respond !
be wild
be stupid
if you're thinking too much you're not able to be creative
don't use fear to avoid the river
work EVERY DAY no matter what
notebooks. pens. pockets.
get the fuck off the internet
Showing posts with label procrastination. Show all posts
Showing posts with label procrastination. Show all posts
Saturday, June 23, 2018
Saturday, March 03, 2018
keyculator speak
today is friday march 2, i guess it's just after midnight so. i'm drinking beer and i just had my first cigarette after 2+ weeks without. i'm trying to understand teh impulse. i know part of it is teh moment itself but what's teh feeling that leads to it and the feeling that hapens afterwards? tonight i thought i would write some messages to friends inviting them to teh movie at SXSW and maybe even post on some groups about the screenings. or do some research. or even just read my book. but there was a shift, a switch flipped. and none of that productive stuff is what i want anymore. i have been filling this void for years this way - beer, smokes, drown it. i use the time too to connect, talk with friends, hang out. if i'm alone i can SING or listen to music in a devoted way that i don't normally allow myself to. or this- I WRITE. is that what i really need to be allowing myself? the smoking and drinking is the excuse for the thing i want. the honest, the open, the art, the silliness.
Sunday, January 21, 2018
do you remember the children's book "frederick" by leo lionni?
the good feeling i've been riding took a dip last night and i'm worried it'll run away and i still won't have pinned it down at all. it's so hard to even believe it enough to say it, or if i manage to find the words, they'll become only that, and the feeling will fade. but now that it's a question it's better to just do it... right?
i can already feel myself overthinking this. that is the last thing i want to do. what do i have? i have these fast fast fingers and i can type my brain better than i think! i can write the words my mind makes up! i can sound like a real me in text! (i know because laylee told me that 15 years ago and rex told me so today and so i have to BELIEVE or what if i lose it or what if there's something important i could be doing that i miss because i haven't done anything about it. you know.)
it's so hard to believe. it's so hard to let myself remember what i'm good at.
BUT after xmas after snata craws and rodent carols and another round of GREAT GROUP i was near convinced, i clowned for myself in the mirror and i was able to get there which surprised me - but why should it? donna said not to look at ourselves to practice our turns and i totally understand that advice. but so often when i look at the mirror and i see this strange face and i think this can't possibly be me or be real or be anything at all, and i just shut down. for so long i have turned away i have pushed my nails into my palms to unsee i have gritted my teeth and pushed breath through to see to be anything else. now i find that in the times in the late night in the mirror i can explore and see what this body can do. i can see how to find the biggest expressions of the face, i can elasticize.
FORGET FORGET FORGET
i forget. i forget who the body belongs to. i froget we frog together. the mirror thing, with the perfect dissociative cocktail, surprises and delights. the mirror thing becomes elastic, electric, fantastic.
the thing that hurt to look at, the thing i could never understand how to belong to, i find this thing, when stared down, goes wild. it can't behave and doesn't want to try. it wasted a lot of toilet paper.
this is only partially a new discovery. the feeling is in the body, some of it is already memorized. it's burning embers in there all the time, even though i forget.
i guess i'm rambling now. the important part is -- i have gotten so tired of beating myself up for being bad at stuff. of course that sounds very reasonable written down in such a way. but the things i'm bad at are things that many people find necessary to function - eating, sleeping, organizing belongings, remembering information, simple math, wearing clothes, forming words, etc. i don't really want to care about being bad at all that mess. it happens or it doesn't. i can't remember the names of important people or pretty much anything i learned in school. i can't remember why i hate mother teresa until i look it up on wikipedia (and promptly forget the facts again, but i remember the feeling).
i remember the feeling i remember the feeling i remember the feeling
i am toying with the idea of applying to physical theatre school. i am considering how to make my body into a rubber band or flower. i want to be able to squeeze everything out of the present moment and explode it out of myself. i want to roll around and jump and shriek and freak and confuse the fuck out of people. i want to present another way to be.
if not me, then who? if not a someone with hardly any logical memory but great arches, then what am i even around for? surely someone out there is gonna do it. surely they could stand some company.
this was all made abundantly clear, several times in fact, right around the winter solstice. as it turns out, that was right when i was completing my first saturn return - and perfect timing to say fuck you everybody, i don't care what you think, i can see so clearly what is important. (reminder of what is important: friends, love, art, magic. this is an incomplete list but you get the idea.)
