Showing posts with label weekend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weekend. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

however

however happiness is never. the time it comes is the same that it goes.


the restless feeling makes me run to the bars, to the people, to the substance something. 
there is nothing there. that is not where i needed to be.

instead i'm trying this old tack: jam jar gin and tonics, a rollie on the porch out back. 

this isn't it. 
it isn't anywhere.
the only thing is the cat in the drawer.
the only thing is never, more.


i pretend this isn't right, that there's another place for me.

it's nowhere. 
it's nothing. 

cant even complete these sentences. all i hear is wrong.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

let's go out into the blackest night time

1. on thursday morning, i left dorland in a hurry, with only 3 minutes to get to history class. still, i paused to hold the door open for the person coming out of the basement, who turned out to be thomas. i had met him a few weeks ago when jayme insisted we invade his room at 3am. we touched tummies and he was nice, but it ended awkwardly with me getting all quiet and self-conscious. i don't think we had talked since that night. so, i was nervous to see him but took a chance and said hello. he was calm, easy; asked about my fall break. we talked for a moment about the funeral and death, and it was a little intense, but thomas didn't shy away from the subject or say anything fakey. at the end of the bridge, our conversation was interrupted when his curly-haired friend attacked him... something about latex gloves clogging the toilet. i walk away without saying goodbye.
2. on friday afternoon, i was slaving over a cutting board with five giant boxes of apples at my feet, rushing to keep all the plates full for the massive number of wilsonites storming the pavilion, hungry for apples. it was so insane, i couldnt even look up to see who was patronizing my table. suddenly a voice: i look up to see that the bubbly voice belongs to a curly-haired, very cheerful girl. she's asking about the figurine from the Red Rose tea boxes, and what does dr. bradshaw tend to do with them. i tell her there's millions floating around the office and yes, she can have the turkey. a little bit later, charlotte and thomas are suddenly asking if i need help slicing; clearly they are in dr. b's epic-heroic class and have gotten the lecture about helping out the poor ERAs to keep us from slicing off our fingers (too late). thomas is so eager and so adorable, i can't turn him down, but his apple-slicing skills are mediocre, and he gives up quickly.
3. later that night, around midnight, i end up in the room across the hall for a halloween party. among other oddballs in the crowd, thomas and curly-head, whose name was discovered to be gina, were there. my group had stumbled in during a compliment circle, where everyone had to give everyone else a compliment. thomas said he had enjoyed our conversations and that one time at the english offices, he thought my feet were dr. bradshaw's until he saw the pink socks. gina said she liked my hair and that hers was green once too.
4. later that night, maybe around 1:30, i went outside to cry in the tent behind dorland. two people come outside: of course, thomas and gina. i'm a bit intoxicated from the party's gin, so i'm brave and say hello. they don't notice i'm crying, thank the stars, and invite me on a walk. it's raining a little, but we walk down to the garden and all around. somehow we stay up till 4am.
5. last night, after my usual crowd has disappeared or gone to bed, i crept down to the dorland basement to see if my new friends were still awake. i piddled outside the door for a minute before getting up the courage to knock. no one heard it. i tried a few more times, pacing back and forth in between, before they finally heard me. i'm invited outside with thomas, gina, charlotte, and paul to share a splif in the tent in the rain. everyone is drunk but me, so i start to catch up with the whisky in my pocket. charlotte and paul disappear and suddenly, somehow, we are throwing pieces of ceiling tile at each other in a battle that moves slowly down the angles of the dorland basement hallway. somehow i see thomas's ass and i get to watch gina wrestle three cookies and a bag of pirate's booty out of the vending machine with a coat hanger.
6. i wonder if we will see each other this week and whether we will get to talk. these sorts of relationships are so very odd.

listening to: the blow - that boy

Saturday, October 03, 2009

what to do?

should i go to a smart people potluck/party or a g20 arrestees fundraiser or wallow in my room all night?
(i slept till 3:45 today.)

obvervances of the last 20 minutes

--opossum appears out of the depths of sunderland darkness to scavenge for food, find and open a pizza box, and loudly crunch on crusts and crumbs. comes as close as 3 feet?
--a light in the bright full moon fog: lonely individual skips the smoking hut to stand at the foot of the hill. let them keep it, walk to the bridge.
--from under the bridge, a fluffy bundle atop a person creeping towards the vining treehouse. did something run you from the woods?
--a crisp, creaky crackling begins in the schafer trees and lurches towards dorland. it's almost overhead, the sound of tiny pebbles hitting leaves, but i can't feel anything.
--no memory of opening the door

Saturday, August 29, 2009

first friday

today: two girls cheek to cheek, wooden bench in a circle of trees, everyone is walking to class but no one is around.

the bridge rattles and creaks, a metal bar come loose shakes as i walk over. the drop to the ground becomes clear, stretches out and i'm thinking about dying. you give me a soft smile that makes this okay.


tonight: "open mic two" smells like train travelers and sharp pine, the weight of sophie's shoulders shaking with laughter into my chest, so many hands keeping simultaneous time that i can barely make out chris singing and picking, morgan dances and smiles in a way i'd forgotten, i twirl a yellow flower.

