enjoy some tunes while you guzzle down all this emo content

Saturday, December 27, 2003

becca, i figure i'm not going to speak to you again before we leave, so here's the tracklist for the mix i gave you... it's strange because i made it so quickly. sorry, dear.
01) lunachicks - jan brady
02) tragically hip - hockey song
03) stratford 4 - hydroplane
04) the moonbabies - we're layabouts
05) sarah dougher - no-handed
06) the kills - hitched
07) stina nordenstam - the diver
08) loquat - swingset chain
09) rhett miller - nervous heart
10) mecca normal - ice floes aweigh
11) gomez - we haven't turned around
12) kristin hersh - cathedral heat
13) sarah harmer - you were here
14) jen faith - microorganism
15) loki - six feet of space
16) murmurs - squeezebox days
17) team dresch - remember who you are
18) pj harvey - yuri-g
19) mineral - gloria
20) ember swift - boinked

(make your own mix!! click on the track numbers to download mp3s of the listed songs, orrr click on the parentheses up next to the title to get a different song by the same artist. either way, you are well on your way to having a complete cd.)

listening to: throwing muses - pretty or not
i've been such a bad poster, what with christmas and all...
i guess i will cut down on my cheap time and just say what i got:
-ipod! (santa)
-earrings (santa)
-eggplant shaker (santa)
-bubble wrap (to make my stocking look fuller than it was)
-new placebo album (morgan)
-director's series (dad)
-lovely pillow (mom)
-uniform clothes (mom)
and i can't think of anything else. it was a nice slow day, and i played with my ipod a lot. hooray. today i woke up and finished becca's gift and dropped it off at her house. i wish she'd been there, so that i could say goodbye before i leave, and so that i could explain that gift... aha oh well. then mom and i went to animax to get a present for my cousin luke, and i called brock to find out when i could see him. we were rapidly leaving his district, plus i didn't really have anything for him yet, so we went to the drum shop and bookstar where i got him a banana shaker, a music magazine, and a terry pratchett book (which was mom's idea). he got me the missy elliott album, which i am excited to listen to.
we picked him up and he came over for the rest of the lovely night. we watched a lot of my director's series video thingies, and we LOVE michel gondry. chris cunningham is creepy, and i was kind of disappointed with spike jonze. i can't wait to get other stuff from this label. it's a really awesome idea, and just what i've been really into lately. plus we love bjork because not only does she have great music, she is adorable. oh le sigh. so we did that, and just hung out in general, and acted silly, and ate pizzas. eileen came over for a few hours, too, so that she could see morgan before we left town. oh i love that little mushroom girl. i wish she could come over more often. we all went and danced in the street. brock threw leaves into the light of the streetlamp and it was beautiful. i love all those kids. we should live in a big house on a hill, with moss and cameras.
"come here baby, let me kiss you like a guy does!" -- kathleen hanna

listening to: bikini kill - new radio

Thursday, December 25, 2003

i'm wayyyyy too lazy to blog... hung out with brock and morgan last night. i can't remember what happened. all i know is i've got christmas eve nugnug juice, i finished editting that fucking movie, and i have finished enough presents to last through tomorrow. i deserve so much fucking sleep. and someone to snuggle with in my cold, empty bed. oh i'm so lonely on christmas eve. not fair.

listening to: rainer maria - put me to sleep

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

christ i'm going nuts with editting... and you're all sick of hearing about it.

listening to: the b-52's - planet claire (for the millionth time)
i am wearing my fun winter socky things and EDITTING EDITTING EDITTING like a madwoman

listening to: alex-"no rhythm"-ander on the djembe

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

"......you and i are both ugly...." -- quoth my dear sister
oh i love her. that thing made my day. i haven't laughed so hard in a millenia.
i stayed up till damn 2am editting... i just couldn't stop -- until nsync came on. then i ran to bed.
i am being forced to a haircut appointment this afternoon and i don't know what to do. i'll probably just shove my head at susan and say "SNIP SNIP!" we'll see.

break things to do:
-edit country spacecraft ballerina
-edit cindy movie
-edit much finer
-shoot documentary about our relatives
-help morgan work on her animation video
-get my driving permit
-hang out with all my lovers
-read
-cd shopping with brock
-make photos for mom
-buy/make presents for like 30 people
-wrap presents
-somehow find time for christmas

listening to: the fellowship of the ring
katherine and i are ALMOST done with "much finer." we finally have all the shots and everything is ready to be done. if only if only.

everyone has been filming madly over the past few days to finish our cinderella remake. now we're incredibly tired and katherine is out of town, so editting hasn't started yet. but when it does... look out.

