film & fox dream

after not getting in bed till 5am, getting woken up by vacuums and shit at 8 or something and not gonig back to sleep till 9:30 or 10..... a brief dream.


becca johnson video? she’s watching it, or she’s listening to something... or is she playing? i thought i spoke to her. “wasn’t this the first time you played this song? you always opened up with a new one.” trying to be friendly, but she’s cold.

talking to sean in a little room, worrying about my exam

we watch a weird movie-- great quality but really gross subject matter-- like a college video made by hollywood

at one point we’re untangling cords... i hope he doesnt think i’m incompenet as a fellow filmmaker

at one point i look out the window and see tom! i wave, and we exchange some words about getting together later. i feel like he is carrying a bunch of gear-- fishing? photography? backwoodsmandry? see you later.

i’m overexcited, i talk over sean a couple of times -- apologize

i’m freaking out about my exam, how is it not 2:30? i look out the window and see that the river has flooded over, it is a huge and unstoppable creature rushing away first giant logs and then hoards of cars, an ambulance. i try to explain to sean what i am seeing. we go outside, and the sky is dark. i check the time but it’s only 1:40.

location: the house feels like the only structure on a vast, green piece of earth. i reconcile that it’s my grandparents’ house. suddenly there’s all these dogs running by. my family appears to tell me that there’s a fox. clearly the dogs are after it. i see them from a high angle, a huge crowd running after one orange blob. they’re driving it into the river. one dog actually drowns the creature, and i feel a pang of remorse. my family says they hope the cats were hiding, and i’m not sorry anymore.



what happens next? i feel like tom is involved, but i dont think i actually see him. maybe i just blamed him in the deam because i knew he was downstream, and i can imagine him meddling. i’m walking outside to look for the cats when the fox jumps over a fence and lands right in front of me. i freeze, but he’s already seen me moving. he pins me to a tree or silo or something, standing on his hind legs. he is clearly an oversized dream fox, more like a massive dog than anything else. his face is covered with what looks like green spray paint and his eyes are milky white, practically unseeing. i assume that the green paint happened earlier during the chase somehow. i stay perfectly still under his paws, and he eventually walks away. i feel like i may have been a little roughed up from this, but it’s not important. i need to find my cats. but every time i move, the fox suddenly appears again. at one point i try calling out. there is a horrible agony the final time, when he gets a whiff of my pussy and sniffs for a loooong time, trying to find me out. finally, a couple of dogs rush by me, and the chase is on again. before i know it, i can’t even place the fox among the herd of canids. i think i start off to look for my cats again, and maybe morgan appears, but i’m startled into wakefulness and have to write my fucking literary analysis, but i’m freaked out so i wrote this instead. the end.

today i set my sights on your heart

physical pain lingers after the dream is over. there is no fly fish prick fastened to my finger to test my ability for removal. now i'm typing, but the for first few minutes after i woke up, i was afraid to touch the spot. it still stings a little.
i dreamed that i went to school with brett. i dreamed that the stay-at-home girlfriends wept when the bus drove off. i dreamed of exploring in a field of nail-gun wheelbarrows and a rambling country road where we flew past huge dogs and oxen and a hundred other animals. then i dreamed of a pond, where we hijacked a boat and paddled around serenely until a couple of men threw some traps into the water, my hand was stuck, they said it was just a test and watched me wrestle with it, unable to concentrate because of the pain. i think it was the intensity of the sensation that finally caused me to wake up.
this is the typical tragic tale of monday. i don't want to get up when the alarm goes off, i don't feel like i need to get to work on time, i snooze a million times, and eventually tell myself that it's time to get up. but i don't.
today i woke up at 11:16 and my throat's still sore, so i decided to take the day off. i mean, i still have a ton of work to do for this huge paper that's due tomorrow, and i plan to spend my time doing that. maybe a little nap here and there... i already feel guilty because of an email from dr. bradshaw, asking me to make 21 key-hole-punched copies on light green paper (most likely the poetry class reading list) and to march them straight into his hands as he teaches class in the holden auditorium, all the way behind kitteridge. the past few weeks, he has had me doing this more and more, perhaps to test out how i operate as an English Research Assistant in front of peers. after all, i'll be in the Romanticism class next semester, and i won't be able to hide behind a TA like i do in grammar. which apparently is also part of my job next semester. dr. b had asked me to consider doing it, but jenn tells me that he has already informed her that i WANT to do it. well, i guess i knew i was gonna do it. he just figured it out first.
sorry for the work rant... i wonder if i should go down and eat eggplant sandwich and split pea soup at cowpie or that would just make me feel guilty. my dorm room options are... canned soup or zatarain's. i'm getting really hungry, i think i'll go anyway.

listening to: holly golightly - stain

too long nap

a bus and a plane. brett cancels his flight, where he would have run into my dad, to ride the bus with me. travelling at night, no sleep. a loaf of bread, nutella.
people take pictures of each other -- lover's revenge?