i keep thinking there will be a parade, but the banjos are put away and i go home alone.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

i am a werewolf

ahhh, another day.
soooo this weekend was the memphis trip, which we had been soooo looking forward to for so very long. i'm not sure if i'd call it anticlimactic.... it was definitely worth the trip. friday night was gonerfest where we (me, brandon, leroy, rachel, bonnie, ALICE, LAYLEE, etc) mostly sat in some bushes outside and drank malt liquor, i.e. SPARKS. this was the time of my downfall.... i've been sick for a while now and rather than going allll the way inside and waiting in line to blow my nose, i just used some leaves. naturally. i do this all the time. however, by the end of the night, i had little black marks on my face and arm, although i didnt notice them until saturday morning.
at any rate.... the bands were great, although, of course, Mr. Airplane Man blew everybody else out of the water. it was amazing!! brandon and i were basically the only dancers in the building, which was disappointing, but not at all shocking for the memphis hipster crowd. it's rather unfortunate how prudish we memphians can be... luckily i'm doing everything i can to break the mold. ho ho ho. after their set, i hung out with mfox and saki behind a newspaper until our eyeballs fell out. i was then dragged to the car because apparently rachel was passing out on the pavement and was really ready to go. i was still ready to run around, but apparently i was the only one. apparently i was the only one who thinks 2am is not that late. back at my house, my darling girls laylee and alice stayed with me until 4am, letting me rant and rave and rip my head off. what angels! i don't know what i would have done without them. so they left and i crawled into bed with my beautiful sister, who, a mere 3 hours later, opened her big, beautiful eyes and asked me, "why are you sad?" so of course i woke up. and you know, i cant generally go back to sleep after being awoken... so morgan and i made our rounds through the other rooms of sleeping kids and made sure we weren't alone in consciousness. perhaps we'll never be forgiven, but do you really think we'd care? ha! leroy and bonnie made a beautiful breakfast that was supposed to be hashbrowns, but ended up as mushy potatoes and veggies. it was still delicious, if you ask me. so we spent an unfortunate amount of time lounging around my house... not that i REALLY minded, but looking back, we probably should have caused some ruckus. although i got some great quality time with my kitty. we took naps in the early afternoon to combat our three/four/five-hour nights, and i helped morgan create the perfect pirate costume for a cowboys and indians ice cream social. she even had a sword! but the little hussy ran off with my bandana... grrr. i had just acquired that one, too. ah well, i suppose all things must pass. we eventually got out of that cave of a house, and wandered around cooper young for a few hours. traditional stops for records at goner, feast of eyes at house of mews, and deliciousness at young avenue deli... although since the neighborhood has been attracting more yuppies, they've raised their prices, and i don't like it one bit. the fries aren't as good these days either! it's almost not worth it but.... ohhhhh the cheesy sticks. yes yes yes. at this point we split up: the nola crew went off to fill a southaven fridge with warm beer, and the ALA girls headed downtown to create some mischief. i think i acquired about $100 worth of clothes, all soft and colorful and cottony. i'm pretty proud. then we all met back up again to go to theatreworks for Birth, a play which is trying to raise awareness about maternity care in the states. it was pretty great, and i'm so glad that we all got to go. especially the reduced prices for all seven of us! it is awesome to be in the our own voice family... theatreworks always feels like coming home.
after the play, we were supposed to hang out with lauren h, but she was nowhere to be found! sad the way that always seems to go... instead, we sat around on my kitchen floor and ate tomato soup and sunset pizza from camy's. by now it was almost 1am and the kids were starting to crash. brandon and i tried to rouse everyone for a late-night trip to peabody park, as is custom, but nobody was down. we walked alice and laylee out to the car, and by the time we made it back inside, everybody was.... indisposed. it was rather unfortunate. we convinced bonnie and leroy to give us a LITTLE shared bed time, but soon we were kicked out. it was weird to be kicked out of that whole side of the house... i don't think i've ever run across the predicament before. so brandon and i watched "return to oz" and looked up perversion on the internet. it was great times... as you can imagine.
the next morning, i woke up with a puffy, red face that mom swore was hives. leroy insisted that it was poison ivy, like whatever he had on his leg and arms. i used his zanfel medicine, but to no avail. i took some benadryl and passed out while morgan, leroy, and bonnie were cooking. everybody paraded in and out of my room like a tv show. i vaguely remember hugging rachel goodbye, morgan trying to coax me up with biscuit dough, etc. but mostly i remember my wonderful mama sitting with me, rubbing my back, and soothingly asking if i wanted to transfer colleges. it was certainly a weekend to be babied, and i gobbled it all up. unfortunately, now i'm back in new orleans, totally lonely and motherless again. i really do like to have someone taking care of me... my big memphis support group of friends is so perfect for that. even the reduced version that i had over the weekend was perfect. i can't figure out what's so different down here, but i just don't have the same sense of safety and love that i do when i'm in my hometown. i don't think new orleans is really that much scarier than memphis.... but i guess my neighborhood here is pretty bad. and my friends down here are all fucking nuts. i just want cuddles and hugs and someone that knows when i'm hurt and what the fuck i'm talking about. i need more women in my life. i need cat energy. i need a pile of pillows to pet on. i need tea parties and bubble baths and girls nights. this is a situation that i'm going to start working on asap. yeesh.

so my face is still all puffy and horrible. i went to the doctor before i realized that it was probably the nose-blowing leaves that did it... geeehhh. i have been taking medicine as if it was a bacterial infection, but i think i'll go back to the doctor on thursday to get checked out again. i've been sick for way too long!!! this is getting old!!! i need to be surrounded by less smoke, that will probably help my throat. geez.
tonight hilary is supposed to come over for a hair night with me and py! it should be great. as long as i can still manage to wake up for my 8:30 class, it's all good. we have pink and purple dye, and no regard for humanity dignity!
now i should go read "demian" for my short fiction class. i'm enjoying it so far and i can only expect that it will get better! plus there's a quiz tomorrow.. yipe.

