Showing posts with label memphis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memphis. Show all posts

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

why do i feel like you can see me?

i am the death i am the death i am the hell how am i still talking how is this allowed how has no one severed this head this tongue
they want to it's true
WOOOowwwww so emo and still
you can never know what htey want
which one is it
which is the real one
which is the one wanted
who is invited
who gets in the door
who gets to throw down
who gets to lay down
there is a fuzz between them WHO?
pop pop crack
the spine says no
the story stops
how long can anyone sit still?
how long can the body pretend

what does it mean to have nothing looking back

what does it mean

they're looking at you and you know them but you've forgotten who you're being
i can't
remember
the last

oh
maybe
i remember
okay
talking heads bed dancing high while everyone else is downstairs
wait
that can't be the last time
i remember
boat hat beers in the dirty dirty poor and hungry bar
and even then
oh
god
i
oh
fuck
the
summer
of the census
20...10....??? could that be possible?
i rambled about cats
for years
ages
my conspiracy theory about an underground tunnel network where not one but TWO of my cats were devoured for 6+ weeks from my back door into oblivion and back
that happended.
and i sure did talk about.
years
later.
oh yeah and
i'm sure at the slider
and i'm sure at the lamp
and i'm sure i have been a fool at every occasion
is that wanted?
tell me how to be
i
i
i busted up
i bust it up
i dont' know the difference
i want the difference
i want the other space
i want to go THERE
let's go .... o?!
but yeah so i don't do it so good as i wish
and i
oh yeah
i remember that house on tucker
maybe he was dating xoe.?
how is anyone supposed to know.
oh wait
it's only me that doesnt
and i'm still fucking going
(the most pitiful thing)
((i just want someone to work with))
how can i know if i should keep going
how do i know if this is the REAL STUFF
crak crak pop
roolllllssss rols
gimme
okay
gimme okay
gimme okay one more
yeah okay one more
gimme yeah good one
yes never don't yes never stop
keep yes keep on keep forever
tell me
when did i get so into symmetry
tell me when i
get so into me
oh yeah so
kat and i were talking about being BABIES
and how those patterns are still played out
i dunno about you
but i was a fucking needy fucking baby oh geeeeeeeeeez
always skin burning always never happy always crying
but they called me a changeling
and gave me more love than they knew they had
now i'm in toruble
now my glasses call on the floor and i just
i just can't
i dont' know how to call them back
i don't know what's worth it
i dont' know how they made me worth it
i'm needing needing needing
i hate that i need it
i hate the symmetry but i crave it
i dont' know how to not want to help
i don't know how to not find the person who is a project
who is a baby
who is me
who is a changeling
who my favorite illustrator trina shart hyman said was a faery
wow!
but
yes
but
that isn't me
i see the thing and
oh
i am the thing ??
i
even without the mirror i
remember
or
forget
what's the difference even

here. i can say.
it expresses through my toes.
crunching and flexing.
just look
see?
it's a toe code
aka toad
hop along
don't forget
froget
even now they twist and curl and say WHAT NOW WHAT NEXT YOU SAID
oh yeah i did
i said
i know what i said
does that mean i have to?
oh well
yes
actually
yes
because the toes say so
the toes now are twitching
they do their symmetrical dance
(who even teaches them such nonsense?)
we just want to dance
we just want
freedom

OH GEEZ BLAH BLWAH WAHAHWHAHAHAWH
OHOOHHHHOOHHHHHH
WELL
OHHHHH
...
THEN.
fucking
fuckong
fiucking
fucking
fukcking
fucking
ficukihg
fucking
fkucking
fukcking
fucking
fkuckning
fkckng
ficig
ifcnkg
ficnkg
ficnkgi
gdinckg
fink
gifnckging
ifinckg
ifnckg
ifnckgi
fficnkg
fgifdnckkg
fifnckg
finfdkcv
gginfk
fcing
gkdnkcn
v
fg sdouae
oirhoag
eiyoh
oeghig]eiy

youngeoih
oeihgl
youne
oyoije
youen
hojenelyone
goieuone
goyebe
giyljgng
elkhg
g
lkghglkddkd
ghoeiyo
hoiyojnoyi
]y9uoin
io7oujng
eoiyoij
o7o
lyiounl
yiouon

youj
oyoun
youn
youn
 youn are
y7oun
oy
ouojn are y
oyoh a
re y
yo7u
yohoyoj
younre
younrea
younare
hyojare
hyourae
younrea
 the




youhnrae
younare
youten are
tyouoren
yournea the
tyoe
youn
]
aeelelkekeejkekekekeekekek
oyobre
lkekeke
lkenlkghae
kgiun
oiyoijlknlkyk
;iyoun,miyoiu

k

oiyoikkiy hoiiekejkeiekd,weiekflgjfuewjwskfkmnrkle
youn are the literal worst
you are the literal worst
you are the listera worst
you are the listeral wrost
you are the listeral
wrost
you are htel isteral ywuers
you are the listeral  worst
you are the literal wrost
you are the literal owrst
you are the literal oworst
you are the litereal owrst
hou areth thelaitera ost
you are the literal worst
you are the literal worst
you are the literal owrst
you are the literal worst
you are hte literalo worst
you are the literal worst
you are the literal worst
you are the literalo worst
you are the literal worst
you are the literalo worst
you are the literal worst
you are the literal owrst
you are the literal worst
you are the literal worst
you are the literalo wost



loweie
wo shw
eie
hwyea yea yea yeah yeah
wos wos
so
what nwo
yeah oakya so now
okay yeah so now
what now
YEAH OKAY SO
NOW WHAT NOW

oh yeah
you know what now
this is the part where i sneak out out out out sneak quiet creep creak the front door squeak into the out out out into the rain night rain into the car into the mold into the bold mold mobile where i can hear the rain rain rain and not this ... haha you guessed it
let's try again