school dream

i’m in a class with my old history professor from loyola, but her hair is longer and maybe black. she’s teaching dance instead of world civ, and she doesn’t like me at all because i’m quiet. when we get evaluated, she says that i can’t finish movements, i’m stiff, and a number of other things. maybe this would be okay, but everyone else got showered with praise. i try to talk to her about it, but she’s really mean. somehow i end up storming out of class and throwing a ceramic teacup at the wall.

i don’t know what i’m gonna do. how can i explain this to dr. b and carol? i try to avoid them, but it doesn’t work. they find me eventually. they’re too kind. dr. b doesn’t really understand, he thinks i didn’t really mean it, but i did. carol is overly gentle in my class with her. she and another guy are team teaching and they do some whole elaborate exercise where we all have to hold hands and weave around the big desk they stand behind.
also there’s a girl in the class doing a project or playing a joke or..? she appears to strip topless, standing next to the male teacher, but i see that she has on some sort of flesh-colored thing that’s also binding her breasts -- she’s trying to look like a little girl.
i think this is part of some sort of school-wide event that’s going on... there’s another thing.... lumber?

i sit in a car with my cousin amelia on a street somewhere. we are talking and we see some possums in a tree. there’s a whole family. i scramble to get my camera ready to film them.

that’s all i have left. i can’t believe i slept till 1pm.

guilty dream

brett and i go to a little diner at a stop on our roadtrip, although all they serve is meat and fish... i order blowfish, which comes out looking like a miniature yellow blowfish, staring up at me. i don’t remember actually eating it, but i think i did, and of course felt really guilty about it later. brett reassures me in a truckstop bathroom.

i’m at some sort of bar and an older man offers to buy me a beer. i’m wondering what they have here, when he sorta suggets “Bud?” sorta pleadingly, so i get a PBR. he smiles and says, “that’s my kinda girl.”
there’s some bizarre scene with isaac hayes playing guitar on stage and saying something about, if he likes what he’s playing, of course we’ll like it. i think it’s kinda cool, but it’s not really my kind of music, so i don’t see how he is so confident.

i discover and befriend belan a young man who sleeps on a couch in a large alley/courtyard between some buildings. from head on, it looks like walls on three sides, but once you’re inside there are some crevices that lead to other places. i don’t remember much about my intial relationship with the boy except that i loved hin, cared about him.
i got my whole family to come out and meet him and in solidarity, we each slept on a couch in his alley. each member of my family represented a different color in the conversation we had -- like it was somehow in text even though we were speaking. they wanted to help. i switched couches with belan because he wasn’t comfortable and we talk secretly while my family sleeps.
later, still at night, my mom and sister come with me to a nearby alley, skinner, with a fence on one side. there’s a little dog caught in the fence and we help it free, but mom says, “it’s lost an ear.” then we see there are several other little dogs, and maybe a pig, that are missing ears and sometimes legs. i am devestated. i want to bring these animals to a shelter, but mom says no, it’s too late, especially for the one missing two ears and a leg. suddenly one of these little dogs gets swiped towards the fence and its second ear goes missing. there appears a giant cat, at least three times the size of these tiny dogs. it is matted and ferocious and calm, slowly stalking towards the street and away from us. i hate this beast, despite feeling connected to it. something calls us away, and we never come back.
belan gets us in to a party at an apartment in a nearby building. the apartment is nice enough, but it’s sorta faking being better than it is. it’s sorta twisty and the kitchen where i’m standing is very cramped. some people come in talking about haircuts, they look like people i have seen at school. i say, “i need a haircut” to the one i think is mikaliah with fancy hair, but she sort of scoffs and doesn’t see anything. i keep looking at her face trying to figure out who she is, but it’s sort of shifting, and her friend points out that they should leave because i am staring. i’m embarrassed and i leave, realizing that these people are higher status than me and i don’t know them.
someone makes fun of me for my UK trip, saying it’s a waste of money for so little.
the party is a weird mixture of fancy types and drug lords. it’s sorta classy but sorta not. at one point i heard a grizzly pony tail man say, “you should see what i left on the stairs,” so throughout the rest of the dream, i stop to check out every staircase i see, but i just find scraps, paper with nonsense words, a yellow ball.
i realize brandon is there, and my friend xi chen is his girlfriend, which i feel very weird about and i can’t place the feeling... maybe it’s just jealousy. at one point they disappear into the back. it seems like i follow them immediately, but when i get there i feel like they’ve been gone a while. i’m sure they’re having sex, and indeed, they are rearranging their clothes. i’m really upset, i don’t remember what i’m talking about. i want to tell xi she can do better. i see brandon’s bookshelf against the wall and start going through it, finding lots of my stuff, including drawings by me, tom, and our (fictional) friend nathan. i am livid, “i asked you to return my things and you said you didn’t have any!” at which brandon sort of balks, i guess he had hoped that i wouldn’t find out, or he hadn’t realized that this stuff was even mine. i’m especially upset about nathan, and i tell them that he had also been living on a couch in belan’s alley, but he died. brandon is totally out of hte loop and had no idea that nathan died and he feels pretty bad. but he reminds me that nathan was trans and used female pronouns and goes on this tangent about how queer issues are so important to him, especially since, “i mean i do have a girlfriend” but he didn’t identify completely with men. even though this pisses me off, i feel completely awful about not remembering about nathan’s gender, and all i can say is that i just plain didn’t remember... there’s a lot that’s fuzzy about that time.
by now, belan has transformed into a woman, not in a trans way, but in a dream way. i just know that we have to get her out of that alley, i have a new sense of purpose. i am collecting donations from the people at the party and i know she’ll make it.