Monday, September 24, 2007

everything that's breathing is also busying dying

so i was intending to post once i had some pictures and/or video to include with the text.... but yeah, it's not happening and you'll just have to wait.
what can i say? school's been back in session for a few weeks now... it's actually going okay. this is largely due to the fact that i changed my major back to english lit on the second day of classes. ha! take that, science, i could not stomach thee. my schedule looks like this:
MWF 10:30-11:20 Honors Biblical Literature
MWF 11:30-12:20 Modern Short Fiction
MWF 1:30-??? working at the library
W 8:30-10:10am Video Writing and Directing
TR 2-3:15 World Theatre II
TR 3:30-4:45 Intro to Creative Writing
and i generally work on tuesday and thursday morning as well. i got a raise! $7/hr baybee oh yeahhhhh. freaking rolling in it!!
and where does the money go, you ask?
well, this past week most of it went to drugs. i have been sick with bronchitis and it is awful. rite aid has my paycheck. other than that.. we buy a few groceries (the ones we don't glean in other ways), some toilet paper, and a good bit of beer. at least two people are drunk in the house every day. are we wasting away? perhaps. are we loving it? sometimes. are we considering another path? not really. so far everything is going as well as it could, i suppose.
realize i say this about a home that is haunted, filled with drama, and loaded with tension i could eat with a whole loaf of bread. it is ridiculous. on saturday, py confronted mal in the only way he knows how:
"so when are you moving out?"
yikes. he doesnt know her like the rest of us... yes, she has made a lot of promises she hasnt kept. she says this time is different. and yes, she's said that a thousand times before. but now she's got AA meetings every night and drug testing once a week starting in october. i just hate that we didnt have a real house meeting, and come to a decision TOGETHER rather than just sort of poking around and being rude and giving the poor girl a week to move out.... but the drugs, the monetary choices, the disappearances of stuff within our own home.. these things never stopped, even when we saw her improving. so i dont know, this is what it's come to. i can't say i'm thrilled but honestly i dont know what to say at all.
i dont even want to get into the sex drama. all i can say is that it's no fun to be sitting there bored when you are pretty positive that whoever is having sex in the room next door. especially when you have been looking forward to seeing this person for months and then they just come over to fuck your roommate, apparently. am i wrong here, or does that suck a little? either way, i recognize that this is my jealous, possessive side coming out... and oh, how it comes out. it chooses the worst ways, at the worst times, sneaking up on me when i'm drunk and too angry to put my courtesy filter on. well, fucking woops. i dont regret a whole lot of things.... i guess it sort of sucks that i stood in the middle hall room in the middle of our house and yelled about how i hate plastic, jesus, electricity, the whole modern world, the whole house and everyone in it. but i was depressed and it was all true. what can i say? it's weird to apologize for things that are still true, even if the timing and the delivery were inappropriate. not that i REALLY hate everyone in the whole house... although i definitely felt like it at the time. and that was what was important. i dont like containing anger. but like i said, i dont want to get into the rest of the house drama. there's so much and it probably shouldnt all go on the internet anyway. i'll try to keep you vaguely updated anyhow....
so leroy is taking mallory's room. he and his boondock will be staying with us until at least january, which will be fun because maybe everyone will stop accusing ME of being the craziest person in the house, and also just because i love leroy. i am looking forward to lots of free meals, free drinks, and goofy adventurings. however, leaving with mallory are her weezy dog and lucie cat and the rest of the female energy of the house. i will be a lone she-wolf. loucifur will luckily provide me with some fellow cat spirits, but even then, he's a little bastard. as was determined the other day... if lou were 6 feet tall, he would rule the whole freaking world. maybe i'm wrong but i dont think i could say that about most cats. perhaps because lou would be a tyrant and a master of surprise attacks from overhead. the point is: i'm thinking again about getting a kitten. i know i know i can't help it. but is it a good idea? i can't tell. i want a lady kitty friend, at any rate. and i haven't found any elsewhere yet.
however, i have made a few new friends so far this year. wonders! new friends make me happier than almost anything. i dont want to speak too soon so i'll give some better details later.
today has been rainy. i left home right after brandon got back from BR, a city i have been trying to avoid at all possible costs (but i end up going for the good shows). drove to school as i've been doing.. it's sort of nice although i end up bumping a lot of parked cars. shhhh! py constantly teases me about my driving skills, which i suppose are somewhat stuck in the mud, rather than improving... but speaking of BR, i drove from there to NOLA for the first time last weekend! and i didnt fuck up at all (although py would tell you differently, dont listen to him because he was wasted and doesnt remember anything) and we made it down in one safe piece. i was a kickass designated driver for my little drunken men.
point: it's not raining anymore. i was slightly late for bible class, despite my timely driving. i always goof around in the bathroom and forget that class is starting. woops! i thought i was going to really hate that class, but it's turned out to be freaking awesome. my professor basically tells us that everything we learned in sunday school is a load of bull and we talk about the real origins and meanings of old testament stories. he's hilarious and i especially love it when he talks about how stupid fundamentalists are. it is awesome. then i went to modern short fiction where i get to sit next to my friend david who makes me giggle all day. today we were discussing colette's "gigi" and about the sexuality of foods like asparagus and lobster. it was pointless but i took more notes in class today than i have all semester. usually i just write "FREUD" because that is all that our teacher talks about and it sucks so usually i read or write something else. being in a writing class has been really fun, just to get into the habit of writing again. plus my professor is awesome. so yeah, basically i've got a good bunch of classes this semester... i might go so far as to say this has been the best semester i've had yet! but perhaps i shouldn't speak so soon... midterms are coming up, after all. yipe.
but i don't care because i'm going to memphis this weekend!! look out, i'm coming home and i'm bringing my nutty friends with me! we are coming up on friday to see Mr. Airplane Man at gonerfest and i'm so freaking excited. we have seen a lot of great shows recently, it has been really awesome. last weekend we saw Witch Hunt at a house show in BR. brandon got their record, and i got a patch and a book about new orleans. even though i damaged my right ankle somewhat early in the evening, i still managed to dance on one foot and have a kickass time. and that ankle is all better now, although apparently this weekend i destroyed my left big toe and surrounding area.... doing god knows what. i just woke up with it all mangled. i'm hoping that it will just figure itself out and heal somewhat like the rest of my feet wounds always do. i have been realizing how freaking weird my feet look because of all the times i've fucked them up and just sort of let them figure out how to let me walk on them again. oh well.
i keep getting off track. the real point to all this is that py and i have been volunteering for the past couple weekends at the green project, where they've started doing a matinee show every saturday. this past weekend, we cooked the 'free vegan food' which they advertise for every show, and we got lots of compliments. py's soupy shitasaurus was a smashing success, of course. that stuff is delicious! vegan slop is really growing on me. mmmmmmm... py got free goodies from the band because his food was so good! lucky bastard. we danced our asses off and had a great time, despite the lackluster crowd.... hilary, py, and i made up for it with our energy and enthusiasm. the bands were all amazing! i havent been to such an all around good show in a really long time. first, an acoustic band called the Let Down played while we sat at their feet. the two ladies had beautiful voices and played guitar, although one also sometimes played a musical saw. a boy with funny hair also played guitar. their songs were about being alcoholic and in love and they were wonderful. then, Fake Problems went on a few minutes later. leroy and i had just finished pre-gaming outside and as we were walking in during the second song, i said to him "i hope EVERYBODY's DANCING!" and of course no one was. so py and i took that shit up a notch. or four. they sang country folk punk rock songs about capitalism. it was also awesome, and they gave py a free 7inch. then Parsley Flakes played. they wore silly clothes and sang songs about "zapatistas and white people," among other things. we danced like fools! then their amp started smoking 2 songs before the end of the set. it was intense.. but also hilarious and ridiculous. it was an amazing show and an amazing weekend... except for all the drama, of course, but i suppose that sometimes it can't be helped, and so it must be ignored. i'm getting better at this.
i forget if there were other things i meant to say, but if there were, i should save them for another day. this has gotten rather long, and i congratulate you if you made it this far. perhaps i will see you again soon.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

