today is awful. GOPWIEHAPOWHIEGOHAIOHWOEHA i want some pizza.
i have soooooo much homework tonight, so i called the memphis psychotherapy center's answering service, and told them i had to cancel for today. at about 6:10 mom walked into the house, just back from her OWN appointment, and literally forced me to go. in my pajams. wearing brandon.
i yelled at her. (quoth brock, "don't yell at your mom!" because he loves my mom and apparently doesn't understand me.) i was really upset, and when we got there we had to wait for forever. i kept complaining about what a waste of time it was. i think some of my anger calmed down in those minutes, though. if i had gone in to see her right away, i probably would've just screamed "I CAN'T COME TODAY" and stormed out. but i was cooling, so i wasn't so upset.
later on, she told mom that i looked angry for the first couple minutes of our session, and then just sad -- the saddest she'd ever seen me, she said. when she said that, mom said she had seen me sadder than that, but she never knew what to do. i was like "wow, i can look SAD?" it was something of a shocker realizing that people can tell how i feel just from looking at me. i guess it was a naive assumption of me, but i always thought that since i never cry, i was just a stone. and i'm always so shit with conveying emotions. well fuck me for not putting that much stock in other people and/or my own face.
at one point, before mom came in, she said i looked like i was going to cry. i don't know, i might have if i had tried to talk. but i was just kind of watching my shoes sliding on the carpet, and answering her questions with shrugs. when i looked at her, my throat loosened up a little, and she let me breathe. it was strange, i thought it would be the opposite. and when she said i looked like that, i just kinda shrugged it off with a smile and all that. it was really weird thinking that if i had looked like i was going to cry THEN, i have NO idea what i looked like talking to ms. ervin. shaking like a donut shop. jesus. it's so strange that in less than a week, i've had so many nuts displays of emotion. it's really unlike me, and i don't know how to react to them. i don't know what's causing the change, either, which is probably the scariest part. anyway she eventually brought mom in, and told her that i have no internal drive, that i work better with structure, and that she was worried about my level of anxiety. (it seems kind of contradictory to have anxiety problems and no drive. aha.) by the end of it, mom's eyes were wet and i wonder if mine were too.