morgan got back in town for the holiday and wanted to go out to the bar with friends. she picked the so-called irish pub, not knowing that a bunch of us had gone there for trivia the night before (don't worry, we lost) so many of our group didn't come along this time. and it ends up me & brett (& later kat) in the weirdos corner with morgan's most type A segment of friends all crowded into the booth on the other side and all i can say is "YEP here i am again indeed, oh and what now? i'm doing an in depth study of mental health, now that i'm back from the loony bin" and there's nothing like a night like this to remind me how much i don't want that life, with the husbands and the babies and the business casual luncheons. UGH writing that is so obvious i could just spit on myself but no no that is most of the world and i think i can be allowed to write it down occasionally. the important part here is that i maybe felt a little embarrassed at first and especially trying to explain wtf i'm doing with myself, yes back in memphis, yes living with my folks, yes again, but more than ever, i feel like answering this questions is more a nuisance than anything else. i don't really care if they judge me for the answers. i don't really give a fuck what they think, truly. are they judging me for being practically unemployed and living with my parents at 30 and oh ordering another drink this late? yes they definitely are. and am i judging them for being salaried breeders who always vote democrat? yes i definitely am. so we're even.
i'm tired of the waffling shuffling pretending i can play for both sides. when i lived in baltimore i felt like 2 people in 1 body-- a demure, polite, if slightly eccentric, part-time librarian with sensible shoes and nothing but patience, and a barefoot feral drunk at the local anarchist commune / urban farm (except not even totally that because i still had to make sure the bills got paid and be The Sensible One which is not me at all and was boring as fuck).
i'm tired of fucking around with that world pretending i can play along. i just can't hack it.
i know i know i don't have it. i'm far from it. it's been six months now since i got out of the loony bin and came home. it doesn't feel like that long but i know my folks are getting antsy for me to figure my shit out and get a move on. meanwhile i don't want to rush making a decision because that is what keeps getting me into messes, it seems like. but i think i'm getting somewhere this time. maybe.
when i was a kid we lived in a small bungalow house in the artsy neighborhood of town, before it got gentrified. the dining room in the center of the house had 8 walls, branching off to the front hallway, our bedrooms, the kitchen, the bathroom, the back yard. "the octagonal room" was the true center & the heart of the house. at that table, my mama accidentally served us inedible cake decorations at the table. at that table, we grew crystals for SIX WHOLE WEEKS on plastic toys & charcoal for a science fair project. and under that table, most importantly, we made our own world. no fort could compare to the one on the persian carpet, table cloth on all sides, and pillows snatched out of beds. what did we do under there? i'm not quite sure but it was all magical, always, because it happened there, in the secret sacred space.
that's the space i want to create for people. if i am not here to take people under the table, i'm not sure what i am doing at all.
***there are other worlds there are other worlds there are other worlds* and they are all around us**
now i've got 3 glasses of wine in me and i still haven't packed so. i'm annoyed bc i dont think i even said what i was trying to say. or it all come out wrong. fuck all. the point is, i am frederick. (or i wish i were.)
i can already feel myself overthinking this. that is the last thing i want to do. what do i have? i have these fast fast fingers and i can type my brain better than i think! i can write the words my mind makes up! i can sound like a real me in text! (i know because laylee told me that 15 years ago and rex told me so today and so i have to BELIEVE or what if i lose it or what if there's something important i could be doing that i miss because i haven't done anything about it. you know.)
it's so hard to believe. it's so hard to let myself remember what i'm good at.
BUT after xmas after snata craws and rodent carols and another round of GREAT GROUP i was near convinced, i clowned for myself in the mirror and i was able to get there which surprised me - but why should it? donna said not to look at ourselves to practice our turns and i totally understand that advice. but so often when i look at the mirror and i see this strange face and i think this can't possibly be me or be real or be anything at all, and i just shut down. for so long i have turned away i have pushed my nails into my palms to unsee i have gritted my teeth and pushed breath through to see to be anything else. now i find that in the times in the late night in the mirror i can explore and see what this body can do. i can see how to find the biggest expressions of the face, i can elasticize.
FORGET FORGET FORGET
i forget. i forget who the body belongs to. i froget we frog together. the mirror thing, with the perfect dissociative cocktail, surprises and delights. the mirror thing becomes elastic, electric, fantastic.
the thing that hurt to look at, the thing i could never understand how to belong to, i find this thing, when stared down, goes wild. it can't behave and doesn't want to try. it wasted a lot of toilet paper.
this is only partially a new discovery. the feeling is in the body, some of it is already memorized. it's burning embers in there all the time, even though i forget.
i guess i'm rambling now. the important part is -- i have gotten so tired of beating myself up for being bad at stuff. of course that sounds very reasonable written down in such a way. but the things i'm bad at are things that many people find necessary to function - eating, sleeping, organizing belongings, remembering information, simple math, wearing clothes, forming words, etc. i don't really want to care about being bad at all that mess. it happens or it doesn't. i can't remember the names of important people or pretty much anything i learned in school. i can't remember why i hate mother teresa until i look it up on wikipedia (and promptly forget the facts again, but i remember the feeling).