it's too warm inside your hands

friday was great. ada came to senior out to lunch at atlanta bread company with alice, brock, katherine, laylee, and me. the place was a bad idea, but it was pretty fun being loud and irritating to the east memphis stiffies. we screamed about sex and drugs. after school brock and i went to starbucks then davis-kidd to hang out with margaret. we called alice but she decided she didn't want to hang out. ada met us there, we spent forever standing in the cold parking lot trying to keep warm. fire and ice, babies. we made plans to see tarah, and in the meantime went to visit sick laylee at her house. we ate ice cream and looked at baby pigs. ada called LA for the second time that night, but she also pulled out. nothing was really going the way we'd planned, and i thought ada would be irritated, but she was not. which i am glad for. anyway, ada, brock, and i left for tarah's but on the way she called us and said something had come up but she'd call us when it was over. we wasted time and money at sonic, but listened to good music. stopped by my house for a bit. brock had to go home, so me and ada went driving. tarah never called, so we ended up outside atlanta bread company again smoking cigars. margaret called and said they'd missed their movie, and shortly thereafter, she, christie, and elizabeth joined the party. elizabeth couldn't stay long, and the rest of us went to ck's for a quick cup of coffee. christie had to get home, but margaret invited ada and i to come hang out at her house for a while. we cuddled up in her lovely room and talked for hours. we all lost track of time, for sure. ada finally dropped me off at home around 4:30, and at that exact moment my cell phone started ringing. my dad had discovered that i was not in bed. i made up some weird lie about being outside and talking on the phone. i'm not sure he bought it, but he didn't bring it up today, so i'm not worried. this morning i woke up at like 11:30. had some pasta. watched a lord of the rings special feature with morgan and mom. talked on the phone for a little bit. took a shower. went back to bed until like 6:15, at which point i ate some backyard burger. dad got me a cheeseburger. it was a cooked burger with grated cheese sitting on the top. unfathomable. then morgan and i went to the american musical review at our school to see newman in all his magical glory. i am totally in love with him. in contrast, everything else about it was very shitty and high school as expected. everyone was either showing off or just boring to watch. i spent a lot of the time laughing silently to myself. no offense to anyone in it or anyone who enjoyed it-- it's nearly impossible to have a good high school show, and i'm super critical about them for some reason. almost everything about those things pisses me off, from stoned, self-important techies to selection of songs to irritating people in the audience. oh man i can't help it. afterwards, dad picked me up. we had to drive duncan home. i like her. i watched yellow submarine with my parents. it is not anywhere near being the best beatles movie, and this time i enjoyed it less than i ever have before. i guess i was just in a really critical mood tonight. oh well. then i talked to brandon on the phone a while. i meant to go to bed right afterwards but look at this. here i am. i've already brushed my teeth and everything. sometimes i wonder why i keep this stupid blog, it just wastes my time and yours. now don't you feel silly for spending all that time reading this silly thing? yes you do. good night.