Monday, December 22, 2003

just talked to brock on the phone for almost 3 hours. played yoshi. absolutely mutilated my neck. made a mile-high pile of cat hair. found lots of bruises and discovered that my knee is also turning pink. times are good.

listening to: liars - we live NE of compton
I'M SO GLAD I GOT TO SEE TARAH!!!!
we hung out around cooper-young and had a chat over cheese fries. i also had a therapy appointment today. i definitely don't want to talk about that, though. mom is making me edit "country spacecraft" because she wants to take it to the relatives. woo boy. i've got another hour to edit or something. fuck.

listening to: blue mountain - let's go runnin'
i've killed the movie and i don't know how. i stayed up way later than i meant to. again. i have had a horrible day. i think i will go die.
my leg is itching like hell. it's been doing this on and off every few hours for the last couple weeks. i don't know if i have mentioned it. that itch on my chest never went away either. i am starting to get itches/red spots on all the places where i have birthmarks. it's very strange. brock keeps telling me to get it looked at. he thinks i'm full of cancer.

listening to: chicks on speed - for all the boys in the world

Sunday, December 21, 2003

i should have had the greatest day. it seems like a day entirely full of phone calls, movies, and partying should be entirely great. i guess it was the lack of sleep, but for most of today i was really unhappy. the majority of the time i probably didn't seem unhappy because i was trying to make the best of it. but damn. i felt constantly either annoyed, lonely, or depressed.... i think i should go to bed earlier tonight.
after i woke up this morning, i called brock to see about being my "date" to zoe's party (which he could not be), and katherine to see about filming. i ended up on the phone for a large part of the day, until katherine came here around 2. i was going to zoe's party at 3, and working to finish her gift (the liner notes for a cd of becca's show). katherine and morgan were somewhat distracting in getting it done, and then the printer was being a murderer, so it was 4:30 before me and mom (the only family members who ended up going to the party) got there and we only stayed for about 40 minutes. it was nice getting to see zoe, however briefly. we got back home, where katherine and morgan were attempting to edit the movie. sallis came over at 5:30 and we shot his and morgan's scenes. brock came around 7 and we shot his and morgan's scene. sallis left to pick up allison -- we had devised an evil plot to get her to my house. at about 4, allison and called and said her dad wouldn't let her come to film, just whitney hubbard's party at 8. we were like "WHAT THE FUCK" so we got him to drop her off at the hotel where the party was half an hour early so that sallis could come get her and we could film the last scenes of the movie. it was way too complicated, and i was already irritated.
luckily, everything worked out and we got everything shot. at 9, katherine's dad picked up lauren henry and then got everyone (except sallis, who went home, and morgan, who stayed home) from my house and took us to the party. i hadn't really thought about what the party was going to be like, so i can't say that it wasn't what i expected. it's what i SHOULD have been expecting, and i wish i'd thought about it beforehand because if i had, i wouldn't have gone. it was basically just undanceable hiphop music and strange punch. katherine, lauren, allison, brock, and i danced in a little clump to the best of our ability. it got really really really old though. we stood around. we attempted more dancing. there was sex on the dancefloor which allison filmed. etc etc. brock and i got bored off our asses and went to get cake, but as we were about to sit, a song he really liked came on so he went to dance for a few songs. he had a great time doing... i won't say what. but he's also very much a people watcher. later on, it really bothered me that when the five of us were dancing his head was constantly turned around. oh well. people notice him.
so i sat there alone with my cake and got really unhappy. that's basically it. katherine, lauren, and allison came over eventually, but it didn't really do any good. we went back out to dance after a while, like i said before. brock was doing his amazing eggbeater shake during that milkshake song, and this girl (a great dancer -- i'd been noticing her all night) came over to dance with him. apparently she was trying to grind with him but he turned around and she was like "no no no!" and he thought she had gone away or something. and then me, being a total fucking idiot, grabbed him and said in his ear "YOU'RE SO HOT!" but apparently it looked like i was going "MINE!!" and being possessive and pissed off. no wonder that girl was looking at me. i feel really bad about that. i feel like that's something brock is really concious of -- that people think we're together, so he conciously tries to avoid looking like that. and i fucked up his dance with that girl. man i'm awful.
later, we were all dancing in a group again and this guy came up and it sounded like i said "can i join in" or something so i sort of opened up a space for him in our circle. apparently, however, he was asking to dance? so he ended up with lauren. it was pretty funny, but i felt bad. also during that, i had sort of given up (again) on not having a good time and dancing my little heart out. well, as best i could to that shitty music. all i know is that some tall guy was doing some strange thing behind me and i think he was making worlds of fun of me, but i couldn't see him so. but after that i felt like an annoyed, lonely, depressed idiot. i left at 11, feeling awful. i am still in a terrible mood. god that party was a bad idea. a bad end to what would have been an at least remotely bad day. i'm annoyed at myself for not having more fun. but fuck.

