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Saturday, December 04, 2010

last night almost turned out to be the night.
katherine, brett, and i go out to chao praya for delicious thai and watch fast, cheap, and out of control at brett's house, which i don't think i like. after a gin and tonic and a couple of hours of channel surfing, i drop katherine off at her house and head home around 2am. for some reason i call brett, i guess to rant about how depressed i am and how awful the universe is. why did we watch that movie, that television? why is everything the worst reality it could be?
a grey cat shape is running right in front of my car. a wild sound ravages my throat, and i'm braking as hard as i can. it happens so fast, not fast enough. i open the door and poke out my head but can't see anything. i wonder if she's under the car, so i inch forward a little bit. the phone has hung up. there is the sound of whimpering, a squeaking chirping sound. what have i done how could i do this how can i go on how do i fix it. i'm rushing to get out of the car, almost forgetting to put it in park. behind the car, the middle of the lane, a raccoon, no two. two raccoons somehow saw the fallen cat and took immediate advantage. how can i help? am i capable of taking two raccoons? nature is cruel, maybe this is out of my hands, maybe it's up to them. i can scare them away, i walk towards them, three raccoons unhook themselves and scatter. no bodies, no blood. there's another car coming, it passes without slowing down. by now brett must have called back; i'm in such a shock, just start driving still debating what to do. brett says if they left the road they're fine, but i tell him that most of the roadkill i've seen is on the shoulder, in the gutter. i make it all the way back home before turning around to check for a body. what could i even do with it? i keep asking. my voice is hoarse and my eyes are dry for now. completely disoriented, i keep getting my landmarks mixed up and directions confused. the road by east high is dark, black. where did it happen? i wonder if each blemish of pavement is smeared blood.
brett assures me: i see no bodies, i felt no bump. i assure him, we live a miserable existence.