dead

i don't want to be looking at a screen in this harsh light but i don't know what else to be doing. i want paper but i don't have it. i left everything in the other room and i don't want to interrupt brett and rex bonding and talking sex stuff bc i know it can't happen if i'm around. now it seems also i have the toots. so there you go. i don't know why i'm still awake. i mean i do but do i ? i've been sick and wanted to not. jeebers cries how many of these pitiful journals can i write. how do i know if i'm even alive.

hex

I cut the cord. I take back everything I've ever given you. My time, my energy, my love, all of it is flowing out of you and back to me. I give myself these gifts. I deserve my own kindness. I have the power to heal.
You have none of me. You will feel cold and alone. You will find yourself left with nothing until you do the work of healing. Your silver tongue will turn to stone. You will get exactly what you deserve.

today

gojis had so many buds, including some of the new implants. 

also pruned them and the grapes and wlberberries. griff is great. tarryn brought biscuits with amish butter. 

meanwhile thursday sent messages from afar that sent me spinning. where do we go?

farm alliance meeting was awkward. i'm just not the same as these people. even before the third beer. bff isolated itself a little but mike was cute and outgoing. 

i started feeling really sad about my grandparents and the ways i've failed them - their expectations as well as my own. i should have collected more stories, memories, sayings. i hear myself trying to say their words and it just hurts. 

told katherine that i want to be funny (again) and how i miss her (again) and that i've been thinking of stupid fake stand up jokes when i wake up in the morning. she wants to hear them for some reason.  but i'm not sure if they're translatable without the laugh track and funny faces.  

i started getting really sad and crying because i don't belong here, as much as i try. nobody saw it. i'm a great actor. i bought a pack of cigarettes to help me handle it. i bought a whisky ginger to help me handle it. i said "can i get... a.. um..." and he said "'may i'? that mught help." i must've given him a look but he brought out a menu anyway. i explained that we'd had a misunderstanding. i thought he was in teacher mode telling me to use 'may' instead of 'can't' but you can't explain the joke after it's happened. at any rate he didn't charge me for the drink. he was cute and young (dani type) and i think he was trying to convince coworkers to come to karaoke at the crown after shift. 

but after that i still went to the bathroom and cried because i'm missing all the things i care about. i don't know how to talk about it. i'm depressed that my therapist stopped contacting me. i'm depressed that i'm surrounded by farmers and i don't share their knowledge- how much do i want to? i'm depressed by all the books i haven't read and jokes i haven't said. i bought smokes. i told morgan at christmas that i smoke because i hate myself and she made me vow to quit. i was doing okay but i haven't stopped the hate. what is the source? i've explained that i feel less depressed when i'm busy and doing things and have lots of projects- then comes anxiety but it's different problems. i'm still avoiding the root of the problem. i'm still in hate with me. and having urges that i can't fulfill, thinking of writing or joking or whatever. thinking of myself in some other schemes but there's no time to dream with all of these other plans on my head. whose plan? whose dream? where do i fit? nathalie told me to see this pattern. i don't need to go where o think i can help. my help is not the solution. how fuxking selfish even am i?? the neediness of feeling other. the demand to be understood. the feeling of never holding anything. 

they've replaced our old streetlight. it was yellow and faulty and perfect. now we have a constant white dawn over everything, to prevent breakins i expect. the light is cold and familiar and unchanging. i sleep with the blanket over my head. 

i miss my cat. dear gods i miss her more than anything. how i have failed. 

whose hole ?

you're so fragile, sometimes I don't know how to hold you

You are so fragile, sometimes I don't know how to hold you. I want to be a soft place for you in a hard world, but sometimes I find myself craggy, a beach of broken glass + pebbles instead of sand. You don't deserve to wash up here. 

When I feel lost + broken, I pull away to spare you, but it apparently just makes things worse. We both fall backwards into silence + despair.

I want you to reach for me, but I've lost you too, now we're both gone. How many times this has happened, how we talk it out, but begin again.