listening to: le tigre - writing on the walls
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU, TARAH! WEEEEEE!!

listening to: le tigre - yr critique
ahhhh i'm SO excited about movies!! i don't want to write a very long post, because i want to go edit "much finer" and then import all the new footage for the new movie. last night brock, wesley, morgan, and i met up with foot and co. at paradiso to see return of the king, only to discover that jackie douglas's entire birthday crew was also there. it would've been nice to sit altogether, but what with it being sold out, it was impossible. i had a great time being Movies with brock, as per usual, and he got veeeery into it, which made me glad, because he hasn't really liked the other movies. so at least now he understands. after the movie, we stood outside with jackie's party crew, and i did my stupid Loud Obnoxious Alanna thing... i wish people would hurt me when i do that. morgan went home with foot, and shortly after i got home myself, katherine came over. we editted like mad even though it was almost midnight. we made 2am cookies and props for the movie, editted, filmed, etc. it was awesome, and even though we were up till 4 we accomplished worlds. we got up at 10am and worked some more. then we had our awesome tailgate party... it was a tiny success in its own right. i can't wait to show you guys some footage. wee! thanks SOOOOO MUCH to everyone who got to be there, and all you kids who couldn't come-- we missed you desparately. the best part was our spice girls choreography. and sallis, i made you dance! like a mutha!! i hope you don't hate me... but you were good at it. (sallis needs a lesson from kimberly. serious.) so then brock, morgan, and i came back here where brock washed off his makeup and his mom took us back to their house, where we 'babysat' wesley i.e. we talked about cartoons, i looked at his yu-gi-oh cards, and we all watched "pirates of the caribbean." this had been the night we planned to watch "y tu mama" BUT brock wanted to bring a sort of 'cover' movie from my house, and we ended up picking something wesley really wanted to watch. but it turned out very well because brock had wanted to see it anyway. we also listened to avril lavigne and laughed our asses off. ("my thoughts are so deep sometimes i can't speek" and i'm not kidding about that line.) then dad came. and here i am. and shit i've gotta edit. muthafuck.
what do i give whitney hubbard for a gift?
.......air

listening to: le tigre - get off the internet

Saturday, December 20, 2003

EVERYONE COME TO A STAGED PARTY AND BE AN EXTRA IN OUR MOVIE.
u of m parking lot (across from the music building)
2pm
we NEED you!!! (and a portable grill if you have one, because that would be hysterical.)
....there will be cookies....

listening to: coast to coast on 600am

Friday, December 19, 2003

i have a headache. i hope i survive lord of the rings. maybe i should shower.
i can't remember why i stayed up so late. fuck.
someone better call and wake me up.
i couldn't make any more cookies because we are out of chocolate chips.
SALLIS. YOU'RE SO HOT. DID YOU KNOW?

listening to: sleater-kinney - all hands on the bad one
can everyone i know PLEASE come over and watch this pixies documentary i downloaded with me? i'm totally up for having a party for it. oh god please. that would be so much fun. probably to no one but me. but who cares about that?
brock and i are going to watch y tu mama tambien tomorrow if he can get a ride over here.... anyone is invited. please come.

