happy birthday to me

sick day and it's absolutely terrible.

Accountability

She counted on those people to be there. It was like that trust game. The one where you fell backward and someone would be there to catch you always. That kind of crushing trust.
She'd been floating with this certain flock of swans. They would float along the water and look so nice that nobody else could make a sound. It was like trust. When she fell there was no one there to catch her. Her backwards swan dive left her cold on pavement alone in tears. Floating she was. Flock long gone she took to the sky in search of something solid. I think that she and the rest of the visitors to that ghost realm could tell you now. "Never go looking for solidity in the sky. Those clouds can't support you with your heavy dreams." But I think it was nice while it lasted.
She needed people to count on. Swans. "I am learning," she said, "that I can only count on myself." And that much was true, and a lot of things are true. Like quests are where she's headed because water and air can't hold her. She is going to the city. Solid city hard and beautiful full of bricks for her. Full and there is someone waiting to be counted on.

once time fell
and in the early we rang through
trees not noisy we are
dancing windless milky brain
with spin planet collide in eyes
space high we fly
flat plastered to sticky sky
floating stuck
and ride against night
on black
bareback

i want a genie. it's true. actually i have been looking for my goddamn genie for quite a while now. my wishes were to be surrounded in love all the time and to see the beauty of the world. i'm kind of upset because my wishes have, in part, come true but i didn't get to actually meet my genie. who am i going to thank? i don't have an address to send thank-you cards to. what number do i call up and say “ever since you saved me, my life has been exploding into constant fireworks and can we go out for coffee some time?” not only do i want to have some serious discussion with my genie about why my wishes didn't come true sooner, i want to beg for some more. since my genie doesn't seem to be coming any time soon, i will use this time and this space to extend a verbal cry into the universe: genie, you have shown me the beauty of the world and you have surrounded me with love and beings i would never have dreamed. but genie, where is the beautiful house for us all to live in? where is our paradise in the LA hills where we will grow our own food and sew our own clothes and make beautiful music and create movies to celebrate life? where are our secret agent lovers? genie, i know this is a difficult prescription so i will give you a few more years to fill the order but i am waiting and i am counting on you. until then let me bask in the glow of everything i have found.

by appearing from nothing
you made me remember
and you made me dumb
tense
awkward
my bubble i was loving it
loving in it
my bubble caved away and i am
naked in the open now
does that make you happy?
because you kept smiling
so I'm Hitler laughing nervously
you came here on your mighty, white steed
with a pistol by your side
and how does Hitler react?
hahaha thanks so much
and that's a mighty fine face you've got on
you helped me forget love
again.
but this time it was three minutes not
three years
we have become simpler and simpler
i keep finding little moments to represent
us. together.
but
doesn't this beat all?
doesn't this? you beat me
over and over this time
three minutes
i struck one hard
i hope because
i'm left with almost no confidence
but in an hour or so i will be
in the presence of people i love
because i am loved and there's nothing
you can do about it
tell me what you will
i am alive!
so you think i'm vicious?
i feel!
LOVE and you can't stop it
so i destroyed some little person's dream?
i want to build for big beauty
and i can
and i will
i am building for big beauty
and it is mighty
and i am fine

it is hard to be mad at the world anymore
this place seems too beautiful
what happened?
if i was ever an elitist
i guess i am not now
i have changed
what you like doesn't always effect
what you're like
i am not sorry i am different
there's only one person who would be offended
and she is gone now

today was the first day back to school from winter break... it was veeerrrrrryyyyy long. the only new class i have this semester is mythology, which should be better than etymology. i wish that laylee was coming to white station. i can just imagine her being in my lunch.
bad lunch news: christie and margaret have gone, lauren ricks and casey o'rouke have entered.
good lunch news: lauren dunn, katherine dohan, and brock have come!
after school brock and i had a hopping contest but he won because he is far too tall and i am far too short and so i died.

"inspired by alanna's constant passion" by brock

Enthusiasm beams
From your enlarged eyes
An uncontainable jolt
Zipps through your spirit,
On code red: full alert
Your spiritual cotton
Wripping your seams
Thread giving way to
The sudden bulge
Your internal flame
Roars from fuel
It's the fourth of july sky
In the brain
And thought
Loses all sensibility.
Passion overcomes you.

i dont care enough to post anymore guys. well. it's christmas eve. elise spent the night last night and i think her music video is pretty much done (explanation here) so go watch it. also we saw the two towers, which we all loved. especially gollum and legolas and gimli and i dislike arwen and i wanted to see more eomer. but if you havent seen it, then DO. i liked it better than the first movie but i dont know... i know that i will get killed for saying this but i didnt actually find the book all that amazing. sorry guys.... the story and the mythology behind it are definitely the best things about the book but i just really couldn't get into it at all. i feel like the movies have fleshed out the characters so much more, as well as making tolkein's land a reality. i dont know, come argue with me i guess. the comments are open to the public, you know.

so i was trying to edit "untouchable face" when all of a sudden it did this crazy error and asked me to quit. so i do, and it says "the project file is not readable" and shows me that my clips still exist but it won't actually let me get to them to edit or watch. so dad kicks me off the computer and messes around for a few hours. i lie on the couch in misery and watch Noggin in sheer desperadoes. when dad is done doing his own stuff, we get on the Apple discussion groups and try to get some help. dad makes me leave to eat ice cream and lie on the couch in more desperadoes. but everything is okay! we use BBEdit to fix some screwed up text in the file and the movie still plays like a dream. i am hoping to upload it soon but i've gotta ask the host and make sure. the movie isnt done yet but it's 8.9MB. since yesterday at noon ended the first semester of the school year and the entire DYKWYCA team is now on Winter Break, we are free to work on movies. so i PROMISE that "untouchable face" will be done by the time break is over. even if it's not perfect. that part will come later. sorry for rambling, guys, have a wonderful break!

one of the archive weeks is disappearing. it's pretty distressing. i'm trying to fix it. let me know if it actually exists and i'm blind, please.