i remember the feeling i remember the feeling i remember the feeling
i am toying with the idea of applying to physical theatre school. i am considering how to make my body into a rubber band or flower. i want to be able to squeeze everything out of the present moment and explode it out of myself. i want to roll around and jump and shriek and freak and confuse the fuck out of people. i want to present another way to be.
if not me, then who? if not a someone with hardly any logical memory but great arches, then what am i even around for? surely someone out there is gonna do it. surely they could stand some company.
this was all made abundantly clear, several times in fact, right around the winter solstice. as it turns out, that was right when i was completing my first saturn return - and perfect timing to say fuck you everybody, i don't care what you think, i can see so clearly what is important. (reminder of what is important: friends, love, art, magic. this is an incomplete list but you get the idea.)
morgan got back in town for the holiday and wanted to go out to the bar with friends. she picked the so-called irish pub, not knowing that a bunch of us had gone there for trivia the night before (don't worry, we lost) so many of our group didn't come along this time. and it ends up me & brett (& later kat) in the weirdos corner with morgan's most type A segment of friends all crowded into the booth on the other side and all i can say is "YEP here i am again indeed, oh and what now? i'm doing an in depth study of mental health, now that i'm back from the loony bin" and there's nothing like a night like this to remind me how much i don't want that life, with the husbands and the babies and the business casual luncheons. UGH writing that is so obvious i could just spit on myself but no no that is most of the world and i think i can be allowed to write it down occasionally. the important part here is that i maybe felt a little embarrassed at first and especially trying to explain wtf i'm doing with myself, yes back in memphis, yes living with my folks, yes again, but more than ever, i feel like answering this questions is more a nuisance than anything else. i don't really care if they judge me for the answers. i don't really give a fuck what they think, truly. are they judging me for being practically unemployed and living with my parents at 30 and oh ordering another drink this late? yes they definitely are. and am i judging them for being salaried breeders who always vote democrat? yes i definitely am. so we're even.
i'm tired of the waffling shuffling pretending i can play for both sides. when i lived in baltimore i felt like 2 people in 1 body-- a demure, polite, if slightly eccentric, part-time librarian with sensible shoes and nothing but patience, and a barefoot feral drunk at the local anarchist commune / urban farm (except not even totally that because i still had to make sure the bills got paid and be The Sensible One which is not me at all and was boring as fuck).
i'm tired of fucking around with that world pretending i can play along. i just can't hack it.
i know i know i don't have it. i'm far from it. it's been six months now since i got out of the loony bin and came home. it doesn't feel like that long but i know my folks are getting antsy for me to figure my shit out and get a move on. meanwhile i don't want to rush making a decision because that is what keeps getting me into messes, it seems like. but i think i'm getting somewhere this time. maybe.
when i was a kid we lived in a small bungalow house in the artsy neighborhood of town, before it got gentrified. the dining room in the center of the house had 8 walls, branching off to the front hallway, our bedrooms, the kitchen, the bathroom, the back yard. "the octagonal room" was the true center & the heart of the house. at that table, my mama accidentally served us inedible cake decorations at the table. at that table, we grew crystals for SIX WHOLE WEEKS on plastic toys & charcoal for a science fair project. and under that table, most importantly, we made our own world. no fort could compare to the one on the persian carpet, table cloth on all sides, and pillows snatched out of beds. what did we do under there? i'm not quite sure but it was all magical, always, because it happened there, in the secret sacred space.
that's the space i want to create for people. if i am not here to take people under the table, i'm not sure what i am doing at all.
***there are other worlds there are other worlds there are other worlds* and they are all around us**
now i've got 3 glasses of wine in me and i still haven't packed so. i'm annoyed bc i dont think i even said what i was trying to say. or it all come out wrong. fuck all. the point is, i am frederick. (or i wish i were.)