listening to: sleater-kinney - good things
today was very good! i took my Ugly Cookies to school, and they were a bigger hit than i expected. becca really liked them, at least. i was really disappointed that i fucked them up again, but i think i'm going to try to make them again tonight or tomorrow. take bets on whether or not i'll fuck them up again. also, i gave tarah her present, but i don't know if she liked it. i didn't get to talk to her. oh well. i am a terrible artist anyway. i felt really silly that my make-up presents were supposed to be those cookies, and they turned out so fucking awful. i need to get real gifts. why am i so dumb? i was a super loud idiot at lunch today... i think it was the cookies and all these people i don't usually have lunch with. it would be really awesome to see them all every day (with a couple exceptions) but it made me really hyper and obnoxious, i'm sure.
i only had one exam, which i FINISHED. hell yes. that's probably because it was algebra, and we were allowed to omit two problems from every unit. that was really cool. there was one problem i couldn't figure out, and it really bothered me. aroighe. but aside from that. after study hall and algae, we had a holiday program. it was really the dumbest scheduling idea in the world. we should've had a half day to begin with, but sticking 2000 restless kids in an auditorium for a couple hours for christmas songs is ridiculous. mansfield got really pissed off at everybody being disrespectful, but what was anyone supposed to do?
thank god for kevin's hair, or else i never ever would've found him, laylee, and becca to sit with. and thank god i happened to see brock striding into the auditorium, so he and sallis came over also. katherine also appeared when the band concert was over, in which she performed a beautiful oboe solo on some lullaby christmas ditty. we filmed some silly things, and had a good time in general.
after school, we went to ms. kitts' classroom to film a scene for the new movie, and it went very well. we had time to do a few takes, both my way and katherine's way. it's nice to do that, so we can compromise later. i LOVE movies with katherine. it's too too great. since tim jackson refused the part of prince charming, brock has taken over. he is actually very good. well. he hasn't any lines yet, but. i got a feeling. ms. kitts was very very sweet and flattering as usual. she introduces me and brock as "poets," and katherine has a "dancer." since we're "filmmakers" she was kind enough to actually let us use her classroom to be really silly. i'm SO glad that allison accepted the part of cinderella, because she is HYSTERICAL. i'm a lot more excited about this than i was before today. the funny thing is that we basically have just this weekend to do the whole movie, because katherine is going out of town on monday afternoon, and we want to enter it in the international film festival. hooray! it's a lot like romeo + juliet revisted, only with a couple more days, a little more practice, bigger cast, more originality, etc. i should shut up about this, and just wait to post the movie or something. how hot is that?! oh while i'm talking about it. you can download the song we made for the scene right here.
we filmed another scene featuring katherine, alice, and brock. it was too much damn fun. we got yelled at by some black teacher lady with cow-print tweety bird car-seat covers. i rolled around in some leaves and climbed into a shopping cart that someone had abandoned (thrown) into one of those courtyard things in front of the school. then we walked to high point coffee, where katherine's mom picked us up, took alice home, and drove the three of us to my house. we sat around. i can't even remember what we did, other than a little editting and this. oh yeah, i scream/sung "little mouth" for them. i don't think i've ever done that with people actually home. but katherine was like "wow you need to front a band" and i laughed and laughed. but it got us into a music mood, and they went and found my guitar. i don't even know where that shit was. how do these people manage to navigate my house better than me? so my family had gone to see return of the king, alice and lauren h came over after a while, and we had a lovely time. we recorded aforementioned song, and it was awesome. it was a really fun, productive night. i wish every day was so nice and winter.

listening to: it's soooo fuzzyyyyy

Thursday, December 18, 2003

I KILLED MY COOKIES. I'M SO FUCKING UPSET.

listening to: npr
i just wanted to pop in quickly to mention--
1) tarah gave me my christmas present today, and it is AWESOME. i love that girl. i intend to take a picture of it soon, to show off.
2) i made tarah's christmas present. it's insane how long that shit took me!! i'll post it after i've given it to her.
3) i made fucking sleepytime cookies for everyone i don't have a present for yet (the population of the universe). those bitches better appreciate alanna slaving over a stove at 11pm, licking sugar off the whisk. hot damn!

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

has it been a while since i posted? i can't remember, so i am assuming yes.
exams are going on and on and i drink my coke and jews. all i can say about chem and the lingua latina is that they're over. today i had ap engrish and ap u.s. goodbye life. each of them had a huge multiple choice section and an essay. history was WAY more painful than english. with english, if you do shitty then that's about it. there's no way you can prepare for the test, so you just sort of stare at your grades and shrug. but with history, i swear to god. i studied with margaret at her house last night, and studied the rest of the night until i fell asleep, pausing only to talk to brock on the phone. for like an hour. that's okay. so i spent the whole day, when i wasn't doing my english exam or eating, i studied history. and i think i failed. it's pissing me off, but i'm not going to let it bother me too much.
i don't really have anything else to say. only one exam tomorrow... i would just check in/out for it, but we are filming, plus katherine is playing in the holiday program. hooray! ahh remember the days of ninth grade? reminisce with me.
alice just gave me the link to mr. fox's blog. hell yes.
i need to do all my fucking christmas presents tonight. any ideas? fuck. who wants to have a solstice party ass with me? yeah you heard right. holly up the ass.