Saturday, June 22, 2013

the season will destroy you

on the longest day, i did not see the sun. i meant to plant a tree, take a walk, make a plan, clean up a bit... i barely managed to make a call. could not take any. 

even doing this is impossibly difficult. 

half an hour later... (longer? time doesn't move right anymore. what have i even done?)

another half hour. music finally chosen, the cat sick and restless in my lap.

where did it go? the last solstice still seems so close, maybe even the freshest thing. because i wrote it down? or because i was full of fire, more inspired and empowered than i had been in months, before or since? because i had a plan, or because i didn't? because i thought i would inevitably die on the highway? OR BECAUSE I HAD GOTTEN TWO HOURS OF SLEEP AND WAS CRAZY FULL OF COFFEE AND FELT LIKE A GOD FOR GETTING OUT OF A SPEEDING TICKET? what a bunch of shit, what a fucking farce. everything has gone wrong since then, and i'm sick of pretending otherwise. i don't understand how everyone can float through all these strange social labyrinths and somehow know all the rules and make it look so pretty and beautiful and boring at the same time. why am i bothering to try?

today i decided to give up. again. maybe it'll stick this time, now that it's words.
stay inside. don't wonder what you did wrong. the dance won't be worth it. the mess is too much. they don't actually like _you_ it's just beer. they won't call. no one will choose you except your cat who will die. get some kind of desk tech job and quit kissing and pining and puking.

what did i ever think i was doing, all these years? why did i never plan? somehow it never seemed necessary. i didn't believe in anything involving goals or plans. why bother? probably won't live that long, and if i do, i guess i'll have done something right. i guess not.

boy is this ever hard to write tonight. i just wanna spit. what a fucking disaster. although it doesn't matter since no one will read this.

i've fallen into a trap of cycles, a bunch of really meaningless stupid short time-disappearing ones. probably it's gotten a bit obsessive.. not too sure how to get out of there. because i'm always "about to" do something else, then three hours later... i get up and do the dishes and then get sucked back in. how?! oh misery, so embarrassing.

now this low, i saw this one coming on, but i didn't know it would be such a hard fall. now, from the bottom looking up, i see that i've just come out of probably the longest manic period of my life, and it's taking its toll with a vengeance. it was fairly steady with only bursts of total crazy - a month of panicked online booking, three weeks of lunatic touring traveling nonstop communicating and floating and attempting to entertain (another story entirely), and the whole next month riding it out, mostly solitary mellow with spurts of restless social energy and the urgent need to be out out out. how much i needed people! and why? the whole time i kind of can't stand them (mostly) and i don't know even know what the purpose is, why am i there. just to use them? for distraction, or....? add in my newly recovered (discovered?) libido and jesus what a mess. just to be on the pulse, to ask the questions, to be wanted, enjoyed. still, they never do catch me. (haha what am i saying, they never try.)

maybe i am getting somewhere to be able to at least remember that charged place so clearly, even from all the way down here. have i pegged this before? morgan seemed incredulous when i told her my theory, but after i explained, she said, "yeah you do go through this barhopping phase a lot." and i could feel the switch starting, when i sat in the corner at the p&h drinking straight from the bottle and trying not to make eye contact, and when i showed up at lauren's cookout not knowing why i had come except to bring the charcoal. clinging to each little mission. the next drink. the next smoke. the next person through the dark of the door.

maybe i should go work at a bar, that's what i was thinking. why not? and then there's this spiral, and i can't stand anyone, and i can't do anything, and that's all there is. even typing that feels so useless and stupid i can't believe i even did it. but this whole thing has been a struggle, so no point in stopping now, three hours later.
this is where 4pm coffee gets me.

really it's not as bad as it could be.... so probably will get worse before it gets better. this could be the slow buildup after such a long decline. a blank staticky expanse stretching on and on and on... potentially toward some much more tumultuous oceanic death-ridden thing, i'm sure. i don't see another option.

lord how does it ever get so late (and where indeed does the time go) and why am i even writing this here. TOO LATE NOW HAHA and dont bother editjng


listening to: matson jones - spring fever

Friday, September 03, 2010

broken glass as far as we could see

worst beans and rice ever. what is wrong with me??? actually i will just blame these possibly frigerator-burned beans and butterless instant rices.
getting ready to go out with ada. but where to? probably one of the midtown dives we've been frequenting this summer... probably the lamplighter.
i put hot sauce on this beans and rice but it is still kinda inedible. time for a bunch of corn on the cob, i guess.