Thursday, January 11, 2018
a cigarette is a standin for a moment where i do what i want. as long as i keep sitting outside smoking the world is mine. this is how i've turned the smoke into self care.
and i love to see the smoke.
and i love to love the drink that comes with.
once the moment is mine it's hard to give it up. keep the time, bring out another somesuch to consume.
you look out you i'll write you out the room
once i get to this point it's so hard to stop. by hard i mean - it's why bother why stop now? we might be getting somewhere! like i am still believing there's a place my brain will travel on alcohol and nicotine that's new or at least insightful. maybe sometimes it is. but i've been forgetting, for years forgetting, that i can go there without all that. and i'm letting myself im remembering and it's okay. tonight is an exception and i can't let this become normal again. let this remain the weird stuff. (there's weirder stuff to be had and i need to be "sober" to see it.)
and just one more okay just one more becomes a sneak attack becomes why am i still here becomes a trick against myself
and i love to see the smoke.
and i love to love the drink that comes with.
once the moment is mine it's hard to give it up. keep the time, bring out another somesuch to consume.
you look out you i'll write you out the room
once i get to this point it's so hard to stop. by hard i mean - it's why bother why stop now? we might be getting somewhere! like i am still believing there's a place my brain will travel on alcohol and nicotine that's new or at least insightful. maybe sometimes it is. but i've been forgetting, for years forgetting, that i can go there without all that. and i'm letting myself im remembering and it's okay. tonight is an exception and i can't let this become normal again. let this remain the weird stuff. (there's weirder stuff to be had and i need to be "sober" to see it.)
and just one more okay just one more becomes a sneak attack becomes why am i still here becomes a trick against myself
Saturday, November 11, 2017
what a mess what a mess what a mess. skipped out on being social again. didn't go to yoga. bligh. just feeling awful. on purpose?? can't be good to stay in and watch sexist tv. starting to feel so stuck so stuck. but also some wild thing in my brain is screaming "it's just that you're a visionary!" that's gotta be it. why i can't seem to find words for any of my thought processes or explain what is wrong with everything to my dad. i come off as "disdainful" mama says. i'm paralyzed by judgment - of myself so i can't do anything and of everything else so it's overwhelming and defeating. how do i kill it ???
i want to make myself a schedule and stick to it, as dorky as that sounds. i really think the ADD hyper focus thing is real.
why is there a car idling in the middle of the road right across from me here on my porch? you are not my uber. you aren't for anyone. sounds like a door slamming and it drives away slow. am i paranoid or ???? maybe less so after the incident with kat a month ago, where in my driveway the man banged on her window and demanded a ride or else he was gonna get shot. my paranoia made me say no. we drove around for half an hour and then she sat and wouldn't leave me until 4am just in case.
my left breast has been hurting bad all day. it's been tender all week. is it just a weird period or something else? googling this shit doesn't help.
i'm pretending again that i'm cutting down with smokes but i'm kidding myself. i have a few good days then some event excuses me.
roll herbal smokes goddammit
work on the papers
lord so many other things on this list i can't remember. where the fuck do the days go ??????
last night i stayed up too late angry and drinking and finally wrote that call out about gratz on halloween. today i had to wake up at 9am bc apparently i'm slow as business at doing anything so midday dog visits on five hours of sleep. i felt hungover and grouchy but i still sang to them. i got home at 1245 intending to nap but i read chris mccoy's write up in the flyer and my energy was restored. spent the rest of the day trying to figure out the wordpress mess i made of the concrete website and whether it's fixable before finally dad stopped it with pizza and netflix. what a grouch i am. but it's still true that steven universe is the only show on tv worth anything. except adventure time. okay.
mama was ridiculous today, probably not on purpose. cracking me up all over the place. my number one clown mentor for sure.
gotta read that clown book
guided mediation and that other body stuff
make a fuxking schedule that includes reading time
i can't stand this nothing nonsense
i want to make myself a schedule and stick to it, as dorky as that sounds. i really think the ADD hyper focus thing is real.
why is there a car idling in the middle of the road right across from me here on my porch? you are not my uber. you aren't for anyone. sounds like a door slamming and it drives away slow. am i paranoid or ???? maybe less so after the incident with kat a month ago, where in my driveway the man banged on her window and demanded a ride or else he was gonna get shot. my paranoia made me say no. we drove around for half an hour and then she sat and wouldn't leave me until 4am just in case.
my left breast has been hurting bad all day. it's been tender all week. is it just a weird period or something else? googling this shit doesn't help.
i'm pretending again that i'm cutting down with smokes but i'm kidding myself. i have a few good days then some event excuses me.
roll herbal smokes goddammit
work on the papers
lord so many other things on this list i can't remember. where the fuck do the days go ??????
last night i stayed up too late angry and drinking and finally wrote that call out about gratz on halloween. today i had to wake up at 9am bc apparently i'm slow as business at doing anything so midday dog visits on five hours of sleep. i felt hungover and grouchy but i still sang to them. i got home at 1245 intending to nap but i read chris mccoy's write up in the flyer and my energy was restored. spent the rest of the day trying to figure out the wordpress mess i made of the concrete website and whether it's fixable before finally dad stopped it with pizza and netflix. what a grouch i am. but it's still true that steven universe is the only show on tv worth anything. except adventure time. okay.