I'm afraid that we're too broken to not break each other.

Or I'm a bird, and you're a fish, and air + water will never mix.

Like you can never hear the bug + cricket song, sometimes I feel like you

can't hear me. Like nothing I say will settle. How can I make

you hear me with a shell to your ear, and dreams of having fins

in the ocean, when all I can offer you is a craggy windy brutal beach.

How I try to make you happy but I only make you cry.

How you're longing for the ocean but I can only give you sky.

hedgehog hugs

today I try to talk to you for some dumb reason (when will I learn?) and it's like talking to a wall. why even bother? but you give me one piece of insight-- "ask me tomorrow when I've had some time to process." "oh hey what did you think about what I said yesterday?" that I can do. 

tonight I snuggled up and why? made suicide jokes and you tell me I'm not allowed to do that. not allowed to die. but you wouldn't miss me for more than a minute, you'll readjust fine, I say. she's giving me looks but not telling, not until we aren't making eye contact and I'm nuzzled to her chest. "I would cry a *lot* and then probably cry randomly for weeks." I joke about how selfish she is, how she'd only be sad for herself since she's lost her only friend.

when she gets up to go take her pills, "oh and if you want proof, that's why I was randomly crying this morning." but why? "because I worry about you." even though I told you I wouldn't talk about it, you still remember. 

and just when I think I've got you pegged, when I've given up, drawn the line, you always get me. the things you actually do remember, what you choose to care about. 

you keep saying we are too different, totally different personality types, just two hedgehogs hurting when they hug. on some level, maybe you're right, but we haven't even be friends for any time at all, we hardly know each other. and if it were only hurt then why are we so soft?

NO ONE likes a depressive, despite what they tell you.  no one wants to hear about your trouble feelings, so don't say anything. you can write it down and talk to the cat. no one wants to hear how you cried when you dropped the syringes, cried doing laundry, cried for no reason except: this is the true you, wading through the sick sludge of sadness, unable to laugh or eat, cannot pretend. the fine line between the pill and the promise, the place where you will find your ultimate self and death.
retreat.
retreat.
retreat.

i read your letter

and i felt only emptiness. you can't get back what you broke. i've tried, but i don't know how to make you understand that. i'm glad that you are happy, but i have nothing for you. sometimes i miss you but i know i'm missing something that doesn't exist anymore. some days i can smile at those memories; others i'm just hurt and heartbroken. i can't forgive you if you can't understand what happened. you threw out our friendship and you don't deserve it back. i am more than you ever knew, than you will ever know.

"Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace is transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender."

tonight, walking back with the groceries, i thought of this quote, in the parking lot between the car and the door. i was thinking, “i cannot be happy. i have tried and failed too many times, it hurts too much, i give up on happiness,” and the resignation was such sweet relief, and it was so familiar, having thought this so many times, and i want to just feel nothing but that feeling, that empty low that owes nothing, that hollow in between the trying. and i thought of this quote, and i felt so calm, and of course reading it here now, it seemed better in my mind, though i couldn’t quite say just what is missing. and that rather neatly drives the whole thing home, doesnt it, though i hate to point it out.
remembered this quote tonight, walking from my car to the apartment, desperately hoping that the grocery bag wouldn't break. that would have just been the last straw. (i wonder what really would be the last straw, at this point.) thinking: i want to go home, but there is no home. i want to be somewhere else, do something else, but it won't help. i want to be happy, but i don't know how. i'm not capable. i have known this for a long time, but remembering my resignation tonight with the groceries, i felt such a burden lifted, and i remembered this quote. i don't want to jinx it, but so far it seems to help. or maybe it's just really late. today was terrible. this week was terrible. every time i see a bit of silver lining, or have a little moment to smile, it all goes black again. i am overwhelmed and undone by everything. it's leaking out now, without my choosing. laylee had to see me cry tonight and i felt like such a pathetic baby; i didn't want her to know. coffee, brett phone call, egg in a basket, car phone calls, craigslist, nothingness, shower, getting off x3, hash stash chills, look for place to live, couch on the car, hit the other car, crying, grocery, beer, tv, sleep. why i cling to other people: i have nothing to live for on my own. why i stay up so late: i'm allowed to be in my own world, a nothing place.

