transcribed voice memos from my dog walks

6/7/2021, 1:51pm 

sidewalk squat to get a picture of a gutter egg

two doors down real live robin puddle sputtering full robin

and here’s these sticks

the sticks of men

there’s a dead bird

a dead bird in the yard of hte sticks of men , oh god

he had a lawn and it killed them all

the dogs dog dogs dogs with some paws ouch oh jesus

i’m not ever gonna get used to this - what if i - okay

i don’t know if they can still here me

these dogs these dogs noses and paws

tj’s tryin to wiggle away fey

they never liekd it how i rhymed

spring soon

Doing this mileage taxes thing has been weirdly introspective -- tracking my past, where do my days go, where am I going. Definitely got me thinking about how little I've been doing lately and feeling bad about my "progress" or something, down on myself about what I'm "supposed to" be doing. This morning I'm moving slower than I'm "supposed to" according to my list, but my brain is doing stuff that's maybe good. Rolled around in bed with Jerel for a while, but not "too long," took a shower + my brain wasn't stuck on the list for once. Spent 15 or 20 minutes brushing my hair + listening to a podcast by the Gods + Radicals folks that's mirroring some thoughts I've been having about the white pagan and new age communities and how they're such bullshit! And I'm over it! Is it avoidable? UGH. So I rinse my hair, I burn some palo santo, then wonder how sustainable it is, and is it like sage that we've decided we need it for every damn ritual and cleansing despite it not being native to most regions (not to mention it doesn't belong to us) and I'm remembering the bunches of pine needles I collected from the ground to make into a smudge stick, remembering whole bunches green + fresh that the trees shed, seemingly so early, but they knew winter was coming + they had to conserve their energy, and suddenly I realize that I've been slow, partly for the season, and it always goes sort of this way, and it's good to recharge + spend time with my honey, relax + retreat + conserve + observe. Spring is right around the corner, and the world will open up again.

(4pm getting fuzzy -- I think I forgot to take Adderall again...)

moments of clarity

brighter, harder, bigger MAGIC

feeling it today, feeling good. remembering that i don't need to swing wildly from the extremes of "i'm the worst" to "i'm so special and good" and actually there's this nice safe place in the middle. i'm not better than other people. i think everyone has the capacity to tap into magic, to pull down the moon, breathe fire. maybe i have some different channels open than other people do, but that doesn't make me better or special. i don't need to be huge, or be a star, or change the whole damn world, if i can change who's in the room, speak truths, bring in the small magic.

follow the fool
follow the impulse
the body knows something the mind doesn't

DANCE FREAK DANCE!!!!!!! DANCE FOOL DANCE!!!!!!!!
that would be an awesome queer dance party, lets make that happen. where??

i hear the right songs and i CAN'T NOT MOVE. i know what they are. cultivate htem and put them together. let's have a fucking dance party already. i can take it to the woods. i can take it anywhere.
i can take the clown to the woods without the nose, the hat, the covered body. i can clown wherever i need to, with anything. haven't i always??? when did i get hung up on accoutrements?!!? yes i want to keep learning and growing, yes i've got to evolve it all. but when did i ever want to do only one thing? can't i be clowning and dancing and following no rules? except the main one - give up give up give up. give up your thoughts and give your body over and let the gods move through you. stop thinking stop thinking stop wishing stop wanting. this is all there is, now.

yes okay fine the question of the audience, but right now they're not here. it's just me in my room. and sometimes i IMAGINE they're there, and that trips me up, traps me. i can't let them come in. it's dancing more than anything else because i fear the predatory eyes and the judgment and they think they own my body. i want to say, when i feel that gaze, my whole body will revolt, contort, i will become bug and beast. never for you never for you never for you.

take it through. if they want to come to your world, they can be an audience and we'll talk together. if they want to ride the wave and the rhythm of this mess, we can make it work together. they don't just get to come here and make demands.

keep the mind open keep the body moving
find new eyes find new power
yes yes yes yes feel that fire !!!!