mama was ridiculous today, probably not on purpose. cracking me up all over the place. my number one clown mentor for sure.
gotta read that clown book
guided mediation and that other body stuff
make a fuxking schedule that includes reading time
i can't stand this nothing nonsense
Thursday, October 04, 2012
how i see myself: fetal, constant screams and tears, gouged, heart hanging out, hanging on by a blood thread, all exposed, undone, over.
the reality: the bright monitor blurring through misted eyes, hoodie pulled up all the way, burning through queries, mark as unread mark it undone
how does the heart break? how does it all still seem the same?
this is how the heart breaks: silent and still.
try to keep pumping, working, breathing.
try to pretend there is still a living thing in here.
pretend there is a purpose.
try to pretend you will make it.
pretend to try to get better.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
things look better in the morning light
i really hate that i can't sleep right now. i just took a benadryl to help me out... why can't i ever sleep when i really need to?
last night after our jib shoot i picked up py from the train station a bit after 10. we hung out with john tom and co. on his last night in town until about 3, then stayed up talking and drinking in my yard until 9am or something stupid like that. we slept until 3:20 which is insane because i missed like 3092572 phone calls-- i NEVER sleep through phone calls so i guess i was really passed out. seeing py was amazingmazingmazing, and i really hope he'll be back in a month like he says. his gf is going to school in nashville now, so maybe i'll get to see him regularly for a while. what a great energy he brings to life... miss that boy.
i got some disappointing news from my dad today... looks like the public services division of the city of memphis government is being forced to make a fuck ton of budget cuts because of something that i don't understand that has to do with the memphis city schools and i don't even know. so basically a bunch of part-timers at the library are probably gonna lose their jobs, meaning that i am probably not gonna get hired by frayser and i have to start looking for something else. i can't even say how disappointed i am... goodbye, beautiful dream job. hello, ugly world.
i have been really bad about accomplishing goals this summer. i pretty much gotta get real. mostly i need to work on my time management skillz and actually doing what i say i'm gonna do. part of me wants to make a list of things on here to make this official, but i don't think i have the energy right now. for starters, let's just say i need an awesome veg nutrition/cookbook and a grocery list.
oh yeah you heard about the WIKI right?????
listening to: larkin grimm - little weeper
last night after our jib shoot i picked up py from the train station a bit after 10. we hung out with john tom and co. on his last night in town until about 3, then stayed up talking and drinking in my yard until 9am or something stupid like that. we slept until 3:20 which is insane because i missed like 3092572 phone calls-- i NEVER sleep through phone calls so i guess i was really passed out. seeing py was amazingmazingmazing, and i really hope he'll be back in a month like he says. his gf is going to school in nashville now, so maybe i'll get to see him regularly for a while. what a great energy he brings to life... miss that boy.
i got some disappointing news from my dad today... looks like the public services division of the city of memphis government is being forced to make a fuck ton of budget cuts because of something that i don't understand that has to do with the memphis city schools and i don't even know. so basically a bunch of part-timers at the library are probably gonna lose their jobs, meaning that i am probably not gonna get hired by frayser and i have to start looking for something else. i can't even say how disappointed i am... goodbye, beautiful dream job. hello, ugly world.
i have been really bad about accomplishing goals this summer. i pretty much gotta get real. mostly i need to work on my time management skillz and actually doing what i say i'm gonna do. part of me wants to make a list of things on here to make this official, but i don't think i have the energy right now. for starters, let's just say i need an awesome veg nutrition/cookbook and a grocery list.
oh yeah you heard about the WIKI right?????
listening to: larkin grimm - little weeper
Friday, March 12, 2010
film & fox dream
after not getting in bed till 5am, getting woken up by vacuums and shit at 8 or something and not gonig back to sleep till 9:30 or 10..... a brief dream.
becca johnson video? she’s watching it, or she’s listening to something... or is she playing? i thought i spoke to her. “wasn’t this the first time you played this song? you always opened up with a new one.” trying to be friendly, but she’s cold.
talking to sean in a little room, worrying about my exam
we watch a weird movie-- great quality but really gross subject matter-- like a college video made by hollywood
at one point we’re untangling cords... i hope he doesnt think i’m incompenet as a fellow filmmaker
at one point i look out the window and see tom! i wave, and we exchange some words about getting together later. i feel like he is carrying a bunch of gear-- fishing? photography? backwoodsmandry? see you later.
i’m overexcited, i talk over sean a couple of times -- apologize
i’m freaking out about my exam, how is it not 2:30? i look out the window and see that the river has flooded over, it is a huge and unstoppable creature rushing away first giant logs and then hoards of cars, an ambulance. i try to explain to sean what i am seeing. we go outside, and the sky is dark. i check the time but it’s only 1:40.