as usual, there are many details i've forgotten by now already... this is really only the second part of the dream. there was a whole section about me and brett on a roadtrip, and all i can remember is that sad little blowfish looking at me. i would like to say maybe more will come back to me, but since it typically doesn't, i don't really think it will. although i wish it would.

it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me

i dreamed about hiking/climbing trees across an island forest with some people (dudes?) and later going to a small convenience store and walking around late at night with my granny. suddenly it was dawn, and she figured we had talked all night, but i thought the sun was playing tricks.
i only remember this dream because i woke up a couple minutes before my alarm for once.
a few minutes later, i looked out the window and had one of these thoughts: "that looks way too real." how can i tell?
there's a tapping on the bottom of my left foot. i wish it would stop.
my right nostril is stopped up. i really don't want to get sick right now.
today i have class from 9:30 to 12:20, 2:30 to 6, 8:30 to 10:30. i'm going to see some friends open for zoe boekbinder at sage at 7pm. i have a midterm to take, and lots of stupid errands i have been putting off. wish me luck...

listening to: nina simone - feeling good

disconnected bits from this morning's dream

brock and his new friend are planning to go to france again, of course, even though he'd said he needed to stay here for a while. who would want to stay? he's glowing, so excited. distant before he's even left.
while htey talk, me and a child play games like hide under the mattress. am i babysitting, or just excluded? i feel small too, i can climb around on the furniture like a child.
everything in the town is short, a seemingly neverending straight road cluttered with one-story buildings that are brown and shacky. it's like everyone's a gypsy, nothing is safe. there's a sort of primitive feeling, anything goes.
brittany mcbride's parents open a tavern. normally i would be nervous to go into a place like this, i might not even be allowed to be there. but because i know them, i know i won't get fucked up being there.
i'm sitting with a few people, we are the only people there, we're the first ones to try out the menu. mr mcbride brings us tea but says it's a batch his wife made, and it's no good. i look at the menu for what feels like forever, trying to process it. there is a huge list of meats, including about 5 or 6 (?) fake meat options. i don't understand if it will just be a big slab of meat or if these are choices for different dishes. everyone else is ordering, and then eating, and i'm still staring at the menu. then i remember mr mcbride saying something about an apricot bake or something, "thats what you want, right?" apparently he knew i wouldnt be able to handle the menu. the food is placed in front of me, but i'm not sure if i actually eat any of it. i'm not that thrilled about the dish he's chosen for me.
apparently the room has filled up with people. i see laylee at a table across the room, with strangers. she seems strange, like she's on something, sort of helpless. she sees me too and tries to tell me something, but when i try to respond, the mcbride people glare at me and tell me, not here. i'm worried about her but i can't do anything.
still, somehow i walk around a lot during the meal... and end up not getting to eat my apricot loaf. later i'll go looking for it, but it isn't there.
i keep seeing jamila, she's always talking about.. i forget exactly. she has to do something, she knows now what she has to do. i feel like she's in some sort of bad money situation or trouble with the law, or something, and she's trying to get it sorted out. she's always leaving.
while i am walking by, over a shelf, i see a man looking at me and pointing me out to the man next to him. this continues down a line of four men, ending with mr mcbride. he is shocked but tries not to show it. they're planning to do something to me... ii'm curious what it is.
brandon collapses and is dying. i freak out. me and some other people carry him on a stretcher towards the hospital. he's really sweaty and can't open his eyes. i am remembering everything, how much i cared about him. i give him a very small tongue kiss and tell him i love him. he murmurs "i've been waiting for that." as we get closer to the hospital, he gets more and more coherent, and starts arguing with us that we can't take him htere because he's broke and he hates doctors. i say "wanna see laylee's homeopathetic doctor?" even though i know thats not the right word. brandon says he tried to got here already and it is just a dusty shack, no one there. eventually we stop arguing and put him down, he seems fine again. we don't know how to feel.
i think i run into jamila again.. she's going and i'm coming into the tavern. she says she figured it out... she just has to.. .. what?
brandon's girlfriend is dead somehow. she is propped up on display in the tavern. brandon mourns and i comfort him. everyone's upset.. it is just one more thing in this terrible world going wrong. we watch a video of her (warren makes a brief appearance,a nd i can hear brandon in the background, i guess he's shooting) in a dorm room being cute or something. they're singing abotu how they love this college (obviously crashing there) and she says something like "my arms are swirling around without anything to hold on to" or something even more obnoxious. there's a sheet over the bottom bunk and i'm jealous of the tent, though i wonder if they made it or if it was there already. this is the most realistic part of the dream..
i am wandering around through the city, hopeless, when i see from a great distance, up on a hill, tons of people in tattered clothes slowly pouring in. the "minutiae" (?), or refugees, were forcibly removed from russia and sent back here. i feel like i am hearing this as an announcement over a loudspeaker as it happens. it is a devestating event, a travesty of human rights.
i wander alone along a balcony. i contemplate jumping off but the water is too shallow, it's just a shallow pool of clear water, from here i can see fishes and the tiles on the bottom.
i feel like the mourning period for brandon's girlfriend lasts a few days... finally one day we are in the tavern and he's weeping over her and she just opens her eyes and starts laughing. she was never dead, it was just a joke. "didn't you read my blood letter?" she sticks out her tongue, and brandon scrolls through, reading the words there. he starts laughing too, and everything is okay. i am infuriated, i['m screaming at her, calling her an idiot and an imbecile and heartless. the two of them, and everyone else in the town, think i'm overreacting, being stupid. i nearly throttle the bitch. finally i just leave, feeling ridiculous.
i am wading in the shallow pool with a little kid (the same from earlier?) schools of tiny fishes keep swimming through my underwear, and i have to push them out of my pussy. i feel like htis scene has already happened somewhere earlier in this dream.
i end up alone and outcast in the post-apocalyptic little town. i don't know if i can go back to the tavern, and i don't know where my friends have gone. refugees are crowding in everywhere and i couldnt find room to breathe.