at the dealership

death night. puddles, beer, tears. i don't know that i'm qualified to take care of cats. or much of anything else. feeling more useless and alone than ever and could really use a hello.
of course there's plenty else to say but no time at all to say it. 2am!!! how are you here again. i have to go to bed to dream about cats to wake up to take care of cats. repeat. circle.

i am a werewolf

ahhh, another day.
soooo this weekend was the memphis trip, which we had been soooo looking forward to for so very long. i'm not sure if i'd call it anticlimactic.... it was definitely worth the trip. friday night was gonerfest where we (me, brandon, leroy, rachel, bonnie, ALICE, LAYLEE, etc) mostly sat in some bushes outside and drank malt liquor, i.e. SPARKS. this was the time of my downfall.... i've been sick for a while now and rather than going allll the way inside and waiting in line to blow my nose, i just used some leaves. naturally. i do this all the time. however, by the end of the night, i had little black marks on my face and arm, although i didnt notice them until saturday morning.
at any rate.... the bands were great, although, of course, Mr. Airplane Man blew everybody else out of the water. it was amazing!! brandon and i were basically the only dancers in the building, which was disappointing, but not at all shocking for the memphis hipster crowd. it's rather unfortunate how prudish we memphians can be... luckily i'm doing everything i can to break the mold. ho ho ho. after their set, i hung out with mfox and saki behind a newspaper until our eyeballs fell out. i was then dragged to the car because apparently rachel was passing out on the pavement and was really ready to go. i was still ready to run around, but apparently i was the only one. apparently i was the only one who thinks 2am is not that late. back at my house, my darling girls laylee and alice stayed with me until 4am, letting me rant and rave and rip my head off. what angels! i don't know what i would have done without them. so they left and i crawled into bed with my beautiful sister, who, a mere 3 hours later, opened her big, beautiful eyes and asked me, "why are you sad?" so of course i woke up. and you know, i cant generally go back to sleep after being awoken... so morgan and i made our rounds through the other rooms of sleeping kids and made sure we weren't alone in consciousness. perhaps we'll never be forgiven, but do you really think we'd care? ha! leroy and bonnie made a beautiful breakfast that was supposed to be hashbrowns, but ended up as mushy potatoes and veggies. it was still delicious, if you ask me. so we spent an unfortunate amount of time lounging around my house... not that i REALLY minded, but looking back, we probably should have caused some ruckus. although i got some great quality time with my kitty. we took naps in the early afternoon to combat our three/four/five-hour nights, and i helped morgan create the perfect pirate costume for a cowboys and indians ice cream social. she even had a sword! but the little hussy ran off with my bandana... grrr. i had just acquired that one, too. ah well, i suppose all things must pass. we eventually got out of that cave of a house, and wandered around cooper young for a few hours. traditional stops for records at goner, feast of eyes at house of mews, and deliciousness at young avenue deli... although since the neighborhood has been attracting more yuppies, they've raised their prices, and i don't like it one bit. the fries aren't as good these days either! it's almost not worth it but.... ohhhhh the cheesy sticks. yes yes yes. at this point we split up: the nola crew went off to fill a southaven fridge with warm beer, and the ALA girls headed downtown to create some mischief. i think i acquired about $100 worth of clothes, all soft and colorful and cottony. i'm pretty proud. then we all met back up again to go to theatreworks for Birth, a play which is trying to raise awareness about maternity care in the states. it was pretty great, and i'm so glad that we all got to go. especially the reduced prices for all seven of us! it is awesome to be in the our own voice family... theatreworks always feels like coming home.
after the play, we were supposed to hang out with lauren h, but she was nowhere to be found! sad the way that always seems to go... instead, we sat around on my kitchen floor and ate tomato soup and sunset pizza from camy's. by now it was almost 1am and the kids were starting to crash. brandon and i tried to rouse everyone for a late-night trip to peabody park, as is custom, but nobody was down. we walked alice and laylee out to the car, and by the time we made it back inside, everybody was.... indisposed. it was rather unfortunate. we convinced bonnie and leroy to give us a LITTLE shared bed time, but soon we were kicked out. it was weird to be kicked out of that whole side of the house... i don't think i've ever run across the predicament before. so brandon and i watched "return to oz" and looked up perversion on the internet. it was great times... as you can imagine.
the next morning, i woke up with a puffy, red face that mom swore was hives. leroy insisted that it was poison ivy, like whatever he had on his leg and arms. i used his zanfel medicine, but to no avail. i took some benadryl and passed out while morgan, leroy, and bonnie were cooking. everybody paraded in and out of my room like a tv show. i vaguely remember hugging rachel goodbye, morgan trying to coax me up with biscuit dough, etc. but mostly i remember my wonderful mama sitting with me, rubbing my back, and soothingly asking if i wanted to transfer colleges. it was certainly a weekend to be babied, and i gobbled it all up. unfortunately, now i'm back in new orleans, totally lonely and motherless again. i really do like to have someone taking care of me... my big memphis support group of friends is so perfect for that. even the reduced version that i had over the weekend was perfect. i can't figure out what's so different down here, but i just don't have the same sense of safety and love that i do when i'm in my hometown. i don't think new orleans is really that much scarier than memphis.... but i guess my neighborhood here is pretty bad. and my friends down here are all fucking nuts. i just want cuddles and hugs and someone that knows when i'm hurt and what the fuck i'm talking about. i need more women in my life. i need cat energy. i need a pile of pillows to pet on. i need tea parties and bubble baths and girls nights. this is a situation that i'm going to start working on asap. yeesh.