location: the house feels like the only structure on a vast, green piece of earth. i reconcile that it’s my grandparents’ house. suddenly there’s all these dogs running by. my family appears to tell me that there’s a fox. clearly the dogs are after it. i see them from a high angle, a huge crowd running after one orange blob. they’re driving it into the river. one dog actually drowns the creature, and i feel a pang of remorse. my family says they hope the cats were hiding, and i’m not sorry anymore.
what happens next? i feel like tom is involved, but i dont think i actually see him. maybe i just blamed him in the deam because i knew he was downstream, and i can imagine him meddling. i’m walking outside to look for the cats when the fox jumps over a fence and lands right in front of me. i freeze, but he’s already seen me moving. he pins me to a tree or silo or something, standing on his hind legs. he is clearly an oversized dream fox, more like a massive dog than anything else. his face is covered with what looks like green spray paint and his eyes are milky white, practically unseeing. i assume that the green paint happened earlier during the chase somehow. i stay perfectly still under his paws, and he eventually walks away. i feel like i may have been a little roughed up from this, but it’s not important. i need to find my cats. but every time i move, the fox suddenly appears again. at one point i try calling out. there is a horrible agony the final time, when he gets a whiff of my pussy and sniffs for a loooong time, trying to find me out. finally, a couple of dogs rush by me, and the chase is on again. before i know it, i can’t even place the fox among the herd of canids. i think i start off to look for my cats again, and maybe morgan appears, but i’m startled into wakefulness and have to write my fucking literary analysis, but i’m freaked out so i wrote this instead. the end.
becca johnson video? she’s watching it, or she’s listening to something... or is she playing? i thought i spoke to her. “wasn’t this the first time you played this song? you always opened up with a new one.” trying to be friendly, but she’s cold.
talking to sean in a little room, worrying about my exam
we watch a weird movie-- great quality but really gross subject matter-- like a college video made by hollywood
at one point we’re untangling cords... i hope he doesnt think i’m incompenet as a fellow filmmaker
at one point i look out the window and see tom! i wave, and we exchange some words about getting together later. i feel like he is carrying a bunch of gear-- fishing? photography? backwoodsmandry? see you later.
i’m overexcited, i talk over sean a couple of times -- apologize
i’m freaking out about my exam, how is it not 2:30? i look out the window and see that the river has flooded over, it is a huge and unstoppable creature rushing away first giant logs and then hoards of cars, an ambulance. i try to explain to sean what i am seeing. we go outside, and the sky is dark. i check the time but it’s only 1:40.
location: the house feels like the only structure on a vast, green piece of earth. i reconcile that it’s my grandparents’ house. suddenly there’s all these dogs running by. my family appears to tell me that there’s a fox. clearly the dogs are after it. i see them from a high angle, a huge crowd running after one orange blob. they’re driving it into the river. one dog actually drowns the creature, and i feel a pang of remorse. my family says they hope the cats were hiding, and i’m not sorry anymore.
what happens next? i feel like tom is involved, but i dont think i actually see him. maybe i just blamed him in the deam because i knew he was downstream, and i can imagine him meddling. i’m walking outside to look for the cats when the fox jumps over a fence and lands right in front of me. i freeze, but he’s already seen me moving. he pins me to a tree or silo or something, standing on his hind legs. he is clearly an oversized dream fox, more like a massive dog than anything else. his face is covered with what looks like green spray paint and his eyes are milky white, practically unseeing. i assume that the green paint happened earlier during the chase somehow. i stay perfectly still under his paws, and he eventually walks away. i feel like i may have been a little roughed up from this, but it’s not important. i need to find my cats. but every time i move, the fox suddenly appears again. at one point i try calling out. there is a horrible agony the final time, when he gets a whiff of my pussy and sniffs for a loooong time, trying to find me out. finally, a couple of dogs rush by me, and the chase is on again. before i know it, i can’t even place the fox among the herd of canids. i think i start off to look for my cats again, and maybe morgan appears, but i’m startled into wakefulness and have to write my fucking literary analysis, but i’m freaked out so i wrote this instead. the end.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
manifesto against paralyzed panic
calm down about this massive pile of work sitting in front of you. realize that most of it is not so important. it doesn't matter if you don't get all the details right. don't waste time on word choice and just say it. you have one week left of school; you should be happy. this energy would be better spent elsewhere. just get it done and go to sleep.