listening to: sleater-kinney - turn it on

Monday, November 10, 2003

this weekend (so far, although it's basically over for me. unless we see 'pieces of april' tomorrow, which mom thinks was filmed in my aunt's apartment building on the lower east side of new york) has been pretty damn good. well, except for my nothingness on friday. i had an orthodontist appointment so i couldn't hang out with kids after school. and anyway katherine and i had made editting plans, so it was all good. we ended up only getting to do it for a short time, as i mentioned before, because she had to go to the football game for band. then i sat around for hours and sulked. i went to the play because becca had said she was available to go that night. i got the impression that was really going to try and get there, so even though i had planned to go on sunday, rather than friday, i went so that she woudln't be alone. however she completely forgot about it, but that's cool. brock left that huge group of kids to come be with theatre, which was very nice of him. i guess it was less "nice" than just "i am brock and i can't stand to be in one situation for too long." i don't know that he even had a necessarily very good time. ah well, such is the life of a free mason. daniel from open-mic also showed up at the play, but he really didn't like it. i personally thought it was really great, very moving and emotional, and portrayed beautifully. it was INCREDIBLY short, which sucked, because i could really see how much greater it would have been if the auditions had had better turn out... it was just great. i'm sorry i didn't film it, because i know that i (and a lot of other OOV people) will regret that in the future. it was just amazing. even with the shortness, the point is done so well that it ends up not really mattering. huge kudos to all the actors, because you were fucking awesome. i pity all of you who didn't go see it. shame, shame, shame. please read the review and feel even worse about not going. because shit.
after the play, the three of us, plus morgan, eileen, and sara went to pizza cafe for a while. afterwards, brock was only here for like 10 seconds before his mom came. we were really tired. the day was okay, but not spectacular.
saturday, katherine came over and editted from 12 to 2 or something. it was okay, we didn't get too much done, and we got really tired of editting. hopefully we'll have time to do some tomorrow and maybe even finish the damned dance break. jesus!
laylee had nothing to do on saturday, and really wanted to see me. it was sad because of all days when i actually have fucking PLANS she is bored and lonely. it's always so opposite. but i spent a lot of time on the phone or online with her in between the time when katherine left and when zoe picked me and morgan up at 4:30 for her birthday party. we ate mexican with kimberly, zak, eric, katy, miranda, and zoe's mom. it was nice. then we (minus kimberly) hung out at square foods, and saw good time speech before going back to zoe's house (minus zak) for the most beautiful cake i've ever eaten featuring chocolate ice cream, vanilla cake, whipped cream, and reese's pieces bits strewn all over. ohh jesus melt. then we just hung out in zoe's room for a bit. eric went home, i nearly fell asleep on the floor. then we watched "hedwig and the angry inch." HOORAY HOORAY. i love that movie. i don't know that katy and miranda liked it... ah well. then zoe and i slept in her bed, while morgan, miranda, and katy slept in the den. zoe and i stayed up talking long into the night. it was nice, and all in all the night was not as awkward as i was anticipating. i missed a call from brandon, because i accidentally left my phone on silent after the play. i'm sorry, puppy lump. i would've liked to talk to you. it would've been nice if you had called tonight, too, while i was at laylee's beatles party. ohhh. it was so nice.
i really need to start eating better. or at least eating regularly. this morning, zoe's mom fed us so much damn food. i had 2 waffles, scrambled eggs, and a piece of that delicious cake for breakfast. it was more than i've eaten in like 3 months. so much that i basically didn't get hungry for the rest of the day. at all. my food pattern is getting really sad. it's at the point where my body is so USED to not eating, that when i finally do put something in it, it goes "HOLY SHIT! FOOD?! GIVE ME LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS MORE!" which i don't want to do. so since eating only makes me hungry, and i just avoid it more. one of these days i'm going to collapse and have no idea why. aha. after dad picked us up from zoe's, (we were the last ones to leave) i went home briefly. mom wanted me to research 4 colleges before i did anything else, so i did that and started to burn a cd for laylee. then mom was like "WE HAVE TO GO. NOW" and the cd was 10 seconds from being done, but she was really upset with me and there was no WAY we cold wait without her freaking out. it was really depressing. i was so excited too. so she took mixless me to laylee's house where she looked so fucking hot in her pajamas, and we cuddled on the bed, and listened to rasputina, and had a lovely time just sitting around being alanna and laylee. it was perfect. then laylee craved turkey wraps, so her mom took us to kroger to get the ingredients. while we were there, daniell called and said that at yogurt, she had invited brock to the beatles party they had planned for tonight. and while she was telling him, elizabeth overheard, so they invited her. she, in turn, asked if she could bring 5 other people. so laylee was like "waheoieig" plus everyone now had the impression that it was happening at laylee's house, which was not supposed to be happening in the first place. so we were rather put out. but it all worked out okay. we went home and ate our wraps, which weren't as good as laylee was anticipating. aww. i wasn't even hungry anyway HAHA. then arman came home from his job at the children's museum, and offered to help us with the party. it was really cute. he was doing that voice that laylee and becca also use. gwahahah cute. we ended up spending most of hte evening in prepartion. the guests arrived in a little trickle all night, and becca was the first to arrive, though not. in a very. good mood. somewhat like our friend the DwarfStar. then daniell came, and arman helped all of us make nametags on yellow construction paper with submarines on them. the nametag idea was a joke, because we were saying that if elizabeth brought 5 kids that none of us knew, we should have nametags to help remember who was who and everything... though in the end, i told brock on the phone that laylee really didn't want them to come, so it didn't happen. but we still wore the nametags, and i loved it. mine is very tiny. like me. i'm still wearing it and i like it. we (laylee) also made pins of the 5 main characters from the yellow submarine cartoon. they're pefect. i got ringo, which i was sad about at first, because george is my favorite and all, but after we watched "help" i didn't mind at all. because he's damned great in that movie. kevin was the captain of the submarine, rather than a beatle. because