so my face is still all puffy and horrible. i went to the doctor before i realized that it was probably the nose-blowing leaves that did it... geeehhh. i have been taking medicine as if it was a bacterial infection, but i think i'll go back to the doctor on thursday to get checked out again. i've been sick for way too long!!! this is getting old!!! i need to be surrounded by less smoke, that will probably help my throat. geez.
tonight hilary is supposed to come over for a hair night with me and py! it should be great. as long as i can still manage to wake up for my 8:30 class, it's all good. we have pink and purple dye, and no regard for humanity dignity!
now i should go read "demian" for my short fiction class. i'm enjoying it so far and i can only expect that it will get better! plus there's a quiz tomorrow.. yipe.

anger makes me a modern girl

i just went to the OR for lunch and got kicked out for being barefoot. "health hazard" my ass! it's more likely that i would get gangrene from their floor than that i would give them herpes or something..... well maybe that's what they meant.
either way, i'm annoyed. but i made py buy my food. hahaaa!
last night at 4am i was sinking fast... just a veritable puddle of tears. and i was writing in this little notebook that i'm supposed to have filled up by 3:30 for class today, and i just said to myself, you know what? fuck this. no more crying about this shit. and i stopped! it was kind of amazing. so i went to bed angry and enlightened instead of sad and weepy. good news, maybe.
i might post some of my little thoughts from that notebook. it's debatable.
is anyone reading this?
i've gotta go finish reading "death of a salesman." wish me luck on the quiz!

Do you think Tide gets rid of tear stains? It's really no matter, I know the crowds I walk among can't see them on me. It's one of the only things belongs solely to me -- the count of my weeping, the travel of my sorrow, I miss you. It comes back to that, but doesn't boil down to it. The essence is actually questionable. I've always believed that everything has a purpose. And this whole mess feels like nothing more than a mess. Is this another test of our love's strength? I feel we've already mastered distance, though. Are we not designed to be close yet? Was our fated meeting early, and now it's getting fixed? Am I supposed to feel another painful autumn, winter? Is my purpose to feel pain? Am I supposed to be discovering my own strengths? I don't see how I can, I am nothing but dependent in this stage. I have no place in Memphis with my placeholders missing.