listening to: against me! - impact

Monday, December 15, 2003

i came because i thought there was something to say, but now i can't think of it. only that there's all kinds of hairs in my apple jews, and it's getting gross.
I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT MOVIES! today we worked a lot on Cindy (idea-wise, sadly) and brock had a music idea for "get off the internet" by le tigre. morgan had the idea that we should do a sort of documentary about our southern georgian relatives, featuring a making of for Rabid Beaver since the real movie got fucked up.
chemistry and latin exams tomorrow.... NOOooooo. fuck. the latin is a lot more overwhelming than i thought it would be. but i guess that's what i deserve for taking it as a joke all damn year. so now i have all this vocabulary to memorize and all these clauses and parts of speech and tenses and bullshit. i'm not even going to look at chemistry again. and you can forget "early" studying for history and algebra because fuck that's not happening. okay i need to shut up about school so that i can go do the damn work, drink my jews, and go the fuck to bed.
sorry for such a schooly post. i hate these bitches.
ck's and chemistry with becca for 5 hours makes alanna a very smoky-smelling girl. and daddy complained allllll the way home.
must chem-ate some more. ruff ruff.

listening to: documentary about altman guy

Sunday, December 14, 2003

mom asked me to see which christmas lights worked and i fucking BURNED MY HAND. TWICE. good god.
morgan threw orange rinds at me and i'm disgusted.

listening to: dexy's midnight runners - come on eileen
oh my fucking gooooddddd why am i awake?!

listening to: owl & the pussycat - blinds
i think there's coke in my hair
i'm really sorry i haven't been blogged the past couple days... to tarah, at least. she complained about lack of things to read. poor dear. i'm really mad at myself for not writing that lion king review yet. i think when i finally do it's going to suck, which is why i avoid it. because i can't really remember it as well as i'd like. god damn. also, i have comments now! again! it's sick how many times i've had them and taken them away. but sallis and becca said they wanted some, so we're going to try it out again. but every time people say they want them, they get underused and depressed me. so we'll see how it works out.
last night brock came over right after i discovered that the tv in the comic room was indeed alive. morgan and i thought it had been broken for like a year, and in truth she had just unplugged it. ahahahahah. okay i thought htat was funny. so brock and i played donkey kong and it was awesome. then we got restless and walked to midtown foods, were we collectively bought some chips, oreos, fig newtons, and a coconut. brock got really impatient about taking it home, and as soon as we got outside the store, he whacked it against the concrete. of course the thing exploded and there was coconut milk everywhere. brock suddenly became very lax about his no-other-lips-on-my-liquid rule. it was great. coconut is not that exciting, other than the shape and the cracking. i don't like the flavor of fake coconut, as things go, but real coconut tastes like nothing. at any rate, it's in my fridge if anyone wants some.
we watched lilo and stich, ate camy's pizza, then watched waiting for guffman. it was a really laidback kind of night, which was nice. i fell asleep literally minutes after brock left, at around 11.
morgan woke me up way too early this morning with her stupid bathwater running. agoihea. that's okay. i had a strangely funny dream about brock. all i remember is that he, morgan, her friend (could've been eileen?), and i were hanging out at our house, and then brock's mom came to get him a lot earlier than normal. we were all sad that he had to go, so she invited us back to their house for a while. in a room that i guess was supposed to be brock's, even though it was huge and not his room, we just sort of hung out or something in a way that we all fell asleep with morgan and eileen(?) on a windowseats on opposite sides of the room, and brock and i asleep on two beds pushed together in the middle. or maybe they were only pushed together when we woke up. i don't really know. so we did indeed wake up, and we were randomly alone and probably cuddling. we talked for a bit and suddenly there was this director shouting at us to start our lines. we were supposed to be doing this romantic scene. it was pretty funny. we would say this huge intense dramatic love lines and then be sort of whispering through gritted teeth how awkward it was, or how awful the director was. our scene was supposed to culminate in a kiss, but i think we somehow got too excited and overdid it. what a funny little dream.
today was Cleaning Day so that we have room for a christmas tree in the house, which we are going to get tomorrow. i did a pretty good job, in my way. i guess we all did, until we gave up. like always. aha. so around 1:30 becca called and invited me to borders to study chemistry, which i have an exam for on tuesday, so i was like hells yes! i really wanted to get out of the house, and it'd be awesome to do that in the presence of becca ...not to mention that i needed the studying. we got quite a bit done, even though we got really wrapped up in talking for a little while. it's really hard to study with someone who you don't see a whole lot because you sort of have to catch up with your talking, or something feels unfair. and either way, it wouldn't be a waste of time. she had to babysit at 5, so her dad came to get her at like 4:30. morgan's friend chase mistook me for morgan. it was very cute. his mom recognized me from grahamwood, which is funny. i always think it's funny when people recognize me. and even more funny when people mistake me for morgan! god damn! we do NOT look that much alike, and this is from a kid who sees her every damn day. i also ran into wenli and melissa t, and i got to talk to them a little. wenli asked me what she should get for brock, and i felt like such a WIFE. it was funny, especially since lately people keep saying stuff about us as Unit. morgan especially is always saying that we act married. i think people only point it out a lot because we're different genders, though.
which reminds me. brock's dad called me a dyke. HAHAHA.
today was okay though. after i went home, i just talked to brock, then laylee, then no one, then brock again on the phone. it was very very lazy, and full of yoshi. then i helped morgan with her mix cd christmas presents until brandon called, and i talked to him until about 1:20. lying in the bed and talking made me REALLY REALLY tired but as soon as i got up to hang up the phone, i lost tiredness. so i came to blog and this was supposed to make me tired, but i don't know if it's working because now i'm talking to zoe and i don't feel like i can just leave her all sad here. we'll see. god i love this album.