listening to: hop along - coney island

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

i am a werewolf

ahhh, another day.
soooo this weekend was the memphis trip, which we had been soooo looking forward to for so very long. i'm not sure if i'd call it anticlimactic.... it was definitely worth the trip. friday night was gonerfest where we (me, brandon, leroy, rachel, bonnie, ALICE, LAYLEE, etc) mostly sat in some bushes outside and drank malt liquor, i.e. SPARKS. this was the time of my downfall.... i've been sick for a while now and rather than going allll the way inside and waiting in line to blow my nose, i just used some leaves. naturally. i do this all the time. however, by the end of the night, i had little black marks on my face and arm, although i didnt notice them until saturday morning.
at any rate.... the bands were great, although, of course, Mr. Airplane Man blew everybody else out of the water. it was amazing!! brandon and i were basically the only dancers in the building, which was disappointing, but not at all shocking for the memphis hipster crowd. it's rather unfortunate how prudish we memphians can be... luckily i'm doing everything i can to break the mold. ho ho ho. after their set, i hung out with mfox and saki behind a newspaper until our eyeballs fell out. i was then dragged to the car because apparently rachel was passing out on the pavement and was really ready to go. i was still ready to run around, but apparently i was the only one. apparently i was the only one who thinks 2am is not that late. back at my house, my darling girls laylee and alice stayed with me until 4am, letting me rant and rave and rip my head off. what angels! i don't know what i would have done without them. so they left and i crawled into bed with my beautiful sister, who, a mere 3 hours later, opened her big, beautiful eyes and asked me, "why are you sad?" so of course i woke up. and you know, i cant generally go back to sleep after being awoken... so morgan and i made our rounds through the other rooms of sleeping kids and made sure we weren't alone in consciousness. perhaps we'll never be forgiven, but do you really think we'd care? ha! leroy and bonnie made a beautiful breakfast that was supposed to be hashbrowns, but ended up as mushy potatoes and veggies. it was still delicious, if you ask me. so we spent an unfortunate amount of time lounging around my house... not that i REALLY minded, but looking back, we probably should have caused some ruckus. although i got some great quality time with my kitty. we took naps in the early afternoon to combat our three/four/five-hour nights, and i helped morgan create the perfect pirate costume for a cowboys and indians ice cream social. she even had a sword! but the little hussy ran off with my bandana... grrr. i had just acquired that one, too. ah well, i suppose all things must pass. we eventually got out of that cave of a house, and wandered around cooper young for a few hours. traditional stops for records at goner, feast of eyes at house of mews, and deliciousness at young avenue deli... although since the neighborhood has been attracting more yuppies, they've raised their prices, and i don't like it one bit. the fries aren't as good these days either! it's almost not worth it but.... ohhhhh the cheesy sticks. yes yes yes. at this point we split up: the nola crew went off to fill a southaven fridge with warm beer, and the ALA girls headed downtown to create some mischief. i think i acquired about $100 worth of clothes, all soft and colorful and cottony. i'm pretty proud. then we all met back up again to go to theatreworks for Birth, a play which is trying to raise awareness about maternity care in the states. it was pretty great, and i'm so glad that we all got to go. especially the reduced prices for all seven of us! it is awesome to be in the our own voice family... theatreworks always feels like coming home.
after the play, we were supposed to hang out with lauren h, but she was nowhere to be found! sad the way that always seems to go... instead, we sat around on my kitchen floor and ate tomato soup and sunset pizza from camy's. by now it was almost 1am and the kids were starting to crash. brandon and i tried to rouse everyone for a late-night trip to peabody park, as is custom, but nobody was down. we walked alice and laylee out to the car, and by the time we made it back inside, everybody was.... indisposed. it was rather unfortunate. we convinced bonnie and leroy to give us a LITTLE shared bed time, but soon we were kicked out. it was weird to be kicked out of that whole side of the house... i don't think i've ever run across the predicament before. so brandon and i watched "return to oz" and looked up perversion on the internet. it was great times... as you can imagine.
the next morning, i woke up with a puffy, red face that mom swore was hives. leroy insisted that it was poison ivy, like whatever he had on his leg and arms. i used his zanfel medicine, but to no avail. i took some benadryl and passed out while morgan, leroy, and bonnie were cooking. everybody paraded in and out of my room like a tv show. i vaguely remember hugging rachel goodbye, morgan trying to coax me up with biscuit dough, etc. but mostly i remember my wonderful mama sitting with me, rubbing my back, and soothingly asking if i wanted to transfer colleges. it was certainly a weekend to be babied, and i gobbled it all up. unfortunately, now i'm back in new orleans, totally lonely and motherless again. i really do like to have someone taking care of me... my big memphis support group of friends is so perfect for that. even the reduced version that i had over the weekend was perfect. i can't figure out what's so different down here, but i just don't have the same sense of safety and love that i do when i'm in my hometown. i don't think new orleans is really that much scarier than memphis.... but i guess my neighborhood here is pretty bad. and my friends down here are all fucking nuts. i just want cuddles and hugs and someone that knows when i'm hurt and what the fuck i'm talking about. i need more women in my life. i need cat energy. i need a pile of pillows to pet on. i need tea parties and bubble baths and girls nights. this is a situation that i'm going to start working on asap. yeesh.

so my face is still all puffy and horrible. i went to the doctor before i realized that it was probably the nose-blowing leaves that did it... geeehhh. i have been taking medicine as if it was a bacterial infection, but i think i'll go back to the doctor on thursday to get checked out again. i've been sick for way too long!!! this is getting old!!! i need to be surrounded by less smoke, that will probably help my throat. geez.
tonight hilary is supposed to come over for a hair night with me and py! it should be great. as long as i can still manage to wake up for my 8:30 class, it's all good. we have pink and purple dye, and no regard for humanity dignity!
now i should go read "demian" for my short fiction class. i'm enjoying it so far and i can only expect that it will get better! plus there's a quiz tomorrow.. yipe.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Saturday, January 03, 2004

i'm back, loves! and i hope to god you've missed me as i've missed you... please someone call and/or feed me.
we got back home around 7:15 this evening and i called brock immediately -- i didn't even get my shit out of the car, which is kind of sad. but he squealed on the phone and he has had total cabin fever all week.
the good news: HE GOT HIS LICENSE. HE GOT A CAR. HOLY SHIT.
the bad news: he isn't really allowed to drive it yet, because of his utter lack of practice.
it doesn't matter. it's sad that he couldn't practice more during this week, so that he could come and whisk me away the second my little toes touched memphis earth. that's okay okay okay whatever. we went to bookstar for a few hours, and ran into jo, and had silly tarot card/teen read fun. what a wonderful world. a bit after she left, we became absolutely enthralled with this astrological book. brock and i are sick believers in the cosmos and accidentally spent the whole night looking at it. we read this big description of brock's Leo/Virgo Cusp of Exposure, which seemed mostly very fitting. it said they are very secretive because of strong self-judgement, so they usually find only one person who accepts them as they are. brock read the whole thing aloud and at the end he was like "well i guess my person is you" and we had a moment and his hair was very soft. i couldn't quit staring at it while he was reading. in fact, i couldn't quit staring at him on a whole. it was so great to see him again. it's kind of funny/sick that i was so anxious to be with him, since he was the last person i saw before our trip, and he's the only memphian i talked to while i was gone. there are some people i really want to see that i've barely seen all break, but what can i say? brock is brock. i would feel silly about being so excited to see him, but he was feeling the same way. although sometimes i wonder if he actually likes me or just likes me being around. god damn. at any rate, the night was kind of anticlimactic, actually, but it served its general purpose -- disintegrating that damned cabin fever.
i know that if i don't post about my time with the grandfolks soon, i won't do it at all. because that's how i be. maybe i'll just post some self-explanatory photos.
teaser: I FELL OFF SO MANY FUCKING BEDS.