he move me and the chains changed

today is nothing but ice and misery. i'm trying to make myself work on applications, but i'm a whiny baby and i need someone to hold my hand and tell me what to say. i've been avoidantly making charts to look like i've accomplished something and tittering through things i've already finished. when i stop caring altogether, i snack on wheat thins stacked with monterey jack cheese, sip some DP, and listen to kristin hersh. i've become enthralled (again) with her early Muses work. i live in cycles. we used to be funny. one day we'll find it again.

listening to: throwing muses - cry baby cry

give me dead

today at school was horrifically depressing. it started out with a chocolate donut, conversation with my great friend margaret, and a little bit of hope. it ended in depression and near-tears into a vanilla milkshake. i don't know what's more pathetic. i really can't believe that bush is president again, and i don't know what to do. we watched kerry's concession speech in pre-calculs from the couch, holding nervous hands and trying to be light-hearted about it. my shock and sadness surprise me. everybody is stirred to act somehow. eileen's rallying people to go to the "what do we do now?" type meeting at media co-op tomorrow night. allison says she wants to start something, do SOMETHING at our school, just to put something positive in the world. there's an intense need to create, to act, to believe in something greater. i'll get behind anything right now. i was looking forward to sudan awareness week, but it's mostly just that-- goddamn awareness. watching a video, having a speaker. i feel like there's so little action. i need to DO and there's nothing doing. i predict that the play this weekend will be teeming with passion. after that i'll have no direction, and i need to not feel useless. if anyone has ideas, please get me there.
i came home to my sister, who stayed home sick (half emotional, i think) on her 15th birthday. we tried to get happy with a massive dinner at pho saigon and dessert from the cheesecake corner. i like that the cheesecake man remembers me. morgan opened purple birthday presents; we wore hats, sang songs, and made merry. a strange conclusion to a weary day.
a girl in my psychology class made a depressingly humorous joke (which i've been repeating all day -- sorry) about how since bush has been reelected and he's going to get to appoint like 4 justices to the supreme court, they're going to reinstate the draft and overturn roe vs. wade. so we'll all be pregnant and in the army. i can't wait.

today was terrible. last night i cried myself to sleep. i've never done that before. i couldn't stop. it was just everything and that was too much. at one point i decided to call someone, but when i picked up the phone i couldn't think of who. no one wants a late-night tear-stained phone call from sinfully depressed alanna. i don't know what's wrong with me this week. it's getting really bad, and i don't know what to do.
i wish i could've just avoided everyone at school today. for the most part i did a pretty good job of acting fine. i didn't see becca after 2nd period, which i usually do, so she might've thought i was avoiding her. actually, after 6th period i conciously did avoid her. it was too late in the day for me to deal with things. i feel awful for being such a slut to her yesterday. well actually she's just gotten online so i'm going to try to talk. let's see.

listening to: the gits - guilt within your head

my throat is really tight like i'm going to cry. i'm not.
becca and william drove to nashville after school and saw bonfire madigan. they were practically the only people there. i'm really really really upset that i didn't get to go. it's ruining my week. that and the fact that dad has apparently been reading my blog. i have no idea for how long or anything. how fucking creepy is that? hence the deletion. i don't know what i'm going to do, but i've talked about it too much today to say anything more.
i mentioned before that the therapist had suggested i do compulsive stuff. today i was taking one of my signature long-ass showers, and i got really sad so i lay down for a really long time. then i found a penny on the side of the tub and spent about half an hour scraping from between the tiles in the shower. it was really weird. i didn't really think about it at first, and then i was like "what am i doing?" but i didn't stop. i couldn't exactly stop. it was very strange, and i'm afraid of myself. i got to talk to brock on the phone for a long time. also, sallis called because he was worried about me. it was the best thing that's happened to me in days. brandon also called, to brag that he gets to see bmad AND rx bandits this weekend. god damn.
i would say more but it's too painful right now and i'm depressed and i have lots of work to do and i can't stop listening to madigan. i think i'll die.