listening to: pitterpattering rain outside the window

another anxiety dream about work. went to some sort of convention with dr. b and maybe some friends, students? i get sick and cant actually attend, and i cant make it to work work the next day either. the reasons seemed genuine at the time, but now i cant remember them... later i ask beth if it's okay, if i'm in trouble. she says he's REALLY mad. i spend the rest of the dream avoiding him, running around terribly anxious and frantic.
morgan is in antoher part of the dream... i remember very little of what we talked about. she tries on huge solid color t-shirts (neon green) and she looks like a bell.

if the rocking chairs don't get me

last night i dreamed that i befriended a little poofball with eyes, a creature that made sure the world would continue working as it should and protected the trees, not unlike a kodama. it introduced me to the other poofball types and everything was beautiful until society created some sort of huge metal monster machines to destroy them. i tried to stop them but it was impossible.
i might have remembered more, but i woke up to the sight of two young women also waking up on my extra mattress. unexpected guests throw me off. but it was a nice day, i suppose. better than yesterday. we ate indian food buffet style and wandered around in asheville and read poems in bed. i plunged a toilet for the first time, and it was also anticlimactic.
now, all my homework is done and i'm a lonely one.

listening to: hurray for the riff raff - here it comes

tell me another one

took me forever to get to sleep... thinking about me and brett and our relationship as it slides away from us. depressed as hell and desperate for sleep. however, not sure if i had this dream until after the phone rang early this morning... slept till noon, and this is what happened:

• rainbow-- wanted to steal but felt guilty, justified it and only took a pair of socks
• bar-- hanging out with alice and laylee and friends, they leave and i stay? took a nap at a booth, later they come back and we do heroin (katherine’s birthday)-- it feels AWESOME for about 10 seconds, brett is worried
• documentary about katherine’s dad (me, katherine, and brett are making it?)
• katherine’s footage-- dad at work making faces, shots of cars in garages, women in dentist chairs with globes on their heads waiting for brain surgery (shot through glass window) then the tape turns into trailers for some old docs that were gonna be at indie memphis?? long bit about pygmies (i'm getting all the footage mixed up)
  
• cottonwood tree in grandma’s backyard in georgia (transforms to another house later?) i can look right into the flower and see the little seeds and i think this will be perfect for my shot, but how can i get ryan here?
• hippoes and treehouse in the backyard.
• confrontation with brandon in the treehouse... we talk about our relationship, but he scoffs at a lot of what i say. he calls me crazy and addicted, i try to explain the circumstances, ask “what about tom? you like him.” brandon says tom denied/downplayed his insanity/addictions while he was with steff, and now it’s all broken loose (does he say that it’s just like me? or is that implied?) and i argue that that’s not true about tom (also me?)
• we can see my mom asleep through the window
• i ask if it’s christmas and he says almost. but it feels like summer
• i think he’s wearing my grandma’s christmas shirt but actually it’s a famous artist and my grandma’s work is on a board that he moves behind him
• he chastises me about doing heroin and i explain that it was just a little and i had napped
• i tease him lightly about wanting to have sex with dogs, he denies it... then we see some dogs and his tone changes. he talks about the primal-ness of it and how it really isn’t that bad... he walks over to one by some bushes and fucks it... i am really curious and try to get closer, but i can't really see what's happening, and it’s over in seconds. how does he justify it?
• katherine offhandedly invites brandon to stay over, and later he takes her up on it.. he’ll sleep in the treehouse and she’ll sleep in the hammock in the back backyard
• weirdo nature girl agrees to sleep somewhere besides the hammock-- white flowy dress, sandals, weird underwear that showcases her thin pubes (why did i see them?)
• mom explains to me that the hippoes sleep stacked on top of each other

can't remember it coherently enough for it to be in order, or sound better, or make more sense. that's all i've got.