listening to: liz phair - glory

Saturday, December 06, 2003

today fucking sucked. not for any one particular reason, but everything about school was bad. by the end of the day i was so damn depressed. we had a short spice girls dance party in the parking lot after school, but even that didn't really fix stuff. i came home alone and sat around feeling dumb. brittany called, which was the best part of the afternoon. i told her to come to becca's show, and we just talked, and it was nice. then i tried to call laylee because i was sad. i forgot she was at that thing thing. stupid me. i called brock to ask him to bring me blank video tapes so that i could film becca's show. we didn't talk very long after that so i ended up nearly taking a couple naps. i was really tired from my week of bad sleeping habits, so i guess that is good. then morgan went over to eileen's, and mom and i watched the beginning of "the crow." aha. basically it was a fucking awful day, afternoon, and early evening. i got dad to drive me to java at 8. brock had already arrived; i think he forgot that he was supposed to call me when he got there. i was still in a sad little mood, even though i was excited about the show. i shmoozed around and played with the many varieties of magic 8-balls with sallis, kevin, brock and cuddled laylee for a while. brock and i made the mistake of leaving our place on the couch to get drinks. in reality, this should not have taken any time at all. but the BITCH WOMAN FROM HELL was working tonight, and she totally ignored us for like 15 minutes. so we lost our places to elise's friend laura and some guy from ridgeway. elise and some guy eric got there, and completely avoided me and brock. it was really hilarious, if you think about it. then brittany and her entire family showed up, which was also hilarious. brock, alice, lauren h, brittany, and i played with chess pieces during daniel's poetry reading. i thought that becca had asked him to do all funny stuff, but apparently not. i think that is better considering the nature of becca's set, but i am not too impressed with most of his stuff. so becca came on, and she was of course AMAZING. i love all the new songs. the show tonight was really intense, really different from last time. with that, she had played the songs for a (partially, at least) similiar crowd so many times before that we had all developed a pattern. becca was very big on eye contact and grins and it was adorable and very fun. so even if the nature of the song was sad, you had a great fucking time anyway. with this show, most of the songs were things that she hadn't played for audiences and most of them were very sad and very beautiful. the show turned out very intense, which i thought was really awesome, especially considering my state. i would rather see someone totally into her music and sad sad than happy and cute, even though both are great. it's so impressive how becca has evolved and matured since just august. i know she was anxious about how the shit went down, but i don't think she had any reason to be. the only things that disappointed me were that i wished the set was longer, and that some people who were supposed to come didn't show up. margaret, christie, jenny, elizabeth, robin, etc -- where the fuck were you?! spacebat ass!??!!?! fuck that!
i can't really talk. after becca's set and generally hanging out-ness, katherine, alice, lauren, tarah, brock and i went over to hi-tone to see the tail end of the mutant spacebats show. i danced like a mutha, and it was the most upbeat part of my whole fucking day. dancing can make everything better for me. it was just so good. then svetlana was there and tried to grind with brock again. for fuck's sake. i really hate her. stupid ho. alice had to be home my midnight, so i got home around 11:45. now i've been hanging out, and talking to hannaH, and making mp3s of becca's show. ask her if you can hear them. plus evan williams's copies are probably better.