he's bearded and pink-ish. ahahahah. also arman bought us cookie dough and we made one big cookie out of it, to be a cake, and becca and daniell drew a big submarine on it with yellow icing, and wrote the beatles' names on it and covered it with lovely sprinkles, one big fat candle, and a star wars robot. it was damned beautiful and i'm sad we took no pictures. balloons were thrown, candles were blown, songs were sung, prayers were said. it was a beautiful evening. arman also made us drinks which he named "yellow submarines" which were lemonade and vodka. not incredibly pleasant, but it was supposed to make the party more fun aha. i had about half of mine, and kevin had the rest (entirely unaware that it wasn't just lemonade). partway through, "help" william arrived, and about halfway through becca and i spilled milk all over the place. as laylee and i ran around trying to clean it up, and start making popcorn at the same time, brock arrived. he let me hug him to death, which made me really happy because he's not been letting me. or maybe it's a public thing. or something. i don't know, but he did and i listened to his pretty heart. when we started the movie again, william and becca left to talk in laylee's room, and brock and i had great fun static-ing pink balloons to our heads. nobody would sing the songs with me. it was sad. and i kept trying to teach brock which beatle was which, and tell him that he needed to get a favorite before the night was over... i don't think it worked. now that i think about it, his presense at the party is really hysterical. he doesn't even like the beatles. i mean, he doesn't dislike them either but he wasn't raised on them like a lot of people (me, laylee, becca, daniell, kevin, and i will throw in william too for the hell of it). it's really depressing when you think about it. i remember my dad telling me their names on the cover of the "tv this week" when the anthologies were first airing. it was that picture of them on the beach in their red and white striped bathing suits. and i couldn't tell those shits apart. partly because of the damned grain of the newspaper photo, but still. and my first real beatles song was "taxman." i mean everybody hears "yellow submarine" on the radio and whatever, but the first one that i HEARD, that was played in the car, and i asked "who is this?" was "taxman." a george song of course. he's my favorite beatle. oh jesus i melted over him tonight. oh jesus i did. he's so damned beautiful constantly. he said some line about somebody's tongue "leaving it out like that, all pink and naked." AGHWHAHAOIEHAHI. jesus. i love the whole vibe of beatles films. they just make me so happy. because it's great to think that they really acted like that in real life. you could totally believe it. not to the extent that they all lived in the same house with four separate, differently-colored doors for each of them, but just the atmosphere of everything. i want so badly to believe that it was real, even if it was just during one album's era. and i hate the fucking monkees for trying to achieve that, and not coming anywhere close. stupid motherfuckers with no musical talent and pure money minds. i hate you forever. shut the fuck up with your fucking porpoise song.
after "help" we put on "hard day's night" because daniell and becca (who did come back in) had never seen it. i had suggested we watch that one first, because you can only really see the humor when you're watching closely and paying a lot of attention to the little dialogues and everything, unless you're just going to talk over the movie and dance during the songs... which is what we ended up doing. that was fine, but it would've been better to watch help like that, because you can be talking and still look up during a random scene and find some of it funny. even the delivery of "hard day's night" is colder and everything. there were some absolutely hysterical shots and sucessions of transitions in "help" that i hadn't really noticed before. ahah oh god i'm so film this is sick. i'm shutting up. the point is it was a really really great night. eventually, laylee and kevin were like "this night is done, we want to be alone." (though he hugged us both, kevin kissed me but not brock. MWAHAHA. i'm so god.) so brock and i walked to his house. on the way we sat back to back on a tire swing. my feet couldn't touch the ground, so brock did all the real swinging. i felt bad about that, but. sorry i'm a freeloader, brock. then he got dizzy so we just swung on the regular swings instead. it was nice. i think the skirt i wrote today is my swinging skirt, because i am always swinging and singing in it. very nice. luckily this evening, i didn't demonstrate it's horrifying flippage power to brock, where it does that billow and then flies practically over my head. ahahahaha. only laylee has seen that shit. anyway it was just nice and we talked a while. then he was worried that his mom would be anxious about us getting home, so we kept walking. i have never walked from brock's to laylee's, so i didn't know how long it would take and i was afraid we wouldn't have enough time to talk. i walk slowly anyway, because i hate time and i want to be leisurely or whatever the fuck. he strides. partly because he's so much bigger than me that his legs just move faster, but whatever. we had a nice conversation about our weekends and about why i hate it when people don't defend their opinion. he generally doesn't do that, so obviously even though he didn't agree with my speech he wasn't going to say anything about it. how sick and sad is that? it's depressing to think about. but it was a nice walk. my thighs got really fucking cold. the best part is that i had my bra in my coat pocket and it was sticking out everywhere. actually even better is that before i put it away, i had been carrying it and i accidentally waved it to brock's mom as she drove away. HAHAHAHAHAHA. she did indeed drive me home, and i felt guilty about doing that to her, but i thanked her and everything so hopefully she won't hate me even more than i know she already does. i hadn't thought to bring my house key because i didn't think i was going to be out late or anything, and i forgot that since dad has work tomorrow, he wouldn't be awake when i got home. therefore i had to crawl into my bedroom window again (this should be a weekly habit, because it's too much fun) and i'm sure that also made brock's mom uncomfortable. i didn't explain it to her. i didn't think to. oh well. as soon as i fell onto my bed, my phone rang and brock asked if i had gotten in okay. it was very sweet of him to check, because most people just drive off. but, as i've said, the lock on my window is broken so it wasn't like there was no way in or anything. hahaa jesus. i still have laylee's wallet in my purse. i called to tell her and we got to talk for a little, while kevin linuxed. i love to talk to laylee. oh god it's good. she is entirely honest and beautiful to me and no one is as good as laylee. except maybe george harrison. but i told her i was going to go to bed because i was so tired. instead i came in here and wrote this hour-long post for her. so she better be fucking happy.