listening to: neutral milk hotel - oh comely

Thursday, December 11, 2003

HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I HATE LIFE?

okay break for a minute--
robitussin am: seriously. we could take over the world
robitussin am: or at least the greater metropolitan area
robitussin am: i don't think you understand our combined potential

listening to: the make up - c'mon, let's spawn

so last night i hurt my eye somehow.. i don't really know. but i felt like it just had something in it so i took a really damn long shower trying to get it out. but it would not get out. mom said it looked like i had cut it somehow... and that brock had called, so we had a really really nice long conversation until 10:30. then he had to go to bed, and i had to do homework. it was really hard to read fucking faulkner with my eye feeling so weird. dad came in to tell me goodnight and said maybe i should stay home tomorrow. i was like "maybe...." because the last few times i've been absent, i've felt really guilty for it. but i ended up falling asleep not even halfway through the reading assignment, and still latin and history left to do. i woke up at like 2:30 in the morning, cleaned off the damn bed, and went back to sleep. i vaguely remember mom and/or dad coming in to wake me up this morning, and them deciding it would be better if i stayed home today. i didn't wake up until 1, when mom called to check up on me. my eye feels a lot better, but i obviously needed the damn sleep, so i'm glad i stayed home. i hope i'm not missing too much har har har har har.

listening to: air - bathroom girl

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

you looked to be a bird to me
you said you’d teach me to fly
you asked me to shake my cat skin
for you, i gladly abliged
in my sudden unprotection, cold, alone
you saw my vulnerablity
you snatched away what you could take
i’m left without my screams

you rode in and saved my day
when it was a convenient use of time
when you needed me, i jumped hurtles
i raced rivers, i went blind
then when i would call you up
you conveniently declined
my dreams fell through nets of hope
before i finally fell to mine

tap tap tap were your hands on the steering wheel
blue turns black when i see what is really real
back back back to when i’m free
so you’re a rat rat rat -- i hate what has become of me

when dish and spoon eloped together
they just sent the cow to the moon
the cat and the bat became runaways today
and left the rat to its own
we run we’ll run through every field
we’ll go everywhere in eyesight
with your false wings, you can’t limit us
we’ll be everything in starlight

tap tap tap were your hands on the steering wheel
blue turns black when i see what is really real
back back back to when i’m free
so you’re a rat rat rat -- i hate what has become of me
rat rat rat! you're digging through the trash, i see