losing daylight

this dream might begin when my real-life phone rings and for some reason i assume it’s Will calling me about some show, and when it rings again it must be Stephen, and they need instruments or my help somehow.
i’m in a skinny living room where everyone sits on chairs and couches against the side walls, opposite each other. it’s sort of like rita’s old shotgun, but more fratty. why are we here and these guys talking to us?
we go shopping at target or somewhere. there’s a long sequence of picking out toys and dresses and sheets. are we setting up our dorm rooms? the store seems massive and white and things are arranged sort of haphazardly and there only seems to be one or two of each item. me and another girl get into a tiff about who gets the baby mice toys. i feel satisifed that i’ve picked out good stuff and sit down to each with my friends and the guys from earlier, on the other side of the store. here is a long sequence that sees a lot of my plate and a little bit of hte table conversation, about the food, which is rice and beans. the beans are a very odd texture and a sort of clay dirt red color. they seem more like lumps than beans, but i still make a comment that they’re a complete protein. one kid has to go home to get more money, presumably for food. did he spend the rest on junk? i feel like everyone has more food than me, or keeps getting seconds, and i am the slowest.
by the time i’m done eating, i have forgotten what i put into my overflowing cart. i sit down in an opposite corner in the store (front right?) to go through what i’ve decided to buy. nothing seems necessary, and i can’t believe i was planning to buy all these things. i make a huge pile of what i need to put back, i can’t understand what i was thinking. here there is some detail from earlier that i’ve forgotten, about how for some reason i have my suitcase here, and a lot of my own clothes. so another problem is that a few of my own clothes have gotten mixed in with the stuff in my cart, so i am setting those aside, too.
in my cart i find a beautiful green dress, and i look forever for hte price tag. when i find it, all the numbers are sort of rubbing off, and it’s been marked down so many times i can’t tell which is the real price. it was once $796 or something ridiculous but now it’s... $80? i can’t quite make it out, and make the decision to put it in my suitecase with my real clothes. it will be an honest mistake. in the pile, i also find a cream colored slip that doesnt look like my style so i try to katherine if its one of hers. she has her back to me, and i suppose she is busy doing something that i can’t see, but it annoys me that she doesn’t answer me. i ask her a couple of times and maybe throw the slip over to her. i’m pretty sure it wasn’t hers either. then for some reason i’m looking on the bottom of this clothes rack behind me and i find what looks like an old halloween shirt of mine. then i see that it must be my shirt because it even has my old buttons on it still. then i find another shirt of mine, from kindergarten, that has a picture of the class on it, and i find my face on it too. i feel like i am trying to prove to someone that these are my old clothes, but i can’t remember who it is or if it was just to myself. then on the shirt, there’s a scene that scans the faces of the class, who are standing on some sort of float. below the float, there is a band playing in a little row for the picture. the accordian player is a guy from the frat (john katz?) and the guy standing next to him is his brother or twin or clone. they look older although i thought they were the same age as me.
i think this somehow transitinos into another section of the dream, in which i am in some sort of class, although the room is really dark and everyone is sitting cross-legged on the floor, and i think there’s a piano. the teacher looks like patti smith and when she asks who wants to read a poem aloud, i volunteer. a couple of lines in, she steps out. since i started reading, the room seems really loud, some sort of white noise that i can’t possibly speak over. my voice can’t get louder and i can’t be heard. it’s frustrating because i really want to do a good job reading this poem, but i also find myself really struggling with the language, tripping over my tongue in a way i’m not used to. perhaps this is the nature of the poem (ex. “Gilta razors razor lipsticker”) but i feel like i am mispronouncing words and really straining to read the words in the dark and there’s all this noise, and i’m about halfway through when two kids are simultaneously trying to pass me another poem that’s being passed around, and they’re both laying these two pieces of paper on me-- my arm and shoulder, two angles. i try to ignore them and keep reading a few more lines but it just becomes so insistent, wagging the paper on me and being completely distracting, and the room seems louder and louder, and i finally just say “FUCK, YOU GUYS!” and throw up the paper and walk out of the room. i walk down an eerie dark bluey sterile hallway, totally empty, and imagine what the kids are gonna tell our teacher. i make the decision not to go back to class today.