can we always be dancing?? can we warm up wake up dancing every day? how can we try?
(we need a floor first, oh yeah)

stop thinking

listen i'm not even drinking
listen i'm stone cold sober
(unless you count adderall, 9 hours before)
i'd like to keep talking but i need to go take care of the dogs and then pack and then blah

maybe there is a lesson here about HOW I AM FUCKING OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING IN MY FUCKING LIFE and it shouldn't take this long or this much stress to pack. i'm going to the woods, but what do i really need?? a toothbrush and some clothes and a flashlight. why do i think i need more?

please alanna please stop being so sucked in by the computer. you think you need to know stuff that you don't need to know. most of what you are doing is actually hoarding. much of the time you are just following a line of tabs that never get read or watched and just pile up and pile up. REMEMBER WHEN you didn't miss that???? remember the communes in 2015 and remember the freedom of being phoneless in the loony bin???? you can't know everything and it stops mattering. the focus shifts. you've got to get to that. you've got to get to your body and intuition and the computer is neither of those things. you've got to stop. you're going to stop right now and you're going to stop writing and turn off the computer and go do the htings you have to do. you're going to cleanse your body and spirit in the woods, in the mud, in the river. when you come home, you're going to organize your fucking room and set up a fucking work space. you're going to make some fucking art. you're going to write. you're going to get one of those copyediting jobs and bring in some green beans. things are on the move and they're going to happen but we have to make them happen.

CAN WE DO A TWO WEEK COMPUTER CLEANSE OR SOME SHIT

okay here we go

then, again:
two dead doe.

all things die.
blood will flow.



the energy of the orgasm flows out into my hand to be reabsorbed. i'm sinking in but my guts are tying up in knots. the songs on shuffle distract and dismay, but still it comes.

i don't remember what this means anymore

another possum, stock still in the right middle of the darkly wound road. beautiful, i see glowing eyes. i thank my professor for braking.
girl on bus tells me she doesnt like them.

have i rediscovered a secret to sleeping? the old fetal position i used to do all the time, before i started spooning.

three green sprouts in my salsa jar.


it was only small because everything was samll.


image through a video. maube?
oobebesessiososonnn

i need meaing
]he said...
belifs???

obvervances of the last 20 minutes

--opossum appears out of the depths of sunderland darkness to scavenge for food, find and open a pizza box, and loudly crunch on crusts and crumbs. comes as close as 3 feet?
--a light in the bright full moon fog: lonely individual skips the smoking hut to stand at the foot of the hill. let them keep it, walk to the bridge.
--from under the bridge, a fluffy bundle atop a person creeping towards the vining treehouse. did something run you from the woods?
--a crisp, creaky crackling begins in the schafer trees and lurches towards dorland. it's almost overhead, the sound of tiny pebbles hitting leaves, but i can't feel anything.
--no memory of opening the door

landscape of wire

i become more and more fascinated with the ways nature must adapt to technology and the human invasion of the environment. as terrified as i am by powerlines and any sort of giant metal structures, i have to admit the eerie beauty i see in them. even electricity (one of comrade tom's sworn enemies) can be scarily pretty, and there's really no natural equivalent to it, that i've ever seen. but what's even more beautiful than a lamp glowing white in the middle of a park at night is a lamp straining to glow under the crush of twisting ivy vines and kudzu. as horrified as i often am by humankind's additions to the landscape, i'm always impressed by what she throws back. there's nothing like birds on a wire, all crowded along the same stretch of cable in a long long row. watching them all flock there, scooting along to make room for others, they almost seem to realize the surging power they're gripping in their tiny talons. i wonder, if they knew what it was doing to them and their true homes, what would they do? would a great sacrificial flock be brought in to bite through all the wires, despite certain death? or would they continue, in a one-minded mass, to carry on exactly as they have been? that story sounds familiar...
another many-bodied, one-minded mass passes by these same power lines every day. we know their strength, their capabilities, and their effect on our surroundings. we continue to ignore them, opting to focus on the benefits of this system, which ties in to every other system, except the natural one. i don't believe it should be necessary to destroy in order to create, but that seems to be just about all we can do at this point: continue on a path which is slowly killing the world around us, or destroy this system to create something new.
i think you know where i stand here.