call the sun
ask him if he’s up for it
call the sea
to help us find a place to fit......
call the cat cat cat!
the kitty’s got a game to play
cat cat cat, chase the mousies all away
i just found out that the co-op art house has moved to sunday nights at 8. that is bad for me because it means i'll be able to go even less regularly than i did last year. oh well. i was thinking about maybe going to the thing there this saturday, though. anyone up for that mess?
today is okay. i have apple juice, so all is well. i got online last night after katherine left, and brandon's away message was something about "waiting for lovertits for days" and talking to him was just awesome.
i can't remember anything else that happened today, except that i got a 71 on a chemistry test and i'm really nervous about that grade. i had a 55 on my progress report. i'm hoping to pass the test on friday, but i've also got the ap u.s. and english tests to worry about. fuckaaa i really shouldn't be online. it's okay because i'm in an okay mood. i think it's at least partially because of Happy Tuesday last night... that was great. unfortunately, katherine didn't get home until about 10:30 and she told her parents we'd been working on movies, not studying. so now she isn't allowed to drive for a long time. it's bad. i hope we can still DO the movie.... it's going to be tough, because we have to get everything filmed before break if we want to enter the film festival. if you want to help with ideas, shooting, or acting please let us know. or if you've got a hamster.
also katherine said my comment on ted's blog encouraged her to also post... i like that. it felt weird to be reading it without his knowledge. i encourage everyone to do that with every blog. ted wants to do recycle stuff around the school, and katherine and i offered to a video for the announcements. that'd be pretty interesting.
okay. i better get out of here.
OH YEAH THOUGH. morgan has a new blog. she wants readers. do it. (she made me edit that image really fucking fast. i hope she lets me fix it.)

listening to: the postal service - the district sleeps alone tonight

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

katherine just went home. she came and picked me up around 7 or something and we went to starbucks and talked about movies. then we went to the cyber cafe and worked on the plot of our cinderella remake. at like 9, we decided it was late and time for her to take me home. she ended up coming inside to see morgan, and we talked a little about the movie, but had a HUGE great conversation. she just left, and i'm in a great mood.

starbucks beauty of the day--
mysterious indian guys: are you guys writing a play?
us: no... a movie
mysterious indian guys: for a course?
us: no... we are actually supposed to be studying.
mysterious indian guys: everyone else is studying, you are different.
oo-de-lally, i have a craving for one of those new sonic blasts. oh hell. oh oh. i'm hungry and starving, happy and bleeding. oh oh oh ohoh ohohhhhhh i hate tex wex. fuck.
today was actually a pretty decent day. go figure. i think i was still glowing from the weekend, to an extent. it was a very good weekend. le sigh. plus i was still feeling very Band because of talking with margaret on thursday night, so i tried to write a song in study hall. aha.
school was school. homework was homework i.e. it's nowhere near being done. in between was a phone call with brock, pancakes for dinner, and a really good session of therapy. part of why it went well, i think, was that it was the first time in FOREVER that i have been there without mom, so talking felt easier. i am terrified to say anything when she's in there, for some reason. also what we talked about today really jumped around, we weren't just stuck on anxiety things like usual. i talked about Incident Of Weekend that i knew mom would've wanted me to mention, even though i almost forgot to aha.
(when i got home yesterday after spending the night at laylee's, mom interrogated me and asked if i behaved. i said "yes!" 50 gazillion times, but she said i looked guilty so i finally told her that people had wine but that i didn't have any. so she gave me more drinking lectures which turned into sex lectures. it was really funny.) i liked how lady told me to handle it from now on, though. sometimes her suggestions make me vomit, but this one i liked and mom did too -- i am supposed to be able to call mom and tell her things like "so and so is drinking, i'm not. but i want to hang out here for a while longer." and if mom is not comfortable she can come and get me from wherever, and eventually she will see that i am trustworthy and making good choices, blah blah blah. since i don't really have that much interest in drinking anyway it doesn't really matter. but whatever. it's more about mom than me. and it would be really cool if i could be more close to her, i think. i mean christ she's going to be around for a while, you know? i should get used to her.
then i, for some reason, mentioned that a bunch of people i know are on medication and/or go to therapy, and brock and i had discussed the other day what it would be like to be presented with the choice of meds, etc. she asked if i thought i needed it, and i said no, but then i did talk about how i get depressed. i am really proud of myself for that, because it's something i haven't talked about at all in there or to anyone at home, and they never notice that kind of shit. plus mom has depression, and it's genetic. lady said really funny thing concerning genetics, as "the gift that keeps on giving" and did this cute laugh. i also made her laugh/squeak today. it was nice, but i don't know what it was about. ha. she also talked about how depression and anxiety (which are both genetic, and which my parents have respectively) go hand in hand. so i'm basically doomed. it's okay. she made me feel a lot more comfortable about the depression thing too. she said i should try to look for patterns in when i get depressed and everything, and that we can talk about them in sessions and fix things. she also said that usually for depression neither just talk therapy or just meds work, and that both are most effective. i thought that was kind of interesting.
i just realized how hysterical it is that i post all this shit about therapy on my blog. i think i'm going to kill myself now.