listening to: the beatles - the long and winding road

Sunday, November 10, 2002

we don't have to get along

i'm having a great weekend. friday was a half day, so we did aboslutely NOTHING in school. we had two and a half classes and a basketball game which i chose not to go to. in geometry, we played with calculators and didn't get in trouble. in etymology, we read the school newspaper and i took notes on movie ideas for elise. in biology, i filmed things. then we watched part of tarzan and i tried to read a farewell to arms. don't let anyone try to tell you that that book is not about sex, drugs, and rock n roll. then we were dismissed at 11:10. kevin and his sister emily drove behind elise and i on the way to oak court mall for luncheon. robin and a huge group of people were walking, and at some red light we stopped and waved at them. doug godwin RAN ACROSS POPLAR and got into elise's car, which was beginning to move, and was thereby thrown across the entire backseat as we turned into the parking lot. i swear, the entire population of white station was there. i didn't have any money so i just filmed people eating. elise drove robin home and then we had very meaningful conversation on all levels. we went to elise's house and drove around. she changed out of her uniform and we went and stole morgan from lindenwood, and went straight back to elise's house (next to borders) so that she wouldn't be late for her doctor's appointment, where she got an evil flu shot and almost lost her voice. morgan and i sat around the Masur house and watched labyrinth. when elise got home, we picked up robin and went back to elise's house where, after conference, we called kevin and told him he had to be the star of elise's music video and we needed him at that very second. (oh yeah. elise and kevin are broken up but they don't act like it. hence, elise deciding to do "untouchable face" for her music video.) so we walked to the park and waited. then we filmed some things and it went really well, i think. i forgot to use the cool effect the whole time but i think it will be ok. i'm sad that i can't make that effect happen once i get the footage onto the computer. then elise, morgan, and robin drove to burger king and kevin and i followed. there, kevin paid for me to have dinner, which was fries. i also ordered a small water so that elise could throw it all over kevin. it was a really great shot. poor thing was cold for the rest of the night though. then elise drove robin, morgan, and i around for a while trying to lose kevin. we were actually going to try to go to laylee's house but we got really turned around and suddenly we were going the opposite direction on yates. so we didn't lose him and we went towards black lodge. the whole way we had the sun roof and a couple windows rolled down, singing at the top of our lungs. the best moment of course was when we got to listen to "Debaser" by the pixies and sing to kevin behind us. he also had his sun roof down and was singing at the top of his lungs. he told us later that elise had nearly hit about 2935070239 different things while trying to dance and drive. at black lodge, elise rented morgan fox and josh laurenzi's movie three minutes (based upon the revolution of the sun) but as far as i know, she hasn't had a chance to watch it yet. so we hung out there for a little while and walked around cooper-young and attempted to stalk josh and morgan fox but it didnt work. so we said goodbye to kevin and elise drove robin home. then we went home with elise just to get my backpack and my camera stuff because i had left it there thinking we would come back like. right after the park. so i'm sorry for wasting all of elise's gas but i love love loved getting to talk to her and be in the car for the extra time. it's the first time that i haven't been the first one to get dropped off. i'm so glad i don't have a curfew of any kind ahhahaha. so elise drove morgan and i back home. i got online and stayed on way too late, but (thank god) i sent my alarm for 11am which is when i woke up. voiceless elise came and picked me up at 12 and we went to perkins for lunch. we got to sit in a big roomy booth even though there were only two of us because all the other seats were taken. i loved being able to be there with elise. i can tell her anything. she said that this week would have been a shitfest without me and robin there, and i'm not sure exactly what i did but i really tried to be there for her and let her rant at me whenever she needed. elise and i shared these cheese and chicken quesadilla things that were really good. i didn't think i'd like them but i diddddd and elise paid for them and i felt bad. then she drove me home and as soon as i got there, morgan fox called and talked to morgan my sister about getting the "get up" video to the co-op before 7:30. morgan and i worked on a logo, which would not have been hard but practically none of our tapes are labelled and we had to go through everything trying to find clips for stuff. watch the finished product here and cry because the best part is too dark. oh yeah, our production company is now here. so we took the video to them and we came back and eat dinner and hung out for a while. then we went to go see our video with nine other short films at the first congo theatre. this woman from youth-xpress talked to morgan and i and said she wanted us to write an article about our filmmaking. so we said we'd think about it and she gave us her CARD. it was amazing. morgan bought some organic jelly beans and mom bought some organic soda and they were both very good. some of the movies were very good and some were boring even though they were short. i loved brian siler's two and this one called "rock star" featuring the yeah yeah yeahs, who are my heroes. i can't really remember all of them. margaret, meg, and christie got to come for part of the time (long enough to see our movie) but had to leave, because of their curfew. elise brought robin and brock and i love all of them more than anything. sarah rushakoff came just in time to see ours; dad missed ours because he was at his boss's 60th birthday party down the street. mom nearly fell asleep because it was a "late night out" for her and morgan wore her costume from the video. i loved being there and i loved sitting next to my sister, in front of my parents, and when elise was pimpin with her arm around my shoulder and me nearly falling asleep on her because of this movie that was the shortened version of the last man on earth or whatever it's called. when it was over, elise and robin and brock praised the video and the new logo, and we talked to morgan and josh, who are two of my favorite people on the planet and make me want to live in memphis forever. elise and i got organic sodas, and morgan showed us the trailer for his and josh's next movie, blue citrus hearts. big parts of it were filmed at white station. we were all very upset that we didn't get to be in it, even though morgan my sister is going to be in one scene and apparently morgan fox told elise that we could be in the last scene, so that's cool. we came home eventually and i got online and stuff. here i am. ta-da! good night all. i hope that tomorrow is as wonderful as the rest of the weekend.