listening to: becca bobango - morning sickness

Sunday, September 14, 2003

today was really good. man, though, my blog is totally dying. ughh i can't keep this up. oh well.
today was the cooper-young festival. i sat around the house, sort of trying to find someone to go with all day long. i knew that a lot of people had wanted to go, but couldn't for various reasons. (katherine d, sallis, laylee, brock were stuck at home with school bullshit. ew.) but i didn't want to go alone and then wonder around for my entire life trying to find them. but that's what i ended up doing. dad dropped me off near first congo, and very shortly after i ran into morgan (sister, not fox) with a couple of her friends (sara/foot and duncan). we walked around for a while. morgan had seen tarah a while earlier, who wrote her cell phone number (and "i love you!") on some little piece of paper for me. i called her, and eventually found her at java. we didn't really get to hang out, because foot was trying to find her mom and i was still walking around with them for god knows what reason. i saw zoë and miranda briefly, which was nice. we accumulated a larger group of 8th and 9th graders that i didn't know and stood around doing things that weren't very interesting for morgan and me, for a while. so morgan and i were like "okay let's go to bella sun" and i swear i thought everyone was following us... i guess not. so we ended up watching that all alone, but they were great of course. they played with a BAND, too. (well drums and bass. you know.) it was really interesting. jesus christ frank black is so sexy when he sings in spanish. or when he sings in english. or when he breathes. so at the very end of the set, elise, lauren d, and alice arrived. it was somewhat distracting. oh well. HANGWIRE! we stood around and talked for a bit. oh yeah, leah's dad recognized me from like. the one time we met, and he talked to me about film and dauchsands and black vs white rap. a funny little man. funny because i might not have recognized him if i didn't love this picture katherine d took of him. i love it because it's just like. some old guy grinning in front of tombs. aahaha. my humor needs a sound check. (that was a pretty good pun, if i do say so myself.) anyway. then mutant spacebats of doom played. i liked the hi-tone show better, because it was longer and much more rock n roll, and there were some tech issues as well as more obvious fumblings of the band today. (and by the way, those are SOOOO my mp3s on their website. hell yes! i wish they'd credited me. how much an i ask, though? you can hear me and co. screaming and sometimes speaking through the tracks.) but you know me, i still danced like a crazy fool ass this afternoon. it was fun. after that, i walked to java cabana with elise, alice, and lauren. suddenly foot appeared, who morgan had been looking for ever since we lost them before bella sun. she and morgan were leaving, and i thought they were going home, which apparently they weren't. but i think foot's mom was meant to be my ride-ish. so i was like well i don't want to go home, elise would you mind dropping me off when you guys leave? and she made the gaggy creep ass noise and said she couldn't because she didn't know what her plans for later were. this made no sense to me. i wasn't asking to come along, i was just asking if she could take me home after she left co-yo. but anyway i was like "fuck this, i don't want to beg to hang out with someone who (a) obviously didn't want me to stick around and (b) i wasn't having a marvelous time with in the first place." so fuck that shit. i went outside, because morgan and foot had already stepped out, but they had disappeared. so i was entirely without a ride. at that point it was obvious that i wasn't going to go back in and beg for a ride from elise. i decided instead to just hang out alone until dad could come get me. but amazingly enough, i happened to walk back towards the spacebats show, and i ran into elizabeth, jenny, and rocio. i started to hang out with them, before i decided to call my dad, but elizabeth said she'd take me home anyway. we walked around and listened to a little bit of another bad, outside first congo. we saw morgan (fox, this time). i love that man. he came over and gave me a very good hug, with his glitter and silly sunglasses. then we walked around some more, ran into christie and katherine warren for the second, brief time. we ended up going in a big circle, to find ice cream. there were a couple times when we saw elise walking around with other people. we once made a half-assed attempt to catch up to her, but that didn't really work out. and we didn't really want to hang out with some friends she'd made at theatre whatever or elementary school or bridgebuilders or whever these happened to be from. but it's weird, to think about it now, that it this "oh, there goes elise." thing, which, if i had seen her with ANYONE last year, i would've sprinted a block to catch up. well not that i would've been able to see her a block away, in the middle of cooper-young festival. but you know what i mean. oh well, things change. and i had a great time anywa. anyway, we asked this old guy where he got his damn ice cream. turned out to be just across the street from java. he offered us the rest of his, though HAHAHA. and just as i was buying my large $3 vanilla/chocolate swirl cone (with a damn $20 bill, too. what an ass am i.) my fucking phone rang. it's really hard to balance like four things at once in only some two hands. but anyway it was BROCK. we just sort of talked for a few minutes, because i assumed that he wasn't able to get out of the house yet. i guess i thought it was earlier in the day than it was, or something (like 5:30). but i randomly was like "you need to be here, to look at all the pretty people with us." (ben siler was walking by.) and so he did. and it was good. and god made cheese. yum yum yum. while we were sitting by that damn M restaurant at the cooper-young intersection, christie and katherine w again made an appearance, but this time they actually stuck around. so we were all sitting around waiting for the beautiful brock to arrive. it was exciting. at one point, i realized it was like 5:50 and he was supposed to be there, so i walked around to see if he'd sat down someplace on the other side of the gazebo. i was just walking along and this guy was randomly like "can i take your picture?" i said "sure" and accidentally assumed my picture pose thing, when i sort of put my weight on one foot and do an unintentional hip-jut. i'm afraid i looked assy, but i don't really care. he was just like "okay" and ran off after that, though. it was interesting, to say the least, because i was definitely not one of the strangest-looking people there. maybe i was the happy medium he was looking for? HAHA no too ugly for that. anyway, brock wasn't there. so i went back to the groupity, to find russell standing there among them. he was wearing double plaid and thrift, and he is funny. i like him. he danced crazy with me at battle of the bands. that is a meaningful experience. he gives me hugs too, which i adore, because hugs are my favorite thing. anyway, brock eventually showed up, fashionably late. i was excited to see him, of course, but instead of just doing my stupid little normal standing there and not showing any excitability at all thing, i jumped around and gave him a huge running hug, which turned into a moviesque spinning hug, in which (because of my smallness) i was lifted off the ground and spun and spun. it was something like a kevin bird-flight thingie, only not so flighty in the airness, and more huggity. i've never hugged brock around his neck, probably, because it's too far away. oh well.
advantages of smallness: being really easy to spin around, therefore getting spun around all the time mostly on accident
disadvantages of smallness: hard to see a damn thing. but concerning human contact, it's impossible to reach a tall person's upper body. so it would be ridiculous if one attempted to hug a tall person's neck, or hit their fucking head without it taking 20 minutes and depriving you the option of surprise attack, or spontaneously kiss them, unless you're aiming for their stomach.

