you three years ago

Thursday, November 14, 2002

The Fury

she helped me find courage and recognize beauty
she took it too far
she was nothing
and i was lost
she helped me understand she understood
she was lovely
she was not enough
and i was alone
she helped me become
she sees me
she is beautiful
and i am loved
that's a pretty nice haircut

elise is amazing. she is running this canned-food drive all by herself at like... three different schools. so this morning she announced it, on the tv thingie, and these people in my homeroom behind me were awful.
girl: she's weird.
guy: her hair looks like a boy.
girl: her hair looks like yours!
guy: why does she talk like that?

et cetera. it was really awful. the most awful thing was that I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. i couldn't think of anything to say at first and then by the time i realized that they had stopped talking, it was too late for me to say something and be relevant. i doubt that they would have held the incident in their minds for that long. so since elise is going to be making this announcement tomorrow and the rest of next week, i am going to defend her to death kind of. it was just awful because i had this two-hour conversation with her on tuesday night in which we talked about a lot, including people's reactions to her hair and everything. and plus elise is a completely amazing person. don't doubt it.

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

this week is weird. i'm still bipolar but sort of even more so? to a lesser extent? ahahhahahaha god. but yeah. reports today. DO NOT EVEN ASK. i should be doing homework but i'm really not. so uh. i'm gonna go avoid homework elsewhere.

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

From Home Movies to Music Videos

By: Elise Masur



Every Saturday, Memphis' very own Media Co-Op (1000 South Cooper) shows an assortment of short films created by locals. The directors of these films usually have no professional equipment or financial backing. However, to see a 13-year-old and her 15-year-old sister generate an astounding music video is something unusual to these already remarkable filmmakers.



So, how exactly did White Station Sophomore Alanna Stewart decide to start a "production company"? "We just did a short film called 'Romeo and Juliet Revisited' as an extra credit project, but Katherine (Dohan) entered it into the Memphis Digital Arts Film Festival over the summer. We were recognized as notable film makers, and seeing everyone else's homemade movies was really inspiring." After having always wanted to make films, witnessing the simple yet notable works of others helped Alanna and her friends realize just how easy it could be. "We never even use a tripod!"



The result, "Do You Know Where Your Children Are? Productions," is comprised of seven high schoolers and one middle schooler. Each video is filmed with a regular camcorder and edited on the Stewarts' home computer. So far, they have decided to take on eight different filming expeditions, each one chiefly directed by a different member of the production group. Even though they've only created two films, they have been well received, even by their teachers. Alanna and Katherine's ninth grade CLUE teacher Mrs. Kitts, who helped give life to "Romeo and Juliet Revisited," said, "They were brilliant…It was wonderful."



Crediting last summer's film festival as their inspiration, Alanna said, "The night it ended, my sister was coming up with visual ideas to put to this song…by a band I really love." Voila, last Saturday, 13-year-old Morgan Stewart watched on as her video to "Get Up" by Sleater-Kinney played on the silver screen.



When asked about the premiere, [Alanna] said, "I loved seeing it up there. I thought that I was going to be nervous like at Romeo and Juliet, but I just got really into seeing our work up there and knowing that these people would appreciate it for what it was and what we are…I felt like we'd accomplished so much since Romeo and Juliet…I want it to feel like that with every movie we make."