fraction of a dream

i think i had my first obama dream last night... but i don't really remember the details, other than that we were in the same room. he was all suit and smile, and i think he was staying in my house. i was sort of hoping that more of it would come back to me as i wrote this, but it's not happening.
the night before last, i had a weird bus dream. the whole time i thought i was riding on the back seat with this kid at school, but as the dream went on, he slowly morphed into someone else. it was only at the very end as i was getting up to leave that i really looked him in the face and realized he was a stranger.
i really should start writing these things down as soon as i wake up, instead of pressing the snooze button four times and never cultivating any dream life. brett was talking to me about lucid dreams the other day and i am SO JEALOUS of people who can do that. i wish i could even remember anything about these things... then again, about a year ago, i was have REALLY intense dreams that would just leave me stunned and devastated and unable to move from bed. it really wasn't just an excuse to skip class, i am pretty sure about that. maybe other people dream like that all the time and i'm just not used to dealing with it. it was like my dream emotions were more real than whatever i would feel when i was awake, and anger in a dream would linger and make me pissed for days.
i want to ask, has anyone else had stuff like this before? but i know that i would just be talking to myself.

skipped work. skipping class. slept 10 hours and even had a dream, but it was gone before i brushed my teeth.
health center tells me that i'm not sick, but i beg to differ.
is the divacup sexy?

a wish your heart makes

I don’t normally remember anything from my dreams, and then when I do, it’s just snippets and a couple of images. Everything is blurry and far away and impossible to explain despite my efforts. For the past four nights, I’ve been attempting sleep on the beds and couches of my Georgia family. As comfortable as they’ve tried to make me, I can’t seem to get a good night’s sleep. Whether it’s because of the pills I’ve started taking regularly, or my subconscious missing my regular bed, or the pleasantly unusual weather, every night I find myself awake at 4am to hear the first crows of the roosters... and plenty more after that.
The only good thing that’s come from my wrecked sleep schedule is the dreaming. If I only sleep for a couple hours at a time, it’s a lot easier for me to remember my dreams, so I’ve been enjoying the experience. Of course, as each night passes and the fresh shadow of a dream is impressed upon my memory, the visions from previous nights start to fade and in the end, I’m left with nothing.
So before I forget any more than I already have, I wanted to tell about some things I remember from last night and this morning, because these seemed particularly relevant. I’ve already forgotten so much of it, but I’ll begin when I ask a girl if I can bum a cigarette. She gives it to me and we start walking and talking. It’s like the bell just rang on Friday afternoon and we’re part of the after school crowd, with the nearly palpable excitement and kids running everywhere. We turn right and I realize that my cigarette is unravelling, although it still retains its shape. Instead of tobacco inside, it’s this reddish-purple gauze that may have had some glitter in it. As we approach a group of kids, much younger than us, I ask her if my cigarette is alright. She says of course it is, and I watch her light a cigarette-shaped piece of purple gauze and start to smoke it. She’s sitting on a ledge next to a young boy, who promptly pulls out a long, skinny joint and lights it. I’m surprised because he’s so young and we’re right in front of the school, but I start wondering how I can get these kids to pass it to me. I turn forwards, toward the school, where an enormous mud and rock ledge rises before me. I try to start climbing it so that I can sit up there with the other kids, but I can barely lift my legs. It’s like my body refuses to listen to what I tell it, and my legs are nearly impossible to move. I can’t make it onto the ledge, so I suppose I leave.
Now one of my friends from Loyola has shown up and we’re off to find the philosophy department or something in this enormous school where everything is white marble. No one else is around. We start to walk up the stairs but my legs give up again, so we decide to take the elevator. It’s taking a long time to get to the floor we want, so my friend suggests that we go to the floor above it first, and then go down, as if this makes totally logical sense, and of course I agree. The ride up to the fourth floor is normal, if I recall correctly. We get off there and then get on another elevator to go down to the floor we need. I suppose it’s still taking a long time to get there because we both sit down against the back wall. Suddenly I’m on my belly, rapidly rolling over and over and over, unable to stop myself, my body out of control. Me and him hadn’t been sitting very far apart, but it feels like it takes forever for me to finally roll into him. My body and mind are completely disconnected, so my mind feels like it’s spinning and turning out of control, and my body seems to be doing the same, although I can’t be sure. I am not totally sure of what my body is doing, despite what it feels like, which is an unstoppable tumble that only ends when he grabs my wrists. I’m looking at the bottom of the elevator, and through holes in the floor, at some bright colors far below. I’m seeing multiples of everything and I still feel like I’m turning, even though I now know for sure that I’m not. I lie on my belly, breathing hard and my head still spinning. My friend leans onto my back and puts his arm around me, holding me steady so that I know everything is alright. I relax into his arms, staring into the elevator hole until the colors begin to sort themselves out, and I slide my hand into his. Then I wake up.