soon after that, becca and william appeared. becca and i had a gloriously long hug and somewhere in the middle of it, we fell over?? i'm not really sure how that happened, but we ended up lying on the sidewalk for a while laughing. it was fun. she was wearing no shoes, which i thought was a very dumb idea. because i grew up in cooper-young. but oh well she is hardcore, what can i say? she told william that i have wife qualities and made him touch my hips. it was interesting. he had to bend over to hug me. it was really really funny. since he was bent, i was then able to hug his neck. exciting. i have never done such a funny hug. he also ended up picking me up, and it was very nice. i wish everyone would do that. william also said that i am papoose worthy. hell yes. so eventually, they skipped merrily away. we sat around and people watched. fucking TOSH walked by. i don't know if he still goes to white station. probably not. his persona is so anti-last year. then he was goth ski-boots motherfucker, now he's indie dreads kid. odd transformation, but it would be interesting to talk to him again. stranger still, a few seconds after he walked by, CLIFF (his sidekick from last year's first semester b-lunch) walked in the other direction. christie, katherine, and i were like "fucking cliff!!!" he sat on our table on like the second week of school, when we still sat inside, and broke that damn thing. no wonder we started sitting outside, we were trying to escpe the wrath of cliff+tosh. what a team. anyway, the three of us ran after that motherfucker. he was wearing this big purple hat, and i don't know how we managed to, but somehow we lost him. it was sad. but on our way down cooper, we saw a beautiful boy so we went and stood next to him for like 5 minutes. it was fun. he was really fucking pretty. the prettiest boy at the whole festival. and too bad we are the only 3 who got to see that pretty damn boy. so we mosied back over to the rest of the group, who were standing around with lauren, sophie, jeff, elise, and possibly some of elise's other friends? christie and katherine took off, elise and co. took off, and jenny and rocio went to walk around while elizabeth, brock, lauren, jeff, sophie, and i had dinner at young ave deli. it was not crowded, which i was surprised, but very pleased, to see. i had a cheeseburger because they weren't serving my favorite hot dog dish on the menu, because of the festival and the crowd and whatnot. wahhh. brock and i hung out by the jukebox, which felt very Rock. i reenacted the kill hannah jukebox moment, that was exciting. we picked "debaser," "a day in the life," and "jungle boogie." what a playlist. unfortunately, we had to leave before they played them. aww. it was an okay dinner, but really short compared to what i'm used to. lauren had to get picked up, though, or something. jeff and sophie didn't order anything, because they weren't hungry anyway. it was strange. sophie hugged me though, and said things like "i love you! i miss you! i need to see you more often!" which was really funny to me. i barely said but 3 words to her through the whole thing, i think, which wasn't really on purpose but i probably should've been nicer. jeff seems like a nice guy, but i always get the impression that he's just simply being a nice guy by being wherever he is, rather than "i'm having fun here." i just haven't seen him in the right situations, i guess. maybe that dinner just felt especially short because i was nowhere near done eating when we left. i had like 30 gazillion fries left, even though they were really damn good. i also had half a fucking hamburger and an entire coke (no refill, either). we started walking along cooper, towards union, when we spotted william and becca again. i think lauren had already disappeared, by then, and after a couple minutes of talking brock was like "alanna how are we getting home?" (and by home, he meant my house. i LOVE it that he invites himself over. i LOVE that. to me, that is pure closeness with someone. when you assume that you're going to be with them all day long, until someone makes you leave. i love it.) anyway. william VERY CHEERILY volunteered. i was really surprised, because lately i have heard some things about his stand-offishness towards becca's friends. and he did that big gushery smile, which is actually very cute. it was very happy. elizabeth, jenny, and rocio kind of disappeared, i don't remember any formal goodbye ceremonies. william and becca were leaving c-y at the same time, anyway, so it wouldn't REALLY have mattered who took us back home, except it did. it really made the rest of the night, if you know what i mean. it dealt that damn deck. it closed that damn deal. it was fucking good. william had parked in a REALLY WEIRD spot, that was blocks and blocks away from the north block-off on cooper. when we lived on felix, we just walked from home obviously. (felix is one street over from young.) we've normally just parked on felix in years since. parking on the west side of cooper just makes much more sense to me. but william had parked like. i don't know. it was insane. it was right next to east parkway, only blocks and blocks from the actual festival. and he got a ticket for parking there anyway. ANYWAY i'm not complaining about the walk, because it was quite exciting. brock threw this wad of my never-ending hamburger at william and he refused to believe that it wasn't me. he had a big ketchup on his back too. ahha oh funny. i had a lot of fun being silly with william tonight. it was nice, and i enjoyed his company lots. i pelted becca with little bits of hamburger. not ketchupy ones, though. she had on a very nice shirt, with a little strappy back thing. and at some point i think her feet were hurting (barefootness) so william piggy-backed her the rest of the way. for some reason, brock was carrying my coke (which got more spilled than sipped) and he started to flick it on becca's back. she was like "it's raining!!" all cute and happy. it was really funny. i died laughing. ohh i'm mean. oh well, it was too much fun. so william tried to take a detour to my house. he said it was "the long way" anyway, but he was trying to avoid the traffic for some huge game that was happening. we ended up in ghettoville. we got laughted at and dissed by more black people than you could count on all your limbs. it was great fun. to counter the rap attack of the surrounding windows-down vehicles, we blasted yeah yeah yeahs, dandy warhols, squirrel nut zippers, and an assortment of strange ethnic songs. though we were taking the detour, we were still stuck in AWFUL traffic for like 6 blocks of pain. it was so much fun. william played a cover of "mr. grieves" for me by this band called TV on the Radio. i've heard stories that he's very snobbish about music in his car and usually refuses to tell people the names of bands he's listening to. i don't know, but that was NOT the case tonight. i loved the cover, and he played at least one other song by the band. i really liked it, said so, and he told me he'd make me a copy of the cd. when he dropped us off at my house (finally) he actually handed me his cd though. it was really nice. also, as soon as brock and i got out of the car, it started to rain. so we ended up dancing in it for like 20 minutes. it was too much fun. we attempted to tango down my driveway, and brock mutilated his foot. i didn't think he was as hurt as implied by the bruise he sported later in the evening, however. poor brock's foot. i'm sending my good karma to that piece of shit. anyway we danced all around the driveway, ran down the street, jumped around in the beautiful light of a streetlamp, and splashed around in this great, massive, deep puddle that always forms across the street from my house in a dip in the road. it was great. not only did brock sing shakira and shake his ass, he dragged me down the driveway twice. we attempted a leg-lift thing. fwhaha. hijinx ensue. and they were great. rain is too much fun. we came inside absolutely soaking. somehow my family didn't even notice that we'd been at home for a while, and they didn't question our wetness at all. they just assumed that we got THAT wet coming from the car into the house i guess. ahahaha oh well. i didn't say anything about dancing around outside because it felt like something too special to just proclaim like that, i guess. it was really beautiful though. i want to swing dance. i love the feeling of being wet and i love how people look when they're wet, especially at night and wearing their normal clothes. to me, it's just so eerie and out of place-ish that it makes them resemble pixies or something, i don't know. it's just otherworldly. i don't know how to explain it. but i love the feeling of being wet, still, in the big comfiness of the dry house, in dry clothes, but still essentially very wet. the comfy feeling might have also come out of the fact that i put on my pajamas and everything. brock had to borrow my dad's shorts HAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAAHAHHAAHAHAH anyway i had wanted to have another windowsill kinda night, but that wasn't going to happen what with the rain. we ended up falling into the coziness of the couch, because that really did feel like the appropriate place to exist, with our wet. morgan and mom were about to watch "blow dry" which the family minus morgan had watched last night. i didn't mind seeing it again, it was a fun movie. featuring josh hartnett the fetus. we had popcorn, which is always very happy because i'm still not used to our genius new microwave. i was glad that brock's mom let him stay for the whole movie. at one point, dad was like "so, brock, are you spending the night?" and usually when he makes silly, off comments/questions they annoy me. but that one made me happy, just knowing that it wouldn't have been an issue for my parents, even if it is for his. and i wish it wasn't. the night would've been perfect times 10 if he could have. it had the comfy feeling that spending the night would've been just heavenly. oh well, we have a lot of homework to do tomorrow, so even if his parents weren't Issued, they might not have let him. before he left, we looked around for his lost wallet but had no luck. unfortunate. he needs to go get his new permit so that he can get his license before they run away and leave us for cordova's skank ass. oh yeah, good time speech auditions are tomorrow. PLEASE guys, come try out. this play is going to be fun and strange, and they need lots of people for it. ahaha i don't even know if i'm going to go yet. but pleeeease go. i guarantee a great time, whether or not you're really into theatre (which i am NOT). uhh. i can't think of anything nice to say to end this post.
today i appreciated my shortness and group-hopped lots and loved to dance. i've been drinking this root beer for fucking 4 hours or something. okay literally more like .... 4. ahahah shit.

