Monday, September 26, 2005

I owe her $12.50 thereabouts. I owe her apologies and words I don't have. Say. I could not find my place so easily among your cloudy breathren, the stairway to heaven is a dorm fire escape, and I am afraid of heights. I fucked up and got fucked up, I'm sorry. I felt alone when you were there, I'm sorry. Did I push you away? Did I embarrass you? Today is Monday. The weekend was a blur of smoke, stairs, and conversations that I had no place in. Should I have fallen off the fire escape? No, it was not far enough. What is far enough: the distance I have helped create between us. The silence in the noise without our voices together. The empty corner of a couch where we used to sit. I talk to your fringe dwellers, on the fringe where I belong. I see you from across a desert, tearless and aching to be fed. (At this time yesterday I was in your bed. You didn't want to cuddle me that night, and the night before I slept alone. Remember when we had innoence, when we spooned and traded secrets? Ballet moves on the carpeted floor? I miss these things and you.) The changes here are innumerable. I think I have ruined my prospects of ever fitting in again, I feel our group has been torn now truthfully -- look at all this separate change, we will never come together again. You love them more, just say. Say. In a world where I become my grandmother, where am I to find change? There's none in my pockets and I still owe you $12.50 so it would seem I'm in a bind. Bound by time and place restrictions, bound down to the thick pavement of Memphis ground. My boots hit hard each block of pavement, this is all I can do not to cry. I read about history and write about movies. There is no solace here when the day ends, I have nothing new except the count of tears in my well, just waiting. I don't shed tears in front of people on the bus, in the classroom, on the walk home, on the phone, or even in my bed these days. I know that I'm crying but no one else does -- they can't see what isn't there. I keep smiling. I say I'm doing well, my classes challenge me, I have made friends. These could not be bigger lies. All I want is to share this, what they all have that I have been denied. Is nature trying to scream to me? Go back, this was not meant for you. This happiness was not yours to know.
Maybe I'll see him on the next train, I'm dying to skip this town. I know what and where happiness hides. I will make it one day. Baby, please wait. I am coming.

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