i'm really sorry i haven't been blogged the past couple days... to tarah, at least. she complained about lack of things to read. poor dear. i'm really mad at myself for not writing that lion king review yet. i think when i finally do it's going to suck, which is why i avoid it. because i can't really remember it as well as i'd like. god damn. also, i have comments now! again! it's sick how many times i've had them and taken them away. but sallis and becca said they wanted some, so we're going to try it out again. but every time people say they want them, they get underused and depressed me. so we'll see how it works out.
last night brock came over right after i discovered that the tv in the comic room was indeed alive. morgan and i thought it had been broken for like a year, and in truth she had just unplugged it. ahahahahah. okay i thought htat was funny. so brock and i played donkey kong and it was awesome. then we got restless and walked to midtown foods, were we collectively bought some chips, oreos, fig newtons, and a coconut. brock got really impatient about taking it home, and as soon as we got outside the store, he whacked it against the concrete. of course the thing exploded and there was coconut milk everywhere. brock suddenly became very lax about his no-other-lips-on-my-liquid rule. it was great. coconut is not that exciting, other than the shape and the cracking. i don't like the flavor of fake coconut, as things go, but real coconut tastes like nothing. at any rate, it's in my fridge if anyone wants some.
we watched lilo and stich, ate camy's pizza, then watched waiting for guffman. it was a really laidback kind of night, which was nice. i fell asleep literally minutes after brock left, at around 11.
morgan woke me up way too early this morning with her stupid bathwater running. agoihea. that's okay. i had a strangely funny dream about brock. all i remember is that he, morgan, her friend (could've been eileen?), and i were hanging out at our house, and then brock's mom came to get him a lot earlier than normal. we were all sad that he had to go, so she invited us back to their house for a while. in a room that i guess was supposed to be brock's, even though it was huge and not his room, we just sort of hung out or something in a way that we all fell asleep with morgan and eileen(?) on a windowseats on opposite sides of the room, and brock and i asleep on two beds pushed together in the middle. or maybe they were only pushed together when we woke up. i don't really know. so we did indeed wake up, and we were randomly alone and probably cuddling. we talked for a bit and suddenly there was this director shouting at us to start our lines. we were supposed to be doing this romantic scene. it was pretty funny. we would say this huge intense dramatic love lines and then be sort of whispering through gritted teeth how awkward it was, or how awful the director was. our scene was supposed to culminate in a kiss, but i think we somehow got too excited and overdid it. what a funny little dream.
today was Cleaning Day so that we have room for a christmas tree in the house, which we are going to get tomorrow. i did a pretty good job, in my way. i guess we all did, until we gave up. like always. aha. so around 1:30 becca called and invited me to borders to study chemistry, which i have an exam for on tuesday, so i was like hells yes! i really wanted to get out of the house, and it'd be awesome to do that in the presence of becca ...not to mention that i needed the studying. we got quite a bit done, even though we got really wrapped up in talking for a little while. it's really hard to study with someone who you don't see a whole lot because you sort of have to catch up with your talking, or something feels unfair. and either way, it wouldn't be a waste of time. she had to babysit at 5, so her dad came to get her at like 4:30. morgan's friend chase mistook me for morgan. it was very cute. his mom recognized me from grahamwood, which is funny. i always think it's funny when people recognize me. and even more funny when people mistake me for morgan! god damn! we do NOT look that much alike, and this is from a kid who sees her every damn day. i also ran into wenli and melissa t, and i got to talk to them a little. wenli asked me what she should get for brock, and i felt like such a WIFE. it was funny, especially since lately people keep saying stuff about us as Unit. morgan especially is always saying that we act married. i think people only point it out a lot because we're different genders, though.
which reminds me. brock's dad called me a dyke. HAHAHA.
today was okay though. after i went home, i just talked to brock, then laylee, then no one, then brock again on the phone. it was very very lazy, and full of yoshi. then i helped morgan with her mix cd christmas presents until brandon called, and i talked to him until about 1:20. lying in the bed and talking made me REALLY REALLY tired but as soon as i got up to hang up the phone, i lost tiredness. so i came to blog and this was supposed to make me tired, but i don't know if it's working because now i'm talking to zoe and i don't feel like i can just leave her all sad here. we'll see. god i love this album.

listening to: neutral milk hotel - oh comely

last night i accidentally dozed off doing my history homework. luckily it was a somewhat light sleep, since i had the light on and everything i guess. and i wasn't prepared for sleep which effects it, i think. anyway. i had THE most beautiful dream. it was night time and everything was rainy and becca was at my house. she had the back door open, and called me over. i looked outside and there were these two gorgeous flamingoes parading through my backyard. they had this sort of pale glow in the middle of the night and the rain. oh it was beautiful. then i (thank god) woke up at 4am, did my history outline, and went back to sleep. morgan woke me up and got me pants and gave me candy earlier this morning. she is the sweetest thing.
today is going to be awful, but i found my favorite bra. woo!