listening to: tattle tale - fly away
"i wish i could cry, but the tears don't come out of my eyes. will you hold my hand? will you hold my hand? and don't let go..."

what a rollercoaster pathetic excuse for a day i've had. i was up till almost 4am doing projects and various homework. the first part of the day (homeroom, chemistry) was awful, because i was dreading the presentation of my benjamin franklin english project. for some reason i had had my heart SET on not presenting today (i don't know what difference it's supposed to make) but allison told me before school that my name was on the list to present today, and i flipped. so i went into english consumed with dread, only to be told by allison first thing that my name was moved to tomorrow. hooray! i hugged allison. i never hug allison, i only hit her. so that was strange. but i rejoiced all through everyone else's projects. sean dressed up as squanto aka THE VILLAGE PEOPLE and had a hot-pink poster board. the kid is in denial. oh well. i am glad to have time to fix up my visual and some of my notes tonight. (like that's going to happen.) then i had study hall, and i did most of my math homework from last night, and read the chapter for history and highlighted and underlined and practised good-studenting. then i went to latin which was a joke as usual. we had a quiz that was supposed to be an easy grade -- open notes and everything. too bad i had no idea what half the answers were. ah well. then lunch was very nice today. allison, katie, and elizabeth had our lunch because of testing. yayyy. brock fed me cheese and crackers. hoorah, ho. then i ventured to history. being myself, i NEVER ask about "what do we do in such and such a class today?" i don't know, maybe i should start. history was horrifying. we were supposed to have a test on the chapter, but instead we had a group discussion thing. it was AWFUL. i didn't have anything to say, so i didn't. and even if i had i wouldn't have said anything. but in the middle of it, mrs. ervin called on me. she didn't even ask me a question, she just said "alanna." like a command, like i have a brain. that bitch. so i stuttered out something really pathetic and stared at my paper for the rest of the period. afterwards, ms. ervin had to have a talk with me and everything, and tell me how much i suck and i'm going to die. it was awful. i wrote a poem, but it sucks. anyway, after that i had algebra which was pretty shitty too. we have a test tomorrow which i'm going to fucking fail. oh well. after school i was still really upset... everyone was nice to me about it though. i got a long hug from margaret, which was special because she understands how evil ms. ervin is and the act of nearly crying in front of that heartless bitch. god damn. and she also has fear of public speaking, but she doesn't lose her brain the way that i do, when she is called on. robin did the robin thing, and asked details, and talked about how pointless discussions are, and made me feel a little better. fucking ronald wash nearly murdered me with his always being around and killing my soul. fuck that kid. watch your back, ronald. but laylee and becca noticed that i was upset after school when they were pixies-ing and i wasn't responding right. they were very them and hugged me lots and were sweet. brock was brock and made me relate the event and ugh. he doesnt think he's good with comforting but he is. it was nice. after that, everyone else had run off so brock and i sat on the bricks for a while and talked. it was nice. i like his clam, no matter what he says. a while after i'd been at home, he called and we talked on the phone for a long while. it was really nice, because i haven't been able to breathe like that on a weekday for a while. it was great, as talking to him always is. it's so good to just brock ramble. and he keeps me mildly on topic. it's funny. right now i'm trying to eat pizza but my teeth hurt like a motherfucker.
i am really excited about Day tomorrow! at the start of the year, becca, brock, and i decided we should have one day a week where we hang out after school, as a breather. we did it once, and have had conflicts ever since. so i'm REALLY excited that it's going to happen this week. plus friday is a half-day, which i even better. what a great way to end Week Of Hell. i can't wait until 2:15 tomorrow.

listening to: the mountain goats - see america right

my god i just saw the saddest/sweetest/beautifullest music video of all time. it was by sigur ros but i dont know the title.. it had a v in it. GOOD LORD I LOVED IT. if anyone knows what it was please attack me... ;_; i could cry