Monday, January 24, 2005
i heard you drove a silvery sports car
today was pretty good for a monday. but any day that i get two tests pushed back and only go to three and a half classes is awesome. we had a speaker, edward mitchell, who was one of the first men to walk on the moon. and now he does this stuff called noetic sciences about humanity's collective consciousness, basically. it was pretty interesting, and i liked him. he said some good things. it was too bad that so many people slept through it, but i guess it can't be helped. i had a headache for a large portion of the idea, but i MADE chai when i came home (katherine and i bought some tazo mix from starbucks on saturday) and i am now headache-free. ah the joys of living. right now i should be writing my research paper, like always, but of course i am not. oh well. i'm hoping that last year will repeat itself, and when i sit down to do this shit, it'll sort of flow and i'll end up really enjoying myself. i do like papers. and i finally fixed my thesis to something that i like, so it should all just sort itself out now. hope hope hope.
listening to: bandits - catch me
listening to: bandits - catch me
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
he move me and the chains changed
today is nothing but ice and misery. i'm trying to make myself work on applications, but i'm a whiny baby and i need someone to hold my hand and tell me what to say. i've been avoidantly making charts to look like i've accomplished something and tittering through things i've already finished. when i stop caring altogether, i snack on wheat thins stacked with monterey jack cheese, sip some DP, and listen to kristin hersh. i've become enthralled (again) with her early Muses work. i live in cycles. we used to be funny. one day we'll find it again.
listening to: throwing muses - cry baby cry
listening to: throwing muses - cry baby cry
Thursday, October 28, 2004
bounce boo
aghhhh!!!! i want to sleep. i have lots of homework. but i am drinking apple cider. i desperately want more cookies, but i've eaten far too many today. good god. good night.
Sunday, October 05, 2003
yesterday i actually made something of a decent attempt to clean my room. it was insane. you can see the floor. and there's sheets on the bed, too. well, i know I'M impressed.
katie came over just after 4:30, right after i got out of the shower. it was pretty nice timing. i was all wet when we hugged, though hahaha. we sat around for a while and i didn't really know what to say at first. we looked at movie showings, and eventually made plans to see a 7:30 showing of "school of rock" with brock and his brother wesley. unfortunately, brock had gotten sick, so he couldn't come hang out otherwise like i had wanted. so mom dropped off me and katie at last chance, where i got the purple tape by the pixies, and she got interpol due to my recommendation. i'm really glad she liked it because otherwise i would've felt guilty. also, she gave me a tegan and sara album that she didn't like, but i haven't gotten around to listening to it yet. plus i don't know where i've put it. it's probably still on the floor under the newspapers. then we went and ate at pie in the sky. mmmm. i had a beautiful root beer and managed it all the way through the movie, and home again. bravo alanna. i also called katherine and invited her and leah to the movie, because i knew katherine had wanted to see it. i wasn't actually sure i was going to like it, but it was the only thing i wanted to see at paradiso, which is next to brock's house and therefore easier for him to get a ride to.
so katie and i got there first, because my dad must be early for everything. plus he had ordered our tickets online, so we didn't even have to stand in line. instead, we played around like tourists next to the fountain. damn the fact that there's a fountain and fake balconies in that movie theatre. then brock and wesley got there, and ordered food and whatnot. somehow in between there, brock lost his and wesley's tickets and he had to buy some more. i really don't know how that happened. he probably dropped them into his huge ACID beverage and they melted. go figure.
we were somewhat late by the time we got into the theatre. i guess me and katie should've gone ahead and saved seats, because the only place with six seats together was the third row. they got there eventually, and it was really fun getting to wave to them across the theatre and whatnot.
anyway i was very surprised that i liked the movie so much. i usually hate jack black, and it seemed like a dumb concept anyway. but i, yes, i am now every other critic of this movie, liked it, even though i shouldn't have. as everyone has said, it's a formulaic silly little flick that you're not supposed to like but you DO and it's AWESOME and FUN and i recommend it. one of the best parts is that they actually know what they're talking about. there was not one place on the soundtrack that induced me to cringing -- lots of ramones, the clash, and even JONATHAN FUCKING RICHMAN!! (oh you KNOW i danced in my seat. and brock sang with me. it was beautiful, you KNOW it.) not one artist's name was mentioned that made me go "what?! noooo that kid is shit!" in fact, i loved reading the stickers and whatnot all over the movie. finding little names like PATTI SMITH and LUNACHICKS just made me too happy for words. it really wasn't fair.