Which Sleater-Kinney Girl Are You?

hahahaha

12/12/02 Kill Rock Stars newsletter:

"Mary Hansen from the 5RC band Schema, and also from Stereolab, was killed in East London on Monday afternoon after being struck by a car while riding her bicycle. She was 36.

Although no-one at KRS/5RC had actually ever met Mary, we considered her one of us, and we grieve. We feel fortunate to have been able to release some of her work during her time here on Earth. Our condolences go out to her friends and family and band-mates. The world has lost a great one."

Schema - We Think We're Sane (Mp3)(site)
absolutely brilliant song. it's spinning off into another dimension and feeling very firmly rooted to the floor at the same time. i think the roots come from mary's voice because she knows just what she's saying. if it wasn't there, this song might be the soundtrack to some low-budget outer-space movie. it's amazing. i can't find any lyrics, but please listen really as closely as you can. when you hear this you'll believe that the world has indeed lost a great one.

elise's article (see post from 11/12) finally came out in the school newspaper, The Scoll, today. it was so exciting! my wonderful energy was floating around all day plus it was snowing plus things were just beautiful. i am really trying to finish up "untouchable face."

in other news, morgan was filmed in a scene for morgan fox's movie, blue citrus hearts, on monday.

crazy week i dont know whats going on. had a nice weekend. can't really remember it. ha. it's the morning time and i am about to leave.

i am used to backseats
daughter/mother
sister/brother
lovie/lover
i am used to the backseat
i fit there fine
behind what is happening
i see
hearts
i am learning to sit
in between friends
i feel
hearts
warm and this is where
love is

in the aeroplane over the sea

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye and be gone from me
Soft and sweet
Let me hold it close and keep it here with me

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me

Anna's ghost all around
Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me
Soft and sweet
How the notes all bend and reach above the trees

Now how I remember you
How I would push my fingers through
Your mouth to make those muscles move
That made your voice so smooth and sweet
And now we keep where we don't know
All secrets sleep in winter clothes
With one you loved so long ago
Now he don't even know his name

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all

--neutral milk hotel

where's your full-time gear?

thanksgiving was nice. i didn't really do anything for most of the week. i went home with elise on tuesday to take care of her poor head, which is a lie. it was an excuse for me to be there. she hurt her head, if you didn't know. read her thing about it. her dad didn't want her to drive the car in her condition, which didn't really make sense to either of us, so we sat at her house and watched creepy TV called drew carey and home improvement. linda, elise's mother, fed us wonderful food and then robin came over and was fed too. linda actually offered to drive us somewhere, too! so we picked up laylee and came to my house and watched a charlie brown christmas. we sat around and cast and recast for our movie version. it was great fun. i can't really remember what all we did but it was a nice night. first robin got picked up by her mother, then elise got picked up by her sister lena who had just gotten back in town. i filmed the reunion. it was lovely. then laylee got picked up by her crazy brother who refused to come to the door but sat out in his car for like five years. it was nice. a nice night. the next day i got packed and sat around and elise came over for a couple hours and we worked on untouchable face. she left about an hour before we did. i spent most of my thanksgiving break in jackson, mississippi with my grandparents. i bought two cds - grace by jeff buckley and trompe le monde by the pixies. you should know that "letter to memphis" (the song on which this blog's name is based) is on that pixies album. download it immediately and read the lyrics. it's a beautiful song. anyway i like both cds a lot but i have only listened to each one once. thanksgiving dinner was at cracker barrel with my parents and my grandparent since morgan felt too sick to go. when we got back, we found out she has step throat. poor baby. so yes we got back on saturday afternoon and i think we mostly just sat around for most of the day. my family went to see harry potter around 4 and they liked it. i am very glad i did not go. elise, lena, and brock picked me up at about 7 to go to elise's house where we ate thanksgiving leftovers with kevin, robin, and acacia. elise's brother aaron was there with his friends so we didnt really see him. lena was making clothes and the parentals were off doing god-knows-what so they were basically absent as well. we did get to see a lot of charlie, lena's dog that's part coyote or wolf or something. i had a lovely evening. brock filmed a lot. kevin drove brock, elise (haha) and i home. he and elise broke up practically right after they left my house. i don't think elise is having a very good week. i am waiting for her to call.

i feel awkward and clumsy in these halls
because of eyes and eyes and eyes
faces i never knew
i used to watch the ground
strange taking my eyes off my shoes
to reach
strange thing my hand out of my pocket
to wave
strange in prison
to smile