yes, faithful readers haha, i finally took a sickday. i guess i deserved it, though.
i woke up this morning, and someone had turned the light in my room on. i was facing the window, and though i figured out later that this couldn't have been true, the sky looked really yellow (it was just the light of my room though, somehow) and my whole room and my sheets and my bed and my skin were dripping with yellow. i figured that i could sleep a while longer though, so i closed my eyes. a while later, somebody turned the light off. i opened my eyes. the sky was blue, making my room and my sheets and my bed and my skin blue. it was really eerie, and i was really confused, still half-asleep. a while later, i think i woke up pretty well. the sky, of course, was white and everything in my room was the right color. it was kind of disappointing, so i just layed there in the bed until i fell asleep again. i woke up again at 11:45 and figured i should get up. maybe do some of the homework i fell asleep doing at 10 last night, which is probably the reason mom decided to let me stay home, anyway. called dad to ask him what kinda pills are best to take. since we are out of everything else, he recommended the night-time tylenol cold because i'm at home anyway, and sleeping won't hurt. until i'm up at 2am tonight with my eyes peeling out of my head. ah well. i don't think my body liked dad's perscription. i had a coughing fit as i was taking the first pill. thank god for the sink. pills start to melt after a while though. not very cool.
so now i am sitting here eating a rich chocolate brownie slimfast meal-on-the-go bar. in my snazzy new computer chair. dad said call if it falls apart.
i put brandon's cds in a little package last night to send to him. well i tried, anyway. dad bought a pack of envelopes that are barely big enough for me to stick a slim cd case in. and this time, i am sending brandon 4 cds, so i had 2 slim cases to put in there. after a long struggle, i had sucsessfully closed the package, only to discover a gash i'd created on the front of the package. god damn it. (i love saying 'god damn it' with my hoarse voice.) so i guess i'll just patch it up and everything. but we don't have any stamps... sorry, brandon. god damn me.
i'm trying to sit here and say everything i can possibly think of because i promised myself that when i stop this shit i have to go do at least some of my homework. *cough* history. god damn it. let's see. i've started to make a new, updated list of my cds. woohoo. that's pretty exciting... haha.
OH YEAH i had the craziest dream. god damn me for not remembering these things better.... i just know it had to do with like.. some band. like some mountains folk band kinda thing, featuring kristin hersh and her family. i don't know if her name was kristin hersh but i knew her by the voice. and i was doing like.. a biography kinda article about them? and i might've travelled in time. but they were really interesting. and i think i was the daughter of george bush, or something, because in my article thing i wrote something about despite the ideas of my father mr. bush, i've made my own opinion about the Such And Such Family's band. i LOVED them, of course. so i finished my article (which i wrote onto a CD?) and then some people appeared. i might've kissed brock... i only remember that he was there and that there was a Vibe. but i know i made him give me a piggyback ride, across a river.

listening to: the magnetic fields - 100,000 fireflies

pull this thread as i walk away

my teeth hurt like ANYTHING. it's really uncool. i had oral surgery last thursday, and last night right before i went to bed they started hurting more than they have hurt all week. and it's so sad too because i actually attempted to eat pizza last night, and succeeded fairly well. oh well. so i'm back to pasta (cheesy alfredo by kraft). i already ate all the pudding. dad doesn't want me to take the strong painkillers until he comes home from work, god knows why not. kroger's extra strength Pain Reliever does NOT do any good, let me tell you. i just had crazy memories of my dream from last night about. i dont know. i remember people from OOVTT and going into this little miniature jungle petting zoo, except that the lions were out to get me. it took me forever and ever to get to sleep last night, and then i had to get haunted by a crazy dream. wonderful.

other things alanna remembers about last night:
--thinking that if the cd (house tornado by throwing muses) ended before i fell asleep, i would get up and finish feed
--deciding to partially resurrect the cam archives, for lack of things to do
--reminding myself that i could musically link kristin hersh to frank black. like in the six degrees of kevin bacon. i think i fell asleep while i was doing it though, because i don't ever remember getting there. or maybe i got side-tracked trying to make it longer than four degrees.

slide down your reciever, sprint across the wire

i stayed home sick today. it's kind of funny because i don't feel all that bad, but no one woke me up to go to school this morning and it was like 10 when i woke myself up. i had an insane dream where we had to leave our village because someone was going to like squish it or something and they weren't going to tell us because they thought it would be too much of a hassle so someone found out (i think it was my mom?) and we all evacuated (the families, and all these birds) to this wal-mart that was like 2730598230958259038 miles away. through this forest path thing and over a field. and then i guess we discovered that we hadn't brought our pets or something? i don't know. i just sort of filled that in. because the next thing i can remember is that we were sending out messages or something or waiting for our pets to come. ...... right so after a long period of time in the wal-mart, one night we went outside because someone had spotted something or whatever and we looked and we saw that a couple of dogs had come out of this forest and run down a hill that was like a mile PAST the wal-mart and they'd figured it out or something and had come out and were turning around. and you could SEE that one of them was bonnie and one was irie (the dogs of my family) and they were bounding along all happy and then all of a sudden this HUGE stream of dogs just runs out of the forest and down the hill and towards the wal-mart and everyone's like crying all happy because the dogs found their way to wal-mart and weren't squished in the village. and i think i woke up shortly after that, after everyone was reunited with their dog, but i remember that some people were watching out for the little trail of cats to come. and i half-woke up and i was thinking about how ridiculous a little trail of cats would be. like how they wouldnt be able to organize themselves and how they would walk along for like two minutes and they all lie down for a nap break. because dogs are yuppy like that and they're 'faithful' or whatever and the cats would just be taking their goddamn time. anyway it was very strange.

aLittleStarlight:lol really
AmereStatistic:lol yeah
aLittleStarlight:i'm not surprised

i just rememberd that in my dream i went to a radiohead concert