ANYWAY. after the movie we stood around and talked for a bit. i sang and air-guitared violent femmes all the way outside, and probably got some nasty looks. ah well. i enjoyed myself. mom and dad picked me up and katie, and we went home and listened to our new cds and watched music videos i have downloaded. i showed katie "get up" and "untouchable face" which i think she liked. it was uncanny how much of the real story she got out of elise's video. wow, i was impressed. i guess either we did a good editting job, or katie just had some kind of insight. i don't know, but it was pretty amazing. so we ended up just kind of chillin and talking until 4am or so. it was very very very nice. i love katie.
we woke up and had donuts. mmmmmm. we also watched this absolutely nuts-oid movie called "the hole" which was chinese, if i remember right. it was part of this series of movies that chinese filmmakers did about what the year 2000 was going to be like. in this one, there was this insane epidemic which turned people into human roaches. absolutely nuts. it was longer than it needed to be, i think. but every shot really took its time... like you'd sit there and watch the guy lie there in his underwear for like 3 minutes. it was an interesting movie, at any rate, and the last shot was really really beautiful. so i'm glad we saw it.
then we hung out some more. et cetera. katie went home. i did homework. got depressed. you know the drill. except for the last part of sunday, it was a pretty damn nice weekend.
katie came over just after 4:30, right after i got out of the shower. it was pretty nice timing. i was all wet when we hugged, though hahaha. we sat around for a while and i didn't really know what to say at first. we looked at movie showings, and eventually made plans to see a 7:30 showing of "school of rock" with brock and his brother wesley. unfortunately, brock had gotten sick, so he couldn't come hang out otherwise like i had wanted. so mom dropped off me and katie at last chance, where i got the purple tape by the pixies, and she got interpol due to my recommendation. i'm really glad she liked it because otherwise i would've felt guilty. also, she gave me a tegan and sara album that she didn't like, but i haven't gotten around to listening to it yet. plus i don't know where i've put it. it's probably still on the floor under the newspapers. then we went and ate at pie in the sky. mmmm. i had a beautiful root beer and managed it all the way through the movie, and home again. bravo alanna. i also called katherine and invited her and leah to the movie, because i knew katherine had wanted to see it. i wasn't actually sure i was going to like it, but it was the only thing i wanted to see at paradiso, which is next to brock's house and therefore easier for him to get a ride to.
so katie and i got there first, because my dad must be early for everything. plus he had ordered our tickets online, so we didn't even have to stand in line. instead, we played around like tourists next to the fountain. damn the fact that there's a fountain and fake balconies in that movie theatre. then brock and wesley got there, and ordered food and whatnot. somehow in between there, brock lost his and wesley's tickets and he had to buy some more. i really don't know how that happened. he probably dropped them into his huge ACID beverage and they melted. go figure.
we were somewhat late by the time we got into the theatre. i guess me and katie should've gone ahead and saved seats, because the only place with six seats together was the third row. they got there eventually, and it was really fun getting to wave to them across the theatre and whatnot.
anyway i was very surprised that i liked the movie so much. i usually hate jack black, and it seemed like a dumb concept anyway. but i, yes, i am now every other critic of this movie, liked it, even though i shouldn't have. as everyone has said, it's a formulaic silly little flick that you're not supposed to like but you DO and it's AWESOME and FUN and i recommend it. one of the best parts is that they actually know what they're talking about. there was not one place on the soundtrack that induced me to cringing -- lots of ramones, the clash, and even JONATHAN FUCKING RICHMAN!! (oh you KNOW i danced in my seat. and brock sang with me. it was beautiful, you KNOW it.) not one artist's name was mentioned that made me go "what?! noooo that kid is shit!" in fact, i loved reading the stickers and whatnot all over the movie. finding little names like PATTI SMITH and LUNACHICKS just made me too happy for words. it really wasn't fair.
ANYWAY. after the movie we stood around and talked for a bit. i sang and air-guitared violent femmes all the way outside, and probably got some nasty looks. ah well. i enjoyed myself. mom and dad picked me up and katie, and we went home and listened to our new cds and watched music videos i have downloaded. i showed katie "get up" and "untouchable face" which i think she liked. it was uncanny how much of the real story she got out of elise's video. wow, i was impressed. i guess either we did a good editting job, or katie just had some kind of insight. i don't know, but it was pretty amazing. so we ended up just kind of chillin and talking until 4am or so. it was very very very nice. i love katie.
we woke up and had donuts. mmmmmm. we also watched this absolutely nuts-oid movie called "the hole" which was chinese, if i remember right. it was part of this series of movies that chinese filmmakers did about what the year 2000 was going to be like. in this one, there was this insane epidemic which turned people into human roaches. absolutely nuts. it was longer than it needed to be, i think. but every shot really took its time... like you'd sit there and watch the guy lie there in his underwear for like 3 minutes. it was an interesting movie, at any rate, and the last shot was really really beautiful. so i'm glad we saw it.
then we hung out some more. et cetera. katie went home. i did homework. got depressed. you know the drill. except for the last part of sunday, it was a pretty damn nice weekend.
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