Monday, September 16, 2002

been rubbing a bad charm with holy fingers

so weekend. on friday, brittany and i had wanted to do something but she stayed home for waiting Button Boy to get online or call her or something along the lines of communication, which he did not. by the time i think she may have wanted to do something, i had made plans to go out with elise, robin, and brock. however, they never came to pick me (or brock) up. apparently elise and robin went on a walk and lost track of time or something. i went to bed fairly early.
on saturday, the first thing i did in the morning was listen to our lovely Launch radio station so i suggest that you should to. it's pretty good. i can't exactly perfect it because i'm trying to only rate songs that we've done previously for music log. at some point, margaret graves called and asked if i was going to the cooper-young festival. no, i had not left yet at 1pm because brittany couldn't get a ride and i couldn't get in touch with laylee. margaret and i met at java cabana and watched part of Mutant Space Bats of Doom's show or whatever theyre called. i think that's about right. the band is bennett foster, zak baker, linton holiday, and hunter deacon. ask me about getting some stills, since i filmed a bit of it. (a very little bit.) but still. i found laylee, becca, katherine, and meg but i didnt really keep up with them. when i first saw laylee she hugged me HUGE and philip jacobson stared. it made me very happy. we were everywhere. margaret and i were trying to get some hardcore club footage. katherine was JUST ABOUT to go over and interview them (with my lovely questions) but they fucking left. it was terrible. of course, laylee and becca went with them so there went the party. we should have stalked them, i'm so serious. so we got a few random people to say "i hate the hardcore club" and that was great enough in itself. margaret and i sat in java cabana for a while and just talked and that was really nice. that makes me want to hang out with her (and meg and katherine warren and christie and heather) more often. at some point we walked to felix to meet my mom, who took us to auditions for the upcoming play, the momo's curse (by our own voice) at theatreworks. margaret said she really enjoyed the auditions (which are not real auditions) but that she thought she'd done a terrible job dancing. i can't say if it's true or not because i didn't see her (ehoaoeieowooiwi i'm terrible). her dad picked her up, and my mom dropped morgan and i back off at cooper-young festival for an hour because i wanted to see if anyone i knew was still there, which they were not. except for zak, who morgan talked to. it might have been more interesting if i had remembered to bring the camera that time but i had not. and then maybe if we'd had anything to eat besides cokes (in bottles!) but we did not. mom picked us up on tanglewood (we'd been sitting there watching this great dog jump practically over his fence) and we ate backyard burger. mom said that elise had called, wanting to know if i could come with them to cooper-young and mom said they were probably already there but i hadnt seen them obviously. when we got home, i called kevin's cell (amusing that they'd be together. jesus i really do treat them like they're married.) and he was just pulling up at elise's house, so i talked to her and she invited morgan and i to come watch the royal tennenbaums with her, brock, and kevin at his house. i accepted of course and it was gala event. for those of you who care, elise's hair is now Super Blond. after the movie (which i loved for the third time) kevin drove us home because he's the sweetest thing. i stayed up too late just sitting around online.
sunday when i woke up, we went to the second auditions for momo's curse. katherine was there and that was happy. afterwards i sat around online a good bit and then did my homework. the end.
today... well this week at school is spirit week so today was Wear What You Want Day. i was going to wear the uniform because it would have been ghastly funny but i don't have one. so i just wore jeans (surprise, surprise) and my bob & doug mckenzie shirt because they are my idols. margaret gave me back my comet gain cd. meg has my sleater-kinney one beat, becca still has doolittle by the pixies (which i desperately miss), and elise STILL has dig me out by sleater-kinney. margaret was reenacting her massive fall from this morning, at lunch today, with my backpack. and when she slung it over her head and made it fly she brutally crushed my comet gain cd case but thats ok becuase i'm sure there's an extra one somewhere. also at lunch, ted link came and sat down at our table but he only talked to sam (jazz band drummer guy that i think katherine warren likes) so that was really crazy. actually hardcore was brought up somehow and he said that he'd STARTED IT! meg asked if we could make a documentary about it but i dont think he heard and that completely sucks.