listening to: squirrel nut zippers - ghost of stephen foster

Monday, March 03, 2003

i'd forgotten how much that means to me. how it cheered up my whole day. movies.... a little silly but it's something for me to love, something that we all connect with, put our positive energy into. with camera in hand i don't have to go to college. i can live in memphis forever -- the next digital savvy generation. i will sleep on these couches. i will exist in this office. i will survive in this theatre. imagine me editting away in that exact chair. me borrowing their tripods. (no, i will be loaning MINE to fresh-faced kids with dreams and dreams and dreams like MINE.) me popping organic popcorn, living on jelly beans, putting money into this thing i believe in so entirely that i will give up some luxuries for my cause. who needs TV and commercial cinema when there are indepedent films to be had? to be created? i would give up some baths if i could take part in making something beautiful. i'm on the road, i've already given up a meal or two just to enjoy their company. so why am i even considering making next year hell? you actually want me to give up my time to things i don't care about, even if it means missing their tuesday night workshops again? it will make my life hell and i will have no room to be free.

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

mom sent me off
to buy chilli ingredients.
neither of us was wearing shoes.
too cold for her outside,
but not for me?
i trek through the snow alone
leaving angry footprints
in my neighbors' perfect yards.
it takes me a couple minutes
to find the right beans.
and i never do find a
"spice pkg of cumin seeds or ground"
but i spend five minutes standing
in front of the mexican spice rack.
these two men come up next to me
(wearing matching coats, i swear)
they look like crazy indie guys.
they're also looking for some kind of chili spices.
i stall for as long as i can,
fiddling with my list and my jacket and the
products that came to my city, my tiny midtown grocery store
in order to satisfy the growing hispanic population
in the cheap apartments across the street.
here i am in my comfort.
here they are in their miniature ghetto.
here i am complaining that i have to walk to the store in the snow.
here they are having no choice, no car, no big fluffy coat.
here i am stalling next to my new favorite people,
handling the merchendise.
here i am wishing for them to be a couple,
watching their feet standing close.
they still haven't decided what to buy when
i slip away still empty-handed.
i just take the most generic seasoning up to the register
slide change into my pockets
wish change upon the world