Sunday, November 10, 2002

we don't have to get along

i'm having a great weekend. friday was a half day, so we did aboslutely NOTHING in school. we had two and a half classes and a basketball game which i chose not to go to. in geometry, we played with calculators and didn't get in trouble. in etymology, we read the school newspaper and i took notes on movie ideas for elise. in biology, i filmed things. then we watched part of tarzan and i tried to read a farewell to arms. don't let anyone try to tell you that that book is not about sex, drugs, and rock n roll. then we were dismissed at 11:10. kevin and his sister emily drove behind elise and i on the way to oak court mall for luncheon. robin and a huge group of people were walking, and at some red light we stopped and waved at them. doug godwin RAN ACROSS POPLAR and got into elise's car, which was beginning to move, and was thereby thrown across the entire backseat as we turned into the parking lot. i swear, the entire population of white station was there. i didn't have any money so i just filmed people eating. elise drove robin home and then we had very meaningful conversation on all levels. we went to elise's house and drove around. she changed out of her uniform and we went and stole morgan from lindenwood, and went straight back to elise's house (next to borders) so that she wouldn't be late for her doctor's appointment, where she got an evil flu shot and almost lost her voice. morgan and i sat around the Masur house and watched labyrinth. when elise got home, we picked up robin and went back to elise's house where, after conference, we called kevin and told him he had to be the star of elise's music video and we needed him at that very second. (oh yeah. elise and kevin are broken up but they don't act like it. hence, elise deciding to do "untouchable face" for her music video.) so we walked to the park and waited. then we filmed some things and it went really well, i think. i forgot to use the cool effect the whole time but i think it will be ok. i'm sad that i can't make that effect happen once i get the footage onto the computer. then elise, morgan, and robin drove to burger king and kevin and i followed. there, kevin paid for me to have dinner, which was fries. i also ordered a small water so that elise could throw it all over kevin. it was a really great shot. poor thing was cold for the rest of the night though. then elise drove robin, morgan, and i around for a while trying to lose kevin. we were actually going to try to go to laylee's house but we got really turned around and suddenly we were going the opposite direction on yates. so we didn't lose him and we went towards black lodge. the whole way we had the sun roof and a couple windows rolled down, singing at the top of our lungs. the best moment of course was when we got to listen to "Debaser" by the pixies and sing to kevin behind us. he also had his sun roof down and was singing at the top of his lungs. he told us later that elise had nearly hit about 2935070239 different things while trying to dance and drive. at black lodge, elise rented morgan fox and josh laurenzi's movie three minutes (based upon the revolution of the sun) but as far as i know, she hasn't had a chance to watch it yet. so we hung out there for a little while and walked around cooper-young and attempted to stalk josh and morgan fox but it didnt work. so we said goodbye to kevin and elise drove robin home. then we went home with elise just to get my backpack and my camera stuff because i had left it there thinking we would come back like. right after the park. so i'm sorry for wasting all of elise's gas but i love love loved getting to talk to her and be in the car for the extra time. it's the first time that i haven't been the first one to get dropped off. i'm so glad i don't have a curfew of any kind ahhahaha. so elise drove morgan and i back home. i got online and stayed on way too late, but (thank god) i sent my alarm for 11am which is when i woke up. voiceless elise came and picked me up at 12 and we went to perkins for lunch. we got to sit in a big roomy booth even though there were only two of us because all the other seats were taken. i loved being able to be there with elise. i can tell her anything. she said that this week would have been a shitfest without me and robin there, and i'm not sure exactly what i did but i really tried to be there for her and let her rant at me whenever she needed. elise and i shared these cheese and chicken quesadilla things that were really good. i didn't think i'd like them but i diddddd and elise paid for them and i felt bad. then she drove me home and as soon as i got there, morgan fox called and talked to morgan my sister about getting the "get up" video to the co-op before 7:30. morgan and i worked on a logo, which would not have been hard but practically none of our tapes are labelled and we had to go through everything trying to find clips for stuff. watch the finished product here and cry because the best part is too dark. oh yeah, our production company is now here. so we took the video to them and we came back and eat dinner and hung out for a while. then we went to go see our video with nine other short films at the first congo theatre. this woman from youth-xpress talked to morgan and i and said she wanted us to write an article about our filmmaking. so we said we'd think about it and she gave us her CARD. it was amazing. morgan bought some organic jelly beans and mom bought some organic soda and they were both very good. some of the movies were very good and some were boring even though they were short. i loved brian siler's two and this one called "rock star" featuring the yeah yeah yeahs, who are my heroes. i can't really remember all of them. margaret, meg, and christie got to come for part of the time (long enough to see our movie) but had to leave, because of their curfew. elise brought robin and brock and i love all of them more than anything. sarah rushakoff came just in time to see ours; dad missed ours because he was at his boss's 60th birthday party down the street. mom nearly fell asleep because it was a "late night out" for her and morgan wore her costume from the video. i loved being there and i loved sitting next to my sister, in front of my parents, and when elise was pimpin with her arm around my shoulder and me nearly falling asleep on her because of this movie that was the shortened version of the last man on earth or whatever it's called. when it was over, elise and robin and brock praised the video and the new logo, and we talked to morgan and josh, who are two of my favorite people on the planet and make me want to live in memphis forever. elise and i got organic sodas, and morgan showed us the trailer for his and josh's next movie, blue citrus hearts. big parts of it were filmed at white station. we were all very upset that we didn't get to be in it, even though morgan my sister is going to be in one scene and apparently morgan fox told elise that we could be in the last scene, so that's cool. we came home eventually and i got online and stuff. here i am. ta-da! good night all. i hope that tomorrow is as wonderful as the rest of the weekend.
we are, at this moment, in the process of shooting our followup music video to "get up" which is "untouchable face" directed by elise masur. we're also shooting katherine dohan's "much finer" music video, and we're about to edit her detention short. hopefully we'll have some stills up soon, and you'll be able to see them on the projects page.

Saturday, November 09, 2002

testing the new Blogger updating system.

come see our "Get Up" music video tonight at 7:30pm at the First Congo Theatre in the First Congregational Church on 1000 Cooper. see a map.

Friday, November 08, 2002

Tuesday, November 05, 2002


See what Rugrat you are.

See what Rugrat you are.

both of these popped up after i took the quiz so i think that i tied.

what a beautiful face

today was crazy and i was bipolar.
i am very very very excited about Do You Know Where Your Children Are? Productions. we have about 20 projects in the works. it's incredibly exciting. we're looking at different kinds of external harddrives (for imac g4 thingie) so if you have any recommendations or suggestions, please send them my way. we're working on getting a web site up (BRITTANY) so hopefully that will be coming at you shortly.
and then i was pissed off at other things all day long and i'm annoyed that no one seems to be able to tell me things. except elise and kevin, who i am in love with. it's crazy because it's just elise. and kevin. now and not EliseAndKevin entity, as of monday november 4. it's really sad. please send them your condolences, but don't really because they would probably get annoyed at me. katherine dohan already says i'm a gossip.
listen to the new tori amos album. it's bloody brill. and be sure to buy the special edition one with the dvd and stuff. the whole thing is a lot of fun. there's stickers and a charm and a map depicting the journey of the character that the album is based on.

Monday, November 04, 2002

whatever happened to my dear diary?

this weekend was great. today was euphoric, especially for like... 45 minutes there. starting about with when katherine and i started talking to zak, through curtian call, until the time that laylee and becca left theatreworks. god. brilliant. the rest of the day was really good too.

Saturday November 9 - 7:30pm @ First Congregational Church
series of short films featuring the "get up" video directed by morgan stewart, editted by alanna stewart
YAYYYYY COMEEEEE PLEEEASSESEEEE
SUPPORT THE MeDiA CO-OP AND DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE? PRODUCTIONS!! BE THERE!


also be there at 4pm on november 23 to see the screening of the momo's curse that was filmed by the wonderful members of the media co-op. thanks, guys!!!!