Sunday, December 07, 2003

alanna stewart had a great fucking weekend, hell yes!

Saturday, December 06, 2003

today fucking sucked. not for any one particular reason, but everything about school was bad. by the end of the day i was so damn depressed. we had a short spice girls dance party in the parking lot after school, but even that didn't really fix stuff. i came home alone and sat around feeling dumb. brittany called, which was the best part of the afternoon. i told her to come to becca's show, and we just talked, and it was nice. then i tried to call laylee because i was sad. i forgot she was at that thing thing. stupid me. i called brock to ask him to bring me blank video tapes so that i could film becca's show. we didn't talk very long after that so i ended up nearly taking a couple naps. i was really tired from my week of bad sleeping habits, so i guess that is good. then morgan went over to eileen's, and mom and i watched the beginning of "the crow." aha. basically it was a fucking awful day, afternoon, and early evening. i got dad to drive me to java at 8. brock had already arrived; i think he forgot that he was supposed to call me when he got there. i was still in a sad little mood, even though i was excited about the show. i shmoozed around and played with the many varieties of magic 8-balls with sallis, kevin, brock and cuddled laylee for a while. brock and i made the mistake of leaving our place on the couch to get drinks. in reality, this should not have taken any time at all. but the BITCH WOMAN FROM HELL was working tonight, and she totally ignored us for like 15 minutes. so we lost our places to elise's friend laura and some guy from ridgeway. elise and some guy eric got there, and completely avoided me and brock. it was really hilarious, if you think about it. then brittany and her entire family showed up, which was also hilarious. brock, alice, lauren h, brittany, and i played with chess pieces during daniel's poetry reading. i thought that becca had asked him to do all funny stuff, but apparently not. i think that is better considering the nature of becca's set, but i am not too impressed with most of his stuff. so becca came on, and she was of course AMAZING. i love all the new songs. the show tonight was really intense, really different from last time. with that, she had played the songs for a (partially, at least) similiar crowd so many times before that we had all developed a pattern. becca was very big on eye contact and grins and it was adorable and very fun. so even if the nature of the song was sad, you had a great fucking time anyway. with this show, most of the songs were things that she hadn't played for audiences and most of them were very sad and very beautiful. the show turned out very intense, which i thought was really awesome, especially considering my state. i would rather see someone totally into her music and sad sad than happy and cute, even though both are great. it's so impressive how becca has evolved and matured since just august. i know she was anxious about how the shit went down, but i don't think she had any reason to be. the only things that disappointed me were that i wished the set was longer, and that some people who were supposed to come didn't show up. margaret, christie, jenny, elizabeth, robin, etc -- where the fuck were you?! spacebat ass!??!!?! fuck that!
i can't really talk. after becca's set and generally hanging out-ness, katherine, alice, lauren, tarah, brock and i went over to hi-tone to see the tail end of the mutant spacebats show. i danced like a mutha, and it was the most upbeat part of my whole fucking day. dancing can make everything better for me. it was just so good. then svetlana was there and tried to grind with brock again. for fuck's sake. i really hate her. stupid ho. alice had to be home my midnight, so i got home around 11:45. now i've been hanging out, and talking to hannaH, and making mp3s of becca's show. ask her if you can hear them. plus evan williams's copies are probably better.

listening to: becca bobango - morning sickness

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

dear god i fell asleep reading history. and i so determined not to this time. well at least morgan woke me up so now i can do my english paper. good luck, alanna.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

wow. guys. i saw lion king at the orpheum. it was so fucking great. i can't even tell you. you have to see it. but i think the only day that isn't sold out is christmas eve. try to get out of that family shit. serious.
i have every intention of writing a silly little alanna-ish review. but right now i have a huge date with my english homework. and history. and apwoehipioahgopawghiweh fucka

listening to: sleater-kinney - lions and tigers

Monday, December 01, 2003

today managed to be really really awesome. i don't know how. brock also had a great day. it's nice how cosmic we are. we both woke up at 6:40 this morning (very late). i can't think of anything really specific that was nice. i think it was just sort of to combat my icky feeling of yesterday. i felt really fresh. like i did at the beginning of the year, maybe. it was just really nice somehow. that's about it. okay.

listening to: romeo void - never say never

Laylee2000: BUT THE PORN ALANNA
Laylee2000: WHY WEREN'T YOU THINKING ABOUT THE PRON

ahahahahahhahahahahahah.
smashing pumpkins' "tonight, tonight" video is SO damn pretty.