Monday, September 16, 2002

been rubbing a bad charm with holy fingers

so weekend. on friday, brittany and i had wanted to do something but she stayed home for waiting Button Boy to get online or call her or something along the lines of communication, which he did not. by the time i think she may have wanted to do something, i had made plans to go out with elise, robin, and brock. however, they never came to pick me (or brock) up. apparently elise and robin went on a walk and lost track of time or something. i went to bed fairly early.
on saturday, the first thing i did in the morning was listen to our lovely Launch radio station so i suggest that you should to. it's pretty good. i can't exactly perfect it because i'm trying to only rate songs that we've done previously for music log. at some point, margaret graves called and asked if i was going to the cooper-young festival. no, i had not left yet at 1pm because brittany couldn't get a ride and i couldn't get in touch with laylee. margaret and i met at java cabana and watched part of Mutant Space Bats of Doom's show or whatever theyre called. i think that's about right. the band is bennett foster, zak baker, linton holiday, and hunter deacon. ask me about getting some stills, since i filmed a bit of it. (a very little bit.) but still. i found laylee, becca, katherine, and meg but i didnt really keep up with them. when i first saw laylee she hugged me HUGE and philip jacobson stared. it made me very happy. we were everywhere. margaret and i were trying to get some hardcore club footage. katherine was JUST ABOUT to go over and interview them (with my lovely questions) but they fucking left. it was terrible. of course, laylee and becca went with them so there went the party. we should have stalked them, i'm so serious. so we got a few random people to say "i hate the hardcore club" and that was great enough in itself. margaret and i sat in java cabana for a while and just talked and that was really nice. that makes me want to hang out with her (and meg and katherine warren and christie and heather) more often. at some point we walked to felix to meet my mom, who took us to auditions for the upcoming play, the momo's curse (by our own voice) at theatreworks. margaret said she really enjoyed the auditions (which are not real auditions) but that she thought she'd done a terrible job dancing. i can't say if it's true or not because i didn't see her (ehoaoeieowooiwi i'm terrible). her dad picked her up, and my mom dropped morgan and i back off at cooper-young festival for an hour because i wanted to see if anyone i knew was still there, which they were not. except for zak, who morgan talked to. it might have been more interesting if i had remembered to bring the camera that time but i had not. and then maybe if we'd had anything to eat besides cokes (in bottles!) but we did not. mom picked us up on tanglewood (we'd been sitting there watching this great dog jump practically over his fence) and we ate backyard burger. mom said that elise had called, wanting to know if i could come with them to cooper-young and mom said they were probably already there but i hadnt seen them obviously. when we got home, i called kevin's cell (amusing that they'd be together. jesus i really do treat them like they're married.) and he was just pulling up at elise's house, so i talked to her and she invited morgan and i to come watch the royal tennenbaums with her, brock, and kevin at his house. i accepted of course and it was gala event. for those of you who care, elise's hair is now Super Blond. after the movie (which i loved for the third time) kevin drove us home because he's the sweetest thing. i stayed up too late just sitting around online.
sunday when i woke up, we went to the second auditions for momo's curse. katherine was there and that was happy. afterwards i sat around online a good bit and then did my homework. the end.
today... well this week at school is spirit week so today was Wear What You Want Day. i was going to wear the uniform because it would have been ghastly funny but i don't have one. so i just wore jeans (surprise, surprise) and my bob & doug mckenzie shirt because they are my idols. margaret gave me back my comet gain cd. meg has my sleater-kinney one beat, becca still has doolittle by the pixies (which i desperately miss), and elise STILL has dig me out by sleater-kinney. margaret was reenacting her massive fall from this morning, at lunch today, with my backpack. and when she slung it over her head and made it fly she brutally crushed my comet gain cd case but thats ok becuase i'm sure there's an extra one somewhere. also at lunch, ted link came and sat down at our table but he only talked to sam (jazz band drummer guy that i think katherine warren likes) so that was really crazy. actually hardcore was brought up somehow and he said that he'd STARTED IT! meg asked if we could make a documentary about it but i dont think he heard and that completely sucks.

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

satan sucks, but you're the best

well it sure has been a while. i don't really know what to say though. last week was pretty average. i got a note every single day (and this week too, so far) for not wearing the uniform. i am literally going to start a collection, put them on the wall in frames or something. last weekend was the first annual memphis digital film festival, which, as you should know, katherine submitted our short movie "romeo and juliet revisited" to. it was received fairly well, i thought. better than i had expected, what with it being shown to the indie artsy underground crowd. in fact, it was reshown on sunday as a Notable Film so that was very exciting. katherine had been giving out flyers at school for two weeks, but only melissa tuttle, alice buchanan, and elise(!) came, besides the cast (katherine, brittany, morgan, and i) and laylee. plus my parents and katherine's dad. and katherine's friend leah and her folks. but that's beside the point. real life quotes from living, breathing indie artsy types:
"...one of the biggest accomplishments of the festival." - morgan fox
"you guys kicked everybody's ass." - khyber daniel

and i can't really remember anything else but a lot of people came up and said how entertaining it was or something, and how cool or whatever. so brittany came over to my house on friday night to discover a banner that said "HAPPY DAY DAY" in purple. it was supposed to say just "happy day" because it was supposed to be a belated birthday banner. and we also had a cake for her and morgan gave her a cd by the peechees as a present (my parent's later gave her a film festival shirt). kevin and elise and robin were there and we all went to sonic and stayed there for a while and freaked some people out by being loud when kevin's window and little moon roof or whatever it's called were open. and they had my dig me out sleater-kinney cd in the car so that was awesome. laylee was supposed to join us but she had a family dinner and by the time she called and stuff she said she could get dropped off wherever we were, but she couldnt get a ride home and since the car was full, the plans didnt work out. it was quite sad. we went to black lodge and walked around cooper-young, as usual. brittany spent the night at my house. we watched rat race. the next day was the film festival, which i've already discussed in part. aside from our movie, we saw several other shorts (some of them were ok) linley's husband's movie, normal to oily which was ok, and one of the worst movies i have ever seen, called voices from the high school which was the most excruciating 72 minutes i have ever spent outside of school. it was an elongated version of one of this shitty movies they play in health class to talk about teen problems and suicide and sex and drugs and abuse. it was wretched. we literally ran out after that but we should have probably stayed for the next one, or at least to hear the man talk about the movie and let him ask us if we liked it and be able to say "TERRIBLE, EVIL MAN. DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB." and anyway the next movie had something to do with this band called lucero that i know meg likes. (they're local.) we all came home and i gave laylee her birthday present (in part. i didn't have a chance to burn any cds for her yet and i still feel terrible that i couldn't find any cds she wanted.) we ate pizza and watched this punk music documentary. there was a segment about how much reggae influenced punk, but they went on and on about reggae itself and it lasted way too long. i felt kind of cheated. but there was some really great patti smith stuff and sex pistols footage. and i liked hearing the ramones talk and listening to their outrageous accents. we went to this "party" at the hi-tone, which you got into free if you had a pass for the film festival. it was not a party at all. just some free food on a table, really loud boring music, and ... pool. so we left after what felt like 10 seconds but dad's car clock said 45 minutes. it was creepy. then laylee and brittany and i were joking about how we should make a video about the White Station Hardcore Club and we "moshed" with ourselves and brittany damaged my tooth. back at home, laylee's mom came and took her away and brittany and i stayed up for like three or four hours longer than we meant to, talking. morgan's friend sara also spent the night. on sunday brittany slept incredibly late and practically right after she woke up, katherine called us and told us about our movie getting replayed. so we all went to that "did a Q&A" afterwards. the family left but katherine, brittany, and i stayed to watch the rest of the movies. this week has been boring. the end.