i come home from the movies
to find the bathroom sink steadily dripping water
and it makes me want to skip the hand-washing this time
as penance for wasting somebody's life source
but then i could end up with hepatitis
so i just stick my hands quickly under the faucet
turning 'slightly wet' into 'clean'
but it's okay because mom bought vanilla cokes and
brownie ice cream yesterday
forced me into a jail called "girls' night in"
and even with me having to be there
and having to gorge myself with cookies and milk
and having to watch a mediocre movie with a hot actor
so that mom can cry and cry like i wish i could
i remember the feeling of august september october
i remember the feeling of connecting with certain people
for maybe five minutes every week day
i remember weekend nights cold and alone
i remember isolation and wondering what everybody i
thought i was close to was doing right then
it's those same thoughts that are killing me now too
you know the ones
"why am i still awake and gulping down caffeine
making my throat lumpy so that i will have an excuse not to talk?
and what am i doing at this hour of the night waiting for somebody
to ring the doorbell or to call my lonely phone number?"
i really am a wishful thinker no matter what i project
and i feel guilty because i am a bad friend
who can't be told what is really going on
and i feel STUPID that i didn't suspect
because i trusted
so instead i just get parts of stories and breadcrumb hints dropped
along the milky way to the murky truth
only i can't tell if i am supposed to take the bait
but it's okay because two days ago i remembered
how beautiful some people are and learned
how beautiful some can be
and us just running through my backyard can create
threads that are stringing us together now
i'll remember it as a couple of hours when we were tied before
i flew with angels in the late sleek night
i loved that she sat in the middle seat so that i had her in my arms
playing with her curls and trying to make her laugh
and i hope her teary eyes dried on the way to getting comfort donuts
i loved him demanding that i hug him so that he could pick me up
and swing me around the driveway
twice
i learn that i am truly a bird and he is my wings
i loved holding her firm by her constant hip handles as the sun creeped out
in her bed i remember every detail that i love about her
i wish i saw her more and i wish we could always talk uninhibited like in the late sleek night
and nights should never end
but it's okay because this morning i woke up to a really loud fly
buzzing around and smashing itself repeatedly into the glass of my window
and since it was just last week when i discovered that they weren't painted closed
i opened one up and it's a real sunday morning
when i can lay there in bed with the wind on my face
and pretend to fall back asleep to the sound of the hoses watering the roses
my little insect friend doesn't realize that he is humming to the wrong window
his little serenade has been for nothing because that one isn't budging
plus there is still love that i had no idea i could contain
i don't think i am big enough to hold it, anyway
no wonder there's no room for me to be someone
i am all full up with how beautiful everything is
i smile with my eyes closed to keep happiness in stock behind my mind
and the bugs are buzzing along

may 4, 8:20-11pm, on and off. may 5, 6:30am, geometry, geography, biology